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TOPIC TITLE: Need chizuk for second days,badly
Created On 4/29/05 10:34 AM
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ernie55B
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4/29/05 10:34 AM
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I took my 8 yr. old daughter to an amusement park yesterday. I cried to myself the whole time as I watched her have fun on the rides. I am thinking, this is the most adorable little girl in the world and I have so much to live for. But what the H--- is wrong with me???
Why don't I want to be around to watch her grow up? I feel so bad for her- she is stuck with a father like this. I am trying so hard to fight this thing but I am not sure I can overcome it. I have been taking meds. for years and doing therapy- all to no avail. After so many years I don't see how things can change. I believe I am stuck with this life sentence.
I am sitting at work doing nothing. I am falling behind with everything.
Maybe I will get lucky and not wake up tomorrow? I know a lot of people will suffer if that were to happen so I go thru each day living for them. But the torment in my brain is terrible.
Can anyone say anything to get me thru till Monday?
Thanks in advance and good Yom Tov to all.
 
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ernie55B
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4/29/05 1:24 PM
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By the way-
The essay posted under ' inspiration' , I believe was written by someone who never experienced the pain of depression. With all due respect to Rav Miller Z'L, the quote"someone who is depressed has no hakoras hatov" is offensive. I have TOTAL hakoras hatov for everything I was given. I recognize that I have much to be grateful for and that so many people have it worse. But depression is AN ILLNESS that has been proven to be caused at times by chemical imbalances in the brain. An MRI would show differences in the brains of depressed people. There are genetic predispositions for some people. There are CHILDREN who are depressed! (I challange you to tell me that at 8 or 9 years old I had no Emunah).
The person who posted it was probably well meaning, but is obviously clueless. The joy and happiness talked about by all the Chassidic masters was intended to get Klall Yisroel thru the most difficult times- politically and economically. They were certainly successful at this, being that without Chassidus it is doubtful that Yihadus would have survived. But on an individual level I do not believe they would have made some of these comments to the face of someone who is doing his best to battle a difficult illness.

 
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Recovering
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4/29/05 5:00 PM
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Ernie -
I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry!!
I wish I could help you more. All I can offer is my words, and words have their own limitations. Hashem should help you feel how special you are, how much you've helped so many people on this site, including me, how much you have to offer, and how much HE loves you. And He does love you, so, so much. I hope you'll get to see all this, someday.


-------------------------
-"On the ladder of life, it matters not what rung you are on, but only how many you have climbed."

-"Love Thyself!"
 
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ernie55B
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5/2/05 8:57 AM
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Recovering-

It was so nice of you to take the time 2 hrs. b4 Yom Tov to answer my post! It made a big difference to me knowing that people like you care. Words may have limitations but they can be extremely powerful to hurt (as I learned the hard way) or to help.

I hope you and everyone else here had a pleasant end of Yom Tov and as you said last week , were able to redeem themselves of some of the demons of depression that have invaded our minds.

Ernie
 
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motcha
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5/3/05 10:56 PM
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Ernie, how was your yom tov after all?
 
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ernie55B
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5/4/05 8:19 AM
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Thanks for asking-

It was difficult, but B'H I survived. For some reason Yomim Tovim get me especially down. I guess it is the fact that I spend alot of time with my kids and I think alot about how bad I feel for them. They have a father with an awful illness that keeps reminding him how much he does not want to be here. I love them with all my heart but I just can't get rid of this demon inside me. I am scheduled to do ECT (electro convulsive therapy) in a few weeks. My docs. assure me it is safe and many people get relief. Anyone have any experience with this?

How was your Yom Tov? Were you with family? I hope it was OK for you.
By the way- did you read the inspirational post down at the bottom that I referred to?
What are your thoughts on it? I am curious to know what others think. Speaking of others- where are the others? It's kind of quiet around here. No?

Take Care,
Ernie
 
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shiningsmile
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11/7/05 6:26 PM
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Ernie,
I have suffered from depression as well, meds are addictive and have terrible side effects don't go that route. I went the natural route, and I have had SUCCESS. There is a product called Prime One- google it and order it, it has helped me tremendously in times of despair. 2 tbsp daily on an empty stomach!
feel good soon!
ps: this was reccomended to me by a RELIABLE naturopath
 
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ernie55B
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11/7/05 9:50 PM
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Hi Shining!

Thanks for your input. Not all meds. are addictive, and B"H the ones I take do not cause bad side effects. I have tried natural products (such as SAM-E) with no results.
In my case, the meds. are an important part of my treatment along with psychotherapy to help deal with the difficult life events I am now experiencing.

