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TOPIC TITLE: Fighting Guilt
Created On 5/1/13 7:10 PM
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MoMo
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5/1/13 7:10 PM
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I have to keep reminding myself that I am just a person trying his best.
I don't always measure up.

I need to accept where I am in Ruchnius and be a S'meiach B'chelko.
I am not a bad person.
I do want to grow and heal it doesn't change in one day.

I am M'kabal on myself not to use my smart phone without a filter.
In that merit may Hashem help me feel more whole.

My Rebbi told me that guilt is not a Yidisha thing. I will do my best from here on to be the best I can be but the guilt I feel is coming from harsh parental criticism. I don't want to accept such a negative view of myself and life.

No one is perfect. I'm a work in progress.

Do you guys ever feel totally empty and guilt ridden?
 
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Lasthope
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5/6/13 12:41 PM
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Yes whenever im depressed. Completely filled with guilt. Its the disease talking.
 
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mouse
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I'm reading this post. I actually had to reread it several times since I for some reason can't wrap my mind around it. The more I read the more I feel like you are a much better person than me. I do feel empty and guilt ridden. Usually it's over stuff like I know I let someone down or I did an aveirah on purpose (for example, listen to loshon harah and know I'm taking it in and not stopping it.) I hate the feeling and do what I can to realize I'm only human and I can try for better next time....not tomorrow, but next time, because next time may be in five minutes. I think some of it is the disease as Lasthope said, (though I must admit Lasthope is my first hope....) but some of it is because I know if I find criticism in me, on some level, it may really exist.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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5/13/13 10:18 PM
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I internalized so much negativity and criticism that even when I do very very well I still feel guilt ridden.

Today I spent a big portion of the day doing Chessed and I really put myself out there but I still feel awful about myself.
It's amazing how terribly brainwashed I was to feel so terrible about myself!!!

It's mind boggling how deeply the scars of a neglectful/abusive upbringing runs!!!!!
 
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mouse
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5/17/13 12:13 PM
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Too bad you can't see yourself from my point of view. You're battlling depression which is a biggy and yet you find time to do chesed for others....not to mention the energy thing. I can't fathom what kind of thoughts go through your head, but I wish they were mine...."WOW....that's amazing you do so much" "WOW, you care about others rather than get self absorbed in your own troubles" and more. If you want to hear all my thoughts,, I'll try to list em...but not very good at it. they run a mile an hour when i see someone like you. Inspirational. Seriously.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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The thoughts that go through my head Is that I'm worthless and I'm a bad person worthy of being physically and emotionally hurt.
On Yom Tov I felt like I wanted to get beaten up -I deserved it for being in bed during Mincha.

My father would rage at me about these type of things when i was younger..
It was traumatic.

I was remembering how one shevuos my father slapped me up for something. I felt so much shame. If only my father would have spoken instead!
I was a good kid and wanted to do the right thing...

Munkster, thanks for showing me that maybe there is another way of looking at myself...

Somehow I'm still stuck in this guilt thing
Oy it's terrible!
 
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keep climbing
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5/17/13 5:16 PM
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Hi, Momo. I can really relate to this guilt business. I used to feel like that a lot. Whatever I did ( and I did a lot) it was never enough.There was always this monster in my head shouting"More! More!"
The good part is that I finished with those thoughts, B"H.
You are so young, and you know that these thoughts are baloney, so you will definitely get over it.
Especially, if you are in a new place, with new people. That's great! But, go slow. Don't make too many changes at once.

I had a really hard Yom Tov. Two long summer days of Y. Tov were soo hard! I hope and pray that Shabbos will be better. What can I say?

Good Luck to us all! Good Luck with everything!
 
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MoMo
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5/17/13 6:37 PM
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How did you learn to deal with that guilt?

What about Yom Tov was so hard?
What were you feeling?
 
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mouse
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5/18/13 10:10 PM
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MoMo, I dunno waht to say after reading your post. Your father got it all wrong. You should want to do the mitzvos for love of Hashem, not fear of father...or guilt. ...I'm sorry you had such a negative experience. Maybe you need to acknowledge your dad's approach to religion wasn't quite on target, even if was MEANT to be. . I have my own guilt feelings and thoughts. I guess it's easier for me to see the good in others than myself. .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Mimi1022
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5/18/13 10:50 PM
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I read this quote today: "done is better than perfect"

One way I can apply this to my life personally is I showed up for davening on Shavuos at the early minyan. It doesn't really matter that through part of it I was half asleep - I just give myself credit for making it out of bed!

So maybe try giving yourself credit for whatever you did. It'll feel better!

Hope everyone had a good Shabbos

Best,
Mimi
 
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MoMo
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5/19/13 3:17 AM
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Edited: 5/19/13 at 3:37 AM by MoMo
 
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MoMo
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Absolutely! One of the main things I work on is to acknowledge the small steps.

Munkster, when i was discussing dating/marriage with my therapist he said that it will most likely be easier for a girl to see my strengths than it is for me to acknowledge them.

My therapist was saying that some people won't look at my struggles as a black mark against me but rather see that i am so strong that despite my struggles I still keep going. And a day after my therapist said that you posted that exact sentiment...
I found that cool... :-)
 
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keep climbing
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Momo, I think recognizing that the guilt feelings are simply not true is the way to go. Whenever I get that kind of feeling, I remind myself that it's that little voice inside my head that's talking. It's just baloney. Eventually, the little voice gives up if you keep trying. Good Luck!
Shabbos was not easy.
O.k. I survived. That's the main thing.
 
