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TOPIC TITLE: suicide and the Jewish community
Created On 4/8/05 12:00 AM
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pealegesh
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4/8/05 12:00 AM
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TextGood morning and how is everyone here on this site. I am a person who has tried to kill himself before and failed each time. I have planned to eat the sedar home alone in my apartment. I am an orthodox male who has these thoughts and yes I am seeing someone but, she is leaving and so did my parents in the matter of 16 days. I have Deression, Epilepsy, Diabetes, and other serious illnesses. I just want to hear from others who are in or have been in this situation whether it is now or before. Thanks
 
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Recovering
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4/8/05 12:59 AM
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I feel for you pealegesh. I have never actually attempted suicide but I've thought about it once in a while. I'm so sorry you're going through all this pain, I know how heartrenching it is to be depressed. It's so strong of you to be reaching out, and sharing your pain with others. That's an amazing thing.

Is there somewhere you can go for the seder? It's so much better to be around people during yom tov. Is there a Hachnosas Orchim program at your shul that can place you somewhere? Eating the seder alone is enough to make anyone feel bad. Do something good for yourself. Do you have structure for your day? I should talk, it's almost 1 AM here.... nobody's perfect! Do you eat right? Exercise?

I was very depressed until quite recently. Verbally abusive mother.... Well, not really. That's not fair, to say she was verbally abusive. I was just a VERY sensitive kid, the littlest negativity would throw me off completely. She tried her best, bkut I was too sensitive..... I wanted my life to end, the pain to end, SO badly. Then I found out about EFT... it's the most amazing tool I've ever found... It mamish neutralized so many negative emotions and thoughts. I use it all the time now, whenever I have an upsetting emotion. It's unbelievably helpful, and it helps with physical illnesses, too. I'm training to be an EFT therapist so I can help other people who are struggling, because I see how effective it can be.

Pealegesh, check it out at emofree.com. If you want to talk to me about it privately, please send me a private message through the lock thingy on this post. I would love to talk with you about it and help you out.

Remember, we're all here for you, hang in there and know that Hashem loves you always, even and especially when you can't feel it....


-------------------------
-"On the ladder of life, it matters not what rung you are on, but only how many you have climbed."

-"Love Thyself!"

Edited: 4/22/05 at 1:42 AM by Recovering
 
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pealegesh
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4/8/05 5:22 AM
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TextGood morning and thank you for your kinds words of wisdom. I have spoken this morning to a Rav is Israel concerning the Sedars and he also asked me if I could eat at a family and I told him that I don't have any family at all and when I go to a meal for a Shabbos meal whether it's Friday or Shabbos, I tend to walk out crying. So thank you and I am in a major depression and have been crying alot lately and my sleeping and eating have been very poor. I have not been paid in my job for over 3 months and I work for a major hospital.
 
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lookinforhelp
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4/9/05 3:48 PM
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Pealegesh,

I'm so sorry for you. I wish you weren't hurting so much.

Have you gone for therapy? Are you on meds?

Feel good~
 
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pealegesh
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4/9/05 8:16 PM
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TextGood evening and thank you for your input and insight. I am planning to celebrate my two sedars home alone. I am not doing all that great. I have told people where I live and where I daven that I am doing fine, but in reality, I am lossing two much wait, I am not taking the medication, my therapist is leavigng me, I cry alot, I have numerous illnesses that can kill me. I have tried to end life more than once and each time I have failed. I live alone. I work for a hospital that has not paid me in three months. So thank you again and I hope to speak to you again either during the week or maybe even tonight.
 
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motcha
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4/9/05 9:52 PM
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Dear pealegesh,
I wish I knew what to say. I feel so bad to hear what you are going through.
Is there anyone you can go to for the sedorim? There must be someone who would host you. No?
Wishing you health,
motcha
 
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Ray
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4/9/05 10:18 PM
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Dear pealegesh,

I'm so sorry u feel so alone, i'm happy u found this site to and joined us!!
Maybe if u speak to someone in shul and ask them if u can join for a seder, or at least part of it they would love it, c'mon try it.
Don't stay home alone.
I wish I had something to cheer u up with.
How was ur shabbos?

Sincerely,
Ray

remember we are all here for you.

 
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pealegesh
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4/10/05 2:53 AM
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Good morning and thank you for your help with me. Since I have lost my parents, going to a sedar is very hard. They are not at my side, and I am going to a family that does not know who I am and only knows that I am going to them, just for the sedar. I don't want to bother or burden another family with my problems. Thank you again and I hope you have a pleasant day.
 
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pealegesh
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4/10/05 2:57 AM
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Good morning and thank you for trying to help me out. As for the two sedars, I have asked two rabbis that I know and asked them if it is possible to have a sedar home alone and they said yes. I am a person who is very sick and can die from any of my illnesses that I have. I would like to consider you a new friend to talk to if you would allow me. Until then you have a pleasant day.
 
