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FORUMS > Ask Dr. Lynn
Replying to Topic: Friends?
Created On 6/17/13 11:40 AM by channafofanna


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channafofanna
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6/17/13 11:40 AM
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Ok, so I am a teenager, right? so my my friends are supposed to be my life, right? The only problem is, that I dont have friends. I finaly stoped fooling myself and recognized that I am B"H very popular, outgoing, friendly and fun to be around. But why dont I have friends? People like me, but..
I dont know if this is making any sence, I have tonz of people who im friendly with ,but no friends. As in no one calls me at night or anything unless its for a specific purpose. And I know its not just my curent situation because I havent had a friend since I was in elementary school. And ive been to camp, sem, school etc, and i always have this problem. I used to think I dont have friends because I cant be honest with anyone so I have to keep a barier, and people sence that, but i dont know if that makes sence.
So here is my question- how do i know if im socialy awkward? and its weird to be asking this question at the same time, but I am toatly social, sweet, nice caring, so what can i do to make friends.
Do you get what im asking Dr. Lynn? Anoyone else get it? have any solutions or ideas?
Thanks!!
 
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fattygolucky
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6/23/13 10:37 PM
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i think you might be onto something... i have the same exact thing=you sound exactly like me!
everyone loves to be around me, i'm considered popular and outgoing and fun, but when it comes down to it, nobody calls unless they need something, same with emails and any other sort of contact. but at the same time...
b"H for me though, i did have a best friend in seminary, but it happens to be that she knows everything about me. which is why i think you're right, about people sensing barriers.
but that's just my shnooky old opinion
just letting you know you're not the only one. and that perhaps if you let down some, obviously very carefully and only some, barriers to someone who you can trust, it will help.
b'hatzlacha!!!


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ki ayshayv ba'choshech, Hashem ohr li

...somedays i'm still fighting to walk towards the light
 
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star
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6/23/13 11:11 PM
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my only true friends are the ones i met (literally)thru frumsupport. and i know how lucky i am to have them.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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I'mTrying
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6/23/13 11:31 PM
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Just curious Star, do you mean you've met up with people from frumsupport? or you mean the anonymous posting?
 
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channafofanna
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6/23/13 11:33 PM
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Go lucky-thanks!! its good to know im not the only nut!!! how do i do it though? how do i let boundries down?
Star- yep, same here... my only friends are cyber friends. you know how they always say watch out from the internet and dont have cyber friends? well i think its more dangerous to be at the bottom of a cliff with a broken neck. know what i mean?
 
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I'mTrying
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6/23/13 11:43 PM
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LOLOL sorry Channa that line about the broken neck hit my funny bone for some reason! u just can't make this stuff up
I like this anonymous posting, I have had many friends with mental illness, many of same issues as I have, and I have found that at a certain point it would just get WAAAAYYYY too intense for me. Then I would have to figure out how to change the relationship, feel guilty for hurting the other party (esp. bc as a borderline, I know exactly what kind of pain of rejection I am causing!) at the risk of sounding insensitive, I'd rather not have the responsibility... anonymous posting is more simple - although i gotta admit (shamefully) that I have felt insecure many times here, especially if no one responds to my posts...


Edited: 6/23/13 at 11:45 PM by I'mTrying
 
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channafofanna
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6/24/13 9:43 AM
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im glad i made you laugh!!! and I TOTALY hear what you mean. It is to intense sometimes ( B"H i only know from the side of people confiding in me cuz i dont open my mouth, but it definatly can get way to intense!!)
and i feel the same way with no one responding to my posts. I think everyone does. Its like you say something and then it feels like everyone hears you, but ignores you... I dont know if it helps but I always try to reply to peoples posts, but then i get my own insecurity that people think im stalking them or being anoying.... its kinda loose loose...
 
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I'mTrying
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6/24/13 6:14 PM
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I did notice that you respond to many posts, and usually with supportive and helpful comments. I for one appreciate that, I'm ssure I am speaking (?! for others too.
And I have never once felt annoyed with you
 
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channafofanna
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6/24/13 9:44 PM
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thanks! I really appreciate that! Especialy since you guys are my only friends, so validation from you guys means my friend like me!!
 
