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Replying to Topic: Extreme shpielkes ruling my life
Created On 4/13/16 7:56 PM by hyper613


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hyper613
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Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2016

4/13/16 7:56 PM
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Hello. I have undiagnosed extreme shpielkes disorder. Let me tell you a little about my life.
I have to start this short biography with its most jarring detail. I found my father dead from a heart-attack when I was seventeen. I've been through counseling and have grieved. I am now 25. After my father died, I was given 20 mg of Lexapro and I (and medical professionals) feel as if taking that med perhaps caused the debilitating problems I have now. I was never the same after Lexapro. I wandered around for five years, unable to sit still.



I was voted most caffeinated in high school with second place receiving two votes. That likely means that nearly the whole senior class, probably consisting of 300-400 students, voted for me. I had been a quiet homeschooler the previous year, so I knew only a small portion of the seniors, but they ALL knew me. Let's just say I stood out. I had nicknames like Tweaker and Twitch. I was labeled a druggie. I remember overhearing a girl tell a boy that I took PCP. But I wasn’t on any drugs at all. I wasn’t even drinking or smoking pot like the other kids. The thing was, I really didn’t care what people thought of me, and because of that I had a clique of misfits that stalked me and tried to act like me. It is hard to look back on this puzzling time of my life, but luckily, I remember so little of it. I remember being on top of a trash can shooting invisible spider-webs, pretending to be Spider-man. I remember screaming in the halls. Everyone cheered, "Do it again!" to every inane thing I did. A friend recently told me that I looked like I was alway on the verge of exploding if I wasn't active. I guess my coping mechanism was to act crazy to survive. Reminds me of King David feigning insanity to save himself from Avimelech.



Let me explain what I mean by "energy."
If I stay inside for awhile, I start to feel like a caged animal with cabin fever. I am constantly having to get outside and exercise or I will get very anxious or have a panic attack. So, I can't work indoors, and I certainly can't go to a standard, indoor college. Although I was diagnosed with bipolar, I now strongly disagree with the diagnosis. I have mania every single day of my life. I wake up with it, and every day is a mission to wear down that mania through exercise and productivity. Any depression that comes is circumstantial, not bipolar depression.



I can't honestly cannot relate to people who find contentment in doing nothing. Sitting on a beach doing nothing for an hour? Horrific! Blasphemy! Baruch Hashem, I get social security and do not have to work at this stage of my life. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get this.



This greatly affects my religious life. It’s extremely tough to davven. I am relying on far too many heterim! I want to enjoy Shabbat and not dread it. It is the most challenging day of my week--- the day where I am forced to do nothing, and I often have panic attacks. I want to progress and be a Torah scholar, or a rabbi, G-d willing! I need a feasible mental health plan. My last doctor said she tried every psyche med she could think of, but just couldn’t figure me out.



Now, back in at the end of 2011, I did a massive amount of study, and taught myself the basics of Biblical Hebrew. At that time, I still kind of believed in the Christianity that I was raised in throughout my life. My mom is Jewish, but raised me a Christian (but is now a ba’al teshuvah, too). In 2012, I stopped believing in Christianity and embraced Judaism. I attended a Chabad house and instantly wished to go to yeshivah, which I did for a year, kind of. I still needed to move! On Shabbat I would walk thirteen miles. During the week, I was constantly running out of classes to exercise. I started doing pull-ups and pushups and running every day, trying desperately to wear my body out from the energy. I went from 130 lbs to 160 lbs in about month and a half. The bachurim kept asking me if I was taking steroids. If I had a dollar for every time I have been mistaken for being on drugs. . .



In 2015, back home, I was arrested on suspicion of driving while using drugs. It was never defined to me how the cop had come to his erroneous conclusion, but when I got to the police station I was demonized. They took off my hat and said I couldn't wear it, even if it was a religious symbol. They said I looked like I was on meth, speed, and other hard drugs. They explained how my mannerisms were the same as junkies. Then, out of some strange cruelty that I have yet to understand, they made a sxual joke about me and put me in solitary for the night. I tried to explain to all the cops that passed by me that I needed to take my medication, but they laughed and made announcements about how high I was, since I was making mistakes in my speech. To this day I drive with fear. One second everything is fine, the next moment--- hell, and a bill of over $3,000 after lawyer. The case crumbled pretty quickly in court, since the cop who pulled me over wrote that I reported taking downers such as Ambien and Seroquel (which I hadn't). Also, he wrote that my breath smelled strongly of alcohol. But, my lawyer said, the people at the station believed I was abusing amphetamines and I blew a 0.00 on the alcohol test! Go figure.



