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Replying to Topic: End justifies the means? Forgiveness
Created On 7/29/13 10:08 AM by TBear


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TBear
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7/29/13 10:08 AM
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I am feeling worried yet again - but have reached a healing point through some meditation practices that are from Buddhist teachings.... Where is the spirituality and meditation in Judaism? It can be very powerful - so am I wrong to use what I have learned from another religion? Why do I have to go outside Klal Yisroel to be able to apply the tenants of Judaism toward something as fundamental as forgiveness?????

The beginning of compassion and forgiveness for another comes from allowing myself to touch and experience, a little at a time, my own suffering and pain with tenderness... to sit with it and allow myself to be held by HaKodesh Baruch Hu and realize I am part of a greater picture that all people and experiences I encounter are part of - guided by Hashem's ultimate wisdom and kindness.

The hard part is in feeling the pain that I so fear, but it is essential to being able to offer that compassion to another. Love your neighbor as yourself requires that you love yourself. I always knew that but did not know how. The only way to forgive another in compassion is to hold compassion and forgiveness for oneself.

If I think about what the blame I hold against another is protecting me from - take down the protective inner barrier just a little – I see { Blessed is Hashem for giving sight …} it is protecting me from being overwhelmed by pain – easier to blame than to hurt - a person cannot feel this kind of pain alone - I have to keep in mind I am not alone, Hashem is there with me { Rock of my pain in time of distress….} - a hard thing for me to do. To achieve unity or intimacy (with oneself first then with another) - barriers must be removed - including the barrier of blame.

Hurts to go that deep into the grieving of unresolved losses. There are so many - I have been so alone, hurt, abandoned, more than 40 years of pain to resolve. Total lack of intimate relationship - only connection came from giving up myself – becoming that which another wants was the only escape from horror - the feeling of unworthiness and filth pervades, taking care of others needs to the point that I do not even understand what my needs are. Yet the only way out is through the muck of it all.

I have hurt others.... forgive myself for hurting, abandoning them in the field of non-feeling and dissociation... for not being there with them when they needed.... for not even knowing how to teach them about friendship and love. A person cannot easily teach something they never knew themselves.

I have caused hurt to me.... forgive myself for placating and using sickening, wrong ways to just survive... forgive myself for needing to be loved so badly that I would do anything.... forgive myself for isolating, and placing barriers of separation so that I would not be hurt - which left me in solitude...

Others have hurt me.... understand them, accept the pain I am avoiding - that of rejection and abandonment, of fear and utter loneliness, of worthlessness..... forgive them - people only hurt others so deeply when they are coming from a place of pain themselves: from their own need, fear, confusion, grief or anger....

Ask Hashem for forgiveness and clarity - for openness of heart and compassion for another, and myself..... Give unconditional love to myself and others - understanding and acceptance of the person - perhaps not the actions - but always the person made in Hashem's image..... doesn’t mean I ever have to be in the presence of the hurtful abusers, but for my own sake – I must forgive in order to move on.

This is the only way to come out of blaming circumstance, or people for my situation - the only way to live in the present and take responsibility for my life and my service to Hashem. His kindness and love certainly sustain - always.... Ki L'olam Chasdo

Saying in the Bedtime Shema' that I forgive every Jew - must include myself or it cannot include others.
 
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keep climbing
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7/29/13 10:18 AM
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Powerful stuff, Tbear.
This is a frightening journey with the most horrifying twists and turns. But it gets better. It will get better IY"H.
 
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TBear
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7/29/13 11:15 AM
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Thank you keep climbing - hope you are doing OK as well....

Seems odd that after such pain - going deep into it - I actually feel so much lighter!

In pain - still lots of grieving there, but also more at peace.....
 
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I'mTrying
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7/29/13 2:28 PM
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TBear, how do you manage to write down your thoughts and feelings so powerfully?
 
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TBear
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7/29/13 7:09 PM
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wishicouldbenormal~

Been writing since I was very young - began when I was 6 or 7.... used to write letters to G-d when I hid I my closet - trying to escape the inevitable.... begging Him to let me die instead - or maybe this night would be different....

well I am still here, Hashem got me through by enabling me to build barriers within the mind....and now I am still writing, and the barriers are coming down.....

Guess I write to release the pain - and try to work things out in my mind
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/29/13 7:21 PM
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Tbear, you're awesome!
 
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TBear
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7/29/13 9:49 PM
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Thank you wishtobehappy...

Don't want to be awesome - just want the pain to end.... so tired of the pain

Keep searching for different ways of handling it or reframing - don't want to go off spiritually in the struggle, but the deep torment sometimes obliterates all glimmers of hope... so I have to then remind myself that Hashem is with us even in the darkness... probably just more struggling against acceptance....

it does help to have your response - it is appreciated, I feel less alone

Guess I was looking for reassurance that I was on the right path even in the darkness


Edited: 7/29/13 at 9:52 PM by TBear
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/30/13 10:31 AM
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You can be awesome and still have the pain end. One doesn't negate the other

I'm no expert, but it sounds like you're definitely on the right path. I marvel at your Emunah.

I hope you find relief soon, and may Hashem help you find inner peace, true love, and joy! You deserve it!
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/30/13 12:30 PM
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I second that! TBear, you're really inspiring!
 
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keep climbing
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7/30/13 12:36 PM
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Tbear, I can relate too well to all the hurt you are describing. It's torture.

But we have to replace all the darkness and sadness that is in us with good things. Feed the Guf.

Hatzlacha and feel well!
I'm thinking about you......
 
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keep climbing
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8/11/13 7:26 PM
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Doesn't always work.
Sometimes the past just moves in and takes over no matter what I do.
I'm feeling low and can't wait to go to sleep....
 
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MoMo
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8/11/13 11:58 PM
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Ohh keep climbing...
((((((Hugs))))))

And yes it is true sometimes the past takes over and
The only thing to do is wait till it passes...
Problem is we are wired to forget that it can pass it feels like you'll be stuck in the down forever...

But for me it somehow passes eventually...



Edited: 8/11/13 at 11:59 PM by MoMo
 
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TBear
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8/15/13 7:26 PM
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I feel as though the past pain that keeps coming up is all that I am or ever will be.

I forgive, open myself to feeling the pain rather than dissociating and pray that there will be an end to it....

But there isn't... seems the harder I try the worse I feel... what does Hashem want... and I cannot even provide my kids with their needs....

Maybe sleep will help...
 
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MoMo
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8/15/13 9:15 PM
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Oy Tbear,
I'm so sorry!!!
Feel better!!!!
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/16/13 10:18 AM
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TBear, just from reading your posts it's clear that you're much more than your pain. Feel better! (((Hugs)))
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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8/29/13 11:28 AM
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Beautiful.
a lynn
 
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