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TOPIC TITLE: Stop crushing my hope.
Created On 8/8/12 7:44 PM
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star
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8/8/12 7:44 PM
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Ever since I was a child, my only comfort from the dysfunctional setting around me,
was to draw pictures of my future self, surrounded by children and husband.
This was how I pulled through when shamed about my family situation, when
I was scared from the screaming, when I was sad.
And it still is the reason I wake up every morning, and continue trudging through this
difficult journey.

But now some people, like my mother and a teacher, find it necessary to keep
on reminding me things like "Marriage is %80 hard work." or "You can't be dating and lonely."
Thanks. You're taking my dream , my only reason I live, and crumbling into a million pieces.
And then laughing in my face. "I told you so..."

Fine. So crush my only hope. But then ask me why I'm not getting out of bed tomorrow.

I really don't want to hear that they are right. Maybe they are right,to some extent, but I don't think its fair to crush me like this.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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wishtobehappy
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can you wear earplugs?
 
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star
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thanks. made me smile.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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HopefulMommy
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Sorry, I'm not following. Just because marriage is a lot of work doesn't mean that you are not capable of that work, or that you won't enjoy it.
 
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Aba
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It may be hard work but it's the most enjoyable and rewarding hard work, which I wouldn't trade for being single in a million years.

Don't give up on your dreams because it's well worth getting up for.

Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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star
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Thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot to me.


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star
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I'm sitting here babysitting a family of four kids and one on the way imyh,
and thinking "This is never gonna be me. I will never have this."

All that hard work- I'm just not capable of all of it, emotionally and physically.
I feel I will never be. I look at the bookshelves and think "I will never manage moving and packing."
" I cannot keep up with all the laundry." The list is endless. Forget about being available emotionally.

But without this dream being imminent, for what should I live?
I need something to wake up for other than what I'll eat for breakfast.
Life just seems so endless and dreary and pleasure-less.

Sorry if I'm repeating myself. Just need to vent.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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girlie19
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I also feel as if I'll never reach the point of getting married and having kids.


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Be who u really want to be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind
 
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HopefulMommy
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You don't have a whole bunch of kids the second you get married. You have time to learn and adjust as your family grows. I remember when I first got married looking with admiration at a neighbor who had several children and thinking that I could never do that. Now I have more children, KA"H, than she had back then, and it doesn't seem hard. I learned a lot along the way.

With Hashem's help, you'll do just fine. Part of the journey is realizing that no mother is perfect and that it is normal to drop some balls at times. It's OK to be human. It's OK to have a messy house. It's OK to run out of clean clothes sometimes, as long as it doesn't happen all the time. And it's OK to laugh about it too.
 
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wishtobehappy
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hopeful, you're so right. I used to worry about it a lot too. Not to say that it's easy, but things usually end up falling into place. Humans are amazingly adaptable.

You'll get there star. don't worry.
 
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Messed up
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Your both so right.

I remember that before I got married, I was SO SO nervous. I couldn’t believe how crazy I was to actually say yes to someone. I couldn’t sleep at night, and sometimes I was so nervous I would even throw up. I didn’t believe that I could possibly handle marriage - being there for someone, cooking, kids, laundry.... forget it. I told myself I was crazy - sometimes I have a hard time managing myself, how would I manage anything else?

b'h everything worked out. In fact sometimes I say to myself that if I had known I would like being married this much, I would have done it earlier. (Although technically I wouldn’t have, bec I wasn’t ready for marriage before then). I'm not saying its easy - It take a whole lot of work, and you have to be at a certain point to be able to handle it, but its so worth it.

I don’t think you should give up at all, star. It sounds overwhelming but you can do one thing at a time. Like in the beginning, you can try to eat by in laws, parents, family and ect....a lot so you don’t have much cooking to do. You can also send out your laundry in the beginning. If you do that in the beginning, then you can just spend the time getting used to your husband. After you settle down and get used to beginning married, you can slowly start with the cooking and laundry. Also you can also ask a rav if you can wait a year or so before having kids. And once you do have kids, you adjust to them one at a time so it’s not as overwhelming as it looks.
 
