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TOPIC TITLE: depression and suicidal thoughts
Created On 3/31/05 8:11 PM
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pealegesh
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Posts: 52
Joined: Mar 2005

3/31/05 8:11 PM
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Hello, I live alone in an apartment that I am alone most of the day each and everyday. Right now, I am in a major depression. I have NO family, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins. I lost my virginity as a result of my being with my rebbe and his wife. I am a type 2 uncontrolled Diabetic, I suffered my third (TIA) two weeks ago. I lost my parents within 16 days of each other and they too were sick for over 15 years and I am the only child. Because of a behind the back minor comment about me and my religion and my work, I left the hospital where I was for over 20 years. I have tried to kill myself before, and I have the scars on my wrist to prove it. Now I have problems with eating and sleeping and bedwetting, getting headaches, having blood suger approximately 500-800 per day. I cry alot, because that I am an orthodox Jewish male, in my so called family on my mother side, if there is a simchas I am NEVER invited, but if someone dies, I am the FIRST to get called. I have tried to hang myself, slit my wrist, step in front of traffic, overdosed, I have been abused, mentally, physically and worst than that. I just want to tell the people and if you want to let it out like I just did then please do so. I am even going to have the sedar at my home, because people are HAPPY and I am SAD. I have NO wife or children. So this is me. Thank you
 
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The Power Of Prayer
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4/1/05 12:21 AM
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I just read your message above, and I don't know if I have the right words to adequately describe what I feel in regard to your situation. You have definitely been through a lot in your life, and it makes me think about my own challenges. There are times when I think that I am the only one who suffers and goes through so many painful experiences throughout my life. However, I'm beginning to see that my challenges are not as difficult as I imagined. The truth is that we cannot compare one person's struggles to someone else. We are all given different challenges throughout our lives. The goal is to reach out to others and find some form of support because the best medicine in the world is to know that you are not in this world all alone.

Unfortunately, when I was growing up, I had a very difficult childhood and suffered in ways I could never explain. Nobody could understand what I had to go through because they were not "living in my shoes". I faced an inner battle, and it left me feeling so alone and so helpless. If I ever had to go back and relive my childhood, it would be the most painful thing I could ever have to endure. Things are much better for me now (in many ways) since the deep pain and suffering of my youth. Truth is that I really did not have a childhood at all. I spent my life going to doctors. I went on one medication to the next trying desperately to find something that would work. The funny thing is that I'm not really all that certain that medication can really change things for the better. Sometimes, it can, but not always. There are times it can make things worse with side effects. Also what works for one person will not necessarily work for another.

The advice I would like to offer you is to let you know that you should reach out to other people who can understand you and support you. People who won't look down on you or judge you. This website is wonderful, and I'm glad I stumbled upon it. I actually feel better in a way, now that I can correspond with others who have issues similar to mine. I never had a chance to open up to frum people like this before. I only spoke to non-religious people. Being able to find support in the frum community saves people from wanting to seek help from those outside the jewish community. Many people have gone off the derech because they felt that they were being judged and looked down upon by members of the frum community. Sometimes it seems easier to run away or escape from the pain and leave a world where there is so much judgement and gossip. It is very unfortunate, that we live in a community where there is such a widespread of loshon horah.

There are times when a person thinks about finding someone who will accept them as they are, and they might even think of getting away from the people in their community because they cannot stand to have everyone speak about them. Perhaps it might be better to get out of such a negative environment and go on to be free to live your life where people won't gossip about you or care if you have a certain difficulty as much as the "frum" world does. Unfortunately, in the "frum" world, there is a lot of judgemental people and it seems like everyone is looking for "perfection" which we all know does not exist.

Anyway, getting back to what I mentioned above, I, myself, have thought about what it would be like to be free from all the negative judgements of those in my community. For example, everywhere I go people say to me "Oh my, I never see you. Did you dissappear? Do you exist? I have not seen you in ages....."
Do any of you know what I'm talking about? Does this ever happen to you as well? This isn't even the worst part though because wherever I go people are dissecting me asking me strange questions and acting very judgemental. Often I feel that they treat me like there is something wrong with me or odd about me. Each time another person says to me that they never see me or that I never go any where, etc. I begin to feel like I'm in the twilight zone, seriously!! Do you know what it is like when the entire community, even people who you have no relationship to at all, say these comments to you wherever you go. So, the idea of finding peace and comfort to "run away" from this life is comforting. Knowing that you can leave this negativity and judgemental people who make you feel that there is something terribly wrong with you.

