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Replying to Topic: addiction to people?
Created On 9/11/11 2:46 PM by chocnpeanutbutter


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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/18/11 3:10 PM
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thanx, but sometimes i'll see a pretty girl and feel an attraction. what does this mean?


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Ineedspace
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9/18/11 3:23 PM
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Choc, allow yourself to pat your back for taking the courage to share something so delicate and risky. I don't judge you, the feelings that you're feeling are real and you're not choosing them. They must be difficult to deal with. Discovering one's own sexuality is a function of growing up and I'm hoping that with the help of your T you will come to grips with this part of you. Perhaps you can describe to your therapist in detail what it is that your feeling towards her specifically and in general to girls you feel attracted to. Together you can explore deeper inside of you and get to meet the "you". I feel sorry for you for having to struggle with these confusing feelings. You're not alone, many woman grow up having strong attractions for other woman, there are ways to work these issues through with the help of a professional. It is a difficult and long process but you'll get there. Keep us posted and let me know if there's any way we can be helpful in the meantime. Thanks you for sharing.
P.s. I like your signature
 
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channafofanna
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9/18/11 3:28 PM
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thanks... i took a "quiz" and it said im 73% borderline... i guess when i go to my pdoc ill maybe bring it up...
im glad you feel comfortable here! i noticed it in ur first post but im not rly an expert on that type of stufff so i justlet it go...
what does an atraction mean? it could just mean she is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!!! but idk anything bout this stuff... i never talked abt it with everyone...
 
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wishtobehappy
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9/18/11 3:37 PM
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Ineed..'s advice sounds great, and about feeling attracted to a pretty girl, do you get attracted to beauty in general? do looks matter to you a lot? if yes, then it's a natural reaction, I think.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/18/11 5:50 PM
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Out of curiosity, I took a quiz too, and it said it is likely that I have borderline. My therapist is sure I don't. should I be worried?
Thanx for answering about being lesbian, I appreciate that you were willing to discuss it. I need to think about it more before i respond to your questions.


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Ineedspace
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9/19/11 7:45 AM
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You're saying that according to the quiz you took you most likely have BPD, and you're asking if you need to worry. Worry about what, that your T doesn't think so? Or worrying about the diagnosis? About the what if you do have it? I'm obviously not a professional to diagnose but there are many things that need to be taken in account before labeling one with any specific diagnosis. I would say go through the possible symptoms with you T, and if it turns out that you both agree that you don't have it try to trust the decision. However, if the result is that you do match the diagnosis you still don't have to worry. Many people suffer from BPD and there is a way out. You don't suddenly become someone else just because you carry a label. A diagnosis is just to give you direction, to help you understand yourself better and to hopefully guide you in the direction towards healing. Hang in there..
 
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Aba
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9/21/11 1:36 PM
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Ineedspace well said.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Ineedspace
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9/21/11 8:22 PM
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Oh, thank you Aba
 
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channafofanna
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9/25/11 1:24 PM
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ya, i like how you said it to.
i asked my pdoc adn we went throught the sympotms together. i denied having all of them, but we both knew i was lieng.... i guess ill just have to wonder till i decide to be honest (aka, ill always wonder..)
most of the symptoms of borderline sound just like normal people with some mental health issues.. i dont see how its any diferent than anything else. how come we never hear about it?
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/26/11 12:53 PM
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so, there's this person that I know, (it's basically a business relationship) and she's sooo nice, and well, I really like her, you know what I mean? Although it's not because she's pretty, it's more because she's really funny, makes me laugh, and like I said, she's nice, and I don't know what else, but basically I think she's pretty cool. I have no idea if this is obsessive or not. I think about her a lot, but that's cuz I didn't start working yet, and i'm really bad about calling my friends, so she's like the extent of my social life. (I know it sounds bad but I am like sooo busy) Anyway, I worry about whether I am interesting enough when I'm with her. Does she like me? this obsession is not as bad as others, I think because I now know that I don't have to go around feeling guilty for liking her - I mean she's really nice, we get along, why wouldn't I? I guess it's all about not judging myself, like my t always talks about. And usually I am SO nervous to be around the person I like, and I always just think about making us get closer. Now I'm actually trying to just enjoy the time we have together. I'm just thinking out loud, so hope this makes sense. Also I guess I am trying to accept that I what I really want out of this relationship (a mother? a girlfriend? who knows?) is never gonna happen. So I don't have to be trying to make the impossible happen, and I don't have to feel guilty about these feelings, so e/t's ok. I'm trying to convince myself of everything I just wrote. It's sort of working. So I guess i did learn something in the past year of therapy! Now I just have to figure out what exactly ARE these feelings that I feel, and if they are s*xual, why are they happening, and what should I do with these feelings.

