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TOPIC TITLE: avoiding suicide
Created On 12/21/05 2:58 PM
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Torsalicious613
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12/21/05 2:58 PM
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this is a very tough thing. i at times feel like succumbing, but i know i'm too chicken and too many people would be hurt, including myself if i do so. so i don't. in the back of my mind, i always want to, but i won't do it. also constantly in the back of my mind is reaching, or striving toward my potential. i know if i eneded it now, i'd never reach it and would just have to come back in some other form to do so. (i.e. animal, person, rock-- if you believe in reincarnation and karma, one of which, is a very jewish, kabbalistic idea, the other, well, just plain buddhist. which i am not. but doesn't karma exist in all religions? not just buddhist? is it a jewish thing?) anyway, i know i want to make it to hollywood someday, i am a natural actress and i sing like an angel (so i've been told) and i want to be a plus size model; and i really love dancing. ingredients to become famous? perhaps. maybe i could be the first frum jewish girl in hollywood. make hours around MY time, not theirs. the world will see this, and it will make a HUGE kiddush hashem. this is just my dream: now ahh, making it come into fruition. even my cousin told me: you'll be famous someday. i sure hope so. i've went through too much. i've been told i look like brooke shields (yes, a shicksa), but when people say this i get very happy because she is beautiful. her best friend, from when she was on a really popular show called suddenly susan (ever hear of it?) david strickland, had bpd, and was a raging alcaholic. he committed suicide, hung himself. the show didn't do to well after that. a lot more people are bipolar than you think. brooke herself, btw, had post partum depression. had to take meds (antidepressants) to correct it. good for her. she tried all other possabilities and then finally did something about it. tom cruis, who really "cares about her and wants to see her succeed" pushed her down for this. he said"she should just take vitamins" and that psychiatry is a "psudoscience". hmm. scientology. shows how much he knows. it's great he "cares" about her, but i also think he's a little ignorant.

may all of us bipolaroids command respect and get the respect we deserve some day, and reach our potential, and not kill ourselves, no matter how hard it gets, but to hold on, and change the world for the better, which i know all of us know how to do intrinsically already: it's in our dna. if it's one thing bipolar people can do well, it may not be help ourselves or make ourselves happy, but that we can see the pain in other people and we are sensitive to it so we can help them.

g-d bless us all, and may we never give up;

if we keep holding on, we can all make a great kiddush hashem one day, all in our own unique special g-d given ways.

everyone, be well

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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ImaBP
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12/22/05 8:17 AM
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Atara- I read your post. I'm new at this and a ba'ales tshuvah. I've been through alot too, and to have BP on top of it. But B"H
we are sensitive, loving, people. I too have been told numerous times that I look like Brooke Shields, yes she is a beautiful woman,
but so are you in your own right. We BP's tend to belittle our own "gifts" and talents that Hashem gives us. I myself have struggled
through the years, and just a year ago have gotten treatment. I am 41, but they say I look like I'm in my late 20's. We have alot
to be thankful for. Yes, I think all of us go through not wanting to be a burden to people, and we really don't want to commit suicide
we are creations of Hashem. Getting on the proper meds is important and keeping our selves occupied is so important.
I have a little child to raise, thank G-d, she's a miracle! We need to support each other, do our best to live our lives, and do mitzvots
to give us a great deal of happiness in serving!!
Perhaps you can join a frum girls acting class. I remember attending a wonderful skit, a friend of mine wrote and they had
women attend and they charged, and the money went to tzeddaka.
I wish you all the best, and hope that I can be of help.
ImaBP
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/23/05 2:13 PM
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aww, you look like brooke shields too? that's so cute! honestly i thought i was the only one in this whole wide world who looked like her (i'm kidding, although it is refreshing finding someone who looks like her aside from me, now i feel there are other brookes in the world besides me and i'm not so alone, lol..) anyway, i will take what you said into consideration. i am very creative, and love acting, so i will consider joining an acting group. know of any jewish ones in the philadelphia/new york area? i may be moving to queens in about 2 years iy''h, but now i'm home in philly. have a good shabbos!

