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TOPIC TITLE: Why doesnt anyone want to spend time with me?
Created On 5/13/13 4:29 PM
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star
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5/13/13 4:29 PM
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I feel so alone and unwanted.
The most horrible feeling ever.
The one person I thought wanted me stood me up today.
The other person who i PAY to make me feel good made me feel worse so i still feel alone.
Why am I so darn unlikeable?
Am I such a terrible person?
I just want one person to call me up and say I sincerely enjoy your company and
want to spend time with you.
One person.
Just one, G-d.


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star
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5/13/13 4:35 PM
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I just want one shoulder to cry on. Just one Gd. I tried trusting You in the past and every time my prayer goes unanswered,
it feels like a slap in the face. Why do You choose some people to see the world in color and others in black?
Im so alone. I thought You were easing my loneliness but now I am even lonelier then before. Please. Im begging on my hands and knees. You dont even deserve a prayer from me since You torture me with every breath i take.
But im desperate. Why can't you ease my loneliness and send me one person who will truly want me and want my company?
I thought You decided to take pity but now i see it was a farce, an illusion. How could You tease me like this?Why do you hate me so? Just one person!!!!!!


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star
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5/13/13 8:39 PM
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noone else feels this way?


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Lasthope
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5/14/13 4:08 AM
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I definitely feel this way sometimes. I hope u feel better...i hope we all feel better...
 
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mouse
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5/14/13 7:40 AM
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Didn't really get on here till now. I feel that way a lot. Lonely, rejected....I just try to remember that it isn't my fault (at least not entirely) and that others out there feel the same way -- at least I think so.


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star
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5/19/13 11:40 AM
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im by my sister, who has 7 kids ka"h and doesnt need or want to spend time with me. ouch. it really hurts. i feel so unwanted.
do you married people at least feel wanted by your spouses?or does that good feeling wear off after the first year or so?


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keep climbing
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5/19/13 3:37 PM
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I do feel needed by ny spouse, and my children. This after many years B"H.
In fact, they are the reason we keep trying again and again.
Sorry about your forced vacation. Sometimes reading to the little ones is an easy way to relate to them and helps both of you.
Good Luck!
 
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star
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5/19/13 4:28 PM
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thanks. i spent sometime with my nephew but after a while the kids overwhelm me so i retreat.
what do you mean- this after many years? you didnt always feel needed? what about feeling WANTED?


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keep climbing
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5/19/13 7:58 PM
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I meant that it din't change after all these years. I still feel as needed and wanted as in the beginning.
Same here with getting overwhelmed.
 
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star
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5/19/13 8:13 PM
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wow thats encouraging thanks.


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star
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5/19/13 8:44 PM
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IM SO LONELY!!!! this stinks. im by my sister and my moms away and noone cares about me here


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HopefulMommy
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5/19/13 11:12 PM
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Sorry you're feeling so lonely.

I would say that husbands are not so interested in talking. They're interested in other things .

I think it's a personality thing. Some people enjoy talking and socializing, and others don't. And with people like me, it depends on my mood. So don't take it personally.
 
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star
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5/20/13 12:28 PM
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My husband better be interested in talking and listening. But the physical is communicating too, sometimes much more, at least what I know from feeling hugged by my mom. So thats okay with me.


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star
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Do you still feel wanted, HM?


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HopefulMommy
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5/20/13 2:07 PM
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Yes, definitely.
 
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star
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5/21/13 4:24 PM
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so how come you married people still get depressed if you feel wanted? thats what i want most to feel. that someone chooses just me to spend time with.


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star
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not trying to invalidate anyones pain- im just trying to understand- is it a different level of depression when ur married? or is it just different sources of depression??


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HopefulMommy
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5/21/13 6:42 PM
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Do you think that feeling unwanted is the only cause for depression?

I don't think it's any different being depressed when married or when single. I was depressed as a teenager. Same thing, except in some ways it's easier because I had less responsibilities and didn't have to worry about keeping up with them. And I had the luxury of dropping out or not finishing a task. That's when I quit music lessons, among other things. Didn't help my depression, but made my life less stressful.

It could be that this feeling of being unwanted comes from the subconscious, from some past experience in early childhood. I don't know how depression works, and why people get it.
 
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star
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5/21/13 6:49 PM
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but you have a family and you have to take care of them. but if i dont have kids right away, i dont have to have such a responsibility.


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HopefulMommy
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I'm not saying you shouldn't get married. I'm just saying that in my experience, married people can get depressed as much as single. Why and how I don't know. Just an observation.
 
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star
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5/22/13 1:02 PM
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okay so why should i get married whats the benefit? it sounds from you guys that it just drags you down and makes you more overwhelmed from all the responsibilities just to keep house and be there for the other person. so should i not believe my doc that itll be good for me to get married? im getting all contrary advice i dont know who to believe with such a big life decision. dating is so stressful for me.the scariest thing is the more i open up, which is nessacary to get somewhere, the more i will be hurt if he rejects me at some stage. like taking off a band aid hoping to get helped but what if he pours salt on my wound?????


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keep climbing
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5/22/13 2:11 PM
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Star, I'm all for marraige, and so is everybody else.
But it's not a cure all.
Yes, it is great to have somebody look out for you and be his Number One.
And the dating is the way to get there. No other way.
Keep telling yourself that it's worth the emotional upheavals. (I think it is)
Hatzlacha!
 
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HopefulMommy
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5/22/13 4:09 PM
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I think marriage is valuable in itself, whether or not it helps your depression.
 
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star
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okay so at least ur saying it's a good thing. I thought you were saying it's a bad idea for me to get married. I don't know who to trust anymore. Maybe if I get someone to marry me then I'll just be a failure of a wife like no dinner no looking nice so he'll divorce me. What the hell am I getting myself into????