Ernie
 
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bubbles
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11/8/05 9:04 AM
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Hi Ernie,
good to see u posting again.
(btw no apologies necessary, it is often difficult to comprehend what one has not experienced)

Hope u r managing to work things out.
Its really tough I know.

My own depression is due to childhood traumas. Therefore as soon as I work thru the memories in therapy, and accept the pain and betrayal, the symptoms of depression will either dissapear or become much alleviated.

I think it is different with chemical inbalances.
And for someone to quote "Hakoras Hatov" is ridiculous.

I had an incident recently, where the person who abused me as a child heard that I was "not well". (taking meds, etc).
He actually had the Chutzpah to call me on the phone, and say if I had more Bitochon and Hakoras Hatov, I would be able to get on with my life.
If I only trusted more in Hashem, I would "forget" the memories, and I would no longer suffer from nightmares and insomnia.

trying to absolve himself no doubt.

Anyway, Ernie, I wish u much much Hatzlocho, in however u choose to do things.

Remember that if you lived a perfectly happy life, with no troubles, it might just mean that Hashem is ignoring you.
Take comfort from the fact that G-D is paying full attention to you and your family.

I am not trying to mininmise your suffering, please don't misunderstand.
I am familiar with the tremendous emotional pain a person can suffer.
(Sometimes I almost wish it were physical, and then everyone would see my sorrow)

wishing u warmth and compassion for yourself.

bubbles
 
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ernie55B
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11/8/05 10:21 PM
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Hi Bubbles!

Thanks for your warm welcome back, and good wishes.

It's hard to fathom how some people can have such chutzpah. What did you answer this person who hurt you so badly?

I am dreading the next few days; that is when the kids will find out what is going on.
I hope they will be ok. They know how much I love them and I know that makes all the difference in the world.

I will keep you posted.

Thanks again for caring....

Take Care,
Ernie
 
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bubbles
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11/9/05 12:43 PM
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I had no answer to "that" person because at that time I was not fully aware that it was actually him who was the perpertrator.

In retrospect I believe that this is the defence that he uses, in order to continue to live.

In other words, he has succeeded in blocking out large chunks of his life, simply by choosing to egnore his thoughts and feelings, which is the advice he actually gave me.

It is so conveluted and extremely complex, so much so I get pretty confused myself.

I am working on it in therapy. And let me tell you, it is tough! Really tough. I often think of the unfairness of it all. I have already suffered through the actually experiences at the time they occured, why must I now be forced to replay and re- feel everything that happened so very long ago??

Stinks. Really does.

But back to u Ernie.
Are u planning to do this with a T present? Or is it just yourselves?

It sounds really horrible.
I will be thinking of you.
Perhaps u can try and think about how your life will change for the good.
I am so sure it will.

Hang in there!

take care.
Bubbles
 
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ernie55B
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11/9/05 4:55 PM
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Hi Bubbles!

Sounds like you are struggling quite a bit yourself even though you sound really brave when you write and give chizuk to others.
No, it's not fair that you should have to go through this. But like you often say, HKB"H is looking out for us and I believe as am sure you do deep down, whatever happens to us is in our best interest even though we don't see it now.
I have experienced more than a fair share of real tzoros in my life, maybe now things will turn around and I will only experience happy events.

I really hope you will be able to say the same thing soon.

No, the T will not be with us when we break the news. I will need to be strong and composed and hope they will be ok. I understand that what happens afterwards is more important than the actual finding out.
Trust me, I will be physically and emotionally close to them and will be as deeply involved in their upbringing as I always was. I love them dearly and I want life to be as good as possible for them. (I'm in tears- not embarrassed to say so)

Be Well,
Ernie
 
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bubbles
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11/10/05 10:32 PM
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hi Ernie,

I really do believe that perhaps now the time has come for some happiness in your life.

also, don't be so surprised if your children aren't as shocked as you anticipate. Children are very intuitive to their parents moods. I am almost sure that the last few months could not have slipped by them without causing at least minimal impact.

And if so, then i think you will be able to give them more now than you probably have allowed yourself in the past few years.
Children sense things. And if you feel better within yourself, you can pass it onto them, and they can only benefit from your hopefully newfound happiness. Keep up the good work Ernie!!

Do u know where u will be living?
I assume kids and wife will stay in the house.
let me know how things pan out.

yes I am struggling too right now.
Fighting the urge to give up and let life go on without me. (not suicide) I mean, bury my head in a pillow under a nice warm blanket and sleep happily ever after.

I cannot come to terms with the fact that it was my very own father who sexually abused me when I was very young.

I am in total denial, and as a result I walk around in a fog. Life rushes on, whilst I plod slowly behind.
It is too difficult for me to acknowledge the profound pain and sorrow which overwhelms my brain.
It is easier to pretend "it" never happened, than face the pain and betrayal.