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keep climbing
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Here I am feeling guilty again.
I chose to do something for myself (sonething I"ve been waiting for a long time to do) instead of being there with my son who is going away for the summer
today. My husband and other kids are there for him . I'm usually home and around. I need to do this (it's only today.) Will the guilt please shut up so I can have a nice day!!!!
 
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I'mTrying
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7/1/13 9:56 AM
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Amen to that! (the guilt shutting up, I mean
Your son will have a good time iyH in camp (I assume that's where he's going?) even though you weren't around to see him off, and you will be a better mother for having taken care of yourself. Remmber, it's the disease talking!
My mother told me recently that she is trying to get rid of the role of martyr and take care of herself. I can't explain how emotional I got. I am sure your children will appreciate, more than you can recognize, your taking care of yourself. It makes a child feel safe (IMHO).
 
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channafofanna
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"I think recognizing that the guilt feelings are simply not true is the way to go. Whenever I get that kind of feeling, I remind myself that it's that little voice inside my head that's talking. It's just baloney. Eventually, the little voice gives up if you keep trying. Good Luck!
Shabbos was not easy. "
Theres the advice in your own words!!! Good job for doing something for yourself. Hopefully you werent feeling guilty all day so much that you couldnt enjoy yourself!!
 
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MoMo
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7/1/13 9:23 PM
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You can't FIGHT the guilt. Thoughts don't go away through fighting them. You have to make room for the thoughts and work with it...
That's my experience
 
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channafofanna
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what does it mean to make room for the thoughts and work wit hthem?
 
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channafofanna
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and Momo, YOU started the thread titeled :"fighting guilt" ...lol.
 
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MoMo
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It's hard to explain...
Basically if you get riled up about it and fight the thoughts the thoughts don't go away..
You have to be able to allow the thoughts to exist and take up space and at the same time learn how not to take the thoughts so seriously..
 
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channafofanna
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how do you decide how much space they get to take up? isnt not taking them seriously fighting them?
 
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keep climbing
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Thanx,everybody for your encouragement!
I had a really nice day, B"H.
 
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channafofanna
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great!!!!
 
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keep climbing
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Now, how do I keep that good mood going?
It's back to real life, everybody, and it ain't easy.
 
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channafofanna
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In my experience by keeping busy, eating 3 meals a day and sleeping at night. It sounds cliche but im telling you it helps!!
 
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HopefulMommy
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Is anything blocking you from keeping a good mood? Because I actually had to work hard on not feeling guilty about feeling good!
 
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keep climbing
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Chana, I'm with you 100% about a good night's sleep and 3 meals a day.
Also exercise, meds, therapy and low stress.
Maybe I'm tired......
I got your pm. Don't know how to answer it.

Hopeful, why do you feel guilty about feeling good?
About me, that is the million dollar question. What is blocking me from feeling good?
Maybe opening up my history of child abuse?
I don't really know.

Thanx for answering.
 
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channafofanna
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Huh? I am sooooo confused Keep Climbing. Care to explain?
and im guessing by the fact that you said "maybe im tired.." meant that the rest of your day diddn tfollow your morning...

btw- feeling guilty about feeling good is supposed to be very common. Almost as comon as being guilty about feeling bad, in fact. thats what someone told me....
 
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keep climbing
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Yesterday was the really nice day.
Today is soo much harder......
 
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channafofanna
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oh, (((HUGS)))) just remeber , the longest day is only 24hrs...
 
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I'mTrying
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7/3/13 10:11 PM
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+1
So, so true.
 
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mouse
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Channa...i agree HOWEVER you could change the way things are going in any particular day just by doing something good for yourself. For example, if you have a really bad you may be able to reroute the bad day by taking a walk. Sometimes, derailing the bad day is worthwhile. Sometimes it's because of a "normal" reason and you can't but at least try. I've had some bad days recently....you wouldn't believe what a. getting outside and b. a piece of chocolate can do .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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Munkster, if only it was so simple........
 
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mouse
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i know it's not simple, but just think about it.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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you CAN change the way your going, its just a matter of how many of us do?
 
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keep climbing
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It doesn't always work, unfortunately.
 
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MoMo
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My experiences match what keep climbing is trying to express
 
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channafofanna
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Its ok MoMo! I think most of us probably arent able to do that considering that this is a DEPRESSION FORUM!!! You are in good company. not that it helps....
 
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HopefulMommy
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How about taking a nap, to change the course of the day? That helps me. If I can fall asleep, that is.
 
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channafofanna
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and if you can get out of bed after....
but i have found taht to be helpful...
 
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mouse
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Naps rule. I guess I should acknowledge that it's true, you can't always change the way a day goes -- there ARE external factors that we can't control. HOWEVER, you can at least try. It may not work one day, or even the next, but eventually you may hit upon something that changes your day. And when that DOES happen, take note that it helped and try it again and again and again while trying other new things to change your day. The main thing that I found truly distressing was my mom's illness. I couldn't cure her or change her but sometimes I was able to take a vacation from her and dwell on other things. Now she is gone, and I'm distressed over that but I can still find distractions at times. I can get road rage and be nasty but then I help someone who is having difficulty merging and there hand wave can change my day. I feel a little happy someone appreciated me. I'm not sure if that helps, but it's just the way I see things.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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Now THATS a good attiude!!!
 
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MoMo
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So was that you who let me merge the other day?
I think I saw Munkster on your license plate ;-)
 
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mouse
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LOL MoMo....i wish i had a munkster license plate .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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