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TOPIC TITLE: Contract
Created On 7/25/12 8:23 AM
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MoMo
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10/6/13 10:35 PM
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I miss you too!!
 
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channafofanna
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10/13/13 6:25 AM
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thanks! I miss you guys too! Im working on a way to get around the filter... bear with me =)
 
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TBear
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10/13/13 9:10 AM
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Thinking about you - take care.....
 
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channafofanna
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12/22/13 9:56 AM
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Hey guys, I dont really know how to say this, but Im taking back the contract, okay?
NO! this DOES NOT MEAN that I am going to kill myself, but at this stage in my life right now I cant make promises that I may not be able to keep. I cant have this contract anymore so Im pretending to rip it up. But no worrying about me, k? Im gonna be fine. No guilt no crying no anything. I just cant promise this anymore..... Im sorry for disapointing you guys...
I know it might hurt some of you that Im doing this, but I cant have this contract anymore... Im sorry....
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/22/13 11:11 AM
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Oh, Channa... (((Hugs)))
 
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MoMo
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12/22/13 1:58 PM
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I don't get it. Why can't you keep it?
 
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mouse
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12/22/13 3:51 PM
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Channa, is there a reason you're all of a sudden having a rough time??? Perhaps you should try to comb through the "files" and try to figure it out. Truthfully, I am finding a few people here (names will not be listed) VERY triggering. I am at the point that I want desperately to let go and tear into some people. Instead I find myself getting irritated with myself. One post in the Self Injury section was about "Does it ever end??" I forgot the exact title...Anyhoo, the fight to self injure or even just against negative thoughts doesn't ever end. I think it willl besomething I always struggle with. Just as time goes on the sstruggle gets slightly easier as I build my defenses up. The longer I resist, the stronger I am sometimes. Then I cave in, and restart the process all over again. The things is, it GETS BETTER. It gets EASIER. You'll have to trust me on this one. I get you want to tear up your contract. That's cool....Just don't use it as carte banche to open yourself up to blood and gore and ending your life. You still have a lot on your bucket list...including getting married, havign kids adn grandkids....You know what I mean. Gotta run. My loopy meds are kicking in and my arm is starting to hurt lesS . Take care of yourself. No one else can do it as well as YOU!!!


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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12/23/13 6:23 AM
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Thanks HopefulMommy!
Munkster-No reason. Nothing major is happening now. Im not triggered by anyone here or anything like that, and im so sorry that you are!
I just realized that I cant go on livning much longer. Its not fair for me to live just so I dont hurt my friends and family. I know it gets easier, Ive seen it happen, but the breaks from intense depression arent a good enough reason for me to keep living... I know I have a lot on my bucket list, but I still want to kick the bucket, more then ever... I know youre right, ive had my share of ups and downs and stopped cutting and all that stuff, but you know what? I started cutting again a few months ago. .. I cant just live until my next relapse
Momo- I cant keep it cuz at this point in time, I cant promise that I wont kill myself. I am aware that its stupid and selfish and all of that stuff, but I dont want to be alive anymore. I just cant do it. So Im not going to kill myself right this second, but I dont know what will be in two seconds from now. Im seriously fighing second by second, and Im ready to forfeit....
 
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keep climbing
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12/23/13 6:37 AM
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((((HUGS))))
Ugh! It's awful to feel this way! When I feel like that (yes, it happens) I try to connect to Hashem. I say to myself over and over-Hashem is with me in this craziness. Hashem is with me in this craziness. Because he is.
I don't know if this helps you, but I hope it does.
Please hold on! You're not alone. We're with you.
 
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mouse
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12/23/13 11:27 AM
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Channa...I get what you are saying. Now I have a question -- have you tried meds yet??? I think you should seriously consider all venues before jumping out of the fishtank (they have lids on them for a reason . ) I know you're not going to kill yourself right now, but can you just consider the enormity of your actions if you do or don't get caught trying??? Think of the bad press for frum people, think of your friends (and I bet you have some), think of your family. Are you aware that if you don't get caught and you don't survive, it puts everyone around you at higher risk of suicide??? You know how triggering that is??? I had a coworker commit suicide. It took a while to bounce back from that one. If you do get caught, don't you think you're gonna spend serious time in a regular hospital in addition to a psych unit. You don't want to be in a psych unit...especially if you are in another country or away from parents (which I gather from previous posts). It gets lonely. And your friends aren't going to come visit most likely. Maybe relatives, maybe. And who says they'll allow friends or rellatives other than immediate family in??? There is a lot to consider. This is one of those times you can't tell me, "I'll get it right the first time." What if you don't, and what if you DO??? Just something to think about. Try to get outside yourself and see it's not just about you. It's about the people around you. You aren't a selfish person, so I think you know what is right. Just think about what I'm writing. It comes from someone who has tried -- and faced the fallout.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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12/23/13 11:42 AM
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Munkster your right with what you saying, but what if the negative outways the positive. I have also tried and obviously failed since i am still here. One of my attempts were very serious, but I sometimes think to myself maybe it's worth taking the chance because the pain is soooooo great. I haven't posted in a while cuz I'm going through crazy stuff now. It's hard!!!! You're right munkster I DON'T want to end up in the psych ward which is why when last week my medical dr wanted to admit me medically I said NO WAY!!!! I don't know what I rambled off here and if I even make sense I just sometimes wonder is it worth the fight?!?!?!?! What do you say and why?


