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TOPIC TITLE: Sick of Feeling Like a Nobody
Created On 4/23/13 2:21 AM
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emunahdoj
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4/23/13 2:21 AM
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I'm so sick of feeling invisible. So many people are somebodys and I am a nobody. Yes I have good qualities and things to offer people but it doesn't matter cuz to the majority of people I'm a nobody. I don't really have any friends (I have a few but they just trigger me). I don't have a Rabbi or Rebbetzin...there's no one I am close with I just go through each day and it's awful. It's not fair.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/23/13 3:10 AM
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Is there a way for you to make friends? Or to look around for rabbis and rebbetzins you can connect with?
 
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keep climbing
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4/23/13 5:49 AM
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Emunah, boy, can I relate to that feeling!!!.

You wrote that you have good qualities, and I'm positive that you do!

The depression is a cancer of the mind, eating at our brain cells. Just like cancer destroys the body, depression eats away at our minds, destroying our positive thoughts. So, that's why we focus so much on the negative.

I try to tell myself, "I am Hashem's gift to the world" when these crazy feelings start. Sometimes it helps; sometimes not.

Good Luck! We all love you here, that's for sure!
 
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star
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4/23/13 5:54 PM
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brainstorm: maybe we can either have a daily conference call to support eachother? So it's real voices instead of reading words. Or emuna, I don't know if you would consider me a real friend, but I would love to talk on the phone with you if that would help a little. But I definitely relate and understand feeling like a nobody. Like I'm so inferior.it hurts a whole lot.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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star
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4/23/13 5:58 PM
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I really relate to feeling so inferior, a nobody. What if we had a daily conference call with whoever wants to join from frumsupport and we could chat or support eachother? Would anyone want to do that? Would that help at all? I know you really need real live friends you can see.


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star
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whoops I thought my first post didn't work.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/23/13 8:11 PM
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Sounds like a nice idea. I don't if I'll have time for it, though.
 
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wannabehappy21
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4/23/13 8:28 PM
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i think that its a great idea. even if its weekly. i'm in!
 
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emunahdoj
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4/23/13 8:43 PM
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Thanks everyone for your responses.

I have a question about friends..... Most of my life I have been very social and have made an effort to reach out to people. I really reached out and built friendships. The past few months I have been thinking "so if I do nothing..if i don't reach out..I have no friends." But then I'm confused. How come no one reaches out to me? So the only way I make friends is if I reach out? But there has to be one person that is not reaching out...get it? How come it always has to be me that reaches out? Those people that I reached out to...they were not reaching out. I waspursuing them. So how come I can't be the peson being pursued? I've really been wondering this...what do you guys think?

That's a good idea abou talking on the phone.

 
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star
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4/23/13 8:48 PM
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yup dumb idea


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star
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4/23/13 9:18 PM
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i just feel rejected when i was trying to be nice and put myself in a vulnerable spot. i think i just weigh everyone down.


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HopefulMommy
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I know what you mean, emunah. I feel the same way sometimes, but I don't know if I can explain it.
 
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emunahdoj
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4/23/13 10:26 PM
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You feel the same way too? It's so confusing
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/24/13 12:51 AM
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I think we are just extra sensitive to other people's needs, because we know what it's like to feel alone. And we also have this need to be needed, to be taking care of someone. So I tend to notice when somebody looks alone, all to herself, at social gatherings, and I try to start a conversation and invite them into the social circle. Are you like that too?

But if I myself don't know anybody and don't feel comfortable there aren't always people who notice and invite me to join them in conversation.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/24/13 12:52 AM
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Emunah, do you have opportunities to meet people?
 
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emunahdoj
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4/24/13 1:12 AM
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I dont' really have opportunities to meet people. I feel so alone. My husband goes to shoul and goes and learns with his chavrusa. For women, not going to shul 3 times a day and not learning as much...it is so isolating. That's why I wrote that post one time about wanting to live in lakewood. Ok not specifically Lakewood but a community where there are frum women everywhere just hanging around-I am imagining if the whole apartment building I am currently living in was frum. There would be kids running around, just such a different environment...and I feel like I would have more of an opporunity to meet people.

