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TOPIC TITLE: dread
Created On 5/18/13 9:28 PM
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star
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5/18/13 9:28 PM
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my moms going on vacation for two days so im being shipped off to my sisters. which is so scary and triggering for me
because 1. my moms in a way abandoning me when i depend oh her emotionally so much and 2. my sisters house is so potentially triggering for me. so i am filled with dread and fear......


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star
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5/18/13 9:33 PM
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IM SO SCARED!!!!HELP!


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Mimi1022
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5/18/13 9:50 PM
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Why is your mother going on vacation?

Also, what does being at your sister's trigger? Maybe go on some walks a lot and go hang out at the library or hang out with friends if you find it triggers you
 
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mouse
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5/18/13 10:07 PM
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So sorry to hear...any way you can stay at home???


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star
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5/18/13 11:52 PM
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mim thanks but what friends???
nope im too scared to stay alone.
just went to walmart and got some candy and a new movie- silver linings playbook-about a guy with MI- heard of it?


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getMeOutOfHere
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Sorry about having to go to your sister. Sounds rough. Is there any way you can hang out at home during the day and only go to your sister at night?
Abt Silver Linings Playbook - I don't know what anyone else here thinks, but just a heads up, I found that movie to be triggering, and my therapist said a number of her clients felt the same way.
 
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Mimi1022
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Getmeoutofhere: What is "triggering"?

Thanks!
 
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star
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thanks. i hope i wont get triggered- can you tell me what was triggering about it?


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star
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so i watched it. i could see how it could be triggering but for me it was EXTREMELY validating to see people acting like me, like im not the only one who feels such extreme emotions that makes me act in extreme ways sometimes. The ending was BEAUTIFUL- showing how we can find healing by connection with another.
The actor said he went from being ignorant (about MI) to being EMPATHETIC!!!!


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Mimi1022
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Wow that's really nice- Happy to hear you enjoyed it!!
 
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thanks. i was kinda scared someone would say dont talk about movies on this site!


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HopefulMommy
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5/19/13 11:15 PM
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Actually, now I'm curious to see that movie . Although likely won't get to it.
 
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star
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5/20/13 12:26 PM
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Because you dont want to watch a movie or lack of time?


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HopefulMommy
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5/20/13 2:10 PM
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Lack of time. That is, the kind of time when my kids are not around and I'm not too exhausted.
 
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keep climbing
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Star, how is the day at your sister's going?
 
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star
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back in this freakin black endless hole.i asked my sister to drop off the movie in redbox and she said no she doesmt want anyone to see her doin git. Then I went to my doc and felt WORSE cuz everything he said I said I don't believe you and he didn't know what to say. And tomorrow I'm meeting the guy and my doc and I know it's not gonna work out!!!!! This is hell my sisters chatting cheerfully on tthe phone and could care less I'm depressed except sjes told me or implied before that I'm too much of an emotional burden for her!!!!!!so I feel like an overemotional unwanted burden noone wants.and no hope cuz gd aint that nice to me so I'm done trusting him. I just want to lie in bed abd die. I don't want to think that but it just comes in and I'm too tired to fight it. Why am I so hated????? Noone wants me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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Mimi1022
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It's ok you'll feel better tomorrow
 
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star
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seriously? Would you want someone to tell you that when you are depressed?


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HopefulMommy
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5/20/13 8:18 PM
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Sorry you're feeling so low. (((Hugs))) Good luck tomorrow, with meeting with your doc!
 
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star
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thanks. im feeling so negative so i think my thoughts will make it turn out bad. i decided on a plan b if this guy doesnt work out and i can assure you its dirty.


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HopefulMommy
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5/21/13 1:45 AM
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Oy! Try to give this guy a fair chance. This one is worth pushing yourself for.
 
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star
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5/21/13 3:41 PM
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thanks. I went shopping and met an old 'friend' so weirdly enough it made me feel a little better. I'm gonna try to just show my somewhat depressed side cuz after all he has to know what I'm like to deal with. I don't want to fake it anymore but it's scary to show my vulnerable side. Am I making any sense?


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HopefulMommy
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5/21/13 6:33 PM
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You're making perfect sense. How did it go?
 
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star
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5/21/13 6:39 PM
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didnt happen yet.