Wow, hope I'm not giving TMI, but it really helps me to think out loud on paper. like I always say, I can't always talk to my t, i get stuck and clam up, so this is really great.


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Don't judge me, and I won't judge you.

Edited: 10/30/11 at 1:21 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/26/11 12:55 PM
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Quote

i dont see how its any diferent than anything else. how come we never hear about it?


channa, what do you mean about being different than anything else?


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Don't judge me, and I won't judge you.

Edited: 9/26/11 at 12:56 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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Ineedspace
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9/26/11 7:48 PM
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Hi again. First, you're asking why we don't hear about BPD. I guess you don't hear about it often but BPD is very common, and so is DBT which is specifically helpful for those who suffer from BPD. And from what you share it sounds like you're making progress with you T, allowing yourself to feel, share, and validate your feelings which is good. I'm wondering what your relationship with yourself is like. How do you feel about yourself? About your physical appearance? How's your self image? Maybe what you're really looking for is to have all those feelings and affection towards your own self, and you're looking for it elsewhere. This may not be consciously, and I may be wrong, just my two cents.
 
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channafofanna
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9/27/11 10:39 PM
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Choc- that sounds good to me.... That seems like helthy thinking, or as close as u can get...did u talk abt it with ur T? cuz truthfuly ive got NO idea what im talkin about.... a few people her do though, but still u shud make sure to discuss it with her....
i meant what i need space said, that we never hear about borderline like u hear about bipolar depression ED's and stuff....
 
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gad
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10/3/11 5:32 AM
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As I remember it, Dr. Twersky once wrote or spoke that when he was a student in university, his professor told the class to think, and then to write down which perverse thoughts they have.

At first Dr. Twersky thought about it. But then he stopped thinking, and he said that he realized, that if the Torah tells us not to have perverse thoughts or do preverse things, that's because deep down we all have the potential to have those thoughts and do those things. Otherwise, the Torah wouldn't tell us to not have those thoughts or do those things.



Therefore, if unwanted thoughts or desires or ideas enter our mind, there is no reason to feel bad or guilty when the thoughts enter. Rather, we can often assure ourselves that it is normal for these thoughts to enter; and we can try our best to push them away, and to think of other more productive thoughts.

If the feelings persist or become obsessive, then you can ask a therapist for advice.

Regarding lack of interest for boys, this may be (as you and another poster noted) because you are not in contact with boys. I once heard that a boy in a similar situation was advised by his therapist to look at some girls, and that this was done with a Rav's approval, and that the boy then realized that he was attracted to girls.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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10/5/11 12:12 PM
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Yeah, don't worry, I'm definitely attracted to boys. It's just that since I'm not allowed to feel those feelings, they go onto women intead. Anyway, my t says i AM allowed to feel those feelings. and lately they've been coming up a lot (with boys I mean) I think this is great news - I'm rechanneling the feelings to the correct place. But here's the problem:
with the women I always had this push/pull/ guilt feeling inside of me, which I now realize is because I thought those feelings were wrong (it's weird- the feelings are not wrong but the place I put them on was - so in a way my guilt was correct). What happens if with men (meaning my husband) I will transfer the push/pull/guilt feelings, not realizing that now it is actually ok to want to be close?
And another problem:
recently I was talking to my t about s*xual stuff because I was confused with my feelings. But now that I spoke to her about something so- you know- I am feeling closer to her, and I'm having the whole push/pull/guilt thing WITH HER!! I haven't told her yet, but I hope it means that this is a step in actually figuring out these feelings. I know that people transfer their relationship problems to their t - and it's happening. I can't talk to her about it though because i just went two days in a row because i was so confused and she just confused me more, and anyway I'm scared to seem clingy (notice- pulling away) so I'll just have to wait a little.


