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TOPIC TITLE: looking for a shidduch with past history of mental illness
Created On 7/14/08 2:09 PM
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queen
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7/14/08 2:09 PM
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Hi, I wonder if anyone can help me. When I was 20 yrs I was diagnosed with bipolar depression and was on medication and in therpay for several years. BH I have been off medication and out of therapy for several years and with no setback. If someone would see me they would never believe that I suffered in the past. I run my own company and Bh I am very succesful in almost every aspect of life. The only problem I have is in with Shidduchim. In the beginning I used to tell the shadchanim about my past and I got offered boys who were not functioning. So I decided not to tell and if I felt there was potential with a boy I told him. I have just ended a year relationship with someone. This boy couldn't commit because he felt my past was too scary for him to deal with ( even though the Doctors have told him that chances of recurrence are slim.) Even though I was told by professionals and friends that this boy had the issues, not me, I still feel finding a shidduch with a past history of mental illness a nightmare. I know I am not alone because my mother has heard of other people with a history of MI having a hard time with shidduchim. I want to know are there any shadchanim who specialize with people who have had an illness esp psycriatic illness? Are there any support groups for people in similar situation to me? I would like to know if anyone has any advice to offer me, because I am quite desperate at this point.
 
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gad
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7/16/08 1:27 AM
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You may need to make a tradeoff. That is, to be prepared to marry someone who is lacking in other respects.

Waiting to tell the boy until the 5th date or so is a good idea. And even then, you don't need to be blunt with all the details. You can just mention that there was an episode, but everything is Ok now. If you are asked for details, you can reply that part of the therapy was to forget, so you forgot things.

If you are still taking medication, you can say that it's for preventive, and that the doctors are being overly cautious.

Your Rabbi should be asked about all the above.

Hope to hear good news.

 
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iandyou
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12/1/08 7:15 PM
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i have a simmilar problem like you
 
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moshe
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12/4/08 7:08 PM
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I want to express my opinion regarding when and how to tell about past history of MI. This opinion is based on Torah knowlege. In general it is not smart in shidduchim to label oneselt with MI. Being forthright and straighforward is countreproductive and illogical. Such attitude will repel any potential shidduchim whether you go through a shadchan or straight with Mr./Ms. However such information needs to be revealed to a pospective boy/girl when one feels comfortable doing so in a relationship. Such info. should not be downplayed/ minimazed but a real and honest picture needs to be told. Sometimes this maybe at a 5th date or 25th date. If someone hides this info. and someone marries you then that is a betrayal at the beg. of a relationship. Many such undisclosed cases resulted in divorces( this more frequently happens in yeshivish circles). So, one needs to know that being dishonest will result instead of a gain in a loss.
 
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queen
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1/18/09 12:48 AM
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So what do you do if you have a similar problem to me? Any advice? Or have you given up dating??!!!!!!!
 
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moshe
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1/19/09 2:14 PM
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if you reread my post carefully you will find that advice-that is reveal but when you feel comfortable in your relationship.
 
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Bugs Bunny
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2/3/09 10:28 PM
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Hi Would u take someone with a shtriemel but is very open minded will go on dates etc, etc. only in chassidic garb I may know someone.
 
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queen
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2/11/09 3:05 PM
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hi, maybe you can email me more info about this boy on a private email address.

thank you
 
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ayelet_hashachar
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9/16/12 1:07 PM
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I feel your pain! (((((HUGS)))))) I'm in the same situation! (tho still taking meds and prob need them for the rest of my life) We can support each other on this site


-------------------------
Let's just say G-d knew I had a sense of humor.
 
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