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HopefulMommy
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5/21/13 6:43 PM
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Oh. Hatzlacha then!
 
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thanks.ill let you know imyh. so so nervous.


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star
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5/22/13 12:34 AM
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im in hell again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the session went okayish, we agreed ill try to open up more and be depressed if i feel like it and he'll -the guy- will see if he can handle it. which is such a strain cuz at any point he could decide he doesnt want to deal with me after i showed him how much pain im in!!!!!
then my mom picked me up and it started out ok but then i told her how hurt i was that she left me and she wasnt responding right but its all my perception so i said ur treating me like a monster!!!!! and she just kept replying detached to me, thats how i felt but dont beleive me, and i just cried and cried and said why dont you touch me and then later she tried and i screamed at her dont touch me if youre gonna put a knife thru me cuz i showed u where the wound is!!!!does anyone understand?????????????????????????/ my only hope, the ONLY REASON IM LIVING is this guy. but thats so unconditional a) i never know when he will call me or when the next date will be and b) he can reject me at ANY TIME!!!!! so how do you married ppl not feel that ur spouses could divorce u at any time? i want to show him my ugliest side now so that he wont divorce me later when he sees it. DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME???????


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star
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5/22/13 12:35 AM
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wow i sound like a crazy bpd screaming idiot right????????? thats why most of u will ignore me and "cross the street"


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HopefulMommy
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5/22/13 1:06 AM
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You sound like you're in pain, and labels are not helpful.

I don't generally think of my sanity and happiness as being dependent on my husband's love and acceptance. I'm generally very independent, which is not always good. Of course, if C"V my husband were to leave me I'd be devastated, but so would most "normal" people. So no, I don't live in fear of divorce. I don't generally think about it. Not sure if that answers your question though.
 
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keep climbing
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Star, I hope you're feeling a little better. It's horrid to be in so much pain. I can relate to you very well, unfortunately.
When I go into this hysteria mode, I keep reminding myself that I have a huge issue with overwhelming emotions/. Everybody would be anxious about this, but for me, it's magnified a hundred times.
Then I do the things that keep me going-excercise, routine (it's crucial for me to stick to a routine) expressing myself, getting out......
If I can, I ask Hashem for His help in getting thru this. I can't always.
But I do get thru irt, B"H. And so do you!
I love you for your resilience--you keep bouncing back---and I know it's not easy.
We're in this together. And it does get better. IY"H.
 
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star
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thanks for the compliment. today i had to convince myself for an hour to get out of bed and cant even get dressed im so depressed.
im still angry and hurt by my mom but feel so guilty cuz i see she made the effort to get me food i like etc. and she picked me up from the session which is an hour away. but i still feel so hurt she left me and was detached and felt she was treating me like a monster so i cant get over that. i dont know how/if i can talk to her. and i think my doc thinks im a monster too cuz i text him all these angry messages. how do i not see myself as a monster???


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keep climbing
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5/22/13 2:08 PM
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Star, no way you are a monster. You are just in a lot of of pain.
The real you is a good and pure neshama.
This illness just covers that and makes us do and say things we can't totally control.
And everybody knows that (especially your doctor.)
So, I don't think you should worry about the way other people perceive you.
Just do things that will make you feel better.
 
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star
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5/22/13 2:32 PM
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thanks. i appreciate ur support.
This illness just covers that and makes us do and say things we can't totally control.- thanks


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HopefulMommy
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5/22/13 4:12 PM
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I think you need to convince yourself that you're a pure neshama that is inherently valuable. You can't allow other people's opinions determine your worth.
 
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star
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but a neshama is not enough for me.especially the whole religious thing/relationship with hashem is such a sore topic for me. It's like you can love ur child but not nessecarily like them. I want to be likeable. Being loved is so vague. I can't explain it. It's like this depression makes me so unreliable so I can't tell this guy I will be such a kind wife etc, cuz lots of times I'm angry when depressed. So the liking part is so hard for me. But I NEED to feel liked. Anyone understand?


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star
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shoot it now I'm ruining it with my mom. I am such an idiot . I'm being so hyper sensitive. She picked a crumb off me in the car so I got so upset cuz she was implying she didn't want me making a mess in her stupid car her husband bought. I am so MAD at myself for getting mad at her for a stupid thing. And I'm exploding one second and dating the other I am such a hyprocrite faker!!!!! I hate this. When he sees how freakin rude I can be he won't want me. I can't do this I'm stuck in the car with my mom and she keeps making me feel bad but it's my fault of course cuz it's my stupid perception! I cannot lice with myself anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!


