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TOPIC TITLE: Bipolar 2- Self Confidence
Created On 4/14/16 2:53 PM
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Lev Ish
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4/14/16 2:53 PM
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Hi- just found this group. Seems like this page is not active- but who knows.
I was diagnosed almost two years ago with Bi polar 2. Basically I had periods of depression for days at a time. And 10 years ago I was diagnosed with depression and took an anti depressant that made me go a little manic- I would say a little hypomanic- doing and saying things I normally wouldn't do-
Anyway, I have been in therapy for almost two years. I'm on medication.

My self confidence is an issue. Hard to describe, basically a feeling of sadness that I am subject to how the wind blows. Whether my mood, how people treat me, etc.
I'm wondering how I could feel more secure and confident in who I am.
Working on it with my therapist, but I am looking for some peer support.

Thanks
Lev Ish


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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keep climbing
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4/14/16 6:05 PM
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Welcome! I think you can read the other pages that are active-basically we're all in the same boat.
Are there areas where you feel more confident? Sometimes you can build on that.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/12/16 9:13 PM
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Hi and welcome Lev Ish.

This site hasn't been active in a long time and many people stopped coming on here as a result.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II a couple of years ago, also after having been depressed on and off for many years. The prevailing sadness is also a big issue for me, and self-esteem has been too, but I'm doing a lot better on that front. Spirituality, and developing a deeper connection with Hashem has helped me loads, but it's still a struggle.
 
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Lev Ish
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5/13/16 8:24 AM
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Hi, wishtobehappy,
You're the first person I have come into contact with who has bi polar 2! I have a similar story, depressed and mood swings for many years until I finally made my way into a shrink's office and starting working on things. I am also much better. I started taking lamictal about 1.5 years ago and added 900 mg lithium daily about 6 months ago. The lithium really helps me slow down my mind from the racing thoughts and the negative ones. It helps me realize the negative thoughts are just thoughts- and I shouldn't pay attention to them. My spiritual path may be different. For so long I think my judaism was a form of self medicating. My wife has mentioned that I get hypomanic over religion. I would take things to the extreme. Now I am learning to love myself first, and appreciate my connection to Hashem through things I enjoy about judaism. It has been quite a journey to say the least and I hope to find some comraderie with these types of things. Too bad this site isn't active. I think its an old school format. Perhaps moving to a private , secret group on facebook would be more productive. Not sure.
Anyway, I wish you best on your journey only good thoughts and positive things!!!!
Lev Ish


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wishtobehappy
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5/13/16 4:25 PM
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Glad you're doing better and the meds are working.

It isn't easy to come by people with bipolar II. I do know one or two, but I'm sure there are many more hiding in the shadows.

The forum is an old school format indeed, but not sure if that's the reason there's been so little traffic lately. One of the users who also had bipolar II started a mental health awareness facebook group about a year ago. She lives in Israel. I never ended up joining the group because I'm not on facebook, but you can check it out if you'd like.

I've tried several meds which only made me feel much worse. In the end I was put on Lamictal too, which helped, but I ended up getting off it due to side effects. I'm very sensitive to drugs in general, and was so fed up, so I ended up looking into alternative options. I've tried numerous things. Nothing was a magic cure, but I found what works for me and have been sticking to it for a few years. It's still very tough at times, but I've realized that I'm tough too and can weather the storm.

Spiritually, I don't think we're that different after all. I've had my ups and downs in Yiddishkeit. I come from an ultra religious background and also used religion to self medicate. When I hit rock bottom it wasn't working for me anymore and I dropped a lot due to pent up resentment and anger from my childhood. It was a very painful time in my life and it affected my marriage greatly. I had to redefine everything and rebuild my foundation, and eventually I was able to develop a healthier and deeper connection to Hashem. I also had to pick and choose because I believe it's important to enjoy Yiddishkeit. Ivdu Es Hashem B'simcha is just as important as many other Mitzvos. At this point, my husband and I have learned to respect each other and get along very well despite our differences.
 
