|

|
|

|

TBear
Senior Supporter

Posts: 275
Joined: Feb 2012
|
3/21/13 7:09 AM
|
|

OK - so I admit, I am having a very tough time....
Anger keeps surfacing with such a fury - yet I am responsible for my emotions.... The anger is understandable and needs to be accepted, it is the natural response when a boundary has been crossed Yet it isn't happening now, anniversaries of pain haunt me, very difficult to function Forgiveness can't be rushed and doesn't mean saying the action was right no decent human on the face of the earth could say that I am disgusted with myself, afraid and so angry within.... So what is the anger protecting me from - what am I afraid of - the pain is debilitating
My therapist says he does not believe in rushing forgiveness.... There have been many different levels of perpetrators in the past Several anniversaries of toxic incidents around this time of year What is my responsibility to forgive - to myself and to Hashem I want to be free of the past
Pesach, a festival of freedom, how do we forgive our slavemasters? Do we forgive them?
HaKodesh Baruch Hu allowed us to see the bodies of the taskmasters as the sea closed over them.... It gave closure and a sense of justice Yet, they were not at a very high level of spirituality as of yet, they perhaps couldn't forgive yet.... I will be forgiven by Hashem according to how I forgive others - the same measure.....
What is my responsibility? How do I get through the cleaning, cooking, the doing, and deal with the turmoil inside - Is it possible to forgive - to be free??? In some ways - I do not have to work hard at imagining a life of being enslaved - I lived it.
Any ideas?
|
|
 |
|







TBear
Senior Supporter

Posts: 275
Joined: Feb 2012
|
4/3/13 1:28 PM
|
|

Realized an internal "abuser" or "defender" is at work in the therapy sessions as well - for instance - I have put the brakes on internally with going deeper into anything ever since the last time - when he was too far away and I was left alone and frozen in place - needed the grounding of feeling his presence.
So the defense in place is - no way I will go deeper unless i am sitting in the closer spot... but another defender doesn't want anyone that near - fear is high because the therapist is no longer just a talking chair and I don't want him to be real - then I might get attached and then hurt just like before....
Which then is followed by the cognitive errors of - forcasting that no one will ever stick with me through it all - and the reply that if I keep delaying then I will be too old to care or I will run out of funding - then the "this is all I am here for - others satisfaction and to be used up and thrown away - garbage, why bother to heal.... followed by the argument that I am a daughter of the King - and have to keep trying....
Endless dysfunctional loops of thought - yet understandable and it has softened to say - OK , sure, after the background I have it is reasonable to think that letting anyone close would be followed by pain - it always has.... (and I am not overgeneralizing this one - unfortunately), thus I can "reason" with the internal abuser by reframing her as an internal defender - then learning when there is real danger or just discomfort and staying in the here and now, and that even if there is an end to therapy and there will be goodbye - hopefully I will have done the work necessary to overcome the dysfunctional reactions - transference to abandonement - and not working at this stuff - not allowing myself to connect will only be a self-fulfilling prophesy..... So as a result of understanding the mindset that is defending me....even with the tension - I sit closer and take away the resistance that was in place against doing the work.....
Also by understanding my defender - and what is triggered by seeing the former therapist, I isolated myself over the past Pesach - didn't go to shul so I would not have to run into him. I knew that I was too "fragile" with all the anniversaries, cooking, cleaning, fewer sessions.... Could not take a trigger - so had to maintain safety so that functionality with my family was preserved, and ability to make use of the limited access to sessions protected.
|
|
 |
|















The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.
If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.
|