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Replying to Topic: rage
Created On 3/17/14 6:26 PM by star


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star
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3/17/14 6:26 PM
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i can only write this here,my secret life.

I AM ENRAGED.
I AM FURIOUS.
I AM SO ANGRY HOW MY LIFE TURNED OUT, I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE WALLS AND THROW ROCKS AT THEM.
I WANT TO KILL SOMETHING. I WANT TO MAKE SOMEONE HURT AS MUCH AS I DO.

I AM ANGRY AT GD. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME????
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I JUST WANT ONE ENJOYMENT AND I CANT GET IT CUZ OF MY STUPID MEDS OR MAYBE S/T ELSE.
ITS NOT JUST THAT ITS EVERYTHING COMBINED.

ITS ALWAYS ALWAYS BEING JUDGED AND NEVER EVER BEING UNDERSTOOD. ITS SAYING SORRY AT THE WHOLE WORLD
WHEN THEY SHOULD BE SAYING SORRY FOR ME.
ITS FOR EVERY JOB I QUIT OR WAS FIRED FROM AND IT WASNT MY FREAKIN FAULT.

ITS FOR THIS MARRIAGE I DREAMED OF, THE LOVING SENSITIVE HANDSOME HUSBAND I FANTASIZED ABOUT WHEN I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF.
I WANTED HIM TO HAVE BLUE EYES. JUST ONE LITTLE THING. A STUPID THING. BUT I DESERVE IT. DONT YOU GET IT.
AFTER THE HELL OF DEPRESSION, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, DAYS FEELING LIKE A MURDERER, ENDLESS MINUTES OF HORROR SHAME AND ANXIETY....

I DESERVE THIS GD. AND U R LAUGHING IN MY FACE. I HATE U SO MUCH I COULD EXPLODE. IM SCARED ILL EXPLODE IN THE STREET
AND YELL IM INSANSE KILL ME. YELL YOURE ALL RIGHT IM AN ABUSIVE MURDERER.

IM GONNA EXPLODE WITH THIS RAGE AND NOONE NOTHING AND NOBODY CAN TAKE IT AWAY.

I JUST WANT ONE PERSON TO CRY WITH ME. MY DOC, I WANT HIM TO CRY WITH ME WHEN IM CRYING INSTEAD OF WATCHING.
I WANT HIM TO HUG ME. I WANT GD TO REVERSE TIME SO I COULD MEET HIM FIRST.
CUZ ITS NOT FAIR HIS WIFE GETS TO BE RICH AND HAVE A SENSITIVE HANDSOME HUSBAND. THATS RIGHT EVERYONE
IM A CRAZY JEALOUS BITCH. I WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. IM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS.
IM A SINNER LIKE NO OTHER.

BUT I JUST WANT ONE THING. ONE PERSON TO GO INSIDE MY HEAD AND COME OUT AND CRY WITH ME
CUZ HE FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY UNDERSTANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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keep climbing
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3/17/14 7:46 PM
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(((HUGS)))
Oy, Star! It's horrible to feel like That! I hope it gets better really soon.
WE, on this site do cry with you, and know what it feels like (at least I do.)
We are always with you, thinking about you. You are never alone!
 
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star
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3/17/14 9:15 PM
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thanks for not judging.


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HopefulMommy
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3/18/14 12:21 PM
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Oh, star, it's perfectly understandable that you feel this way. (((Hugs))) Don't judge yourself! Emotions are there for a reason, and this one likely comes from years and years of unmet emotional needs. That's probably why it's so intense. Hang in there and try to ride it out. Feel better!
 
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star
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3/19/14 7:35 PM
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thanks guys for understanding. when i said 'affair' i was sure s/o was gonna say ur crazy....anyways bh today did some organizing for gemach and the lady told me
im good w fashion cuz i got a new dress. and it was 15/hr so got 70 for 4 hrs bh. but still feeling isolated. keep texting ppl angry things etc to get them mad at me, so confusing.


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HopefulMommy
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3/23/14 1:55 AM
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That sounds nice, the gemach job. How are you doing now?
 