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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lookinforhelp
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12/25/05 6:46 AM
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Dear Torah613,

I know the feeling all too well. Unfortunately, it is a feeling I have a little too often. Wouldn't life just be easier if I decided to end it. And I don't even care if I'll hurt my family or friends, cuz I doubt that they will miss me. Of course, now I'm actually not having a really down day and so I recognize that what I'm writing is completely incorrect, but on my bad days, I'm not really in the mood to be realistic and I just want to die. I just want all the pain to be over and not have to think about comping with it. But I'm scared, too scared to just pick up a bottle of pills and down them all- why, I do not know...

LFH
 
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ImaBP
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12/25/05 7:24 AM
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LFH, Yes, know also. those thoughts must be quickly be filled with thoughts of "Life". You mentioned it would be easier, but as we all know
life isn't easy!! I know the Forum helps each one of us in different ways, and I hope that we can all share if need be on a daily basis for
some, because the more encouragement we get we can get through another day!
Some of us are busier than others, and some of us aren't there yet, because we're still getting over a hospitalization or still finding the
right meds or even just finding out that they have BPD.
Stick in there with us LFH we need You!!
Yocheved
 
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ImaBP
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12/25/05 7:29 AM
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Atara, Wish I could help you there, but I'm sure there are many in New York. I live in Israel. Only lived in New York for 4 months
before I moved on to CAlifornia, and then to Israel. I've been in Manic world for awhile and thank G-d am married and settleld
down with meds that keep me pretty well on the otherside which is a real down for me. I want some excitement!
Learning Hebrew is my challenge now, so that's whats on my agenda and then of course wondering which hobbie to do. Sewing,
art, writing....the list is endless, and I can do everyone, so that is my problem, too much to choose from, like the cereal boxes in the
supermarket.....that's when my head doesn't rest and then it's back to calming with being simple and doing housework and entertaining
my daughter. "It's a joy!!!!
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/26/05 6:48 PM
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ahh, cest' lavis

atara


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lookinforhelp
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12/28/05 4:54 AM
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Thank you ImaBP for your kind words.

I definetely wish I had more time to spend on this site, but B"H when I needed it most, I was able to have access. Now I can check every couple of days, but that is enough for me. It is the most amazing place though, because I can be anonymous. I can actually tell people that I am depressed without having to expose myself... Thank G-d for the internet...

A freilechen Chanukah to all!!
 
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ImaBP
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12/28/05 10:14 AM
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You're welcome LFH, I totally agree. You know being anonymous is good, but you know some of us are really understanding people and we
g!et depressed, even "normal" people get depressed to some degree. My husband is a cheery type fellow, but sometimes he has his down
days.
I'm glad you're willing to share LFH. Freilechen Chanukah to you too! Is this Yiddish? Or do you speak German?
Ima
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/30/05 11:27 AM
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yes, is it "freilichen" or "frelicha"? either way, a good shabbos and a..whatever chanukah to all!

atara


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ImaBP
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12/31/05 1:15 PM
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LFH, How are doing? I'm concerned for you. YOu must've been in a bad place. I just wanted to reach out and know that
you're thought about like all the others.
It seems like at times we have no friends or family that care. When I think about it, who would really care, but that's not
so. We're caught so much in our pain, and at times self-pity which atara put so plainly : ). Sometimes it's hard not too, but
somehow there's an invisible rope that falls down and I grab ahold and pull myself up slowly and this we need to award
ourselves. For we ultimately make the choices.
Okay, hope you all a remainder Happy Chanukah!
Ima
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/1/06 9:38 PM
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life is hard

atara


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Torsalicious613
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p.s. i like the inisible rope thing, ima, very good analygy

atara


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lookinforhelp
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1/9/06 5:47 AM
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Ima,

Thanks again for caring, it makes me feel good to know that somebody out there cares. Very few people know that I am depressed and I am obviously, too embarrassed to tell anyone my secret, and therefore I suffer quietly.