Yes, it is true that I am more interverted in some ways, and I don't always like to go out and mingle in crowds, but I have a very bubbly personality and am very outgoing when I have a one on one relationship. I just happen to dislike crowds which is why I'd rather not go to certain events. But this doesn't mean that there is something "wrong" with me or for this to cause others to criticize and look down upon me. See, this is what I mean about the frum community. Everyone has to know everyone else's business. Instead of paying attention to their own lives and taking care of their own family and problems, they would rather spend their time gossiping about everyone around them. This is what annoys me the most! If only they could mind their own business. Why on earth do they have to be so wrapped up with what another person is doing. Many people in the frum community expect everyone to be "perfect" and if someone is known to have any kind of difficulty, they are immediately looked down upon and judged as having a lower status in society.

I would like to discuss further the issues that I mentioned in this letter. Especially, the issue of being in a community where everyone has to know your business and you are not free to do as you wish, no matter what it is. After all, it is a free country, and we should not be afraid to be who we are and be proud to stand up for ourselves. Nobody has the right to make you feel bad about yourself or to doubt who you are as a person. This is what verbal abuse can do to a person. It can tear you apart and destroy your self-esteem. I am going to end here, but before I do, I would like to ask everyone on this website who reads this to express their opinion on how we as a group can come together as a team and change the way things are in society. What I am referring to is for us to make a difference. To stand up and fight for the life that we want to have. We can't let other people attack us or make us feel like there is something wrong with us. It's time to make a change! I'm not going to let people say stupid comments to me and make me doubt myself and feel like I'm some kind of "alien" from another planet OY!

Anyway, I'm so glad we can all come together on this site and reach out to each other. I know that things will get better for all of us. I am willing to help anyone who needs support or advice. I've been through a lot in my life, and I have gained a lot of strength. One more thing, as far as all the singles out there struggling to find their bashert, it might seem difficult with all the challenges we face, but just keep in mind that EVERY single human being has challenges in life. So, stop feeling inferior to those around you. They are just as mixed up as you are if not more so. Sorry, bad joke! Didn't mean it seriously just in a joking way LOL But seriously, I was thinking about all the singles who are currently struggling with shidduchim, and I feel very strongly that something has to be done to help this situation. I personally know how it feels as I am 28, female, and searching for my soulmate. At times, I worry that I might never find the right guy to share my life with as I'm sure there are others who feel the same. This is why I would like everyone to think about putting together a plan to bring singles together.

Due to the fact that we face these specific challenges, it would help if we could find someone who won't judge us, but only look for the good and be able to listen to our struggles with care and concern. I think that it just might be successful if we put together a website for singles not just those with these types of issues, but all singles. Although, if we did have people who have certain challenges together with those who do not have a "known" difficulty, it might be better that way. This will protect us and help us not feel like we are all a bunch of "aliens"
But seriously, if anyone wants to try and work on this together and see if we can get something started, let me know.
All my best!
The Power Of Prayer

Keep praying everyone!!!!
 
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pealegesh
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Posts: 52
Joined: Mar 2005

4/1/05 7:54 AM
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To Power of Prayer. I want to thank you for taking the time to write to me. I can understand with trying one medication and then going to another. I have a therapist, but she is leaving and I had her for four years and she has expressed feelings for me and this is new for me. I have never been on a date and that is because of my childhood. You I was "damaged" as a child. I met a chavrusa on the internet, but he had other intentions, so, you take care and yes I am still in the depression and yes I have been in a psychiatric and even in the hospital I tried to kill myself also. Each time I tried to kill myself, I failed. So Thank you again, and now, it is inside of me. All the anger, hate, so thank you and have a nice day and Kol Tov.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

4/5/05 2:32 AM
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Dear Pealegesh,
I am glad you are reaching out and posting here. You spoke about several psychiatric experiences, but I wonder if you were ever properly diagnosed and treated. Given the few things you shared on this board, I wonder if you have been evaluated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In my experience, many people who experience the kind of depression and anxiety you expressed actually have PTSD, but doctors often do not ask the right questions to get to the bottem of the problem, and many patients feel too ashamed to volunteer the information. I feel that PTSD is one of the most underdiagnosed epidemics in the mental health field, especially in the frum world, where there is a "don't ask-don't tell" silent agreement. There is hope and treatment for depression, anxiety and PTSD. Please feel free to contact me further publically or privately.
A Lynn
 
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