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Lev Ish
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5/15/16 9:00 PM
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I think people may hide because, for myself at least, I struggle a lot with the idea that I really have a problem. I am not sure what to make of that. Sometimes I just think I have a serious self esteem problem. then I wonder about all these meds I'm taking. But then there are times when I feel good and attribute it to all the work I do in therapy and the meds. I'm hoping I can do like you said, weather the storm. In therapy we call it a wave. Just got a ride it and wait to make it to the shore. Its tough when the fatigue from having kids and the barrage of negative take their toll on me. But who knows, maybe I just have low self esteem.
On the other topic, I dropped a lot of Jewish practices I used to do with a strict routine. But I did it for my shalom bayis and my own mental health- to not be so hard on myself. I hope I am in the process of rebuilding the foundation. It feels like it. Just worried that things aren't always how they feel. Healthier and deeper foundation sure sounds good. Serving Hashem through Joy. I see that as a very deep concept, cause each person can only know Hashem for his/herself. My wife and I also are on diff paths. But we have talked about it and seem to be working on good compromises to keep us both happy and the kids healthy. It's also a struggle.
thanks




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wishtobehappy
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5/16/16 8:50 AM
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I hear what you're saying about struggling with the idea that you have a problem and can really relate. I've have the same thoughts very often and although sometimes it's a relief to know that what I'm feeling has a "name," most of the time I consider myself to be a perfectly fine person with very human struggles. I was fortunate to have a great therapist/doctor at some point who has a holistic approach towards mental health and he helped me see myself through a completely different lens.

My understanding at this point is that life (the cosmos) itself is bipolar - meaning, rhythms. Ebb and flow. Day and night. Dark and light etc. It's related to the Kabbalistic concept of tzimtzum and expansion when the world was created. Very often, spiritually sensitive people get affected more and pick up these vibrations very easily, hence the imbalance in moods and emotions. Even more so in times like ours where the world is full of upheaval in every area, it's almost impossible not to be affected, even for those who normally aren't sensitive to these shifts.

Most often there are a few factors at play. People with bipolar (especially II) are usually sensitive to the circadian rhythm (the daily 24 hour cycle of the body). And some things such as stress, lack of sleep, hormones, diet, and food sensitivities, that affects the majority of people in some ways, but they can get away with it, however, in sensitive individuals it has a huge impact and can make the world of a difference. Personally, if my body is slightly out of balance, I often feel low and fatigued, or nervous and jittery to the point of not functioning. There are some foods such as chocolate and dairy that wreak havoc with my moods and it took lots of trial and error to figure it out. Same goes for stress, sleep, and hormonal imbalance.

Some stressors be it physical or emotional are unavoidable and for many of us, medication is necessary in order to function properly. Whatever works and keeps us on an even keel is the way to go.
 
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Lev Ish
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5/16/16 2:27 PM
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Thanks for empathizing. That sounds great to have a therapist with a holistic slant. I my therapist has said that I am more emotional and sensitive to emotions than average, so I like your explanation of being sensitive to the ebb and flow of existence. I can understand the tzimtzum analogy. Its actually a nice positive viewpoint- cause being sensitive has its advantages as well. For sure, stress and lack of sleep are a constant in my life that disrupt my rhythm. Diet is also a factor me but not as much as sleep and stress. It is clear to me and my wife that when I am tired, overworked, stressed, that I get super cranky and irritable to the point of not being able to interact in a positive way. Having positive thoughts and saying positive things- I always thought those were cliches- from working to become stable I have experienced that even a positive thought, all the more so words or actions do have an effect- to the point where I can say those negative thoughts I had before- they aren't real, just nuisances. Thank G-d I have had happy moments with my family where I can say I am truly blessed and can bring those feelings to other aspects of my life like work. I also benefited greatly from ACT videos (acceptance and commitment ) I watched online about accepting the negative thoughts, not trying to fight them, letting them stay quiet in the background , and instead focusing on the positive thoughts that can happen at the same time.
Thank you for the support. Its great to hear what I already knew reinforced and to learn more....


