Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

FORUMS > General (MR/DD)
Replying to Topic: Stigma with Shidduchim
Created On 2/13/06 2:18 PM by db1


Username:
Password:

Remember my login


[ Forget your login information? | Join the forums ]




db1
Junior Supporter

Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2006

2/13/06 2:18 PM
User is offline

Hi - I'm a 39 male with 2 sisters that are developmentally disabled. They are both retarded (one severely, and one moderately). I went for genetic testing, and the doctors could not find any cause to their disability, and could not say that it was genetic. I have a very large extended family, with many cousins, etc,, with all of the rest of them, thank g-d "normal."
In terms of dating in the frum world, I have found it very difficult, and have been hurt many times. I have gotten insensitive comments that run the gamet. I wonder how people can call themselves "frum" (which means that as a religious Jew, one believes that everything comes from Hashem), but not want to date someone who has disabled siblings. Instead of thinking that a sibling of disabled individuals is probally a more sensitive and compassionate person, has worked through challenges in life, and would (usually) make an outstanding spouse, people tend to want to run far away from the "normal" sib.
I'm writing here as I'd like to get some chizuk from other people who have gone through this or a similar situation - I'm frum, but as the days & years go by, and I see how so called other "frum" people react to me & my family, my emunah weakens every day.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



rina miriam
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Feb 2006

2/20/06 5:05 AM
User is offline

Dear frustrated,
welcome to our world!

Firstly as a frum jew on a frum web site you must know that judiasem is not judged by jews but rather by torah.
Aside from the nisayon a special child has to eal with Hashem provided his family with many nisyonos too.many of these result from the fact that people are scared by people who are different-fear of the unkown.
This is one of the reasons why ppl. tend to marry people who came from similiar backgrounds i.e. chassidish,litvish,b.t.,ffb etc.

My children are still small but my aunt in lakewood has 15 children K"H out of witch 2 hav Down's syndrome. -go tell people with no experiance that ds isn't hereditery!
many of the older children had a challange with shidduchim but they did eventually grt married to carring, sensitive ppl/ for the most part.
if you'd like I can ask them if I can give you their info.
they may be of help.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



db1
Junior Supporter

Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2006

2/20/06 3:10 PM
User is offline

Hi - thank you for your response. Obviously, I know that Judaism is judged by Torah...it's just that there is a problem in the frum community with judging others that have situations that are "unique", not so "common", or different from the norm.

Saying that people have a fear of the unknown, and that is why people tend to marry people of their own kind - this does not help this problem in the frum community, nor does it provide support to others; it only gives people an "excuse" to keep on behaving & thinking in a very narrow minded way. I do not believe that there is anything wrong with a chassidish person marrying a litvish person, or vice versa, or an FFB marrying a BT...So long as the person is a good decent person with good midos, and a yarei shamayim and shomer torah & mitzvos, that is basically what matters & will give the ingredients for a good marriage.

The frum community has to be educated, and not to be told to keep within their "comfort" level, and that it's okay not to marry anyone who comes from a different background, or who has family members that are physically or mentally disabled.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



rina miriam
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Feb 2006

2/22/06 3:18 AM
User is offline

Hi!
Listen to what ppl. are telling you for a minute!
No one, wants to marry anybody who's busy being bitter.

NO. It's not comforting to know that ppl. are naturally homogenous- it's a fact of life!
Probabley, the person who's going to marry you is going to have some experience with disablity of some sort.
Not so much b\c ppl. don't like ppl. who are different, but beacause ppl. are more comfortable with ppl. like them.
There's nothing wrong with a chassid marriying a litvock - just that most of them DON'T!

And sorry for being personal- but would you marry a BT or a gioret or do ppl. just have to be accepting of you?

It's true that the frum community (and ppl. in general) should be more edducated about the wonderful world of dissability, but, lo davka is that what's going to bring you your bashert now.

For whatever reason, perhaps Hashem decided you'd handle solitude better then infertility, perhaps you had s/t to contribute when you were single thay couldn't as a "family man"-who knows?
Do I know why my first daughter had to be special needs?!

The concept is- continue hishtadlus-but, try not to let it get you bitter.
As we well know depression is the tool of the yetzer harah.

much hatzlachah!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



db1
Junior Supporter

Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2006

2/23/06 9:38 AM
User is offline

Hi -
If you would have read what I wrote carefully, then you would know that I most definitely do date baalei teshuva, giurim, etc. and I try to look at the person themself. I know that you are well intentioned, but I have to say that when I wrote on this site, I was looking for support and empathy, and not for someone to give me a mussar speech and tell me that I'm "bitter".
I hope that when your kids start to date, and if chas veshalom things don't go so easy for them, I hope people will show more empathy, compassion and support to them, than you have shown me.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



rina miriam
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Feb 2006

2/25/06 3:54 PM
User is offline

Firstly, I appologizefor how I came accross.
I didn't mean to call youbitter, but rather to caution you from becomming bitte.
Nor did I mean to imply that you don't go out with different types of ppl. I merely asked if you did?
you still seem to be jumping down my throat n certi points, while ignoring points that have much baking in yideshkeit and may give you much chizuk

"My children are still small but my aunt in lakewood has 15 children K"H out of witch 2 hav Down's syndrome. -go tell people with no experiance that ds isn't hereditery!
many of the older children had a challange with shidduchim but they did eventually grt married to carring, sensitive ppl/ for the most part.
if you'd like I can ask them if I can give you their info.
they may be of help"

And "It's true that the frum community (and ppl. in general) should be more edducated about the wonderful world of dissability, but, lo davka is that what's going to bring you your bashert now.

For whatever reason, perhaps Hashem decided you'd handle solitude better then infertility, perhaps you had s/t to contribute when you were single thay couldn't as a "family man"-who knows?
Do I know why my first daughter had to be special needs?!

The concept is- continue hishtadlus-but, try not to let it get you bitter.
As we well know depression is the tool of the yetzer harah."


What I'm trying to say is tahat there are other ppl. in similiar b oats and that perhaps you will meet one somtime.
And, that we are all(definitly on this website-just read the catagories) dealing with some nisayon of one sort or another that sometimes seems unfair. the trick is to try to remember that no life is wasted or a mistake but rather can be used to it's fullest.

Have a gut voch!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

FORUMS > General (MR/DD)

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.