Sometimes I wish my parents knew so that they could help me, but I guess they are cuz they are paying for my therapy now. They just don't know what the therapy is really for.... And my friends, they think my "down days" are just me PMSing or having a hard day. Nobody wants to think of depression, it's a "bad" word. Hush hush in shidduchim especially. Other people tell me that I am just so completely self-centered, and all I ever think about is myself, as I sit in my self-pity 24 hours a day. They just don't get it. It's a sickness. All I need is a little help to get better and then I can be normal like them again. Why does it have to be so hard though? Why so painful...

Ahhhhh...
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/15/06 7:30 PM
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ahh, the beauty of being in a family and having them pay for therapy, but really being "alone". i know it's hard. at times i feel totally misunderstood by my family. it's like i'm from mars and they're all from venus.. even though i'm female, and some of them are males..does this make sense? well it does to me. i'm on jdate and frumster and no one seems interested. am i trying too hard? maybe. am i sick? maybe. am i seeped in self loathing and self pity? perhaps, but i'm the last to say it's my fault. it's just hard. what have i learned? the more you forgive and forget, the easier things go for you. as it turns out, for many people, and at least for me, this is one of the hardest things to do: to let go:..because as you let go, the more you let go, the more you realize you are in control. this is a strange concept, especially for me, and i'm sure for other people too, and i know this. even people who are "normal" and not mentally/emotionally "sick" ("like us"), struggle with it too. so i know it's hard. but in the areas i have let go the most in my life,i am the most on top. strange? perhaps. but it works. letting go works. and as maccaroon fan said, it's unfighting that's the secret. letting things happen and not resisting. ever see harry potter? the first one? i'm not really into it, but remember "devil's snare"? the more you tense up, the more it grabs you. when you release tenson and relinquish control, you fall right through. life is kind of like that: releasing tension and relinquishing control. who knew a stupid kid's novel could bear so much truth to actual life? hmm. goes to show you, not all the goyim are completely off. there is some hope in this world even for us frum (mer, likeme, yet not completely "frum" ) jews who are suffering with mental illness. it's one world. we're all in it together..or should be.

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/15/06 7:33 PM
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guess what i found out? i'm a little allergic to peanuts, i.e. mild asthma symptoms. yeah.

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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ImaBP
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1/16/06 3:55 PM
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Hi LFH- You're welcome. I know exactly how you feel. I just turned 41 and I look back at all the years of no help. You carry the pain within you however
my hospitalizations were "breakdowns" and no one revealed to me that I had an illness.
I now can deal better with it and I accept the fact that it doesn't have to be a shame that I carry. It's not that I publicize it, but there are days I just want
to scream it from the rooftops, lol. ha!ha!
I took Resperidal to help me sleep and I stayed up all night, now I have to wait for the country to allow me to be on other medication while I'm going through
a cycling phase. I'm racing and my sharing is going faster. I write longer and longer and I don't care to sleep.
So, I guess I'm at the place where the meds are not working.
Wer'e here for one another. This is a safe place, and as Atara put it, life is hard. It's not meant to be easy. However we do need to get up off of our self-pity
days, as hard as it is, and I remember one day, when I live in a basement apt. and I cried and screamed while I was painting a ceiling for the owners because
I was going through so much pain. It helped me get through it and the painting gave me an outlet.

I've had set-backs, but it's our determination to continue. Find inspirational things to get going. Be sure to go out everyday and get sunlight. Stay away from
sugars and get some form of exercise even if its a few stretches. Do things you enjoy. Listen to motivational tapes and books, and speak positively.
We can share our moods and how we feel, don't get me wrong, I'm not emphasizing that we go around pretending we're a happy lot, but we do have alot to
be thankful for.

