Hi, everyone. I haven't been on frumsupport for a really long time, which means I've been doing amazingly well till now, B"H. But there's just so much going on in my life now, that every night I find myself getting depressed again. I started putting myself down again, too.
Just found out I have TMJ and have to wear a mouth splint all the time for the next 6 to 8 months. And that's after running to a bunch of different doctors, who didn't know how to diagnose all my headaches and dizziness and difficulty concentrating etc. I hope this thing works, because I can't see as well without my lenses, which I haven't been able to wear for the longest time, and I can't always function anymore with these daily headaches. I'm so nervous this TMJ is never going to go away, and I'm going to have chronic pain forever.
Anyway, what also bothers me is a dream I had quite a few years ago. My uncle (who was niftar) came to me in the dream and told me I'm going to get married and have 2 kids, a boy and a girl, and then my tafkid is going to be over. Ever since then, the dream really bothered me. My husband took me to a Rav and he said it's just a dream, it doesn't have to mean something bad. But I know of people who passed away and came to people in dreams to tell them something. I even went to shul to say the tefillah that nullifies bad dreams. But I'm married now with a boy and a girl and because I just had a girl, I am totally freaking out.
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm really depressed, and every night I'm petrified to go to sleep because I'm convinced I'm going to die and never wake up, G-d forbid. I don't know what to do. My husband tried reassuring me so many times about this dream. I drove him crazy repeating my fears over and over, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to die.
I've always leaned toward the negative idea that I deserve to die young, and the fear that that's probably what's going to happen to me.
And all I keep thinking about is how the people in my family keep getting older and my fears get worse and worse that someone's going to pass away soon. And then I keep thinking, what's the point of it all? What's the point in living if everyone you love, and eventually you-yourself-is going to die?
I know, I know, there's the next world and Mashiach etc. But somehow I wonder if I believe that it's true. I feel guilty thinking that, as a Jew who's supposed to believe in all these futuristic ideas of Geula, but I keep wondering if maybe there's a lot that Hashem didn't reveal to us, and maybe things are going to be different once Mashiach comes.
And who will I be anyway? And maybe I won't deserve to live in those times . . .
But anyway, I'm a stay at home mom now, and that's also taking its toll on me. I mean, I love, love, love my kids, but I feel like I'm missing something now. I used to work with special needs kids, and that gave me a purpose, but now things have changed, and I have to be home with my kids. One of them was a preemie, so I'm too protective to leave her with a babysitter. But I feel like I need to do something meaningful, something productive.
But I don't even have the time for anything because I'm too busy with the kids. I used to take piano lessons, but I was pregnant and couldn't keep up practicing because I wasn't feeling well, but I would love to do that again one day. I don't see how I would find the time to practice now either, but I wish so badly that I could do that. Or take swimming lessons. And I want so badly to publish the book I've written. I'm busy editing it, but I'm so terrified to send it in.
What if all the Jewish publishing companies reject it? It's not really a typical Jewish book. It's very unique and a bit controversial. But I love it and believe in it.
So back to the kids; I feel like my whole day is a waste. Not the part about spending time with my kids, but just that the day goes by so speeding fast, it's gone in two seconds, and then I'm already starting the next day and the next, and before I know it, all my days are gone, and what have I accomplished?
I feel so empty these days, and it makes me frustrated and I feel like I'm slipping back into old patterns again.
I used to be very depressed and cutting and I went for therapy. Lately I feel very strong urges to cut again, which I have not acted on, but still . . . it's hard not to do it. And I feel so empty, so lonely inside. I would love to connect with my friends, but it seems like everyone's too busy to keep in touch.
Plus lately I've been struggling with nursing my preemie. With my first baby, nursing didn't work out because I was too exhausted to nurse at night and probably my son wasn't latching on well or something. With my baby girl, I taught her to nurse, but lately she's not doing really well with it. I give her pumped milk in a bottle, but feel horribly guilty doing so, and feel downgraded as a mother. I think I'm finally going to get myself a lactation consultant to help me. I really want to nurse so badly.
I wish I could be a happier, more confident, and more positive person. It would definitely enhance my marriage if I would stop being so negative and complaining and worrying so much. I hate that I do that. My husband doesn't deserve that. He's the most amazing person. I wish I could give him more, do more for him. I wish I was more sociable and had better self-esteem and was more easy-going, with more enthusiasm for life. Like my husband. I told him he's my role model, but somehow, I can't seem to implement his ways into my routine. It's so frustrating, because I really wish I could.
I really want to be a better, happier person.
Any ideas or encouragement?
Thank you so so much for reading my post. It really means a lot to me!!!