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Ray
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4/10/05 1:57 PM
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Dear pealegesh,

Hi! Good Afternoon and gutten chodesh!!
Are u talking to me when you say u would like to consider me as a friend? if yes that would be great!!

u can private message me if u wish !

Sincerely,
Ray
Have a great day!!
 
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Recovering
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4/10/05 3:13 PM
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Pealegesh,
I don't know if you're talking to Ray, or motcha, or lookinforhelp, or me, but I think I speak for everyone when I say we would ALL like to be your friend, and we're all here for you. We feel for you, we know your pain. We care about you!


-------------------------
-"On the ladder of life, it matters not what rung you are on, but only how many you have climbed."

-"Love Thyself!"
 
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pealegesh
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4/11/05 12:05 AM
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Good morning Ray: Yes I would like to think of you as a friend, but I am just letting youi know that at anytime, G-D forbid that I can enter the hospital. As for the two sedars at this time, I am planning to stay at home. By the way, what state are you from Ray. Thank you for being my new friend. take care and have a nice day.
 
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pealegesh
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4/11/05 12:10 AM
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TextGood morning and I would love to have you and Ray and Mocha as well as yourself someone who I can talk to or just chat. I will give you an example, I only went out today, ONCE. I have families asking me to come to a sedar, but I told them, that I am making them use monies that they need for their emergencies, and it should not be for me. I cry too much, and even though that they are not here, still I took care of them for 15 years as an only child. So again thank you for allowing me to be a part of your friendship. Take care and have a nice day.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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4/11/05 2:13 AM
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Pealegesh,
It is obvious that you have so many wonderful qualities- loyalty, sensitivity, kindness, strength, just to name a few. We are all here for you. Has your therapist recommended anyone after they leave? Have you considered group therapy, so you can get more connected to other people? Do you also receive medication? Why hasn't your job paid you in so long?
A Lynn
 
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pealegesh
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4/11/05 8:58 AM
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Good morning Dr. No I have not been told who is my replacement. I thank you for the compliments but, you might see it, but I don't. To me, what I want, I can't never have. If possible dr. I see that each time I speak to you or your friends, it gives me more pain talking about what is going on. I know that last night I said that I wanted to have friends like this, but this will not work. You see I have a problem with people leaving me and that includes the therapist and she has made certain expressions that is also not good and being that I am an orthodox Jewish male and she is my therapist and also Jewish gets very complicated. So thank you and you have a nice day.
 
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Ray
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4/11/05 11:19 AM
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Pealegesh,

Good Morning, I'm happy you can consider me a friend! I live in NY.
I feel terrible, i wish there was something i can do to help you. I'm always here for you.
I'mgonna write more soon, i'm just at work now.

Sincerely,
Ray
 
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pealegesh
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4/12/05 1:38 AM
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Good morning Ray and to your others friends. I am just chaning my mind and have decided not to unsubsrive and stay on the Frumsupport.com. I have asked my Rav concerning the paycheck and he has told me that the person is playing phone tag and that I should be patient and I told the Rav that I will tell Verizon and Keyspan Energy that I going to give them that person's name to these companies and that he should pay for my bills. I have told my Rav's wife that I have cancelled both of the sedars and for now, I am going to do it alone. As for my therapist, I see her tomorrow, but all she wants to talk about is her leaving me and her relationship with me. She does not even know how bad I have become, as you know I am a Diabetic and yesterday, I drank almost a half a gallon of Grape Juice, just to feel fine. I have an EEG to take this week, I never took one and if you or the others have had one, can you tell me what it is all about and how long does it take. I usually don't go to sleep until around 2AM. I just want to say thank you Ray and your friends and the Psychologist. Again thank you and I wish you a nice day ahead and Kol Tov.
 
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Ray
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Pealegesh,

How are u doing today?
Did u see ur therapist today or it's tomorrow? if it was today how did it go?
Hope u have a good night's sleep. Do u sleep at night?
Do u have a tv so u can keep urself busy?
My father is diabetic too, is there anything i can help with?
Maybe i can find a jewish therapist for you? Do u have health insurance Pealegesh?
Please let me know if there is anything I can help you with.
try and smile, i know it's hard, i have my own issues, different from yours but complicating too.
we are here for u pealegesh.

Sincerely,
Ray
 
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pealegesh
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4/12/05 9:37 PM
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Good evening Ray and thank you for your concern. Yes, I spoke to my therapist and she just spoke about her leaving and her new job waiting for her. I told her that I am fine. I drank 1 quarter of grape juice to sleep. Woke up with a hangover. Maybe I can help you out with your health problems Ray and help out with your father and Diabetes. As for me, I have decided NOT to attend any of the Sedars. I am still out with the rest of the meals as well also. I will let you know and you take care Ray and have a pleasant evening.
 