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star
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3/23/14 10:34 PM
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thanks. was very sick. better now bh. but so upset about perets sontag. a confident of his told me his fam was mistreating him after he lost his money and thats why he was so depressed, and now hes dead and the secret dies w him. his fam gets to look all innocent and concerned and meanwhile they r heartless. idk what u say, i know this. taking it very personally cuz my fam gets away w abusing me all the time and i am the one ending up looking bad.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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HopefulMommy
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3/24/14 1:20 AM
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Glad you're feeling better. It's hard to be sick, on top of everything else. That's such a sad story. I don't know anyone who knew him personally. But as Jews we're all connected.
 
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channafofanna
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3/24/14 7:02 AM
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oy.. I have nothing so say but ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
 
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star
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3/24/14 12:59 PM
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thanks. how do u get these posts sent to email?


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star
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3/27/14 11:18 PM
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so I left my fb page cuz I was getting hurt and looked like an idiot.

I keep getting into altercations w ppl I work w etc so I feel lile a complete loser who gets along w noone. Except my husband, we were doing so well and then randomly were playing guitar and I get irritated at him and mad at myself. And anxious for the long shabbos and what abour pesach??? Wat the hell does gd expect from us ppl??? I may just watch tv. I already decided I'm not doing mikva, I'm so angry w gd about peretzs story. Which terrifies me.
I don't expect you guys to reply cuz I haven't been here for you , it's hard to come on , maybe it's a painful reminder but I feel like I'm abandoning you guys....just venting...


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HopefulMommy
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3/28/14 12:01 PM
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Sorry you are having a hard time. Did you see Lasthope's post that it might not have been suicide?

There are times when we give and times when we take. I think it's fine to come here for support even if you are unable to support others.
 
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channafofanna
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3/30/14 9:34 AM
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How about you worry about takin gcare of yourself and if anyone of us feels like you are abandoning us, we can discuss it.\It may not feel like i, but yiou deserve replies and support, regardless of what you do to help others..
 
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I'mTrying
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3/30/14 12:23 PM
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All I can say is I care so much and feel your pain.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
 
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star
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3/31/14 6:29 PM
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thanks.on the bus and reading up on the depression threads and feeling like an outsuder.without me, there are no more fights or hurt feelings, it seems you all are better off without me. Am I such a horrible ,mean person? I left my MI fb page cuz either ppl were hurting me or I was misinterpeting them. Also in monsey I thought I found my niche but now there are several ppl I was 'close to' that I now avoid. So guys what is wrong with me? I feel like a posienous snake, everyones running from me. I don't know where to go for pesach cuz family mostly o don't talk to and other ppl I don't want an incident with. I feel like such a failure. Help please.


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star
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4/1/14 10:52 AM
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I guess the silence says it all.wow.


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HopefulMommy
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4/2/14 12:48 AM
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All the silence says is that people are busy getting ready for Pesach, and dealing with their own issues. I am so exhausted I can barely think straight. Not sure if I can say anything meaningful. I mean, I definitely don't think you're a horrible or mean person. I think you're a hurting person. But there are probably things you could do to improve your relationships. I think it might be more helpful for you to discuss your relationships with your therapist. I don't know if a bunch of online friends who are busy with their own issues can really help.

Sorry, I'm just feeling overly agitated and anxious right now. This time of the year is hard.
 
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keep climbing
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4/2/14 5:07 AM
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Sorry, star, for not answering. I wasnt feeling well myself.
Any better, today?
 
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tikvah
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4/2/14 10:21 AM
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yeah hm, that just made me feel worse.

thanks kc.

today im feeling sh***y cuz yesterday i was supposed to see my doc but i hadnt slept the night before so i took sereqoul and then was too exhausted to go and he wont give me any more time this week and im feeling anxious about shabbos, pesach, mikva....goes on and on.....


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star
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4/2/14 3:10 PM
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I just want to die. Everyone hates me. I'm so triggered by my doc, my hubby rold me stop cursing and I know I'm a horible person. And I'm so angry it has no place to go. I'm all alone cuz I'm s cursing bitch.


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