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TOPIC TITLE: I'll spouse family in denial and acting with guilty conscious
Created On 6/10/07 11:36 AM
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Lev-Nishber
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6/10/07 11:36 AM
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I was wondering if there are any spouse's here of people with Mental illness,
My question to you is. How is your Ill spouses family treating you ? and support ing you? are they taking any resposabilty?
Thanks

Lev-Nishber
 
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emjay
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7/30/07 2:44 PM
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hi me and my spouse had gone through alot in the past few years my spouse was ill and her family use to blame me not knowing what's going on. thay use to ask me why does your wife look deprssed or she never looks ok as a girl she was allways happy and for it was very hard dealing with the illness trying to help my wife and dealing with her family untill i gave up mentelly and phisyclly i went out of the house and called up my inlaws and said i can't any more come and pick her up and thay hed her in the house and it changed alot , but now we are both b"h doing ok
 
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eagle wings
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10/1/07 8:39 PM
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My spouse had uncontrolled bipolar for several years. He refused to go for treatment despite the complete breakdown of our relationship and I did not have the financial resources for divorce (if I had, I would have, as he was into substance abuse and things were VERY terrible here. The fallout is I now have 3 kids off the derech... )( I tried to bear with it for a long time, but when things got REALLY bad I tried to check if divorce was feasible for me.). I know you might not like to hear this; I am being honest.
Anyway, his family gave lip service to his need for treatment, but basically blamed me for not getting him to go for treatment, and yet also insinuated that I was over-reacting. They did not trust me, and constantly checked up my words with other relatives. (Who varified my claims, but I think it was too difficult for them to believe. It was easier to make me into a villian.)
Well, he went to visit them, fell into the street when drunk and high (almost got run over).... and they had him in treatment within 24 hours. (Although their first reaction to him was "go home", at that point I told him I would not allow him back into the house unless he started treatment. By this time I had realized that finances or none, I could not continue to live this way....)
I t is a fine line to walk--- to realize that you can not FORCE someone to treatment, yet at the same time try to decide at which point you say "enough". Possible impoverishment is a VERY frightening prospect to face. Most of the time I centered my energies on instilling in the children the idea that they are seperate from their Dad, and they have nothing to be ashamed of. I tried to keep the home as steady and normal an environment as possible.


-------------------------
"Let GO and Let G_D"
 
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Dr. Lynn
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10/10/07 12:29 AM
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Your post was very moving for me, and I wish you success. You are strong and brave, It is very hard to maintain self-respect, but you are walking the walk. Be proud of yourself!
a lynn
 
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Officeguy
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3/3/08 10:13 AM
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I am also deeply inspired by your words of clarity and wisdom. I have my own challenges too and find great comfort that you have been and are able to be so strong and clear in your belief and trust.

Fight the good fight.

 
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moshe
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4/10/08 7:57 PM
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Edited: 4/10/08 at 8:02 PM by moshe
 
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moshe
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4/10/08 8:01 PM
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to eagle wings,
I wish u much hizuk in your situation.And things will improve. If someone dosn't admit to a mental illness and refuses treatment then there is not much u can do. If someone knows that he is ill and refuses treatment then he is like an animal.
I don't know which one of the two he is. But generally speaking, even if your husband is second u still should not "kill" him in front of your children.By negating their father you were distroying your own children.The proper response should have been"Your father is very sick and so sick that he can't help you, me or himself. You need to forgive him.And I will be to you like mother and like a father."
You should try to extend yourself as much as u can to your children and one day all or some of them will come back.
 
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Vivi
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6/4/08 11:12 AM
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Moshe - though I agree that it's important that the kids understand that their father's actions are due to illness, it's very hard to tell one spouse to be both mother and father. I myself have tried to be strong for my children, but I can't do it alone.

My DH has bipolar but has been stable, B"H, these past five years (thanks to a wonderful doctor and the right meds. We are married now for 10 1/2 years.) My family loves my DH and have been very supportive of us.

My inlaws? Well, I have to say that those people who are often part of the problem cannot contribute much to the cure. My FIL is a very controlling man, and his lack of a positive relationship with DH did alot to undermine my DH's self-esteem, which impeded his confidence to follow thru and get the help he needed initially and for quite some time. Also, whenever DH was feeling down and he called on them for support, they were either too busy to give him the time of day, or they responded by blaming DH for his issues and pushing him further down. Of course his siblings kept far away from him during hard times, as they didn't want it to be their problem and also what would the neighbors say if they knew?

Now that my DH is doing well, he finally has something of a relationship with his family, but they still don't give him the respect he deserves and it bothers me.

Eagle Wings - I admire you for holding on and doing your best. There are alot of reasons not to get divorced. Financial is one of them. In my case, during the years when DH was ill I was the breadwinner anyway. I didn't get divorced because I didn't feel that it would solve everything. DH would always be the children's father, and I preferred to try and get him the help he needed so that he could be a husband to me and a father to them, rather than subject the children to the issues that arise out of a divorce. He has tremendous warmth and his case was much milder than yours sounds. I don't think I could've held on if he had been into substance abuse, etc...

I did and continue to do my best. I resented it when DH's family criticized us and told me I'd better get him help - as if I was supposed to accomplish what they had failed to do - help stabilize a son they had messed up (he was bipolar before we met.)
 
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