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/16/16 4:40 PM
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Sounds like you have a knowledgeable and understanding therapist. Being more sensitive is really hard but you're right, it does have advantages. Makes you a nicer, more empathetic and caring person in general. I also find that I have heightened intuition because of it and can pick up others emotions and thoughts almost like they're my own. Get overwhelming often. Thinking positive is really, really powerful. Not cliché at all. Though, it's often a huge struggle for me. More often than not I tend go into negative mode by default. I believe positive thoughts and being grateful can change reality on different levels. In addition to making us feel better, it brings more blessings into our lives.

I never heard of ACT, will check it out. It sound similar to DBT which also teaches you acceptance, and to ride the waves without getting sucked into them. Lately I've been looking into the three principals of "Innate Health" which is also along the lines of our thoughts affecting consciousness. Something about our original essence always being connected to the source where there's only joy, peace, etc. and our thoughts getting in the way and distorting our perceptions. By being in the moment we and not attaching particular importance to our thoughts we can reconnect with our essence. Haven't mastered it yet, not by a far shot, but it sounds interesting.

Here's another thing that can boost your self-esteem
People with bipolar tend to be very creative, even gifted, and usually have above average intelligence (as well as emotional intelligence). That's what my therapist at the time made me aware of when I was feeling hopelessly negative and full of self loathing.

Also back to the kabblalistic theme, another concept that's helped me a great deal with self esteem, is that the more light we have (light in Kabbalah stands for goodness, love, joy, knowledge and advanced consciousness, etc.), the more the darkness fights back - the more resistance there is. And every time we fight and succeed in overcoming it, we expand and build our light. This has sometimes comforted me during dark times. I once saw a quote, I think it was from a Chabad website, "When darkness fights back, it means that there is something worth fighting for." It means there's hope.

Mainly we deserve a lot of credit because it's tough.
 
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his8sn
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5/17/16 11:02 AM
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Hi everyone
My husband has recently been diagnosed with bipolar and i can totally see him in the symptoms you describe. It's so nice to have some support. I feel the hardest part for him is that he feels like he's alone in this. and truth to be told, bipolar does have its advantages in addition to the struggles. I was just hoping to hear that with meds and therapy he will one day be okay. That there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day the struggle will be over. But i wonder if that's the case or is it a life long struggle?
 
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Lev Ish
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5/17/16 11:22 AM
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Hi his8sn,
I can only speak for myself. I'm on the other side, since I have bi polar 2. I'm not sure if you know the difference between 1 and 2. 1 has full manic episodes followed by depression. 2 is more of depressive states, with some episodes of less intense mania called hypomania. These are all just terms though- I would think it is diff for everyone. I am new to this board as well.
First of all, I applaud you for coming on here looking for support. It shows me you care about your spouse and want to be there for him. with love, everything is better.
I found out a year and a half ago about. I made slow progressions with therapy and meds. I can tell you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. But it turns from a tunnel, to a wave in the ocean. that has been a main theme with my therapist. I have ups, downs, but the main thing is to ride the wave. I have found that if I do that, I can really appreciate the good things in life and be balanced in a happy, stable way.
So I want to give you support to know that it can be hard, but with the help of professionals, and working in therapy, there is a A LOT of hope. The knowledge of professionals is so robust- the knowledge of this disorder is real and studied by doctors. They CAN help. Its just a matter of finding those you trust to help you go in the right direction.
I hope you can find solace in those words and can see that people with this disorder can live healthy,happy, and meaningful lives.


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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Lev Ish
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5/17/16 11:27 AM
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Thanks so much- This is the first time I reached out for peer support. You are awesome! It's different when it comes from a peer to know that there are others like me in this. Not just a Doc helping.
I hope can all continue to help each other.


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his8sn
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5/17/16 11:54 AM
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thank you so much for your support it is so appreciated. I can't speak for anyone but ill admit it's precisely the bipolar that makes our marriage so wonderful but as i said it does have its downsides. I'm not sure what you meant by waves though, actually that's the state he is in, constantly struggling not to fall into full blown episodes. will it constantly be a struggle or will things stabilize and just start flowing?
 
