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TBear
Senior Supporter

Posts: 275
Joined: Feb 2012
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7/29/13 10:08 AM
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I am feeling worried yet again - but have reached a healing point through some meditation practices that are from Buddhist teachings.... Where is the spirituality and meditation in Judaism? It can be very powerful - so am I wrong to use what I have learned from another religion? Why do I have to go outside Klal Yisroel to be able to apply the tenants of Judaism toward something as fundamental as forgiveness?????
The beginning of compassion and forgiveness for another comes from allowing myself to touch and experience, a little at a time, my own suffering and pain with tenderness... to sit with it and allow myself to be held by HaKodesh Baruch Hu and realize I am part of a greater picture that all people and experiences I encounter are part of - guided by Hashem's ultimate wisdom and kindness.
The hard part is in feeling the pain that I so fear, but it is essential to being able to offer that compassion to another. Love your neighbor as yourself requires that you love yourself. I always knew that but did not know how. The only way to forgive another in compassion is to hold compassion and forgiveness for oneself.
If I think about what the blame I hold against another is protecting me from - take down the protective inner barrier just a little – I see { Blessed is Hashem for giving sight …} it is protecting me from being overwhelmed by pain – easier to blame than to hurt - a person cannot feel this kind of pain alone - I have to keep in mind I am not alone, Hashem is there with me { Rock of my pain in time of distress….} - a hard thing for me to do. To achieve unity or intimacy (with oneself first then with another) - barriers must be removed - including the barrier of blame.
Hurts to go that deep into the grieving of unresolved losses. There are so many - I have been so alone, hurt, abandoned, more than 40 years of pain to resolve. Total lack of intimate relationship - only connection came from giving up myself – becoming that which another wants was the only escape from horror - the feeling of unworthiness and filth pervades, taking care of others needs to the point that I do not even understand what my needs are. Yet the only way out is through the muck of it all.
I have hurt others.... forgive myself for hurting, abandoning them in the field of non-feeling and dissociation... for not being there with them when they needed.... for not even knowing how to teach them about friendship and love. A person cannot easily teach something they never knew themselves.
I have caused hurt to me.... forgive myself for placating and using sickening, wrong ways to just survive... forgive myself for needing to be loved so badly that I would do anything.... forgive myself for isolating, and placing barriers of separation so that I would not be hurt - which left me in solitude...
Others have hurt me.... understand them, accept the pain I am avoiding - that of rejection and abandonment, of fear and utter loneliness, of worthlessness..... forgive them - people only hurt others so deeply when they are coming from a place of pain themselves: from their own need, fear, confusion, grief or anger....
Ask Hashem for forgiveness and clarity - for openness of heart and compassion for another, and myself..... Give unconditional love to myself and others - understanding and acceptance of the person - perhaps not the actions - but always the person made in Hashem's image..... doesn’t mean I ever have to be in the presence of the hurtful abusers, but for my own sake – I must forgive in order to move on.
This is the only way to come out of blaming circumstance, or people for my situation - the only way to live in the present and take responsibility for my life and my service to Hashem. His kindness and love certainly sustain - always.... Ki L'olam Chasdo
Saying in the Bedtime Shema' that I forgive every Jew - must include myself or it cannot include others.
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