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TOPIC TITLE: SOULinPAIN-how this happened to me-an essay.
Created On 4/19/05 7:13 PM
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SOULinPain
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4/19/05 7:13 PM
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Some of you asked me what have triggered this episode.

Let me give you some details:

First, I was always a sensitive child. For many years, I experienced nightmares and sleep walking. But through my upbringing, I was never seen as a problematic child. On the contrary, I was always a leader and a go-getter.

So it all really started when I got to know what the world was all about; money, respect and power. I finished my schooling with both high honors and felicitations. I even obtained a rabbinical degree (yoreh, yoreh) thinking that my future will be in the rabbinical field.

But then this savage world appeared to me. Coming from a respected family, my home was a simple one. My parents are idealists and intellectuals. To be financially secured was never an objective for my parents. They relied on g-d with complete faith. So I witnessed my parents acquiring tremendous intellectual wealth not for financial gains. Growing up in a large family (over 10 children) made it more difficult. Though we had everything we needed, I was hurt and upset to see my parents, such good people, struggle to educate and bring up the family.

Around the age of 20, I realized that there is a different route. Instead of focusing on ideal goals and intellectual wealth, I decided to enter the world of commerce and dealings. I was sure that by putting all my energy into "making money" (an "American term") and by developing a business mind, I would reach my goals and attain real happiness. I would be able to help my family and live a materialistic lifestyle.

The change was radical; I started by changing my natural feeling about life. I joined a circle of "friends" (at the time, I thought they were friends) that focused only on materialistic goals. I befriended people active in the stock market (some of them made million of dollars) and other financial activities and soon I realized that in order to make money, I will have to become one of them.

Self gratification became of primary goal. I created emotional ties with these new goals. I knew that in order to “make it", I needed to transform myself.

The holy books I embraced through my yeshiva years were put aside. I told myself that one day in the future, I will go back to leaning and study these books. But for now, the agenda of the day was to reach my goals; Becoming the "super power" of my world.

By divine providence I married my wife. The daughter of a well-to-do and respectable family. (I didn't know of family when I first met her). When I found out who she was and who the family was, I was ecstatic. I knew that my new dream was about to unfold. By entering such a family, I would acquire (overnight), fame, respect and formal acceptance in the business world.

There it was; my dreams coming true.

Getting involved in a wealthy family had all the good advantages; wedding, housing, clothing and petty cash was provided in grace and loveliness. Hundred of people attended my wedding from all continents. My new family was nice & pleasant to me. Everything was just going for the best. Just imagine, a luxury car, a nice house, nice clothing, the world around me respected and acknowledged me. I married the rich man’s daughter of the village. A complete dream coming true.

So when everything goes well what happens? Simple, you look for problems, or problems come to you.

The first 6 months of my married life were lived like on a cloud. Then the wheel turned around.

First, I accept the offer from my in-laws to continue my studies and get Yodon-Yodon (a rabbinical degree for Dayanus or Judge in a rabbinical court), while being fully supported my family

But with the lack of structure in the institution (Kollel/school) I attended, in addition to the urge for perusing my business dreams, I started to complain about life. I expressed the need to start working instead of studying.

While I was trying to decide what to do, my wife becomes pregnant. She was due to give birth after the high holidays.

Then the worse happens;

My wife had an abruption (a dangerous condition) the baby was born (premature), my wife survives the surgery, after loosing a lot of blood. The next morning, the head nurse called me to hold my baby to watch her last breath.


At the time, it was a total shock and pain.

My wife needs my help and for the next 7 months I’m strong, I give her the emotional support needed from her husband. I also decide that I need to take “revenge” at life and start a new business.

A couple months later, I realized that my new venture has devastating results. Though I didn’t loose any money, but the thought of failure came to hunt me. I developed a break-down. I suffered panic attacks, anxiety attacks and depression. My physician put me on Paxil and slowly, I learnt to deal with it.

This episode didn’t kill my grandiose dreams. I continued to believe in my ability to become who I wanted to be, with power, money and recognition.

My arrogance and over-confidence builds up. My thinking “to conquer the world” is more present than ever before. I feel the need to achieve something and control my surrounding.

Thank G-d, we are able to conceive and give birth to a healthy baby, albeit with tremendous stress, fear and anxiety. I take on the world of business again. Invest in couple businesses. I am on a mission. The mission is to conquer. To establish a name and a reference. I am intelligent. I pursue all kind of business ventures. Put my heart and soul for this “holy” task. I cultivate political relationships; I enter all kinds of spheres & circles. I get myself into executive positions; I am hired by a fortune 100 company. I get recognition and respect from my clients and peers. But nothing is good enough.