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keep climbing
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Just wanted to say that it doesn't have to be a relligious thimg. Nonjews also believe that we have a soul.
So our behavior doesn't take away from the intrinsic value of our souls.
We are put into situations where we can't do better there.
When the situation improves, our behavior improves.
 
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star
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5/23/13 5:46 PM
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it doesnt help me to hear about souls, that in itself is triggering for me.


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HopefulMommy
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5/23/13 10:04 PM
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Why? Is it because you have religious associations?
 
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because ive had bad experience in the past. felt religion isnt an emotionally healthy place for me to be. especially now i am so upset at gd for the breakup i am considering not dressing as tznius just to show him im angry, please dont judge.


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HopefulMommy
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5/23/13 11:38 PM
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I meant why you feel negative about your own soul.
 
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i dont feel neg. about it, its just not a real enough reason to love myself.


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HopefulMommy
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5/24/13 4:17 PM
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Do you believe that you're intrinsically good, and that whatever you don't like about yourself is external to you, not your true self?
 
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5/27/13 4:38 PM
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i guess.

my sister suggested that my other sister who hurt me so much emotionally, come for shabbos.
i talked it over with my doc and he said its my choice, but if i do i can set up escape plans, like walks, movies etc.
but still even if i dont talk to her, i will have to see her and hear her laugh, which bothers me a lot. did u ever hear someone who hurt you laugh and enjoy themselves despite having caused u pain? it is SO hurtful.
but i feel so guilty about them not coming for shabbos when im home and maybe if i face the fear, my nightmares of her screaming at me will go away?
its a huge risk because what if she hurts me again? she likely could! then i will be triggered and have a huge setback because i was anxious about it already, and it will bring back all the hurt from pesach. and what if my mom doesnt stick up for me again, like she didnt by pesach? im still trying to regain my trust in her.

so.....i dont know if i should take the risk and let her come.....


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getMeOutOfHere
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Can you discuss it with your mother before and let her know what type of support she can provide that will be helpful? Maybe if you know you have your mother on your team it will be easier to deal with your sister.
 
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I did discuss it with her. I just dont trust her that when she says she'll be on my side, she'll follow thru. because last time she supported my sister.
i just had another nightmare that my sister started screaming at me because I woke up her kids and i turned to my mother and she looked at me like a monster and said Im not taking you out , that was conditional!
So Im so anxious that my mom will turn her back on me and that is the scariest thing. We decided to wait until later in the week to decide, so the pressure is off a little.I feel like it sounds like Im exaggerating the emotional abuse, but to me thats how traumatic it felt.


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star
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5/28/13 9:29 PM
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where is everyone???


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getMeOutOfHere
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That sounds really difficult and completely logical. I wouldn't want to let someone into my home if they hurt me in the past, and I'm scared they will hurt me again.
 
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HopefulMommy
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I don't know if this helps, so ignore if it doesn't, but can you consider two contradictory things at the same time? First is that you felt really hurt by your sister, and by your mother's response, or lack thereof. Validate it for yourself. Write a note to that hurt little girl in you. Hug her and hold her tight. That's one. The second one is that both your mother and your sister are human, and therefore, imperfect. Your mother loves you and cares about you, but she may not be able to always express it the way you'd like her to. Therefore, when you feel hurt and rejected by her, that doesn't mean that she intentionally hurt or rejected you. Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she didn't know how to react appropriately. She's human. And she's not a therapist. She can't possibly understand 100% how you feel and what you're going through. Mistakes and misunderstandings are inevitable. She needs your understanding of her weaknesses and vulnerabilities, just as you need her to understand yours.

Am I making sense? If I'm making you feel worse then ignore it. I'm not a therapist either.


Edited: 5/29/13 at 1:28 AM by HopefulMommy
 
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star
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5/29/13 11:37 AM
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thanks for validating, getme....

hopefulm, i dont think my job is to try to understand my mom or sister, its like would you try to understand an abuser of your child?i would just say to stay far away. forget about justifying. that might sound dramatic to you but to ME thats how it felt-abuse.


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