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fattygolucky
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6/25/13 12:34 AM
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i agree whole heartedly with wishicouldbenormal! i really appreciate your responses!


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ki ayshayv ba'choshech, Hashem ohr li

...somedays i'm still fighting to walk towards the light
 
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channafofanna
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6/25/13 11:53 AM
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thanks!!
 
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channafofanna
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7/1/13 2:07 PM
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So does anyone have any answers on how I can make friends?
 
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star
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7/1/13 2:11 PM
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i have the same problem. even the friends i do have, im always scared of them rejecting me.sorry i dont have answers.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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TBear
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7/1/13 9:30 PM
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What I have been doing more and more of (slowly) - and it does help little by little.... is try to do more giving to others...

For instance, I contacted the bikur cholim group here and volunteer to help - and tell them ways that I can help (since they usually tell me that I am too busy ) I tell them which days are best, and what items are my "specialties" to cook.....

Also, have talked in therapy about how I can begin going to more of the social stuff; Shabbos Kiddush, women's learning groups, or volunteering to help at the shul, or maybe even inviting people to a Shabbos meal.... It is hard because I have real problems with trust and sometimes with anxiety, and triggers to social situations.... I just want to isolate by the end of the week - but then I am lonely because I never take the time to put myself out there.....

Have also been able to step back a bit and realize that people consider me a friend - maybe not the closest friend, but a friend and would be upset to know I didn't consider them my friend. Think it comes from the idea that if they really knew me they wouldn't like me - but when that is challenged - it does not really stand up to proof..... I am my own worst enemy with this, I have to begin letting people closer just a little at a time - and some will be good friends in the end - and some will not.... at least that is what I have been told

anyway - it is hard for me as well - just telling you what has been suggested for me and I am trying - that seems to be all that is left to do - keep trying
 
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channafofanna
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7/1/13 9:46 PM
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hmmm. .... thanks. that makes sence.... but i feel like i do give a lot, maybe even to much , and i put myself out there etc
"Have also been able to step back a bit and realize that people consider me a friend - maybe not the closest friend, but a friend and would be upset to know I didn't consider them my friend. Think it comes from the idea that if they really knew me they wouldn't like me - but when that is challenged - it does not really stand up to proof..... I am my own worst enemy with this, I have to begin letting people closer just a little at a time - and some will be good friends in the end - and some will not.... at least that is what I have been told"
So so SOOOOOO true!!!!
Thanks TBear for the tips!!!
 
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I'mTrying
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7/1/13 11:23 PM
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TBear-
So true. And in the same vein, I have learned to try to step back and see that it's not all about me- meaning, that others do consider me a friend, and by recognizing that and allowing them in , I am giving to them as well. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in myself and beat myself up for not being a good enuf friend, neighbour, co-worker etc. but when I am in a more rational mind, I can step out of myself and see it's so different from the other's perspective. Sorry for blabbling. I know what I'm trying to say but It's coming out all tangled up
 
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ShtarkeMentch
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7/2/13 6:04 AM
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TBear -
Your line "Have also been able to step back a bit and realize that people consider me a friend - maybe not the closest friend, but a friend and would be upset to know I didn't consider them my friend." seams to have really resonated with a lot of us.

channafofanna -
You sound very mature for a "teenager". You may want to try (in addition to having friends your own age) making friends with some people a little older than yourself.
(run this by your therapist if you have one. I am just throwing out an idea, and I dont know if its healthy, but I think it would work)
 
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channafofanna
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7/2/13 1:52 PM
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well, SharkeMentch, sounds can be deciving. I can be very imature so I need to have people on my own wavelength.... But I have alaways hung around and felt more comfortable with older people becuase I know my life robbed me of a lot of my youthfulness, but I give off an imature impression (many people have told me that!) and i look young, so nobody older would want to be my friend, especialy since, what can I do for them?
Also I dont really have a way of meeting "older friends" exept for the people in the nursing home I sometimes volunteer at, but when you said older, i dont think you meant 99 ) But that is a VERY good idea! Thanks so much! (and a very belated "welcome to FS!")
 
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keep climbing
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7/2/13 2:25 PM
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Channa, do you live in the N.Y. area?
 
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channafofanna
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7/2/13 2:35 PM
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i pmd u..
 
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