Somehow g-d wants to challenge me further. I fail in every single venture I start, and this time I loose money. Becoming a people pleaser, I let people take advantage of me, and people take advantage of me. I get myself into criminal activities for others (not knowing at the time that anything was illegal). I am blamed for others. My friends introduce me to cannabis. I become s stoner. My value system is taking a beating and everything is permissible.

I let my friends influence me. I find myself in strip bars. Taking massages. Paying for all kind of services. My guilt is building up. I am in a nightmare again. I become less religious. The problem of life continues to hunt me. I try to repent, just to find myself jumping back in the fire of sin again and again.

Ups and downs, afloat and drowning this is the pattern of my life. People are important to me. Helping them is also part of my nature. I cannot see someone suffer. My feelings are sensitive. It’s easy to get me to open up. Am I naïve? Or just the product of lacking worldly experience and understanding?

A confusion disorder and uncertainty settles in. Anxiety is rising, but the mission has to be salvage at all cost. Fighting the enemy is priority number one. And the enemy number one is “I”.

The “I” is the issue at stake. And though a simple issue, it will take years of pain to figure it out.

When I regain some strength, I return to the battle field. I’m on a “high” to complete my life mission. (is this why I was diagnosed with bi-polar?) And the more I push the envelop, the highest the setback is. Am I pushing destiny by trying to alter it? Is the timing wrong for me to reach my goals? I am too ambitious? Too pushy? Too aggressive? Or simply just unfilled or frustrated in realizing my dreams?

By now depression has set it and my ability to function is seriously impaired. Why do I want from life? What is life about? I question the big picture. I question the basis for existence. Not that I want to escape it but I need more insight. More understanding and comprehension (of the structure) of this world.

I turn back to the books. I study Kabala, the Zohar, Sefer Yetzirah, Mussar, Chasidut, Shulchan Aruch, the laws of Jewish living. And I seek the advice of Kabalists.

I realized that I went too far. Far by rejecting the feelings that go along with torah values. I decide to change for the good. I cut off bad relationships. The same friends that introduced me to the so called “good life” are the one I am blaming. Blaming them to be the one through which I made the wrong choices. I cut myself off from the sinners. I grow a beard. I decide to make a U turn. To be the one I think I should be. A g-d fearing person.

And I change. I’m not the same person. I discovered G-d, and he reveals himself to me. The only words I memorize are “Ein Od Milvado” (there is nothing except him) I start to give classes. Helping others discover what I found.

The high again, But my goals are still there. By now there is no doubt that I am obsessed by “the mission”. I do sales, and I’m aggressive. I meet a lot of people successfully; I make a lot of sales. I demand too much from the company I work for. I overwork. I am on top of the world again. I am not making enough money. I need to work harder. I need to achieve success. I get burned out!

I argue for my rights. I think I am right and I expect people to take my side. When they are not, I blame them. I create a hostile surrounding. People think I am not in the right state of mind.

And I fall. Act stupidly, Immorality gains my mind. And I am miserable, depressed and so bitter.

I visit doctors, I take on therapy sessions. I am lost in the wide and bizarre world. I start doubting my marriage. I blame my wife and my parents for being who I am. I became dysfunctional, unstable and sick.

Conclusion:

The forces of evil took over my life. I am not well and I need help.

The only way I believe to get out of this mess, is to restart all over again. Disconnect with the past and rebuild a new page. A new “Karma”. I am young enough to do it (only 30). I need to put aside (or totally eradicate) my pride, arrogance and self-importance and reach for humility and humbleness.

I need to rebuild my value system. I need to reestablish my priorities in life. I need to be real and sincere. Truthful to myself and others. The task is hard. I am an addict and a fanatic. I need to restructure my though patterns, and the way I perceive the world and my place in it.

The road will be a long one. I am not sure where to start from. I am seeking help both materially and spiritually. I cannot waste my life anymore. Time is running out. There is a reason why I came to this world and I need to find it. Because when I find it, I will know my mission.

When I will know my true mission, I can assure you that mission will be accomplished.

This is my opinion, what's yours?

Peace and love.

SIP.