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his8sn
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5/17/16 11:59 AM
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just wanted to add-my husband also has bipolar ll
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/17/16 12:16 PM
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Hi his8sn!

I'll echo what lev ish said. You sound like a great wife.

To answer your question, it's a different reality for every individual. For many it's a constant struggle in the beginning, but eventually things settle down and you fall into a predictable routine. Once you learn how to deal with the ups and downs they become a lot less threatening and interferes less with daily life, but it's often still there in the background. You might have a different experience though.

There's another user with a similar screen name to yours - he has an 'm' instead of the 'n' in yours, who's been on here for years. Just wondering if that's your husband because we've corresponded on the forum at some point. If you don't feel comfortable answering, it's perfectly understandable and okay. Just being curious here We discussed depression and OCD at the time.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/17/16 12:18 PM
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Thanks Lev Ish. You're awesome too Give yourself a thumbs up for being a trouper and fighting in this battle.

 
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Lev Ish
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5/17/16 1:06 PM
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For me the wave means, hangin on till its smooth sailing again. Not sure its a perfect metaphor from actual surfing....But when things are tough for me, like if the negative feelings feel like a big wave about to crash on me, I try to re-arrange my thoughts and say to myself: this is going to pass. I have had real good moments, with my family, succeeding at work, etc. and those are going to return. I am just going through a wave right now. I'm going to ride it the best I can and not fall off the board. It will pass and then I will be back to smooth surfing again. That along with deep breaths and re-directing to positive thoughts, actions, make the the wave pass.

I want to add that these techniques became really helpful for me after I started taking a medication about 7 months ago that helped quiet down the negative racing thoughts to the point where I could settle down a bit. At a certain point, the thoughts I had were quite crippling . I think I have come to the realization now that all negative thoughts are from the unholy side. As human beings, that side is a part of us. I guess it's supposed to make us grow, by fighting it and getting to a higher place.

If you want to you can google ACT videos, acceptance, committment therapy videos. I found it extremely helpful to recognize the enemy- I always would try to get rid of my negative thoughts. And get frustrated when I just couldn't. These videos helped me realize that I can get them to quiet down and sit at the back of the bus. I can never throw them off the bus, but I don't have to let them ruin the ride. I can get them to talk more quiet, move to the back of the bus, and let myself enjoy the ride, even though there is a small hum in the background. Getting rid of them is a battle not to be won.

This is the first time in 1.5 years that I have found some peer support. I find it very helpful so far and I guess I am being a little cathartic at the same time. Its great to know that I am not alone and that we all fight the same struggle, each in our own way.




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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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his8sn
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5/17/16 1:13 PM
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yes-same here, been in this for almost 2yrs. but was misdiagnosed in the begining.
I must say he wasn't so bad to begin with, He just gets frustrated as to why he needs to take the medication if it's not helping him get rid of the waves. I'm starting to think that maybe it's just a perfectionist issue. He wants things to run smoothly ALWAYS. I'm afraid that's not going to happen. He's dealing with the emotions and can handle it but wants to get rid of it completely.
 
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his8sn
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5/17/16 1:22 PM
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no-it's not my husband. Actually i don't know why i chose this user name. I think it was the first one i saw and it matches my initials somehow
 
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his8sn
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and by the way, I thank you all so much for your support. It's been so difficult keeping it all in to myself and pretending everything is perfect. Everyone around me is always busy on what a wonderful husband i have, and he really is wonderful but it was just so hard when things were tough to smile and not tell anybody the dark secrets. It's a real support to be able to air it out for a change
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/17/16 7:50 PM
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That's interesting, his8sn, because your usernames are both unusual, but so similar. I guess, as they say, great minds think alike

You sound like an amazing wife. Spouses are usually the ones who get affected the most, and even though everyone around you thinks your husband is wonderful, and I'm sure he is, that still doesn't negate the fact that you have it hard. It's an inevitable outcome. My poor husband has had his own share of it, and I honestly think he deserves loads of credit for putting up with me over the years. It hasn't been easy. As for your husband getting frustrated, there's no perfect pill. All meds can do is lighten the burden and take the edge off. The rest is hard work. It does get easier over time.