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HopefulMommy
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I can't really tell you if it's a good idea or not. Only you can know that. I do think, though, that you need to want to get married for its own sake, even if you don't get better, as opposed to seeing marriage as a promise of cure.
 
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emunahdoj
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5/22/13 9:37 PM
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Star, I can tell you my experience. I was convinced that if I get married I would never be depressed again. I started shidduchim and was not getting married. I became so depressed that I was not getting married that I ended up inpatient.

Now I am married and I am still not happy, feel depressed and lonely. I have come to this realization-my whole life, it was something that I was worried about and I thought "if only i get this, I will be happy

But it is the emptiness and lonliness that I feel inside that NOTHING can make up for. I just have to go through therapy until I can learn to make myself feel good. It's SO hard.
 
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star
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5/23/13 5:45 PM
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SO the guy told me he doesnt think he could support me financially or emotionally, he needs someone who would work and he doesnt think he can deal with my depression or i could deal with his anxiety. he said hes gonna think about it but i didnt say anything the whole ride home so that was it. i dont want to continue anyways now, now that i feel rejected by him.
i decided to stop speaking. the less i speak the less ill get angry and thereby hurt. the worst is when i get angry and then my mom gets angry at me. so if i dont talk she cant get mad at me. i just dont know how ill bottle up the anger all day. but at least now i have some control. if i dont let anyone in, i cant get hurt....


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star
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i think my mom thinks me not talking is funny like im a little kid whos gonna break the promise.....im so hurt!!!
....


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Edited: 5/23/13 at 10:27 PM by star
 
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star
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where is everyone????? i need you guys!!!!!!!!!!!


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HopefulMommy
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5/23/13 10:01 PM
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That's disappointing, about the guy. I don't see it as a rejection, though. He's just being honest about his limitations. It has nothing to do with you. He just has special circumstances. Most guys don't expect their wives to be the breadwinners. Unless they're in Kollel or something. So it's just not a good shidduch, sounds like.
 
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HopefulMommy
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That line, about not getting hurt if you don't let anyone in, is very telling. Been there. For me, the first thing I had to do is to accept myself, listen patiently to myself, be open about my emotions with myself, and be kind to myself in return. Only then, after learning to accept myself, was I able to share the vulnerable parts of me with others.
 
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star
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5/23/13 10:25 PM
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thanks. BUT I CANT ACCEPT MYSELF. ive tried really hard and i just CANT. you make it sound kinda easy but i just cant do it on my own.


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star
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5/23/13 10:28 PM
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and my anxiety from not talking is making me go crazy!!!!!!!!!!!! but im too afraid of getting hurt to talk!!!


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HopefulMommy
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Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself. What if you explain to your mother exactly what you explained to us here? Tell her that you can't control your emotions, and ask her to see them in that context and not get angry.
 
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HopefulMommy
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What happens when you try to accept yourself? What if you had a friend who was an exact copy of you? Would you be able to accept her?
 
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Lasthope
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I wish i knew what to say. Im going thru hell myself. Depression wont leave me alone
Star, sorry the shiddich didnt work out. It must be very painful for you and you must be in a lot of pain by not wanting to talk.
 
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star
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5/24/13 1:31 PM
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I am so so so sad.
I davened to hashem for the first time on over a month from my heart because i am so lonely.
im crying like a child who needs their basic needs taken care of. i need a reason to live. i need to feel loved.
you dont understand because you dont feel the lack.
from where will my help come?


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HopefulMommy
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(((Hugs))) Hope you feel better soon.
 
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star
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thanks now i just got really angry at my mom and now im super angry at myself for getting angry!!!!i cant freakin control it!!!


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keep climbing
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I feel for you,star. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain.
Please don't be upset at yourself for getting angry now.
You are in a lot of pain right now. And you feel everything so strongly that it hurts you so much more.
Actually, I think you're doing great.
It hurts when a shidduch falls apart. A lot.
Just take care of yourself. Do things that will make you feel better.
We're davening for you.
 
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star
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thanks. that helps a little.


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thinkgood
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So sorry to hear that things are tough, star.
Not that its comforting to hear, but ive been at that place myself and can relate to how u feel.
Keep in mind that things have to get better and that they will get better.
I know its hard to feel that way when ur feeling depressed and anxious- but remember that hashems salvation can come in an instant!
Hope thing get better soon...hugs!!
 
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star
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thanks. wish i could believe in hashems salvation. bh survived shabbos in thanks to my heter. tried not to talk negatively of myself which i realize triggers me. but thats a catch 22 because i need to express the pain im in by saying how horrible i feel about myself! so confusing....


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thinkgood
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Try to separate the negative feelings from urself..meaning express ur pain etc but dont connect it to hating urself. For example, instead of "im such a bad peron cuz I did x", u can say "i feel terrible abt x, I wish it wuldnt have happened. But that doesnt make me bad. It makes me human and im in a lot of pain."
Hope that helps...
 
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star
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hard to understand cuz my brain is strained but thanks...


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star
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the guy left me a message saying he thinks its best we go seperate ways, too many issues between us.....
feel somewhat relieved because there were lots of things bothering me but feel so sad and lonely-
when will i get another date, if i will ever find someone as sensitive as him?angry at hashem for leaving me alone...


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HopefulMommy
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(((Hugs))) that's really hard. Give yourself time to grieve.
 
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star
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thanks.


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star
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not sure why im not totally depressed. maybe cuz i allowed myself to be angry? so strange.


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HopefulMommy
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Maybe. They say that depression comes from suppressed anger. Hope you continue to feel better and better.
 
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