 
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MoMo
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4/24/13 3:37 PM
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Is it an option for you to move?
 
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emunahdoj
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Haha you just said the thing I am obsessing on most momo...move. The magic word. I feel so bad for my husband...every day I keep saying over and over "we are moving right????" We are going to move BE"H within the next year or year and a half.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/24/13 11:54 PM
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What's keeping you from moving now?
 
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emunahdoj
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4/24/13 11:59 PM
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My husband is finishing up school which is located nearby where we are currently living. Also, I want to be near my parents for a little longer
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/25/13 12:17 AM
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Makes sense. Maybe you can come up with a plan while you have to stay where you are. With days getting longer, maybe you can start a Pirkei Avos shiur at your house on Shabbos afternoons? Or women's Shalosh Seudos?
 
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emunahdoj
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4/25/13 12:34 AM
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Yeah that's a great idea. You seem like the type of person who would do that. For some reason, I think of the idea but then I get scared to do it and get all anxious.
 
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MoMo
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What about it makes you anxious?
 
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HopefulMommy
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I actually do that. When I feel up for it, that is.
 
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MoMo
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P.s. what does the username Emunahdoj mean?
 
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emunahdoj
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Momo that is such a great question. I don't know. It just feels so overwhelming. Where I live there really aren't a lot of people....especially people around my age. There are like 5 young couples. Plus there is no eruv. I think if I had people I liked I would start something...
 
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MoMo
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Why don't you like them?
 
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keep climbing
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Emunah, I also have a group in my house. It's actually an Ahavas Yisroel group(read about it in this week's HaModia middle section.)
But what I want to say is, you just can connect with one person, and maybe together you can work on a project.
That's how we do it here.
 
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emunahdoj
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A lot of the people are kind of snobby, not welcoming, not friendly. When my husband and I first moved her we were ignored, no one invited us for meals, i say hi to people and they don't respond. I was worried it was just me but my family said they feel the same way and they won't step foot in the shul
 
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MoMo
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But even 'snobby' people are often nice once you get to know them. Is it possible that its still worth putting in more effort?
 
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emunahdoj
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I guess. I have tried...and I am nice to them. They are like 25 years older than me. Hopefulmomy and keepclimbing that's great that you guys do those groups. It's really triggering for me though cuz I always get very sad when I hear about people doing the groups cuz I don't do it and it makes me cry and feel like a nobody.
 
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HopefulMommy
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But it's not you! It's the community you're in that is clearly not a good fit for you. So you're "somebody" who happens to be in a place where there are no potential friends.
 
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emunahdoj
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Thanks hopefulmommy. That helps to know it's not me.
 
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star
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im also feeling so friendless. i texted a high school friend if we could hang out on shabbos but she was sleeping when i went over and anyways i think she just feels bad for me so thats why she invites me out sometimes. i feel like such a loser. no one wants me. im unlikeable.


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toy123
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well star give urself credit for going that takes guts. i actually have no one in my area that i can go to besides for one friend who has four kids and seems uninterested in me. so applaud yourself for that.


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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star
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thanks


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keep climbing
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4/28/13 7:06 AM
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Emunah, sorry for triggering you. I surely don't want to cause you pain.

Maybe you can think of it as a hopeful sign. You never know what may happen in your life. I was this very, very shy and neglected kid. Yet, here I am, doing this group in my house. Sometimes, I don't believe it myself.

Hashem can make miracles and He does.
 
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emunahdoj
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4/30/13 10:38 PM
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Keepclimbing... no don't be sorry. You helped a lot. That gives me a lot of hope the example you gave me.

I AM JUST SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I LIVE IN THIS CONDO AND PEOPLE ARE BLASTING THEIR TVS AND NO ONE HERE IS FRUM AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KEEP THINKING OF ISRAEL AND HOW IT IS THERE. THIS IS MISERABLE. MAYBE I NEED TO MOVE SOONER THAN I PLANNED. SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS AWFUL
 
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star
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yikes you wouldnt want me and my movies being your neighbor . but i hear you about needing frum people. when i lived in florida i was very isolated from frum people and that was extremely hard. so it makes sense you feel so awful. does your husband know how you feel?
sorry if this wasnt helpful and had the opposite effect. just wanted to let you know you are heard.