I was misdiagnosed for years, because I also had an eating disorder at the time, and then diagnosed with bipolar 2 about 4 years ago. At first the interminable lows were unbearable, and the highs would leave me utterly drained after only a day or two. I'm sensitive to meds (confirmed it with genetic testing as well), and they didn't do enough for me to be worth dealing with the side effects I was having, so with the support of my psychiatrist I ended up braving the storm drug free. I processed lots of emotional baggage from childhood, which contributed to the lows, and that lightened it a little, and I tried balancing my out of whack hormones and sleep cycles with acupuncture and other holistic approaches. That helped a lot, but the rest is still a very big struggle, and I doubt I'll be perfect anytime soon. I do hope to conquer it at some point. At least before I hit old age. Would hate for my grandkids to hear me grumble so often

I like the surfing metaphor, Lev Ish. It's the story of our lives. I also like what you pointed out about the negative thoughts coming from the unholy side. They're sure sneaky.


Edited: 5/17/16 at 7:55 PM by wishtobehappy
 
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his8sn
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5/18/16 9:06 AM
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thanks-You really deserve a lot of credit for your struggles.
and by the way, i actually saw this username his8sm and liked it because it matched my initials with the n so that's why i chose it. Pretty unlikely otherwise
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/18/16 9:20 AM
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Thanks! I think we all do.
 
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his8sn
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and I'll just add that we all have our struggles. It's hard to feel like you're the only one struggling ,but the truth is that everyone has their hardships in life. whether it's mental illness, physical, financial etc nobody makes it though on easy street. The point is to recognize that it all comes from Hashem and we need to grow from it. It was eye opening to me when i realized that. Things might look perfect on the outside when there is really so much pain there. The hardest part about ikvasa d'mshicha is that we feel alone in our struggles, when we recognize we're not alone it makes everything all the more bearable.
 
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Lev Ish
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5/18/16 9:42 AM
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That is great to hear. I can't get tired of hearing that point. I attended a parenting lecture last night about anxiety. He said that if schools would have as their #1 goal, creating a sense of community and caring for each other, than academics will improve. People need learning connected to character and morality. So if we all care for each other and realize we all have issues and support each other, we would all be better off.


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/18/16 9:48 AM
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You're both so right.

We live in tough times and it takes superhuman efforts to hold on. I wish everyone would just be real and do away with the facades. Life would be so much easier to deal with.
 
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his8sn
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5/18/16 10:14 AM
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it would've been wonderful if everyone would've been more real but i guess this is the nisoyan of this generation. i've once read somewhere(sorry don't remember who said it) that before mashiach will come hashem will be having yichud with every Yid. and that's exactly what's happening. We're all struggling in solitude. It's wonderful though that we have this forum to support each others.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/18/16 12:35 PM
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It's interesting that you mention it, because I've been reading books written by Rabbi Ezriel Tauber recently and he mentions the Yichud concept over and over. His books helped me clarify a lot of confusion.
 
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his8sn
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5/23/16 11:24 AM
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can anybody help me out? When my husband has his depressive episodes, his self confidence is below nil, (feels he's not worth anything, not getting anywhere in life, life's not worth living etc.) how am i to respond? I find myself stuck in such situations not knowing what to say. I usually try telling him how much i love him and respect him and it does help but somewhat, but it makes me feel that way afterwards. Also when he goes about bashing on everyone .everyone's crazy, horrible what do i say? i'm sometimes at loss as to what he wants to hear, Any guidance?
 