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pealegesh
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4/12/05 11:48 PM
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Good morning Dr. How are you today. I am just letting you know that yes I am in a major depression and yes I do have these thoughts and yes I do have scars on my wrist from prior attempts and misses. My therapist is only thinking of her leaving me to go to her new job and she is leaving in June. I lied to her and say that I am fine. In me, there is anger, frustrations, pain, suffering, emiotional, physically challenged. I myself can't do the sedars because I don't have my family anymore and I am all alone in the world. I can't sleep so that is why I am typing now this morning. So you take care and have a nice day.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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4/13/05 12:03 AM
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Pealegesh-
Have you tried/are you on medication? Don't give up. You have people here who care and who can relate.
A Lynn
 
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pealegesh
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4/13/05 12:13 AM
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Do you want to know my medication list. Here it goes. Effexor, Stelazine, Benedryl, Plavix, Treleptor, Glucophage, Glucotrol, Avandia, Lipitor, Ecotrin. My first hospitalization was when I was 18 years old. I had parents who were much older that I was and they told each other why was I born and if I was not alive then they would live happier ever after, so I tried to kill myself and ended in the hospital for 6 months for depression, physical abuse, sucidal attempts. I am now in my early 40's and I have tried to end life and I have asked myself why am I here and for what. You see Dr. I don't love myself, so you take care and have a good night.
 
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pealegesh
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4/13/05 9:29 PM
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Good evening Dr. Today is not a good day. I collapsed today because of my very high blood sugar. I took the test that the New York Times had in this morning paper. I took the test to see how depressed I am and after adding all the points, according to them, I am in a major depression. I have been a poor eater for a long time now and have been going to sleep between 2 and 3AM. To my congregants in my shul, I am fine. I leave early in shul, I don't talk to the people, I have been cancelling my meals to the families and you know about Pesach. As I am writing to you, I am sad and crying. The only thing that I am having is the soda, potato chips, crackers. Even my Rav, does not know what is going on and yes I have NOT been paid yet from the hospital which is adding to the depression. I have been walking late out at night. I have left messages with the therapist telling her what is going on and she says that I will get better in time. I have done and yes I know the signs and I have been here before, but at times I say to myself, why am I here. And still no one has answered my question. So thanks and have a good night.
 
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Recovering
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4/14/05 7:42 PM
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Pealegesh,
I am here for you! Even if today you don't feel you can love yourself, just know that Hashem loves you anyway, and all of us here, I mean ALL of us, Ray, Motcha, Lookinforhelp, and myself, and ALL of us here, love you and care for you SO much.

I sent you a private message - take a look.

Take Care!
-Recovering


-------------------------
-"On the ladder of life, it matters not what rung you are on, but only how many you have climbed."

-"Love Thyself!"
 
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pealegesh
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4/14/05 10:17 PM
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Good evening and thank you for your kind words. I don't love myself, and it has always been like this. I know that people tell me that they LOVE ME and it will get better and we are here for you. But at the end, it is only lies and mistruths. I am just playing these people and telling them that I am fine, and I thnk that I am getting tired out of life, there is nothing to go to in my life. I can't never get married, do to my childhood. I have NO family to help or support me. Even now, I tell people that I am going to go to a sedar but, really I am going to stay at home and just lie to the world. All I do now, is sleep and cry and don't bother with the eating and just rely on the computer and the television. So you have a good ngiht and thank you!
 
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Ray
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4/15/05 11:32 AM
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Pealegesh,

We are all here for eachother and to support eachother, we really care, there are no lies here.
it may be hard to see that or understand becuz of the rought time in your life right now, but try to see it.
Try and go out to a park, or somewhere and just relax, don't stay indoors all day. Treat urself to a nice meal somewhere, c'mon u have to u'll be happier! try it.

Hashem puts us here for a reason, it is extremely DIFFICULT to see what it is but try and have a positvie outlook on life.

is there anything u enjoy?
Are u going to a new therapist?? Maybe this new one will be better than the first, how bout that?!

Have a great shabbos, try at least!!

Sincerely,
Ray
 
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pealegesh
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4/15/05 5:33 PM
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Good afternoon Ray. Thank you for your kind words. No I am seeing the same therapist. I wish you a good shabbos.
 
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lookinforhelp
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4/16/05 7:25 PM
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Dear Pealegesh,

I am so sorry to hear you're not doing well. I know it is so hard. We've all been through it. But I guess magically, we are here to tell the story!

I'm sorry I have no words to make you feel better, but I just wanted to let you know that I, along with everyone else here. truly cares for you. You are our brother and we feel for you.

Refua Sheleima!!
 
