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imma123
Junior Supporter
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2006
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6/12/06 6:19 PM
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hi frum therepist or any supporter Wanted to ask your advice in refrence to my 15 and a half year old son. We have been sending our kids off to sleep away camps in the summer for the past few years , all out kids really enjoyed themselves and had a good summer. We are getting ready to send the kids off this summer too , but the problem is with my 15 year old son who does not want to go to sleep away camp anymore, he says that he hates it and will only make trouble if he is forsed to go and he will be kicked out. He accually got himself a job in the city as an assistant counselor in a day camp. the problem is that i was worned by nmany people about not letting my teen stay in the city in the summer that he wll have too much time on his head and that he will hang out too much and that usuly the kids that stay in the city are not the best enviorment for him. I agree with them in that espect and am concerned beacuse he has been stating to hang out a little too much lately, yet i know that i cannot forse him to go to sleep away, That he has a job it is a good thing but how can i protect him and stop him from hanging out and befriending the wrong kids, i dont want this summer to bring him down. what would you advice me to do at this point , take in mind that we are dealing here with a very stubborn teen who will not chainge his mind about the summer. 
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Debbi
Senior Supporter
Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005
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6/12/06 10:28 PM
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Hi,
Of course you cannot force him to do what he doesnt want to do.
It is a really good thing that he has a job.
Sounds like he's a kid who knows what he wants.
I wonder if perhaps you can plan activities for him.
If he likes to read, make sure you have a good selection of new books handy. Perhaps you can plan some outings for the two of you (or husband and other siblings) to be taken after his job is finished for the day.
If he is creative and enjoys art or hands on projects, buy some kits which are age appropiate and encourage him to sit down in the evenings, in the cool air conditioned house, and work on things of interest.
I think if you plan well ahead, and are able to pull things out of your hat at a moments notice, he will be less likely to go outside the home looking for excitement.
Are any of his friends staying in the city?
If they are, why dont you suggest that they come over, either on shabbos, or during the week, and join him in the activities that you have planned.
I realise that he is a teenager, and not so likely to be happy to be in the house doing "stuff", but I think that if you offer these things, and gently guide him in a clever way, he will spend less time just hanging around.
(dont expect that he will "never" want to hang out, and then when he does once in a while you will be less dissapointed)
hope these suggestions were helpful.
Let us know if you come up with anything else.
debbi
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imma123
Junior Supporter
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2006
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6/16/06 12:07 PM
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Dear frumtherepist
thank you for replying to my post.
To give you a little backround, I happen to have a winderful relationship with my son, We get along great, he is very open with me about himself and will tell me everything even if it is something that i might be disapointed with him, beacuse he knows that I will never yell at him or even his father. We always have long conversations about everything that he does , we talk about the good and the bad.
The reason that i am concern is beacuse of past expierience from his older brother who gave us a run for our money . he was a party animal who could not be controld and we went throgh 2 years of hell with him, where he would not listen to us, basicly do what he wants come home when he wants , sometimes not come home at all, In short nothing mattered to him, no scool, or work . only his friends and having fun, and that led him to not some good places, experimenting with alcohol and drugs. thank god he has grown , beacuse we were smart enough to send him away for a year to a Yeshivah in israel and he is showing a chainge for the better.
Now to son # 2 . I do not want to go through the same thing with him, i just dont have the streagth anymore. Although he is a different caricter then his brother I am starting to see some sighns that i dont like.
We were hoping that we can still send him to camp one more year, but like you said , we cannot forse him. So we made sure that he has a job.
the problem is that lately he has been bord alot and going out alot without any perpes , meeting friends , making new friends, a few times he came back smelling from cigarettes and admited to me that he did smoke a cigarette or 2. We talk alot about that too , beacuse my son knows our view on cigarett smoking and how much we dont like it beacuse how unhealthy it is. I think he is trying it out and parhaps trying to see how far he can go with us.
We give my son and all our kids lots of love we dont judge them we only try to help them follow the right path.
I just hope that this summer will not bring him down , I guess talk and talk and talk to him is the best that i can do and with hashems help ,he knows that he comes from a loveng home with supportive mother and father and I can only hope that he wont disapoint us in any way.
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frumtherapist
Supporter
Posts: 65
Joined: Nov 2005
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6/19/06 5:26 PM
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Hi Imma....
You sound like you are trying hard...keep it up!
Unfortunately, when a child is beginning to go on a troublesome path, (and had an older brother to model things for him), it takes more than love from mom to keep on the straight path...although that is certainly one crucial ingredient. The trick is to literally surround him with positive influences, activities, structures, etc. Whether this includes tutors that are "good guys", a mentor, a relative he looks up to and relates to, a Rebbe to take an active interest, a local Rav, etc. Be creative! And don't just find one - we want to "attack the problem" and nip it in the bud from every possible angle. Perhaps you want to consider therapy as well, although at his age it is quite likely he won't be that open to it. Think outside the box- if your son like to exercise for example, see if you can hook him up with someone who can exercise with him (but really be a positive factor in his life). If your son is having any academic issues and difficulties, Hebrew or secular, it is important to address that as well. Learning difficulties are one of the greatest "predictors" of teen "waywardness". On your end, if you feel that your emotional strength is webbing, you may want to consider going for counselling as well. Taking care of yourself emotionally is not only an indirect intervention for your sanity and your son - it is direct!
Ongoing best of success.
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