Ernie- I'm proud of you. You are honest of your feelings. I pray that you will continue from strength to strength and that one day you will look upon these
days of growth.
We struggle, but not alone. We do not know, but yet we care. We hope, we empathize and we give of ourselves, what more can I say?
Ima
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/17/06 10:56 PM
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hi everyone! read my posts! kindly please do! i have to go to bed now, i have school tomorrow after a three week break! byre everyone! i have to wake up at 9:00 tomorrow. that's early for me! bye! ttfn!

atara


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lookinforhelp
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1/19/06 3:02 PM
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Two questions to the audience:

1. Why is it that we always blame ourselves for everything that happens in life? Even when we're not to blame?

2. Does low self-esteem cause depression or does is it merely a side-affect of the illness?
 
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ernie55B
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1/19/06 9:15 PM
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Hi LFH!

Really sorry you are feeling so bad lately. If your therapist does not take your thoughts seriously, maybe you should think about a new therapist.

As far as your 2 questions- Not ALL people blame themselves for everything. But people with a low self-esteem usually do.
And low self-esteem is usually a cause of depression, not a side effect.

The idea of therapy is to show you that you are looking at things from an incorrect perspective and hopefully when you realize that your thinking about a certain thing was illogical, your self-esteem will improve.

Hope you feel better over Shabbos,
Ernie
 
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lookinforhelp
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1/21/06 6:20 PM
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Ernie,

B"H I did feel better over Shabbos. I'm really hoping that this week is better than the last one too.

Lots of people have low self-esteem but don't "come down" with depression.

As for therapy... I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. It's been interesting so far.

-LFH
 
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theRabbi
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1/23/06 12:18 AM
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ernie,
thank you for the insight on therapy. I'm taking therapy for bpd for about 7 years and to this day i'm trying to figure out what the point is, but your words are inlightning. make's sense. thank you
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/23/06 11:51 AM
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i agree with you, ernie.

atara


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Me!
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Hi why has nobody responded since last year?!
I've just been diagnosed with bp and need someone to talk to.
anyone have msn messanger? or a phone? hehe
 
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Zehavi
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Atara,

WOW!!! You're a frum woman who could be a plus-size model and you look like Brooke Shields? Where have you been all my life?

I too am bipolar and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and a change in my meds are just what the doctor ordered. I also suggest you read two books: An Unquiet Mind and Night Falls Fast.

I attend the Mood Disorders Support Group (MDSG) at St. Luke's Roosevelt Adult Outpatient Psychiatric Clinic @ 910 Ninth Avenue on Wednesdays and find it effective. Last night I attended and there were two frum people there in addition to me. I also attend the informal Bipolar Meetups every two weeks at the Skylight Diner @ 34th and Ninth. I don't eat anything, but I do drink a Coke... The group is very nice and friendly. I wish there were Jewish frum MDSG groups but I haven't found any. I invite you to attend any of these groups.

May Hashem Bless You Abundantly!

Zehavi
 
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MAZ54
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CAN I HELP WHAT SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT?


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I HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER AND GENERALIZED ANXIETY.
 
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Zehavi
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Why doesn't anyone get together? Are people afraid to attend MDSG meetings or Meetups?

I met three suicide survivors through my MDSG meetings and it helps to hear others talk about their situations.

A frum lady who attends the West Side MDSG meeting told me last night that she has been trying to create interest in MDSG activities in the frum community for the last six years with NO success. She told me that frum people don't want to admit that people in the community have mental illnesses and they feel like it hurts chances of shudduchim... What a crock!

Frum doctors are treating people with bipolar disorder so what's wrong with being involved in activities which are healthy and supportive?

What does anyone else think?

Come one, let's get together and talk about our experiences... or just go out and have coffee...

If people here had these opportunities, the chances of suicide would hopefully decrease.

 
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