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star
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Hopefulmommy, Wishtobehappy and messedup, thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
I spoke to my t, also, and she gave me hope back as well. Without hope for a better future,there's no reason for me to live.

Messed up , your words "If I had known I would like being married this much..." really brought me comfort.
And your suggestions are really helpful, I didn't think of that (laundry, cooking.)



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HopefulMommy
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I second all the suggestions, and also, it's very very important to have a Rav who you can talk to about birth control, who is knowledgeable about mental health. I got burnt on that one. I can't emphasize how important it is.
 
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star
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Right now I can't even think of ever being able to have kids.I'll keep that in mind.Thanks for bringing it up.


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Aba
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I would like to third the last couple of posts as well.

Kol Tuv


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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star
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I went to a cousin's wedding last night which was nice b"H
but a trigger for this anxiety again.
I feel so far from getting married right now.
I can barely take care of myself- how can I support another person?!
And even if I do put off having kids, I'm sure there will be more pressure to have kids once I'm married,
so maybe I'll be pushed into it before I feel ready.
How does anyone handle it?! I feel so incapable.

But I don't want to give up on this hope...but maybe its not a valid hope at all?
Maybe its not really much to look forward to, just a lot more hard work that I am totally not capable of?

I'd appreciate anyone's insight in this struggle.



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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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gad
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sometimes things seem impossible, and then possibilities open up from the least expected places.

and we see that especially in our times. for example, no one would have expected that israel's enemies would implode and become much less of a threat. and no one would have expected that the world would be afraid of israel, as israel dictates terms, and makes announcements about bombing iran, and the world doesn't protest at all.

it's an amazing world, constantly changing unexpectedly for the good. so, especially in our day and age, we can also expect unexpected good developments in our personal lives.


Edited: 8/14/12 at 2:30 AM by gad
 
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wishtobehappy
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that's so true. I've experienced it many times. believe it or not, Hashem sometimes has pretty pleasant suprises in store for us.
 
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star
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Thanks for giving me hope.

I wish I could believe that Hashem has good surprises in store for me.

I just feel so unworthy of any good, like I'm not a proper vessel to get them.

I feel so incapable of taking care of myself....how will I ever manage a husband, a child???


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gad
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those are feelings you have now.

but these things can often change.
 
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star
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I hope so. I do see that my feelings change, as in one moment i feel capable of having a child
and the next totally not. so I'm not sure i can rely on my feelings then.


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girlie19
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Feelings are something that are hard to rely on, especially when they can change so drastically, in such short time.


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Be who u really want to be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind
 
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HopefulMommy
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Yes, you can't base this decision on how you feel at any given moment. You have to look at the overall picture and see if your symptoms are manageable most of the time, not necessarily all the time.

Just had a conversation with my Rav this morning about birth control and the possibility of never doing it again. I have such mixed feelings about it.
 
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girlie19
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Every woman wants to be a mother, but if were not capable- what's the point? It's just unfair to the child, that's the way I feel at least- based on my own experiences.


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Be who u really want to be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind
 
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gad
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but sometimes someone can be a wonderful mother, but just lacks confidence.

 
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HopefulMommy
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Girlie, your own experience is precisely what is going to help you. You know that you don't want to repeat your parents' mistakes. You'll take the time and put in the effort to learn how to be a good mother.

Maybe that's a place to start. Make a list of the qualities you think a good mother should have, and then see what you need to work on to get there. Just don't aim for perfection. That's impossible.
 
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star
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Just helped my sister with her five kids kein ayin hara.
I can NEVER do this!
I find myself praying to Hashem- don't ever let me have this. How horrible is that?
I'm too overwhelmed just taking care of myself and I really really doubt that will ever change.
Is my goal in life just to take care of myself?Is that what Hashem wants from me?
I can't even do that properly!
I feel so incredibly incapable.