For parts of 2014-2015, I was afraid of my mind. I was afraid where this energy was going to take me. I even told my counselors that if the intensity didn't stop, I didn't know what chance I had at being able to continue my life. I was on lithium, which was helping my energy, but not my overactive mind. At perhaps the lowest point of my mental health, I went to a consultation with a new counselor. I didn't even realize the state of mental hyperactivity that I was in, and the counselor told me that I was hardly coherent, that I was speaking too fast with too much information. I wasn't a babbling fool. I'm smart, but I did sometimes have difficulty getting on someone else's level.



The energy causes me to think differently than anyone I know. To give a small example: There was no one who approached the Talmud the same as me at Yeshivah. I would do things like take the beginning, then the end, and then work backwards, mix in the middle, and then put the whole puzzle together, and voila. In 2011, I taught myself Hebrew by immersion. I didn't use a Hebrew learning book. I put the puzzle of the language together myself. On my own, I figured out and solved problems that Rashi addresses without having ever read Rashi. I changed faiths by studying the whole Tanach, taking hundreds of verses and squishing them together in my head. It was a bit torturous. I learn and think in the most circuitous way imaginable.



Back when I was at yeshiva in 2013, someone offered me marijuana, which I had never tried. In 2015, I was at my brother’s house and decided to try it again, to see if it could help me with what I was going through, as my over-active mind had brought me to an extremely dark place. Marijuana then turned my life upside down, in a good way. Suddenly I could write like I've always wanted. I could think linearly, whereas without marijuana my thought process is extremely scattered and at times uncontrollable. Once I started smoking, my Torah studies took new life. My learning became more practical, and I could remember three times as much. I wrote two short novels in 2015. I read over 90 books as well as a lot more Torah than I had ever learned before. I probably only read two or three books in 2014. I could sit still for longer. I could finally express myself the in the ways that I wanted. My true colors started to shine. My case worker, med-nurse, mom and brother were all encouraging me to smoke. And so I moved to a state where it is legal.



My life is hardly perfect with marijuana, but it's manageable. I still suffer from the energy, but marijuana calms me. I feel difficulty planning my life with my problems still looming. Before I got on Lithium, I could only stay in a room for about fifteen minutes before I felt like I was going to lose it. With lithium, I could stay inside for a few hours, but I felt like I was a robot. With lithium and marijuana, I am able to stay inside for four good hours. Baruch Hashem. I still have my disability, but there's progress. Still, I could never work a job with this energy. At least I can think straight and am more evocative and comfortable socially as I've ever been! I'm still studying Torah and literature, and I am finally making my learning practical, making it my own.



I still have to worry about panic attacks from my energy and I am so sick of it. I want this thing gone. I want to move forward, faster. I would get off marijuana in a heart-beat if something else really worked. I am so susceptible to panic from the energy without marijuana. I need a psychiatrist that would would really work with me. I've tried to explain myself to many doctors, but not one has been able to really understand what I’m saying. I yearn to go to Israel and make aliyah one day, but I need to figure this stuff out first. I live in a small town with few religious Jews, and I want out of here! I want a doctor that treats me like a mensch.



Marijuana has helped me so much. The energy, on the other hand, has led me to horrible places, to rock bottom more than once. When I stop smoking, it's back to the old grind.



This was all written after smoking marijuana. Any thoughts or suggestions? I'm not looking for a cure, but I am just glad to express my problem with some Yidden.

Thanks for reading
Hyper613
 
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keep climbing
Senior Supporter

Posts: 704
Joined: Apr 2013

4/14/16 4:10 AM
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Wow! I think you are an amazing person and believe it or not, I can relate to some of what you are going through.
I also suffer somewhat from this "energy" as you call it, but I call it "agitation."
It's true that the drs. don't know how to treat it. I have found DBT helpful. It is calming.
I am glad that marijuana helps you. If it works, go for it.
One question, though. Before you took Lexapro, what was your life like? How come you were homeschooled?
Again, remember the positives. You are special and you are the one who knows yourself best.
Another suggestion-have you called Relief Resource? They have been helpful in recommending drs.
Good Luck to you! And never give up trying to find relief.
 
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hyper613
Junior Supporter

Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2016

4/14/16 1:08 PM
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Thank you for reading, and for the response! I don't know what DBT is. I chose to be homeschooled for my sophomore year of high-school because I had a terrible teacher line-up that year. Most of my teachers were the ones everyone said to stay away from, and it was too monotonous for me. That year I barely left my house. I played video games and I wrote, all the time. My friend still makes fun of me for my sophomore year, "Remember that year you never left your house?" And I didn't. I was the complete opposite of what I am now. I can't even relate to being able to sit inside like I did back then.

I will have to check out Relief Resource.


Edited: 4/14/16 at 1:13 PM by hyper613
 
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