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Ray
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4/18/05 12:00 PM
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Pealegesh,

How are you today? How was your shabbos/ weekend? Do you feel better when the weather is nice out?
Do you cook, or you buy ready food?
So Pealegesh, when is your therapist leaving? Is she helping you find a new one?

Feel good,
Sincerely,
Ray
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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4/19/05 1:01 AM
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Pealegesh,
I agree with the members on the board. Try to get outside. I would encourage you to participate in a seder with others- either friends or even someplace anonomous like a chabad. Are you able to keep working? Sleep, diet, exercise and having a schedule are so important. I know you feel like letting yourself go and giving up, but I urge you not to. When you get through this, you will be happy you persevered. I, or some of the members on the board can give you a referral to another therapist. Where are you? Email me privately if you wish.
A Lynn
 
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Ray
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4/20/05 3:51 PM
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Pealegesh,

How are u today? How have you been? decided to go to a seder with other people???

Feel good,

Ray
 
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pealegesh
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Good afternoon Ray. I am depressed and lonley and I am still a poor eater and sleeper. I have decided NOT to attend any of the seders. I tried to cope of going to at least one seder, but I can't do it. I took the test given by the New York Times last week on how depressed you are and from of score of high of 27 and I had the score of 24. Thank you and you have a pleasant day.
 
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Ray
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Pealegesh,

I'm so sorry, I wish there was someting i can do to make your situation easier.
Feel Better, try and eat. Maybe you should do some excersize, it's supposed to help! just a little walking or jogging or someting light to help boost your mood.

When will you be speaking to a new therapist??

Ray

have a pleasant day!
 
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pealegesh
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4/20/05 4:13 PM
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I don't know where to begin but by saying that thank you and you have a pleasant day.
 
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Ray
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4/20/05 4:15 PM
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Pealegesh,

Ok, have a pleasant evening, feel better.
how bout you try calling this woman, her name is Chaia Erblich and her number is 718 437-0333. she calls herself a holistic healer,try, see what she can do for you.

 
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Ray
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4/21/05 11:15 PM
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Pealegesh,

I wanted to wish you a good yom tov! I know it's gonna be hard but try and make the best of it.
feel better.

Sincerely,
Ray
 
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pealegesh
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4/28/05 10:46 PM
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Good evening Ray: Since we last emailed to each other, I had walked out on BOTH Seders. In the past two weeks I have lost 16 pounds, and I have started to inducing vomiting, I have been sleeping poorly. I have seen for myself the signs of Depression and the thoughts of suicide. My hospital still have not paid me yet and it has now been almost 5 months since I got any money. My therapist is telling me that she loves and I have begged her to stay and I even asked her that I make love to her after she leaves me as my therapist. This is new to me, of having a relationship for the opposite S-X. I am nervous, shaky, depressed and now I feel that if there is no paycheck then I have to take the next step, because the way the money is dwindling down, I see that this year will be my last. So you take care and have a nice and pleasant evening.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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4/28/05 11:39 PM
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Pealegesh,
Due to your stated suicidal ideation and reported rapid weight loss via vomiting, have you spoken to your therapist about the appropriateness of being hospitalized?
A Lynn
 
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pealegesh
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GOOD AFTERNOON DR.: HOW ARE YOU TODAY. I HAD DECIDED NOT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND TRY TO HANG ON. MY PSYCHIATRIST IS LEAVING IN THE FIRST WEEK OF JUNE, 2005. TWO OF MY GOOD FRIEND'S CHILDREN ARE MOVING TO ISRAEL FOR GOOD. I WALKED OUT OF BOTH OF THE SEDERS. I HAVE LOST 20 POUNDS IN TWO WEEKS AND MY SLEEPING HAS BECOME POOR. I AM DEPRESSED BUT NOT SUICIDAL. MY PSYCHIATRIST TOLD ME TODAY THAT SHE IS LEAVING ME EARLY BY THREE WEEKS. I JUST WANT TO CHAT AND THAT I WHAT I AM ASKING FOR. YOUR SUGGESTION OF HOSPITALIZATION WAS JUST A SUGGESTION. I HOPE PLEASE NOT TO MENTIONED IT AGAIN DR. THANK YOU AND YOU HAVE A NICE AND PLEASANT DAY.
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/12/05 1:34 PM
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what's eft? i'm sorry you're sooo dowwn pegelesh. i wish i had the courage you have. i'm bipolar so i'm up as well as down but it sure as heck can be a roller coaster ride. gtg to class. i don't know if this helps, but i hope it does: FEEL BETTER! hashem should help you and give you strength. suicide can be hard. i felt i wanted to end it too at one point a few years ago. but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it. all good things, as well as bad things, pass (melech dovid said this i think). and someone on this site said very well-- (i don't remember who, i'm sorry!)
the sun is always shining even if you can't see it. gtg feel good

atara


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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