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emunahdoj
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Star-I can totally relate to you. I am in the same situation right now. I am terrified of having children. My therapist says to just go with it and not judge yourself or make yourself feel bad for feeling bad...cuz then it makes it worse. So accept that right now you are scared and overwhelemed. I am in a deep depression right now so i'm trying to tell myself these same things
 
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wannabehappy21
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hi! i am in the same situation as you are. i really want to get married soon and to
have children iyh. but feel too unstable right now. i'm sure that the time will come
and we'll all be happily married with a house full of children!!!! daven to hashem and he will help you!
 
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girlie19
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Wannabehappy21, omg that could of been me writing ur post. I feel same exact way!


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HopefulMommy
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They say never say never. You never know how you'll feel several years down the line. Besides, the scientists keep coming up with new treatments for depression. IY"H you'll eventually find something that works for you.

I have an unlimited heter for birth control at this point. Most of the time, I'm so exhausted that I can't even think about having more kids ever. But sometimes, when I feel good, I start daydreaming about having more kids. Especially when I take Xanax. It makes me feel so normal. But I know I can't use it too often, and I won't be able to use it at all if I get pregnant. But I'm still hoping. Maybe they'll come up with some other medication that works just as well and is completely safe for pregnancy. You never know.
 
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toy123
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Star you're not alone in this. I'm like I'll never be able to get married, especially seeing how I reacted the first time around. Yea it was a VERY short time but that comes to show me that I don't have the qualities in me and can't do it. From these six and half years I'm in therapy I hope nthings changed a bit but something happened now in my life that doesn't make me to positive. I also have a great fear of having children like how will I manage.... Maybe we can get over this hurdle together?


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: star
Just helped my sister with her five kids kein ayin hara. I can NEVER do this!

your own children will be different because:
they will love you.
you will love them
you'll learn from experience
 
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star
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thanks for understanding, everyone.
leah, that's good that your therapist is understanding
and tells you not to judge yourself. It just confuses me. What's the point of getting married just to go on birth control for at least several years?
I'm not c"v putting it down, I just wonder if it's even worth it to get married, even though I want to.like even if I felt ready to get married, I still feel years away from wanting kids,so is there a point to getting married? Sorry if this sounds silly, I'm just voicing my doubts and concerns.


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star
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gad, I really hope that's true. That's what my t always tell me, that I'll love them so I'll want to take care of them.


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star
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Just want to share something my T told me in regards to starting shidduchim,
in the hope that it will make anyone feel a little better. It gave me a lot of hope.
She said : Depression doesn't have to be a life sentence. It doesn't have to limit you.


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gad
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your therapist's statement is very motivating,

to ascend above limitations, with happiness.
 
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star
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I'm feeling so overwhelmed again...can't take care of my own life. I feel so incapable and small.


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HopefulMommy
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At each stage of life you're only capable of what that stage requires. No one is capable of taking care of a bunch of kids before they have them. But with each child we learn, expand, and adjust. Life is a process.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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star and girlie-
I agree with what has already been said. Take each step as it comes. We have an expression: b'shaa tova. Things should happen in good time! In the meantime, your job is to get as healthy as possible so you will be the best kalla you can be.
 
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star
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ok feeling incapable again. feel so far from being in shidduchim and that makes me feel hopeless.
and i hate thursday nights because no one is on here...


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girlie19
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IM ON!!!


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Be who u really want to be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind
 
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star
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yay, thanks . how are you feeling?


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girlie19
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Crazy level of anxiety today.
Spoke to my mentor and she helped me more than any therapist ever did.
But still feeling anxious. Just a lot less.


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Be who u really want to be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

Edited: 9/6/12 at 10:24 PM by girlie19
 
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star
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i can relate. had high anxiety today as well, it sucks. thats good she helped you.


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girlie19
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Awesome actually

I always tell her she's even better than anyone liscenced.


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Be who u really want to be because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind
 
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HopefulMommy
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I'm here, but I should really be sleeping. Hope you both feel better. High levels of anxiety are awful.
 
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star
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feeling hopeless again. getting conflicting messages. is there anything to look forward to or is it just a futile hope???


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HopefulMommy
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What conflicting messages are you getting? From whom?
 
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star
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that im never going to find someone that can deal with me, that i'll end up getting divorced the way i am now.


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