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Lev Ish
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5/23/16 11:27 AM
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I dont mean to judge- just asking- is he on meds? therapy? I remember going on rants about things and my wife hating it- Love and support and good- I felt medication gave me the ability to sort through the clouds and try my best to gravitate towards the light


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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his8sn
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5/23/16 11:32 AM
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he's on medicationl- therapy only here and there,
Meds did help but i am at loss sometimes as to my role. I'm unsure as to what he wants to hear.
Sometimes i agree and then he backs off but then sometimes it makes matters worse. Same is with any approach i use, i try pointing out all the positives in our lives bh and again, sometimes it helps and sometimes he gets annoyed from me


Edited: 5/23/16 at 11:39 AM by his8sn
 
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Lev Ish
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5/23/16 11:41 AM
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I can only speak from my experience- My marriage went through a very hard time. It is only through medications AND therapy that I was able to save it. BH I got to a place where I realized that my family was the most important thing in my life and I had to do anything I could to get my moods and behavior under control so my family life was balanced. Its a day to day process. It didn't happen overnight. My wife held strong. While she was supportive of me when I was performing well as a good husband, father, she was also tough when I made wrong decisions. I think part of my recovery process was realizing that if I didn't get this right, we were G-d forbid going to split up the family. In the end that was too much for me to bear and I took the advice of my Doctor and started taking a new medication. BH, I did. I mean who knows what would have happened if I kept the course and kept learning from my mistakes naturally. But, I think the meds really helped me get a solid footing and move towards the self I wanted to be.

This is what happened to us, I am not saying this applies to you.
I am surprised that the medication is not coupled with therapy. I don't think that is a good idea. Is it a monetary issue?


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his8sn
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5/23/16 11:53 AM
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i wouldn't say so, his therapist feels therapy is not needed on regular basis, He's a believer in having you learn to go on your own without being dependent on therapy.
Don't forget this was a pretty mild case, (or caught in beginning stages) i've been witness to others with so called' emotionally healthy' spouses being much worse. I guess i just reached a stage now where i'm sick of struggling. I want things to just be perfect. perhaps that's part of the process, for me to accept that things are not and won't ever be perfect.
was just wondering as what he expects from me, i don't know what to respond when he has emotional outbursts
 
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keep climbing
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5/23/16 6:08 PM
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Maybe sometimes it would help to distract. That's my motto-discuss and distract.
Going for a walk, eat out, a garden..... can calm my mind better than words sometimes.
I also think that therapy would help.
Hatzlacha!
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/25/16 7:23 PM
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I don't have much to add. The advice given sounds really good. Personally, my husband has learned not to get caught up in my negativity when I'm on a roll. Sometimes it annoys me to no end, but mostly it's helpful, because before he learned to let it go, we used to argue nonstop when I'd have emotional outbursts. At this point, I'm a lot more even keeled, and we've gotten into the routine of him not reacting, and me apologizing for my outburst. For me, feeling loved also works wonders to calm me down. It often melts all my resistance.

Feeling really down after a hard day of work. The low self-esteem theme is really hitting home for me today. I work with these accomplished, driven women who are able to pull off impressive projects, while I feel like drowning at the slightest hint of stress. On an intellectual level, I know that they don't have to put up with a quarter of the emotional struggles I face daily, so on good days I give myself credit for that, because I can feel that Hashem knows the truth. But today I couldn't resist comparing myself to them and everyone else for some reason, and just felt really about it. Got criticized too, but when I feel good, I respond well to criticism and can shake it off easily. Today I overreacted, and beat myself up over every little mistake I made afterwards. In addition, I also missed my exit and took a wrong turn on the way home, and got lost in a bad neighborhood, which threw me into a panic. So I made it home in one piece, but close to tears. Now I am trying really hard not to get dragged into a cycle of negativity.
 
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Lev Ish
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5/25/16 8:07 PM
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Hi Wish,
Sorry you had a not good day. Same here. The past couple of days have been hard to say the least. The one thing I can say is that since I started chatting here, I see you as a warrior, someone who is facing the struggles head on with a balanced approach that has worked thus far. I don't want to sound cliche, but maybe now is the time to think of how far you have come. A little set back once is normal and expected. I think you have reserves to fall back on. I think you mentioned before the good aspects of the mood disorder. The ability to be more sensitive and in tune with other peoples emotions. Also, perhaps look at the things in your life that are pure good. I think you mentioned you have a family. I always try to be grateful that I have a wife and children. I am sure there are more stores of positive thoughts and feelings that you can try to focus on now.
I used to do a lot of DBT drills. Like , take a look at the situation you are in now. In the grand scheme of things what does it look like? What do you think this incident will mean to you 6 months from now. What would a fly on the wall say about all this? The points here are to take out your subjective views at the moment at look at it in a objective way. I think there is much more good than not good here and that can serve as a stabilizer and restarting point.

