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Replying to Topic: from....stop crushing my hope.......to mazel tov.bh.
Created On 12/2/13 11:20 AM by star


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star
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12/13/13 11:14 AM
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im no way having a child before im ready. no kid is gonna suffer like i did. and i barely take care of my own needs.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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keep climbing
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12/13/13 12:24 PM
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I agree with you, star.Stay strong--you always know what you need.
How is everything going?
 
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mouse
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12/13/13 1:17 PM
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I think you are right on that matter....There is a good chance you can get a heter but speak with a rav and a doctor about it. Don't go by anecdotal info.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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star
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12/14/13 9:30 PM
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great. im such a slut. i conciously or subconciously seduced him(my chosson) to be physical w me. not sleeping but everything else. i think im addicted but is it so crazy to be addicted to love? whats wrong with me???


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Lasthope
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12/15/13 7:12 AM
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DOn't beat yourself up about it. It happens to MANY frum engaged couples. Just try to get a wedding date asap (do u have one) and see each other less but talk on phone more, so you don't have the physical temptation. Engagement is really tough with that. I promise you the yetzer hara is trying to get you to mess up and then feel really crappy about it. You messed up, but there's always a chance to fix things. You can stop, resolve to do better next time, then don't feel bad anymore about it. I rarely bring up the yetzer hara but I know this parsha too well. As for birth control, if you get affected by the pill - it can cause more mood issues with lots women, even those without predisposition to depression (which is hard to know until you try it), there is the IUD. It has issues with staining, but it's the best b.c. out there cuz you don't have to remember to use it. Wait until you are ready. Discuss other options with kalla teacher or rav, cuz there are many options (diaphragm.. condom is even allowed in some cases) and make sure they KNOW that you are on meds and been struggling with depression and all that stuff and need to be ready for the task of taking care of another human life. You need to feel ready. Having kids is beautiful, it brings mashiach closer, it brings lots of good stuff, but it also brings the reality of stress and stress and stress which affects our very sensitive brains.
You are not a slut. You are a daughter of Gd who made a mistake. we all make mistakes. You can pick yourself up and keep moving, and talk about how you feel with your chosson if it helps.
 
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mouse
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12/15/13 3:27 PM
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LH said it well....


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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star
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12/15/13 5:01 PM
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that hurts. It's not a mistake.its a real need. I feel misunderstood and judged. I won't even try to explain myself. Ouch ouch ouch.


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mouse
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12/15/13 6:16 PM
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I will add a warning....IUD insertion when done on someone who hasn't had a birth vaginally is VERY VERY VERY painful. I'm not sure about those who have had babies vaginally. All I know is what I know. It isn't pretty.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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12/15/13 6:46 PM
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Star -

May you have a wonderful life


Edited: 12/16/13 at 9:52 PM by TBear
 
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star
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12/15/13 9:26 PM
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ok I really don't need your advice. This forum is supposed to be about acceptance.you have no idea what I mean by need. I've been bullied and taunted and rejected for 23 years and here is finally someone who wants me iin every way, and I need to be as close to him as possible. And most of the day I feel such pain that the pleasure and non thinking is exactly what I need. You are being judgemmntal. I thought I had a family here. I want to cry. Ur all hurting me so much. All I need is acceptance not change. You have no no no idea of my suffering. All that's it's making me feel is pain again. Wow. I am so so so hurt. Tbear think twice before telling me how my need is, like food? You have no idea. I thought I was safe here. You know what gd understands. And if I don't fit in here I'll be modern orthodox. So great, thank you for making me feel unwanted and unwelcome here. Now I assume ur gonna deny everything I said so go ahead.hurt me more.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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gad
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12/15/13 10:25 PM
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Star, that's exactly why people are advising you the way they are.
Because they want what's good and blessing for you and your choson
 
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Lasthope
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12/16/13 1:53 AM
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I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to, only trying to help. really sorry
 
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Lasthope
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12/16/13 2:04 AM
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Edited: 12/16/13 at 8:05 AM by Lasthope
 
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star
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12/16/13 4:49 PM
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gad once again u give me advice and dont evevn read and HEAR what im saying.
lasthope, thank you. i appreciate it.