 
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ernie55B
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4/20/05 3:31 PM
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You want my opinion? Here it is:

I think you have a huge amount a chutzpah to get onto this site and complain about your soul being in pain. You are obviously looking for sympathy and I feel bad for Motcha, LFH,Recovering,Ray, etc.. who all took the time from their lives to give you some support after having their heartstrings pulled on by someone who took advantage of their good nature.

The people who write on this site have true psychological problems; some have been verbally or physically abused, some have severe physical problems, and some such as myself are suffering from depression caused by some physiological problem.

You are suffering from a condition which can be cured with a simple mirror. Look into it and you will see a person who is GREEDY. You said it yourself; nothing was ever good enough.
You are arrogant beyond belief , hence the fancy vocabulary.
You felt bad for your parents because they trusted in Hashem for parnasa and valued knowledge over MONEY?????

You run from therapist to therapist to try and "capture your mind". You try all kinds of drugs (legal and illegal) to fix what ails you?
For someone so smart you are actually pretty dumb.

But I think the fact that you wrote this all out says that there is hope for you. You just have to learn to be satisfied with what you have. Chazal knew what they were saying long before there were psychiatrists (or Dr. Phil)-- namely, 'ohaiv kesef lo yisbah kesef'. One who LOVES money will never be satiated with money.

You need to work on yourself real hard, but it CAN be done. In the meantime I suggest you stay off this site and don't dare lump yourself together with "we in the troubled community".

 
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Ray
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4/20/05 3:57 PM
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Please don't tell anyone they are rude, He obviously has issues, don't do that. He is here for support and we will support him. I don't see that he is taking advantage of anyone. We are all here to help eachother.
Soulinpain, just relax and we are here for you. Don't listen to anyone that has anything negative to say here. this is a place for only GOOD.
Are yo speaking to a therapist now? A rav ?
You'll get better, we all will. it just takes time.

Sincerely,
Ray

Have a great yomtov!!
FEEL GOOD
 
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ernie55B
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4/20/05 5:11 PM
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Ray-

You are obviously a more tolerant person than I am, which is a middah I can learn from.
I apologize for speaking on your behalf(or anyone else's).
You are right, this site should only be used for good, but I went nuts when I read some of his comments. I need to work on myself in this area too.

Ernie
 
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SOULinPain
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4/20/05 8:40 PM
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To Ernie and everyone:

Let me just say that I am sorry. I am sorry to be here with my self-afflicted illness. If I offended you, I beg you for forgiveness. I don't want to make others feel hurt.

I take full accountability and responsibility for my actions. I understand that I need to pay for what I did and the Almighty is a witness that I am paying for it dearly.

I accept my sentence.

I do not want this story to hurt anyone else, so I would like to ask the webmaster to please remove my story and my name from this website

You know Ernie, you are right. I have no place to be here. Not someone like me.

Again, I am sorry.




 
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ernie55B
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4/20/05 9:05 PM
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SIP-

You need not ask my forgiveness. I am glad you are taking responsibilty for your actions.
May HKB'H give the strength to overcome your weaknesses and may you have much mazel and bracha in all your endeavers.

Chag Kasher Vesamayach,
Ernie
 
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Ray
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4/21/05 12:06 PM
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SoulinPain,

I personally don't think you have to apologize to anyone, I don't think you did anything wrong.
You are going thru a very hard time and it's amazing that you are able to speak so clearly about what's going on. BE STRONG and hashem will help!!

 
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MenuchasHanefesh
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4/21/05 2:12 PM
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It is not the critic that counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause and who, if he fails, at least fails while bearing greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Teddy Roosevelt
 
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Ray
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4/21/05 2:31 PM
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I don't think anyone should be criticizing here. we are all here to help eachother and lift eachother spirits not bring them down!
STAY STRONG everyone!
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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4/28/05 2:30 AM
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SIP,
I am glad you are sharing your struggles. It is clear you are at war, and when I read your post, I thought of some mussar seforim, like Messillas Yesharim. Do you consult with a rav? A shrink?

Ray,
You are a beautiful person and an asset to the board!
A Lynn
 
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Ray
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4/28/05 3:09 AM
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Dr. Lynn,

Thanks for the compliment, but i think you overrated me there.

Ray
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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4/28/05 11:53 PM
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Ray,
We are all entitled to our opinions. I am remided of a line (paraphrased) from the book, Illusions, by Richard Bach; "Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours".

