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TOPIC TITLE: depressed :(
Created On 10/18/12 6:26 PM
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wannabehappy21
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10/18/12 6:26 PM
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Hi guys todays been a crazy day for me. i feel so depressed and am having urges
to hurt myself. i even swallowed a spray witch is harmful. i wrote in my joarnal but
its so hard for me to cope when i am feeling this way. i dont want to go into a hospital.

do u guys feel this way sometimes?

what helps?
 
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wannabehappy21
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10/18/12 8:32 PM
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does anybody care????
 
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star
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10/18/12 10:38 PM
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i care lots.
((((((((hugs)))))
thats amazing that you wrote in your journal.
can you watch a movie or would that not help?


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/19/12 12:39 AM
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(((hugs)))

Does it help to tell yourself that it will pass?
 
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emunahdoj
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10/19/12 1:55 AM
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I for sure have felt this way before. It is very painful. It is also hard for me to cope when I am in that place. What helps me is to just feel it. When I start judging the way I am feeling it gets worse. Tell yourself "I am feeling awful right now, I want to hurt myself." That's it. Then you don't need to say "whey am i feeling this way?" and panic about feeling that way. I find that when I panic about no feeling good, it gets worse.
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/22/12 4:35 AM
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I care too. do you feel any better?
(((((((((hugs))))))))


Edited: 10/22/12 at 4:47 AM by wishtobehappy
 
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miracle613
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i know exactly how you feel. i'm actually seeing a psychologist&i have a social worker that i talk to also due to my depression. i used to be the kind of person who would hold in my tears....now i am just crying out of the blue. i have injured myself in the past due to my depression&i would keep on doing it but i promised my rabbi&social worker that i wouldn't. I forgot what the word happiness means. I am constantly wondering why Hashem put me on this earth. I feel that He accidently put me on this earth...He didn't mean to. I feel that He forgot about me. I don't find anything(except bowling) amusing anymore. TV is not amusing, & I take kickboxing to take out my anger & to lose weight.Now, I just take kickboxing for the weightloss....I don't find it so amusing. I so desperately wish that I could injure myself. Since i made the promise that i wouldn't, im just starving myself.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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miracle,
Why are you so angry?
 
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reach4thestars
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3/6/13 8:53 PM
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Me too!!! I hate life and god doesn't even care. If there even is a god.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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reach,
Why are you so upset?
a lynn
 
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reach4thestars
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Well I'm in a much better mood now. But I was having such politics with my friends and family members. And I was having days where it would take me hours to get out of bed... And severe mood swings! And bad ocd I just don't understand why god is putting me through such pain. He just doesn't care!
 
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star
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i hear you, reach. you dont deserve such awful pain.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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miracle613
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5/20/13 1:35 PM
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i am feeling a little better now...since i quit my previous job and started a new one. but i was feeling so mad and depressed b/c i feel like a burden to my family&every Shabbat i feel like nobody notices that i'm there i constantly tell my dog that we could just move out&this past summer when there were tons of robberies on my block i feel like i could've been a victim&nobody in my family would notice. and my kickboxing/karate instructor used to be beyond friendly to me...now i can't even get a smile out of him
 
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HopefulMommy
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That's really hard! I hate feeling like a burden. Is moving out realistic?
 
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miracle613
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5/21/13 1:18 PM
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i wish it was.....but given that i have no place to go, i made a promise to my parents that i would take care of them, & i have epilepsy it's not so realistic
 
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HopefulMommy
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Why do your parents need to be taken care of?
 
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Lasthope
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5/21/13 3:10 PM
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Can i join the 'misery loves company' group?
Every day is a fight for survival. Every day i spend energy that doesnt even exist inside of me. Life. Its difficult. I drag myself through it. Days go by i wonder if things will ever change. If there will be meaning to my smiles ever again. I know i have a disorder. I have nothing truly to be depressed about, only things to be thankful for. Yet, i wake up to heaviness each morning. I get out of bed only because little peoples lives depend on me. I wonder when things will change again for the better. And i keep waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And trying different things. Therapy, meds, tms, cst...more therapy more meds.... Gd help us all...
 
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MoMo
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5/21/13 4:28 PM
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Last hope,
I'm not sure i agree that
you only have what to be thankful for...
Sounds like you had/have a very tough life!!
 
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HopefulMommy
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Good point, Momo. I wonder if you've allowed yourself to grieve your losses, Lasthope.
 
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keep climbing
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When I was in such a rut, I felt like I couldn't "keep climbing" anymore. It was awful.
Then I realized that I wasn't truly accepting my illness. I was just screaming for it to go away; for me to be likew everybody else.
I made up my mind first to accept, endure, be mekabel this very hard challenge that Hashem was sending me.
Slowly, things got better.
I still struggle plenty (as you all know,) but it's definitely easier without the kicking and screaming.
Hashem, help us all!
 
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HopefulMommy
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5/21/13 8:06 PM
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Very true. I had the same realization last year. It was painful, though. I don't know if I've truly accepted it.
 
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MoMo
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My therapist tells me that it doesn't make sense to accept that I'll never be normal because it's not true
he believes that over time with work i can be like everyone else -he says everyone has hang ups and it's normal..