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channafofanna
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10/6/11 10:48 PM
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hmmm............ well thats progress.....i think u shud def. talk 2 her abt the push/ pull
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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10/30/11 1:31 PM
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hey guys, guess what? that obsession that i mentioned a while back? it just got REALLY bad and I cannot think about anything else! help! what happened was it was one of the last times that i would be seeing her, so I was like, it's so sad that i'll never see you again after next week, and then she said so call me sometimes. And she wants to know when i'm engaged and everything, and she said she'll come to my wedding, and she said i'm cute! (she is a 50 year old woman). At first I was so happy, that was last week, and then over shabbos i just slowly lost it. I am completely wrapped up in this thing now! Cuz wednesday is the last time i'll be seeing her officially, and after that i will be way to nervous that she might not like me to just call her up. I think the main problem is i feel so yucky for loving someone so much, cuz she doesn't like me back as much as i like her. but she always says she likes talking to me, so that feeds my feelings of wishing for way too much from her... HELP! I cannot tell my parents cuz their answer when this happens is just never talk to her again, even if that means crying for a couple of weeks, and then you'll get over it. But I want to understand what i'm feeling, and learn how to have a normal relationship with someone even though i like them a lot.
I CANNOT FUNCTION LIKE THIS! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED AGAIN! YOU GUYS, I NEED HELP!


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channafofanna
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10/30/11 8:31 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
osunds like ur in a tuf spot
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/30/11 10:13 PM
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I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I wish I'd have some sage advice to offer, but I honestly don't, my humble opinion is that you should just cut off with her after this last time you'll be seeing her rather than being tortured by that push/pull conflict ad infinitum. you'll need to deal with the issues that fuel these obsessions sooner or later in any case, but my best bet is that you're better off just letting this specific relationship go because it probably didn't have much potential to begin with, why torture yourself over it? I know that making a clean break can be painful, but in the long run you'll save yourself aggravation and worse pain, you may as well save the heartache for a more promising relationship... just trying to be helpful... I'm rooting for you and (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
 
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Ineedspace
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10/31/11 5:02 PM
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What you are describing is not uncommon in psychotherapy so first, don't beat yourself up for it. In therapy these feelings that you are feelilng are called
"transference": when feelings of earlier relationships get transferred over to the therapist. These are feelings that you possibly felt towards someone dear to you, perhaps your parental love, and now your therapist becomes this parent for you. Your therapist should be trained to help you process these feelings by responding in ways that other people in your life failed to do. I'm wondering why you're terminating therapy. I would suggest that you DO discuss these feelings with your therapist. Although it may feel scary and risky, she won't judge you, on the contrary, she will understand and help you through it. You might feel embarrassed to discuss this issue with her but this is where healing takes place. My guess is that now by ending the relationship with her you are "transferring" old feelings of abandonement, rejection, fear, and the like, due to an earlier experience. You're saying that you're still gonna see her, i would highly suggest that you spill the beans. It's risky and healing. In the meantime, I feel for you. to walk out of a therapeutic relationship is so hard and painful. I wish you good luck, (still wondering why you're stopping to see her)


Edited: 10/31/11 at 5:04 PM by Ineedspace
 
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