As I have mentioned in other places on the board, I am frequently moved and inspired by the level of support here, by you and the other "frequent flyers".
A Lynn
 
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Ray
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4/29/05 7:57 AM
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Dr. Lynn,

Thanks again! I am just very insecure about myself, i have a very low self esteem.

Ray
 
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Ray
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5/4/05 3:09 PM
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SoulinPain,

How have u been??
how was yom tov? what are u up to now after yom tov?

Hope your doing better, BE STRONG, I know it's hard but try.

Ray
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/15/05 5:37 PM
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hey, guys, yeah it's me, atara. back again for more? yep. hey, school's over gimme a break! anyway, sip, don't let anyone bring you down, honestly. i think you're a really cool person and i'm sure if i had half your drive, i'd be cured. ernie? tsk, tsk, tsk..don't let your emotions take hold of your weakness like that again. but that aside, i think it's very good that everyone can express themselves on here, and if something negative must be said, it must be said. we are here to express ourselves, positive emotions, and bad. we are supposed to expose our weaknesses, so we can fix them. so, good job sip, for expressing yourself and speaking your mind, and kudos for ernie being able to stand up for himself but he should realize he can do this and not be mean at the same time! thanks everyone, for apoligizing, even for well, absolutely nothin except being mean(like i said we are here to express ourselves, but we can do it in a positive way, even if the message is not so nice-- i think-- though how it would happen i'm not sure.) i tend to be a bit of a peacemaker. however corny that sounds. hey, if my life can't be perfect, why not help someone else make theirs'? bye everyone and good shabbos. FINALLY! school is OUT! no more going to bed at 3 am-- well, at least 4 a while!

atara (tors)-- sorry ernie for singling you out, but i singles sip out too as well as myself lots of times-- you know that. plus-- finally! some action. no i'm kidding, lol. it's good to see we can be honest on this site and not be afraid to speak out-- even if we are a little mean sometimes because of it. in my opinion, the pros of speaking your mind clearly outweigh the cons. i wish people did it more often, while in some way still be able to maintain the peace...now there's a challenge. good luck to all of us, sip, myself, ernie, motcha, ray, and everyone else INCLUDED! bye all. good shabbos again. last time. promise. bye!


-------------------------
what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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ernie55B
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12/15/05 11:33 PM
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Hi Atara!

This stuff was written EIGHT MONTHS AGO! Why are you commenting on it now?
There has to be a statute of limitations on mean things written especially when the person apologized.

Ernie
 
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Torsalicious613
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12/16/05 4:20 PM
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you're right ernie. i'm sorry. i just like to be included. it makes me feel more part of the whole thing and gives me, well, confidence in some way, i know it sounds stupid. good shabbos all, ernie esp. bye!

atara


-------------------------
what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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Wishin4More
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1/11/06 10:11 AM
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Hi All-

I identified with soul in pain...the feelings, not the details of his life.
My marriage has been on the rocks since it started. One month after getting married, my husband began verbally abusing me. After about 2 years of it, the abuse escalated to physical stuff, spitting, slapping, holding me down...and I fought back. I started to hit back, pinch, slap, anything I could do to try to have a shred of self-esteem. Now, I feel like a scrap of a person.

I have asked him to leave and taken him and his promises back 3 times. I asked him to leave again 2 weeks ago. He will not sign the divorce papers and he insists that he is working on the Get, but I know from 4.5 years with him that he never follows through. He is confused, says he does not want to be married to me but then insists we must remain friends and always love each other. His confusion and depression has been torture for me.

The silent treatments and 10 hour stretches with the TV instead of me, are more than I could take. I am becoming strong again, pulling myself up by the bootstraps and getting on my feet. There is so much hurt for me as I truly loved my husband. Now, I pity him and cannot wait to be free of him and his unholy and hurtful ways.

I would love to meet women from the Brooklyn area with whom to connect, grab coffee, visit and have a place for my daughter to play with other children. She's 2. I welcome the opportunity to trade babysitting support, share an occasional potluck meal, or just chat on the phone, to healp each other to stay strong and heal.

wishin4more


-------------------------
Long journey-survival from incest, depression, addiction and divorce. 18 years of sobriety, recovery in AA, AlAnon, OA, Debtors Anonymous, and a proud member of JACS
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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1/17/06 11:17 PM
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Wishin-
Stay strong, and stay the course. Don't let yourself be distracted and guilted away from the path you know is healthiest for you. I don't know of groups for women, but you might try Relief, Tikva dn Counterforce.
A Lynn
 
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