I come from a respectable, well known frum family. No one (including myself) would ever believe that my father, a Ben Torah, would go into his little girls room, in the dark of the night.

I cry.
And I cry some more.
I cry for myself, and for my family who suffers along with me.
I cry for my mother, who tried her best.

And some of the tears I cry for my father.
Yes! I am full of rage, but full of sadness too.
Sad for the weakness of the man I once loved.
The man I knew as.... "my father".

Sorry, I seem to have got carried away a bit.
Didn't mean to take away from your suffering.

Just going thru some difficult hours and days.

let me know how things r going for you and your kiddies.
tc
have a wonderful shabbos.
B.
 
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ernie55B
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11/11/05 8:58 AM
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Oy Bubbles I'm so sorry!

I know this is not a competition, but the pain you are going through is much worse than anything I or my kids are now experiencing. Your own father? How awful!
And I'm sure it is compounded by the fact that no one would believe a 'Ben Torah' could do that.
Wish I knew what to tell you to take away some of your pain. Maybe it helps you to know that I can truly feel some of it.
I am glad you once mentioned that you have a husband who is very supportive. I'm sure that makes a big difference.
I know exactly what you mean about wishing to go into bed and hide under the pillow.
But I know you are devoted to your 5 kids and keep yourself going for them, because that is how I make it through my days.
I hope HKB"H will give you the strength to come out of this ok. Your emunah and bitachon will see you through this. I have no doubt about that.
You sound like you are happy with your T. That's good. If you ever feel you need a change, I know a wonderful frum lady in the 5 towns who has helped me tremendously.

As far as my situation, the kids cried for a few hours of course. The younger one talked about her feelings, which was good. The older one wouldn't talk, but I was glad to see that later on she was on the phone with a friend and she was able to laugh a little. I just told her when she is ready to talk, I will be here.

I found an apartment 2 blocks from my house B"H! It will help that they will be so close to me. Yes, they will stay in the house, but every other weekend they will be with me and 2 evenings per week. If they will be happier sleeping in their own bed on 'my' weekend, that will be fine- I can pick them up Shabbos morning. The older one likes to go to shul with me.
I told her I would like her to help me pick out some furniture.

Got to run now...

Wishing you a refuas hanefesh and a good Shabbos,
Ernie

 
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bubbles
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12/9/05 2:41 PM
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Silent I think that perhaps this is the thread u r looking for.
 
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amyisroel
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1/23/06 6:51 AM
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Hi,

I dont know who you are but I want to share a secret with you regarding depression. I suffered my entire life from it and tried all types of doctors and meds untill i came accross a natural cure that cured me in no time. I read a book called natural cures they dont want you to know about and it suggested to do a colonic. After i did the colonic my depression totally lifted. All the shrinks in the world dont tell you this either because they dont know or the establishment wants you to keep on comming back for more treatments. I hope this works for you as well as it worked for me. keep me posted Hashem did a miracle for me and may he soon do one for you


-------------------------
moshe goldberg
 
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Torsalicious613
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1/23/06 12:27 PM
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colonics seem painful, at least very uncomfortable, no? i saw about it on tv, a lot of movie satars have it done for "cleansing" and "purity". bubbles, i'm sorry. i feel very bad for you. but if it makes you feel any better, i had a boy in my class when i was younger who would play "doctor" with me every day in pre nursery, nursery, and kindergarden. i hated it. i absolutely hated it. but i don't hold him responsable, and i forgive him, because he was only 3/4/5 and didn't really know any better, his moral compass was not fully developed yewt, and for his own sake, he was probably a little too curious for his own good. my dad holds things in then explodes, although he is getting better about it lately. my whole life, i have not had good male role- models. i mean they try, but they just don't quite make it. it's a very disappointing and irritating and bothersome pattern. i hope some day, the guy i marry will break this pattern, i need a positive man in my life, one i can count on, and feel like an equal with, and get/give support from and to, who i can lean on, and who can feel comfortable leaning on me. as far as the balance, what do you think? should the male and female spend times equally leaning on eachother? or if there is the presence of an illness or disorder (with me, bpd), should i feel free to lean on the man more, because i am bipolar, and should he feel free/good to let me do so? i don't know, i'm not very good with relationships. i've just been kind of out of it for the last 9 years, in my own little bubble/ world, you know? i don't have a lot of experience in that area, in the relationship arena. what do you guys think? (will i ever even get married? ugh..i hope so) and i hope my hubby and i will feel free to lean on eachother when we need it, hopefully at different times..or maybe at the same time! who knows, that might make the relationship even stronger! gtg to class soon

bye

thanks guys

atara (torsalicious613)


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what the hecka is a signiature?
 
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