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emunahdoj
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You are different...you are going through a hard time and that helps you. These are people that are not Jewish. They can't even get a minyan at the shul we go to!!!!!!!!!!! Yes my husand knows how I feel. I complain to him every day and drive him crazy. He keeps telling me we are going to move and I say yes but where??????? Cuz there are a few communites to choose from and I say we need to ask our Rabbi and just listen to our Rabbi. And he says its not that simple. It's not like halacha. AND I GET ALL ANGRY. Because hashkafic questions are very important to ask your Rabbi. My husband and I have this discussion of moving every day.

I AM SO UPSET RIGHT NOW.
 
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emunahdoj
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IT'S NOT FAIR BECAUSE WHAT DO I WANT?????????? DO I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS??? DO I WANT GASHMIYUS THINGS???????? ALL I WANT IS TO LIVE IN KEDUSHA. I WANT TO DO HASHEMS WILL AND THIS IS WHAT I GET.
 
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star
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i hear you. sorry i dont know much else to say. your feelings about wanting to move to a better place are very valid.


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HopefulMommy
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Sorry it's so hard for you. I agree with your husband, though. Or rather, my Rav agrees with your husband. He is ready and willing to discuss hashkafa questions, and give advice, but expects us to make our own decisions in the end.


Edited: 4/30/13 at 11:36 PM by HopefulMommy
 
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emunahdoj
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Thanks Star. Hopefulmommy...really? I need to realize that my husband is the rational one. I told him "our Rabbi needs to just tell us where to move cuz that's what daas Torah is." Hopefulmommy your Rabbi tells you to make your own decisions? Maybe it's my black and white thinking but I feel like you just are suppoed to ask a Rabbi and then listen to what he says.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Nope. Doesn't work that way. We've had this conversation with our rabbi a number of times. He says that all the big rabbis, including his own mentors, always leave room for people to make their own decisions. The current trend to expect some kind of divinely inspired answer stems from mindlessness.
 
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keep climbing
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Oy, Emunah! I feel your pain!
It sounds so tough to live in such isolation. That is a really big challenge.
Here is a sample of nice things to do. I do some of them every day. It helps with the feelings of isolation.

Excercise Long walk in park or garden Get a massage Eat something good

Go outside and watch the birds, or the clouds Do a crossword puzzle, or sudoko

Go shopping or window shopping Go to a library or bookstore Write a poem or just journal

Listen to music Plant a garden, or just buy and enjoy plants and flowers Go out for something to eat

(From The Big List if Pleasurable Activities, The CBT Workbook)

I hope this helps. If not applicable, just disregard.

Remember, we're all your friends here. You're not alone!

 
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Lasthope
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Emunah, is your pain from depression (MDD) or being lonely because theres noone in your community to be friends with? I live in Israel, am surrounded by potential friends all the time, wether its neighbors, women at the park, women at a shiur, women at my art class, but sometimes i feel very lonely because the depression doesnt let me enjoy interacting with people. So sometimes its not which state you are in rather your state of mind. In that case, moving anywhere will not actually solve the problem. But, if it is just a matter of location then thats different. You need to find a community and once you move and make friends youll feel a lot better... Hatzlacha...
 
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mouse
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So true, last hope.....I'm like that. I must admit though, I have 1.5 really good friends I can rely on. I found that at the moment, it's all I need or can handle. So...I'm content. Though I'm always willing and open to having new friends, I'm just scared of being rejected. I am surrounded by so many people who are "there" for me when I need them, but they aren't friends. They are just coexisting in this little world.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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emunahdoj
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Everyone's comments were really helpful and I will write about individual ones soon but right now I am just so upset.

Every time there is a holiday, and Shabbos, i am so bothered. This is so annoying. Shavuos is so close and not one invite....the Rabbi didn't even invite us over. We have no friends. I have to hear about what all these people are making for their guests on facebook (i guess that's my fault for being on facebook) and my husband and I are just gonna be alone. So lonely. It's not fair.
 
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HopefulMommy
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That's hard! What about your family? Or staying in a different neighborhood?
 
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