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TOPIC TITLE: Journey of Self Discovery
Created On 6/17/13 6:15 AM
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Lasthope
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6/17/13 6:15 AM
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Hi All,
So here I am, still on my journey. You got to know me when I was about to start TMS, and still know me since then basically as someone suffering from severe ppd, mdd (major depressive disorder) and anxiety. I've discovered a lot over the past few months and I'm learning more about life and myself every day. Ironically, this illness has created more self awareness and strength within myself. I have such crazy ups and downs that I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. I don't know where I'm being taken but I'm starting to realize that it's a journey that Hashem has planned out for me. It's painful, it's full of tragedy, but it's also full of joy. I just hope to come out soon of this fire and feel the benefits of all the pain.
I wanted to let two people know that I've taken a major step in my life because of them:

Momo and HelpfulMommy

You both mentioned that maybe I need to grieve for the loss of my father, and perhaps see a grief counselor. Well, I did it. Hashem sent me someone and in just two hours I discovered where so much of my pain is coming from. I lost my father at such a young age and didn't properly grieve for him. Our strong feelings of anger and sadness don't just dissapear. They turn into things and evolve into strange concoctions of self destruction. They turn into a beast. And for me, they turned into depression. I have discovered that I really have gone through much more trauma than my family has made it out to be. That covering things up and sliding them under the carpet will just make them grow into an unidentifiable monster. I have started to revisit my past as a young child and bring up memories of all the really sad stuff that took place. Wow, it was really really messed up. Not being told that your father died until you are on the way to the funeral...that alone can mess up a kid for life! Thank Gd for healing, and for second chances! On top of everything, my personality and make-up is that of an extra sensitive individual. I am just plain extra sensitive. So given all that took place, it affected me so much more than perhaps some of my siblings... With the sensitivity comes more depth, and I am learning to appreciate that side of me.
All in all, I am just one human being on a journey...searching for truth and meaning in my life. Searching for peace of mind. I think most of us are feeling that way too. All of you here, my dear friends and supporters, many of you suffer from a lot of emotional and even physical pain. I encourage you to look back into your past and try to see where it comes from. We are complicated human beings made of the small day to day instances that occur in our lives. They create layers and layers of who we are and what we feel. They shape our thinking patterns and affect our self esteem. Our past is so much of who we are and if we don't deal with it, yes, we will suffer and suffer. And medication can help, yes it can, but it can't take away our past.
I'm still on meds and don't plan on going off soon at all. Who knows if I'll ever go off? But I'm realizing that it's not black and white.
It's not medicine or not. It's not therapy or no therapy. It's a combination of everything, because we are a combination of everything that we experience.
Once again, thanks Momo and Hopeful Mommy for your suggestion. You have helped me so much. You have been my shaliach!
I hope to be there for you all as you have been there for me. Lets all pick ourselves up and continue on our journey of self discovery.
P.S. Special thanks to Star for your support
 
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HopefulMommy
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6/17/13 10:06 AM
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Wow! I'm so glad you found my posts helpful!

I'm wondering if maybe you'd like to write about your journey for my book. It might help other people, and it might help you to write it down.
 
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Lasthope
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6/17/13 11:14 AM
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Maybe... I just need some guidance how to write it... How much personal information to share etc. i guess if its anonymous then i can just write away, huh?
 
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channafofanna
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6/17/13 11:14 AM
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Wow, Thanks! You just made me feel really hopeful!!! like maybe i can make it, so thanks so much!!! Im so happy to hear youre doing ok!!
Tizku lmitzvos!!
 
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Lasthope
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6/17/13 12:17 PM
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Well im doing ok in a relative sense yes, of course you can make it. It may be hard as hell, but u can make it out and become strong as iron becauae of it. Of course you can do it. We all can.
 
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HopefulMommy
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6/17/13 5:11 PM
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I think what you should do is just write away, let it all out on paper (or computer screen), and then, when you're done, decide how much of it you'd like to share.
 
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channafofanna
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6/17/13 9:38 PM
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now thats the right attitude!!!
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/19/13 9:50 PM
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lasthope, that was really powerful. Good luck on your journey! keep us posted.
 
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MoMo
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6/20/13 1:17 AM
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You have an undeniable talent for writing!!!!
Don't filter your thoughts just write and write...
You can always edit at a later time.

It's so good to see one of us making some nice headway!!

People : THINGS CAN CHANGE
 
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wishtobehappy
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6/20/13 2:17 AM
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I fully agree with you on that one MoMo

Things CAN change.
 
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Lasthope
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6/23/13 8:12 AM
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You guys are amazing! Hashem should bless you all with a refuah shleima!
 
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HopefulMommy
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6/24/13 12:38 AM
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Amein! You too!
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/2/13 5:53 PM
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How are you doing, Lasthope? I would really like to include your story in my book. How do you feel about that?
 
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Lasthope
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7/3/13 1:56 AM
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Im ok. I had a bit of a setback cuz its just not easy to get over all the stuff. I wld like to give my story but its not so easy for me to just come up with something for some reason. When do u need it by?
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/3/13 5:13 PM
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This journey is full of setbacks, unfortunately.

I'd like to have it by the end of the month, but I might be able to give you more time if necessary.

Feel good!
 
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