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Interested
Supporter

Posts: 52
Joined: Jan 2007
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2/5/16 3:41 PM
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I started at the beginning of December. The first 2 weeks was training in a classroom setting, but since then I have been on the unit in the hospital working with patients. The first two weeks weren't anywhere as close to the feelings of angst that I have had since I have been on the "floor". Not unlike what I felt in NY, I feel high anxiety at work to the degree that it doesn't allow me to be fully emotionally -or for that matter intellectually- there. I typically feel out of control, in the sense that I feel and fear that 1)I am not in the know of what I should be doing and 2)I am not doing what I am already doing correctly.
It has been draining on a psycho-emotional level, though it is difficult to talk about emotions when it would "feel" (the irony) that I am not experiencing a range of emotions outside of dread and angst. Objectively speaking, I have made it through my complete orientation period -a period during which a more experienced RN was assigned to me to guide and support me and ensure that I wouldn't do anything unsafe- and have since spent three days on my own without my preceptor. In my mind, though, I don't know what I am doing and I am waiting to be reprimanded and be "found out" for not being the professional that I think they think I am supposed to be. (incredible how supportive my mind is of me, huh?)
Because of my 13+ hours days, I only work three days a week, which in theory should give me time to defuse and get a hold of myself. However, for most of that "free" time I have been feeling on edge, which obviously doesn't leave me with the ability to engage in productive or recreational activities. While writing this, I realize that I am looking to get untangled, to find the beginning of this mess and -one by one- take apart the dysfunction. The good question is....where is the beginning? Where does this mess start? In place of the word "start" -or for that matter the whole last sentence- I am asking, "where can I find solid ground?" i.e. where can I begin and move from a place of security and assurance and, with one thing at a time, do what it is that I have set out to do?
G, (as in my name) help yourself!
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