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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keep climbing
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12/23/13 12:11 PM
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Toy, YES it's worth the fight. Things CAN get a lot better! And meanwhile, we are supporting each other and that alone is enough!!!
 
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mouse
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12/24/13 7:32 PM
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It's worth the fight. You'll know it when you become a mom with the first sonogram that you see a baby fist scratching it's head. You'll know it when you hear your kids bentch with kavana. You'll know it's worth the fight when they become bar/bat mitzvah. You'll know it's worth the fight when you see them get married. You'll know you've fought all your life to the fullest when you see grandchildren and maybe grreat grandchildren. You'll know it is worth the fight when you go to Shamayim and Hashem says you fought all your life and now it's time to stop and rest and see the fruits of your labor -- productive children, observant in Torah and mitzvos and proud to call you Mom or Bubbe. Alternatively, you'll know you fought well when you go to Shamayim and you see all the fights and the cheering in the background when it went right . Does that help. There are many ways this plays out. With nachas from children, or without, it pays to fight those urges.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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I'mTrying
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12/24/13 10:45 PM
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That's beautiful, Munkster.
Yes, Channa, fight! we're cheering you on...
 
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channafofanna
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12/29/13 9:47 AM
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Yeah, Im on meds. Have been for years... Maybe they take the edge off or make me numb... Idk...
I know how enormous my actions are. Thats the only thing that has kept me alive so long. I dont want to get caught and I dont want to make everone around me depressed and guilty, even though there was nothing they can do to help me... But Ive been living for others for far to long...
Bad press with frum people? I dont know what frum world youre coming from, but the one I live in is AMAZING at covering things up. No one has to know its suicide. Espesially if I plan it right, it will just be an accident... That way Ill be okay if I dont succeed...
I know its not about me, but it hasnt been about me for my whole life. I live just to make sure others dont feel my loss.. Living for others works, but its been like 10 years. Thats pretty much my life. But Im sick of it. Im sick of smiling when I feel like dying. Cutting where no one can see so no one has to worry. Saying Im ok when Im not. Never cryin becuase I might not be able to stop if I start. Its the stupid excuses that "im tired" and "not feeling well" . I give excuses why Im in bed when no one else is. Im "going out with my friends" (when Im not)" Im doing homework". Hiding behind my facade. Im tired of the whole world thinking Im the happiest person in the world when I cant think of anything I rather do than die? To constantly have people ask me how Im so happy and why dont I ever get upset. To hide my real feelings by joking. But Im not really joking.
I know its selfish to commit suicide.But I dont think I care anymore. Its selfish to spend 24/7 wallowing in self pity. Its selfish to hurt myself and to not let other people help me. But I dont care anymore. And I know this was directed to Toy, but it is not worth the fight, becuase I will not get married or have kids. I will not hear cheering in shamayim beucase it dosesnt go right. It never has and never will.
Keep climbing- I talk to Him. I ask Him to take me away and He never listens... not yet at least...
You see, there is nothing left to hold onto....

 
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I'mTrying
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12/29/13 10:32 AM
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http://frumsupport.com/Forums/messageview.cfm?catid=105&subcatname=Mental%20Health&threadid=3336

Please Channa, we all need you. And you need yourself. The pain is horrific, I know. I really do know. I'm crying for you.
I'm so sorry you're having it so hard. I wish I could take your pain into myself, but I can't. All I can do is tell you that you are beloved and worth more than you could ever imagine (check out brit nicole song "gold" )
May Hashem listen to your prayers of taking away your pain- may they be fulfilled l'tovah, l'chaim and l' menuchas hanefesh.
 
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keep climbing
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12/29/13 11:18 AM
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(((((HUGS))))
I'm so sorry you have to go thru this for so long. It's so incredibly hard-I can't imagine how you do it.
Is it always this bad?
 
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MoMo
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12/29/13 11:38 AM
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Oy I feel your pain!!!
It sounds like you are basically living your life in hiding in jail constantly afraid of people discovering the real you that's in so much pain...
I know that feeling to some extent.

