I'm having a really hard time staying in recovery mode. I manage to stick (kind of) to my meal plan for two weeks, then I start restricting and purging again for another long while. It takes me a really long time to pull myself out of each time I fall back into the rut, then when I do, I stick to my meal plan and "recovery" for a bit, then fall right back in again. It feels like a cycle that'll never end.
Is it possible to really stay in recovery for longer than a short period of time? Will I ever find the willpower to do that? Does the cycle of doing well for a bit, then falling right back in, ever end?
I so badly want to just BE OKAY with eating. Just BE NORMAL. Not be afraid of every bite I take.
I so badly want to just NOT CARE about weight, numbers, body image, etc.
But now I do care. Now I'm not okay with eating. Now I am afraid.
Is it possible?

That does make sense to think of it that way. I hadn't thought of that at all - I was just thinking of all the times I went off track, and completely ignoring the times I went on track again. Thanks.

On another note, thanks for responding. I have to admit, I was feeling somewhat uncared about when no one responded. So I appreciate that you took the time to think about what I wrote and reply.

Same problem. Wish I had an answer. I'm crying with u... literally crying.

Have you considered DBT? Just a thought.

Thanks, Debbi.

I have considered DBT - a number of times, in fact - but it just isn't feasible for me, being that in my area, there just aren't any good DBT programs and there is no way I can travel and be out for a number of hours a couple of days a week... It just wouldn't work. It would be a great option, though, were it possible.

what exactly is dbt? in the program I went to we had DBT group like once or twice a week, but I still don't understand how a full immersion in that kind of therapy would really be helpful. I mean it seemed to me like a different way of looking at stuff, but I kind of got bored of it after the first week or so, it just seemed overly repetitive. And I still don't completely understand what it is.

I have looked into Columbia. I wouldn't qualify, since in order to be part of the research, you have to come in without being on any meds - and I'm on meds already. That's what I heard. Thanks for the suggestion.

KLY, sorry for taking so long to answer the "what is DBT?" question. Rather than try to explain it fully in this forum, I suggest you do a search on line for DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Specifically, it is a form of therapy designed by Marsha Linehan (or she had lots to do with it) that approaches one's problems from a different view point (in my opinion.) It's goal is to increase "mindfulness," decrease impulsivity, increase postiive interpersonal relationships, decrease emotional lability, and the list goes on.... There are basically four things working to increase and four things working to decrease. I don't think I covered them all since I'm no whiz at it yet...just beginning. However, from my experience with it, it is useful for a person who needs to work on a problem actively....not to place blame on someone else or yourself or whatever, but to find constructive ways of getting what you want and need in this world through building positive outcomes. Basically, it is changing YOUR behavior since you can't change OTHERS and working from that point. These programs tend to be very intensive...in a typical DBT program very often you meet at least 2x a wk. and have access to your therapist after hours for "coaching." Coaching is using skills that you learned in DBT in times that you have a hard time. It is not time spent with the therapist to discuss the actual problem taking place. Dunno if I was helpful. I remember hearing about a few really, reallly good sites on the subject. I'll try to find them and post them in a bit.

Thanks, toy. What you said is not at all crappy.

And honestly, whether I reconsider or not, it looks like I'm headed toward inpatient either way. I'm really struggling badly, and I don't see any way out on my own.

I'm going inpatient on Monday.