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FORUMS > Panic Disorder
Replying to Topic: Anxiety/depression - long
Created On 5/10/16 2:41 AM by Belly


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Posts: 153
Joined: Mar 2006

5/10/16 2:41 AM
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I'm looking for an outlet.
Somewhere I can write, what's on my mind, without feeling crazy for dealing with these fears.
I know I'm not crazy and will never be. I'm very aware of times I'm feeling ok and when anxiety/depression hits me.
At these times I feel very insecure and double check all my feelings, so I won't do anything stupid, because of my anxiety/depression.
I'm looking for People who understand me and will be able to see that I'm a great person, even though I have mental health issues.
I wish I could be open about my issues and continue my life and be accepted by everyone the way I was till now. Why do people look at us differently just because they know that we suffer from.....?
So now here is my story.
We had a neighbor I was always scared off. He is a police man, very strong build and not very pleasant. Just hearing him scream at his kids would make me shake.
Many years we got along ok. Greeted nicely and didn't have much to do with him.
Once in a while he would ask for the kids to not make noise, which always put pressure on me, but all in all things were ok.
At one point things started to get out of hand. It happened slowly.
We had to open a blockage in the bathroom. He came to ask what was happening, because he heard all these noises.
At the beginning we didn't even notice, what was happening, but slowly we felt more and more that he was checking everything that was going on in our house.
In addition to this he was always waiting in the parking lot to see when we come home/leave.
Always trying to "catch" us in the staircase and complain about something. Complains like me wearing high heels at two o' clock in the morning when I go to the bathroom,….(last time I wore high heels was when I was a teenager…)
Things got really annoying and at one point when he "caught" me once again in the staircase and complained, I snapped at him.
I was nine months pregnant and had no patients for him. I just told him that he complains all the time and checks on us even when we hang up a pictures.
Yes I was not respectful when I said this and it's clear to me that I insulted him deeply by my tone and disrespect.
This is when he freaked out.
I gave birth and after the ???? ??? he started banging pipes which woke up the whole building. One of the neighbors knocked at his door and to check if there was a problem. He said that we were making the noise…. Well the answer he got was that he should stop telling lies, since it's clear that it's him.
Next thing that happened was that he put speakers on his ceiling and blasted loud Samba into our apartment. Even when I put on music in the house I wouldn't turn it on so loudly.
He put it on for 9 hours straight. He was not home.
This repeated itself over and over again.
Once my daughter's ball bounced at his door by mistake and he yelled at her.
There was no way to know when he would have his next fit.
Any noise he heard was our fault.
We went away for Shabbat and Motzei Shabat he would punish us for the noise we made all Shabat long.
Then he started sending us the police.
At one point we knew already all the police men at our station.
He filed complains about me shutting off his water,…. Yes he knew exactly what to do and how to file complains without anyone ever being able to prove anything, and then you are in a situation where his word is against mine. Sure that a word of a policemen is of more value than mine….
At one point he filed a law suit against us, because I drop off the kids in the morning and come back and move furniture all day long,…..
At this point I told my DH that we don't have enough money to protect ourselves from this guy and we have to move.
We moved within two days.
He removed the law suit.
Our tenants get along with him. They send him a bottle of wine, chocolate and also told him that a 60+ year old woman does not wear high heels at night when she uses the bathroom.
While all this was happening I was living in deep fear. I just gave birth. Most of the day I was not able to be home. I was not able to relax, since we never knew when he will attack us again. I got depressed and very anxious. Twice during this time I also had suicidal thoughts. It's scary and sad, especially since my kids told me that it was harder for them to see me suffering so much, than dealing with the annoyance of the neighbor.
I know I had valid reasons to be scared and exhausted by all this. But somehow I still feel that I could have handled the situation differently. I still feel that I took things out of proportion and blame myself for what happened. I know I was always careful not to annoy neighbors. I hated it that people could hear what was going on in our apartment. I was sensitive to begin with. If I wouldn't have been so sensitive maybe things wouldn't have escalated? The pregnancy wasn't easy on me and at times I was depressed. Maybe if I would have taken care of these things I could have handled the neighbor? Maybe it's my fault? Maybe I'm crazy? I know it's not all my fault. I know that I can get along with very difficult people. I have done so in the past. But I was not willing to be a door mat and let this guy step all over me. I had to stand up for myself. And then I paid the price for it. Till today I'm paying the price for it. I'm now dealing with symptoms of anxiety and don't know how to deal with it. I'm in a safe place now, but somewhere in me I don't feel safe in this world.
I don't know how to heal from this. Sometimes I feel that I was really in a crazy situation and my fear was justified and the cause to my anxiety now. But most of the time I feel that and therapist/PDr is just nice and validates my feeling, but secretly thinking that it's me being crazy.

thanks for listening

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5/12/16 8:43 PM
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I'm sorry you're struggling with so much guilt and self flagellation. You don't sound crazy to me. Many people would be adversely affected by such a situation. You're probably also more sensitive than others, as are most people struggling with anxiety/depression. Sensitivity can be a blessing and a curse.

I may be wrong, but it also sounds like this has not been the first trauma in your life, and it might have triggered a more intense reaction as a result. Whatever the case, don't beat yourself up unnecessarily, and give yourself all the credit you deserve for dealing with a very painful situation in the right way!


Posts: 153
Joined: Mar 2006

5/16/16 12:13 PM
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Thank you so much for your response.

FORUMS > Panic Disorder


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