I wonder, do you guys think he's giving me false hope?

I wouldn't know how to accept that I'm defective and will never heal.
 
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Mimi1022
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5/21/13 10:01 PM
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A lot of people have depression. These days it's the new normal. Seriously- most of my friends are on something
 
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HopefulMommy
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Maybe there are different kinds of depression. I don't know.

Either way, though, I don't think you should think of yourself as defective. You're a tzelem Elokim. You're a pure neshama. Your depression is not who you are. It is external to your true self. It's a nisayon, as keep climbing said. Some nisyonos are temporary, and others last throughout life. But the big picture is that it doesn't matter. What matters is how you respond to the nisayon.
 
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keep climbing
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Sometimes it can get really better, and stay that way for a long, long, time B"H.
But underneath, it's there. And I do have to be careful with my health. That has been my experience.
 
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Lasthope
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Momo and hopefulmommy, you are right. I didnt have an easy childhood. And perhaps i never grieved for my father properly. But ive been in therapu for years. And NOW, i have a loving spouse, healthy children and a home. Now i have much to be thankful for. I guess my past will always haunt me...
By the way, Wannabehappy21 - you started this thread. How are you doing?
Keep climbing- you are (most) probably right. I need to accept my illness, but how???
 
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MoMo
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You can have a loving spouse, healthy children and a big house but if you had a difficult childhood and missed out on parental love and struggled emotionally and you don't have strength to mother your kids and you tried every treatment under the sun won't you agree that thats a miserable existence?

I think it's unreasonable for you to expect yourself to be thankful for such a life.
You have enough things to worry about -don't let yourself feel guilty for not being thankful. You would have to be on the level of Dovid Hamelech for that...
 
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HopefulMommy
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5/24/13 4:15 PM
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I don't think your past have to haunt you, but you need to process it. Have you seen a grief counselor?
 
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Lasthope
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No. I dont know how to find one. Its been 20 years. Its probably too late to grieve.
Momo, ur right. Im miserable. Im also miserable about being miserable which makes it worse. But thats depression. Vicious cycles of negativity. My prob is that i have a role to play but no strength to play it. Other ppl depending on me while im slowly collapsing inside. I hate gd. I hate what hes doing to me
 
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miracle613
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5/28/13 9:29 AM
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they don't need to be taken care of now Baruch Hashem. But later on in their lives, they will and i made a promise to my father that i will not send him to a nursing home
 
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HopefulMommy
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So why is that a problem now? Why can't you move out now?
 
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miracle613
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ive already gone out with two guys....both failures. i feel that the reason why Hakadosh Baruch Hu created me with epilepsy is so that i don't find a shidduch but instead get the mitzvah of taking care of my parents if they ever need it
 
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HopefulMommy
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How old are your parents? And how old are you? I think you can do both. You can get married, and live in the same city, and if at some point your parents will need more help they can move in with you.

Don't give up hope! People with epilepsy do get married, and even have children. It's not a life sentence!
 
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miracle613
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my mom is an ob/gyn (jessica jacob- don't know if you heard of her) and she said that if a miracle were to happen and i were to get pregnant, the baby would end up so disabled that i would actually be allowed to have an abortion
 
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HopefulMommy
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Sorry to hear that. That must be really hard!

You can still get married though. There was an article in Binah magazine a while ago about a girl who knew she couldn't have children. She ended up marrying a man who already had two young children from previous marriage, and she raised those children.
 
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miracle613
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but- would the rules of kibud av v'aim still apply? and i know they would rebel against me b/c they would know i'm not their real mother
 
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HopefulMommy
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Why would they rebel against you? If you love them with all your heart they'll love you back.

I don't know about kibbud av v'eim. That's a question for a Rav.
 
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channafofanna
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know they would rebel? I have friends with stepmoms who they respect, honor and love their parents more than i could even think of doing!!
 
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keep climbing
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No offense to anyone, but such a diagnosis needs a second opinion, I think.
 
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HopefulMommy
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I agree with Keep Climbing.
 
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miracle613
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can you please explain?
 
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HopefulMommy
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Medicine is coming out with new treatments all the time. I don't know your mother, and I'm sure she's a great doctor, but it might be worth it to see several other doctors and get their opinions. Especially if they specialize in high risk, and in epilepsy. It's possible that they learned something new that your mother hasn't learned yet.
 
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keep climbing
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I agree with Hopeful. Can't give up so easily on something sooo important.
Good Luck!
 
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miracle613
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i don't know if you heard of her, but my mom is Dr.Jessica Jacob. She delivers about 600 babies a year. She has been in newspapers&magazines. And even though she is an ob/gyn she is an expert at neurology
 
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miracle613
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and she's an expert at depression
 
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channafofanna
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with all due respect to your mother- even though shes maybe the best OB/Gyn in Long Island, she is emotionaly involved wich can cloud anyones judgment. just wanted to point that out...
Is it hard for you to have such a high profile mom?
 
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miracle613
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yes i actually am believe it or not. i feel like ive been blessed with a mother who is so caring
 
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channafofanna
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good for you!! its great you get that care and love you need.
 
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