Addendum:

My therapist thinks I am enslaving myself by following the rules of Pesach,
he considers it a type of repetition since I no longer, B"H, have an abuser living in the home
an abuser who was horrific about the details this time of year....

So not only do I have to deal with the present internal chaos without literally "going to pieces" (ok - bad joke for a DID person)

I feel as though I have to defend my adhearance to halachic guidelines....

Already I do not go crazy with the detail work - and seal most stuff off/ sell it - declare lots of "dust" (with my Rav's advice)
Yet, I love cleaning and Pesach prep - as long as everything else leaves me alone (not realistic)
But I also must keep a job....

Guess pressure is just high -
Slavery or freedom....

How to be responsible:
forgiveness? is it possible ?
keeping rested enough to maintain co-consciousness and control reactivity, flashbacks, misplaced fear and anger at the anniversaries
where is freedom?

Yes, I have read the book -

Actually my present therapist recommended it to me, told me I reminded him of the writer - I believe his words were, "no wonder you are so Jewish - you think like one..." had to laugh -

So the therapist I have is good at what he does.... some of the anger that I could not identify this morning - is from the past therapist - made me feel so horrible - I did nothing wrong - which in my mind meant I was something wrong - too damaged for him to work with. But that isn't the case - he did not go for consultation - he was trying to rescue me - not teach me to take care of myself - he really needed to get help before four years and the realization that he hurt me further....

Haven't really had an internalized abuser as much as defenders who try to keep me safe.... even when the danger is actually over.

Thank you for your response - it is appreciated.

Be Well,

The pain I endured - began so early that i did not develop the internal secure base and was left with only my G-d given intelligence and creativity which gave an escape for the immature mind when there truly was no escape... Hashem gave me a way to survive what would have otherwise been unsurvivable..... the dissociation was extreme and because of that background - re-victimazation, just continued - changing my reality and choices.... sealing dissociation as an habitual way of coping.... until the time was right to bring me out and help me to see more clearly....

As for defenders.... Part of me who only wishes to keep me safe - is disgusted with the one who gives up (freeze) and .... takes "it" - whatever "it" happens to be at the time.... (happened)

Internalized abuser (fight turned inward) - or just a scared childlike defense mechanism trying to find control in a situation where there is (was) no control.....

Yes - that is also part of the fight - I feel as though I am still there - but Baruch Hashem, I am not! It is over.... I have been brought out... true freedom will be when I am free of the imprisonment of my own instant switching and amnesia between pieces of who I am - it is all me and yet distinct and separate at times..... free of the hauntings of past trauma...

If I remove myself from the reactions, just "observe without judgement" - I can see that the "you are disgusting" reaction is a poor attempt at trying to get me to defend myself... anger turned inward.... this understanding then opens the door to realization that giving up was the safest recourse at the time - there is nothing that small child can do..... only cause more pain to be inflicted..... it is not helpful to call her (myself) names.... I am not the disgusting one - the perpetrator is..... and disconnecting from that part of me enabled me to go on at that time - yet, if I am to serve Ha Kodesh Baruch Hu with all of me - then don't I need to put all of me back together again - and so the pain of the past must be integrated.....

So calling this a defender is a reframe to get me to a point of acceptance of who I am and what has occurred - as horrific and sickening as it may be. Until I can show acceptance and compassion to all pieces I have been broken into - I cannot work with the unbalanced internal reactions and correct the erroneous constructs that are embedded within.

Sort of like Klal Yisroel - we are as a nation - broken into pieces..... Until we accept with unconditional love all Jews - we will not be able to understand. Doesn't mean we accept all actions - but by understanding - we can then open the door to growth, change and please G-d,unity....

Does this make more sense????

Wow!!!
Sounds like you went through so much!!!!
I feel your pain!!!!

TBear,
You are such a deep person.
Everything you are saying/feeling makes sense.
Forgiveness and re-integration are critical for your healing.
I usually use EMDR when people present the way you do, b/c it is the most rapid treatment and accesses pain on the nonverbal level.
a lynn

TBear can you elaborate on somatic healing through touch therapy?
I think I'm touch deprived..

Thanks so much for that elaboration!
I am also touch deprived and probably ashamed of touch.
My therapist isn't opened minded enough for this type of therapy He wouldn't know about it.
But it would be weird going to a male massage therapist and a female one obviously wouldn't be allowed

OK thank you very much TBear!!
Keep posting!

Thanks for the response Dr. Lynn! Good to hear you back.

Some of the developments that have come from the Rolfing method have been helpful, for instance - how a person holds themselves makes such a difference in their thinking - yet in my case the therapeutic touch must be carefully weighed - there is a great deal of sensitivity needed for the trauma triggers.... honestly not sure how many different techniques she combines, too tired to research it any further, have to trust her expertise.

Recently when doing some somatic work, I was not rested enough to catch the trigger and was sent into a major tailspin of re-living. Ultimately it worked for the good in that another "piece" of who I am surfaced and "shared" her experiences.... Oy Veh a rough ride, disorienting - but helpful in the long run.

Be Well~

Absolute boundaries are maintained - there must be communication that deals with the here and now experience.

She is a therapist who works specifically with helping cancer patients and trauma victims reclaim their lives by helping them deal with stress and reinhabit their body after it has "betrayed" them and they have numbed out any input from the body, helps someone know they aren't too awful to be "untouchable"... hard to explain if you have never been able to turn off your body like I can - I broke my hand once and didn't even realize it until a day later when I could no longer move my fingers and the hand was swollen - did not feel it

You are correct it would be inappropriate if I were to be physically touched regularly by the main therapist who deals in depth with issues. - that is precisely why he recommended the massage therapist - because he recognized a need for somatic work that he could not and would not be able to address.