Let's come out of hiding!
Can you be more open about what's really going on?
 
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channafofanna
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12/30/13 8:59 AM
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Thanks guys...
No, its not always this bad. It goes from horrible to unbearable and back to horible again...

How do I be more open? I am supposed to cry and stay in bed all day? Act how I feel? Thats not healthy either...
 
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channafofanna
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12/30/13 9:13 AM
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And I dont even know If I feel pain. I dont feel anything. I dont know if Im in pain, I just cant do it anymore. People would kill to have my life, so why am I so miserable? Or why cant they just take it instead? I really have everything going for me, and things are good. But all I think about is dying. How warped is that?!?! I probably have it better than most of the people here on FS, yet Im one of the only ones who cant pull it together. Or wont pull it together. Im the one looking for attention when I have gotten it all my life....Maybe Im just a drama queen...
 
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Lasthope
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12/30/13 10:20 AM
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(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) we are here for you..........
 
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mouse
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12/30/13 5:01 PM
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Channa, you're in a rough spot. We've all been there. If you give it a chance it will resolve itsself. It's hard to believe, but it's true. I don't think you should act how you feel necesarily, but neither should you not allow anoyne in your life or heart. When your heart is breaking from pain, sometiemes it helps to have a friend who knows.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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12/31/13 12:20 AM
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You are being too harsh on yourself (I recognize it because I do it too).
Do you really have everything going for you?
You wrote this on another thread:
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I know what it’s like to be lonely, feel fat and out of control, have friends die, depressed, suicidal, totally alone, anxious, scared, to be a failure, betraying all and betrayed by all. I know waht its like to be away from home, have parents fighting and much more. I have survived more in my few years of life then some adults.

Do you really call that HAVING EVERYTHING GOING FOR YOU???

If I had more time I would go through your old posts and show you based on your own account just how painful a life you endured!!!!!
On the fake exterior everything is great but the inside is what matters. In the emotional department it sounds like you've gone through a heck of a lot.
It's enough that you feel suicidal but you're adding onto it the fact that your pain is all manufactured and that you're just a drama queen. Your own words throughout this site over the years portray someone who went through what few go through!!!! Your pain is very real!!!!! So on the outside you have it better than others. what's that worth?

On another note, perhaps you should act dysfunctional for a while. At least you'd be you!!! How long can you hold in so much pain and pretend that everything is fine?
Even if you don't go to the extreme of total dysfunction I think you should adopt a little dysfunction -just enough for you to express what's really going on. You have to be you. Life get's too hard to live in the long run when all you are is a poster for the emotions that others expect you to have.

You can't always give the headache excuse. You need to have those people in your life that you can look in the eye and tell them that you're in a terrible depression and can't face the world right now.

To be fully honest with you I don't blame you for not wanting to live. It makes so much sense. Who WOULD want to live like that?????

I can't tell you how much I feel your pain right now!!!!
 
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channafofanna
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1/5/14 8:41 AM
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Oy! Thanks guys!!! I apprecitate the support... More than you can ever know...
 
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HopefulMommy
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1/5/14 10:19 AM
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Channa, (((hugs)))! Momo is so right! I'll tell you something personal. For years, I thought that my life was just fine, my family was just fine, and I was the one making myself miserable. And then I read an article about dysfunctional families, and it sounded too similar to the family I grew up with. And I started reading more, especially Miriam Adahan's stuff. And eventually I came to the conclusion that, given how dysfunctional my home was growing up, I can't blame myself for my problems.

I'm not saying your family is completely dysfunctional. But there might be other things. Maybe unresolved loss, maybe trauma. It could be anything. It could be something you don't consciously remember. It could be even something from a previous gilgul. It doesn't matter. But it doesn't help to blame yourself. Nobody would purposely make herself miserable. So don't add to misery by blaming yourself.

(((Hugs))) again.
 
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Lasthope
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1/5/14 3:15 PM
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Channa, how are you?
 
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channafofanna
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1/6/14 8:07 AM
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But I DO purposley make myself miserable!!! I cut, I pull out my hair, I refuse to let anybody in to help me and I refuse to help myself.....

LastHope- Im ok, not so intensley suicidal for the past couple days but it will get bad again soo.. its just the quiet before teh storm...
 
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Lasthope
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1/7/14 5:20 AM
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Im sorry its so hard. depression sucks and thats an understatement. is there anything that gives you any enjoyment in your day even a tiny glimpse of enjoyment..?
 
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channafofanna
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1/19/14 8:59 AM
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Cutting? But I dont think thats what your looking for... I decided Im probably not going to end up killing myself, so no worries guys... Im to depressed to comit suicide, if that makes any sense...
 
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