I hope that gives you some support. From the posts you have posted here I have gotten support. Its ok to have a down tick. It happens to all of us. What matters most is that you have stores of positivity to fall back on and re-calibrate.

These past few days have been tough for me too. Monday afternoon I started feeling nauseus with a headache. I came home and instead of being helpful with the kids I was snapping at them at every word out of my mouth. I had no positivity left. My wife finally said do you want to go lie down. Fine that was good. I wound up being up most of the night with fever and stomach pains. Ok, people get sick. But, Thank G-d I don't get sick too often. When I do, it rocks me. So here go my thoughts that would always pop up when I was down. I am a black cloud, I have no positive energy. My wife is gonna hate me now. I am an awful father. And more...this is all a result of my lifestyle, not eating properly, I'm overweight, I work too much, the kids are too much of stress. And the kicker...how the heck did I choose this lifestyle to be working 60 hours a week, have no money to pay for tuition , living in an old house that is a rental (we are actually almost buying a small house soon, BH,) and had 4 kids in 6 years. The lifestyle seems just not manageable. I cant do it. I give up.
But I try to look at the upside. My kids are unbelievably cute. I mean beyond cute. just amazing. The words they speak and things they do are just so cool sometimes. They are mine. What a blessing. And my wife is such a special woman. She is creative, a trooper, doesn't give up, has stuck through this illness with me. And I have parents alive who love me. I am able to go from day to day and wake up and see the world.
So it goes back and forth.
I am feeling better today. Still not 100%, but hopefully soon. So I just keep on going. I hope that they positive thoughts can pull me through and I get back to my positive, helpful, upbeat person I can be. A lot has to do with lack of sleep. but what can I do. I can think positive and know that there are REAL good things in my life. The rest are just obstacles to get me to higher place at the best case scenario and the worse case, they are just false nuisances, little bugs that can be shooed away.

I am happy that you shared your hard experience. I think that is where the support is the most helpful.
Thanks and hang in there.
Lev Ish


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/25/16 8:39 PM
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Thanks for the support Lev Ish! Means a lot.

You're right about looking at how far I've come. Thanks for pointing that out. Somehow, it's so easy to forget. Not so long ago, I wasn't even capable of holding down a job. Every time I'd venture into the 'real world' I'd feel like I was going under. Can't imagine how you work 60 hours a week. Doesn't leave you with much breathing room. Just thinking about it makes me feel overwhelmed. I only work part time most weeks and that's more than I can handle. And, four kids in six years is hard even for someone who doesn't struggle the way you do. I only have two, and even that overwhelms me often. Can't imagine dealing with four. Your wife sounds special.

Hope you feel 100 percent better soon. I was also sick this week. Stomachache and nausea. Was doubled over in pain Sunday and Monday. It was probably stress induced because there was a lot of family drama going on. I try not to get too involved in the mess, but it's sometimes unavoidable, and I just end up internalizing it. It's Chodesh Iyar, which has special healing powers, so I Daven for a complete Refuah in all areas. Will have everyone in mind.

Thanks again for your insights.
 
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his8sn
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5/26/16 9:20 AM
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Wow! I am amazed at you guys. You're really struggling and it's amazing that you don't give up. Reading about your struggles just makes me aware of how my husband must feel and easier to understand him. I guess the point is to always keep in mind that gam ze yavor, every cloud has a silver lining and this negativity is only temporary. I'm sure Hashem has much nachas of his children who try serving him even is such weak emotional state.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/26/16 10:00 AM
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Thanks for your kind words his8sn! It's really special the way you try to understand your husband.

