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TOPIC TITLE: waiting for the inevitable
Created On 7/12/13 12:32 AM
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I'mTrying
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7/12/13 12:32 AM
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So i guess i'm depressed huh? I don't feel the way i used to when i was so down i literally couldn't get out of bed or stop crying and shaking.
Things are "better" but i'm just waiting for it all to end. Yay isn't it amazing i'm functioning better i work and go to school and take care of an apartment and everything else that comes with all that wow that is so great that i'm doing things i couldn't do before it's so exciting that i'm going to be normal i'm on automatic pilot i come home and collapse i can't move i wish i was having a crisis that would be better than this nonexistence then i could call and cry and be connected I try to be social but each phone call is worse than the next one I don't matter why am i doing this anyways each day is a blur its all meaningless. Blah. my goals seem trivial i'm on break from school and really don't want to go back I don't enjoy things that used to be pleasurable i know that's called depression but it doesn't seem bad enuf to get that name... I'm not really even suicidal, just having thoughts about vanishing. Not killing myself. not even cutting or restricting or purging or any of those 'dangerous' actions i exist only in my head ppl see me and think i'm real but i know it's an illusion bc there's no ground under me nothing to exist on /in the only thing i feel is anger i wonder what would happen if i got on a train or bus and just left everything just kept going till there was nothing left of me or whatever "me" is if i dropped my "identity" and put on whatever clothes i wanted do whatever i fancied ate whatever wherever but i know the guilt will bring me back to my detached isn't it wonderful we are so lucky to have the torah Life
Well i hope you all manage to persevere and get to a better place. you are a wonderfully wacky, sensitive and caring group of people.
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/12/13 1:55 AM
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I like the "wonderfully wacky" .

I can sort of relate. I was just thinking this morning that I'm not really depressed, and certainly not suicidal, but I could use some more excitement about life. Maybe people who've never been severely depressed would call it depression, but for me it's normal, and feeling excited is a luxury.
 
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MoMo
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7/12/13 3:13 AM
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I really relate to what you are describing!

Like on pen and paper things are officially doing better -you're accomplishing more etc. But each day is still a blur and meaningless..

It's so sad that guilt is what's keeping you (a lot of us) on the Torah way...
It's not meant to be that way. It's such a shame.
 
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MoMo
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7/12/13 3:16 AM
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The issue that I have is that I got somewhat better but not better enough to actually feel happy yet...
It's a big problem..


Edited: 7/12/13 at 3:20 AM by MoMo
 
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channafofanna
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7/12/13 9:52 AM
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same here, i can totaly relate!!! but judging on what ur saying u still have depression. maybe not as severe as before, but u have it.....
Your not saying goodbye to us now are you? a farewell before you disapear? =)
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/12/13 4:46 PM
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wish, I can also relate. I'm slowly coming to the realization that there's a purpose to my existence, but it's two steps forward one step back.
 
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MoMo
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7/16/13 1:06 AM
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Wish how are you?
How are you fasting?
How is that relationship?
 
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I'mTrying
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7/17/13 7:52 PM
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Thanks for asking, MoMo.
My fast went ok. And I guess that relationship is ok? I mean it was ok and now it isn't again. I know I'm really really really messed up and that's why it's this way. Haven't had too much energy to do much of anything, even to post here. I'm sorry I'm not being supportive of anyone here.... not doing so good.
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/17/13 10:48 PM
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(((((hugs))))) We're thinking about you. Hope you feel better soon!
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/18/13 1:47 AM
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Feel better!
 
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MoMo
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7/18/13 2:24 AM
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What about the relationship isn't OK?
 
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channafofanna
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7/18/13 11:44 AM
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((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))) I hope things start looking up soon for you WishICouldBeNormal, and dont worry if you dont think you are being supportive. You have no obligations to support anyone here.
((((((((HGUS))))))
 
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I'mTrying
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7/19/13 11:47 AM
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I feel better today.
Boruch Hashem.
I really hope this lasts.
Thanks guys for your support, and Channa, I do think I have obligations to support ppl here (although that's not why i do it) Just like you are supporting me
 
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channafofanna
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7/20/13 10:38 PM
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Yeah, but its also support to know that im not the only one whos really really messed up and dosent always feel like posting....
I hope your good day lasted and willl keep lasting!!!! hres a hug to help it stay good ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
 
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