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mouse
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12/16/13 8:42 PM
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First off, star, I hope I didn't hurt you though I know I did. It was unintentional. You wrote that the site is about acceptance. But the site is also about new ideas and ways of thinking and behaviong. Perhaps it's helpful to state the purpose of you post so we have a better idea how to respond. Apparently you wanted acceptance, but some of us read it as "need kneww way to do things" and offfered advice based on that thought. I'm not sure but I think that's what happened with me. I'm sorry for not reading inot your post correctly.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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12/16/13 9:22 PM
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OK Star - you are right - I am sorry - shouldn't have bothered to post - don't blame you for being angry - I'm done.
 
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gad
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12/16/13 10:30 PM
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Star, I do care about you, but I am also very worried that you are digging a pit for yourself and your choson.
And that sometimes, it's important to realize and rectify mistakes, instead of lashing out at people who are trying to help.

You say that I don't read what you write, or hear what you are saying
Let me make more of an attempt

"ok I really don't need your advice. This forum is supposed to be about acceptance.you have no idea what I mean by need. I've been bullied and taunted and rejected for 23 years and here is finally someone who wants me iin every way, and I need to be as close to him as possible."

When we are close when we should be far, then we are far when we should be close.
The way to bring G-d's blessings into a relationship, is to do follow his mitzvos.
Love is fire. When it has the proper containment and limits, it can bring warmth and light. When it runs loose, it can ch"v destroy everything in its path.
If you really love your choson, then you won't want to bring misfortune to him ch"v.


"And most of the day I feel such pain that the pleasure and non thinking is exactly what I need."

So the brain has no use any more? Torah and halacha are now out the window?
I give you more credit, and ability, then you give yourself.
But the yetzer horo is very clever, and can justify anything.


"You are being judgemmntal. I thought I had a family here. I want to cry. Ur all hurting me so much. All I need is acceptance not change. You have no no no idea of my suffering. All that's it's making me feel is pain again. Wow. I am so so so hurt."

Maybe you are being judgemental. We know that you are hurting. And we wish you good health. And a healthy nervous condition. But when people try to help you, and are trying to steer you in a direction that will be for your good, and you accuse them, not even giving them some credit, not being understanding and sensitive to their wanting to help you, not even acknowledging their wanting to help, then I think that the shoe of bring judgemental and insensitive is perhaps on the other foot.

We know you're hurting. But give us some credit, some acknowledgement, of our wanting to help you.
But, as I mentioned before, when the yetzer horo mixes in, it becomes difficult to think straight, and then "the pleasure and non thinking" (except for thinking how to attack others and justify breaking halacha in order to maintain the pleasure) take precedence.
I know I'm being harsh here, but I am trying to show you the other side of the coin, so that you can make the proper decision to not be in the same city as your choson until the chasunah.

I could go on quoting you, but I think it's enough.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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toy123
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12/16/13 11:02 PM
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Gad I know u mean well but I really don't think star needed to hear such harsh words. I'm sure she's getting enough criticism out of here... star I want u to k ow that I didn't post anything because this topic is a difficult topic for me but I'm extremely happy for u and wish u the best really. I will not give any advice or criticism since frankly I have no experience and am no rebbetzin so I think it's best for me to stay neutral. I do wanna say though that YOUR NOT A SLUT!!!! Don't even think in that direction... May u be zoicha to build a bayis neamen B'yisroel and be happy till 120....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/17/13 2:07 AM
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Star, the most important question is not what everyone else thinks, but where you yourself stand on the matter. What do you believe your engagement period should be like? And once you're married, what should the nidda period be like? And remember, if you're not having children right away, that would be almost half of the time. And I have to tell you, it's not easy, especially in shana rishona. And you definitely need a good Rav, someone you're really comfortable with. Because once you're married shailos come up all the time. At least in my experience. Good luck!
 
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toy123
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12/17/13 3:14 AM
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C'mon people I'm not criticizing and you might be right but can't u see that star is seeking from us a "different" kind of support? I'm pretty sure she knows she has to talk to a rav... she was expressing her distress over doing something and here we are becoming her advisors. I don't know if that's what she's asking for. I can't talk for her I'm just putting myself in her situation and trying to see her point of view. She wants our support on what happened not on stuff that will happen in the marriage. Am I completely off star?


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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