Cried to my Rabbi last night, which helped. He's super nice. Still feeling low and overly sensitive this morning, probably also hormonal, but as you said, Gam Zeh Yaavor. I actually always wear a ring that has Gam Zeh Yaavor inscribed on it. Great reminder.

Need to buckle down and focus on work here.

 
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wishtobehappy
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5/26/16 10:02 AM
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Btw, does any of you have experience with lithium orotate? It's a natural form of lithium, supposedly without the side effects. Was once suggested by my psychiatrist, and I was thinking of trying it.
 
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Lev Ish
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5/26/16 10:05 AM
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I saw a wikipedia article about it just now. I have seen Dr. Richard Louis Price offer answers on this site. I am not sure how you ask him directly. I am most certain he could give you an answer.


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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Lev Ish
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5/26/16 10:07 AM
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That is so sweet . I really appreciate your empathy and words of chizuk.


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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his8sn
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5/26/16 10:21 AM
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wishtobehappy. just wanted to add that i believe it only makes it harder looking at all these driven accomplished woman. Just know that you never know what goes on behind the scenes. I am one of those 'driven accomplished' ones. I actually know that there are some looking on with envy. If only people would know what goes on behind the facade of success. SUCCESS DOES NOT BRING HAPPINESS. I can say that from my personal experience. I am actually a very successful person with happiness still eluding me
 
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Lev Ish
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5/26/16 10:37 AM
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wishtobehappy,
Ask Dr. Price here about your lithium supplement question
http://www.frumsupport.com/forums/categories.cfm?FTVAR_SUBCAT=102&catid=274&subcatname=Mental%20Health
its the section on here titled ask the psychiatrist


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Worry in man's heart, speak it out- Mishlei
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/26/16 10:47 AM
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Thanks so much Lev Ish. Dr. Price was actually the psychiatrist who suggested it at the time. He's an amazing person. He told me many other things I could try, and I did try a lot, but I didn't get around to this one, so was wondering if anyone had personal experience. He is a big believer in inositol, which helped me for a while, but wore off eventually.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/26/16 10:52 AM
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His8sn, you're so right, and I know that success doesn't bring happiness. When I compare myself to them, it's not the happiness level I'm looking at, nor is it envy (I'm not a jealous person b"H). it's more to do with the fact that I feel judged (which is mostly self-judgment). I deal with lots of anxiety and get overwhelmed very easily, and it's really hard when people don't get it and think I'm just plain incompetent. I wouldn't want to compromise my privacy, and even if I did, it wouldn't help. Most people just don't understand it. Not that I blame them. I have a hard time understanding myself sometimes.
 
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his8sn
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5/26/16 11:06 AM
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you're so right. I wouldn't suggest you to share it, Since unfortunately people don't understand( it took me a long time to reach the level of acceptance) and honestly i feel that in every nisoyen that's the hardest part. Dealing with society being judgmental. I guess everyone goes through this at one point in life so at least i will try not to be judgmental of others.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/26/16 4:43 PM
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I do sometimes share with people I sense will understand. It gets very lonely otherwise. I've been very open about my struggles whenever necessary. At work it's hard, though. Wouldn't disclose personal info for obvious reasons. I did share with two former employers, but only after I left the job.

You're right about facades. I've come across many of those. Often, when I'm being real with others, their facade crumbles, and I'm surprised by what's behind it. We humans are judgmental beings. Guess part of what we're here for is to learn to accept others. Honestly, if I hadn't gone through what I did, I would have been just as judgmental. I've worked a lot on acceptance too, and learned that I can't change the world, only myself. One day at a time.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/26/16 4:55 PM
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Someone sent me a link to an article that discusses the genetic basis of bipolar, and why there are so many variations. I found it interesting because I find that each one of us experiences it differently. Of course the differences in nurture also play a big role, but apparently the combination of the different genes play a big role in the uniqueness of the symptoms. Here's the link if anyone is interested: http://psycheducation.org/the-biologic-basis-of-bipolar-disorder/chapter-1-the-genetic-basis-of-bipolar-disorder/
 
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