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TOPIC TITLE: Update
Created On 7/22/13 1:29 PM
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MoMo
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7/22/13 1:29 PM
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Life is tough these days.
Here are the areas that I struggle with:

- Lack of Family. My parents home is a terrible place to hang out. So I have to live away from them. It is very isolating!!

- I am slightly overweight which bothers me a lot. I recently lost a lot of weight but gained most of it back. That makes me so sad. It makes me feel unattractive and unhappy. Also I feel slightly like a failure.

- Social confidence. I worry that I am socially awkward and weird. This fear dominates most of my social interactions. I have few friends and have difficulty socializing. This is very isolating and breaks my self esteem.

- Loneliness. I currently live alone. I don't have many friends. I am often bored and feel alone in life. I wish I was married to a good person.

- Shidduchim. I am self conscious and find it hard to put myself out there. Also my parents are not very helpful here.

- Finances. I am a student and living alone and struggling with depression is very expensive. I don't have it figured out yet. It makes me scared and unsettled.

- Relationships. There is this girl from my therapy group who is very attractive and wants to have a relationship with me. The problem is that she isn't good for me. She is very critical and demanding! But she wants me very badly and when I'm lonely I want to be in touch with her too. It's so so so so hard to avoid contacting her for the most part I'm successful but I slip every now and then and end up contacting her and it gets so complicated!!!!

I think about her a lot and how great it would be theoretically if it could work out... She sometimes takes up most of the space in my head and then some!
I guess I'm longing to love an be loved...


Edited: 7/22/13 at 1:32 PM by MoMo
 
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keep climbing
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7/22/13 2:04 PM
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Hi, Momo. Wish things were easier for you.
It's hard to feel alone. I have it too, being isolated from family.
But I think Hashem will help and you will find someone nice to marry.
Meanwhile you are maturing in ways that will help you when you have a family.
You are already so sensitive, and I'm sure you'll be able to treat the people around you with respect (having seen the results of not doing so.)
Good Luck! We're rooting for you.
 
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channafofanna
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7/22/13 4:25 PM
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Wow! Its so good that you can pinpoint exactly what your feeling and the triggers etc..
Definatley sounds like you are strugling =( Hang in there and keep fighting!!! You may not win every battle, but I am confident that you will win the war!!!
 
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Mimi1022
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7/22/13 4:37 PM
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If you don't mind me asking, besides these normal problems do you have anything that a doctor diagnosed? Just wondering if there is anything I can say that would be of help to you.
 
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MoMo
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7/22/13 4:41 PM
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As far as:

- Lack of family: I try to keep up with extended relatives so at least I feel I have SOME family!
Also I should probably talk to my brother more often..

- My weight: I want to keep trying to get back up after I fall. It's tempting to just give up but even if I don't gain or I only gain a little that's also something! I will try to meet with a nutritionist.

- Social Confidence: I want to keep in mind that social prowess is not the only barometer of a man's value! You can suck socially and still be smart and successful!
Also, I am told that once I'm married it wont play as much a role in my life. Also, over enough time I can slowly slowly improve my social-ability; who says I will always be as socially awkward as I am now?
What I also need to keep in mind is that maybe it's not AS shameful as I was taught to believe!! It may not be admirable to be socially awkward but does it mean I'm crazy? (I currently believe that it does mean that..). Is it possible for me to be OK with my lack of social confidence? What can I do to be more OK with it? One thought I have is that I can try to focus on other peoples social awkwardness and see whether they are rejected for it. This will take mental work. It's an uphill battle but maybe I can gain some ground bit by bit by bit by bit. What do you think?
Also I want to be more OK with being timid.

- Loneliness: It is temporary since I hope to get married soon. Also next month I will start looking for a roommate. I am going to talk to some people about finding volunteer work. I will continue to learn with friends. If I'm up to it I'll try to reconnect with an old friend this week. I'll continue to post here. I want to ask a classmate to do homework with me.
Any other ideas?

- Shidduchim: I just texted my cousin who deals with Shidduchim to ask how I can be more proactive. I'll ask my therapy group members for advice with this. What do you guys think? What can I do to put myself out there more and be a bit more proactive?

- Finances: I made up to discuss my financial situation with my father tonight. I am very nervous that he'll criticize or ask me to cut down in areas that I cant..

- Relationships: I'm in a pickle!! Even after I explained to her that being in a relationship with her is bad for me she still wants it. It's too tempting for me... I don't have the strength to resist. I really don't know what to do. I crave connection so badly!
Any ideas?
 
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MoMo
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7/22/13 4:49 PM
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Mimi,
I wish you didn't use the word 'normal'. For me these problems are large and looming!!
They don't seem just regular even though they might be from an objective standpoint...
 
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channafofanna
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7/22/13 7:32 PM
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I dont have any ideas but just wanted to show my support!! All of those ideas sound great!!
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/22/13 8:18 PM
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Sounds like a great plan! Keep us posted.
 
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keep climbing
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7/22/13 8:30 PM
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Momo, I've struggled a lot with social akwardness and can share some things that help me;

1. Just because someone appears popular and selfconfident doesn't mean that he has friends and is not lonely. In fact, I've come to see that many quiet people have deeper and stronger relationships that stand the test of time. The loudmouths keep moving , have a ton of aquaintances, but not always real friends.
2. The loudmouths get into trouble with their loud mouths! They say things they regret, insult people, are overheard saying things that are hurtful.......You get the picture.
3. Noone has everything. So if someone has good social skills, he probably is lacking something else which you may have, and he may be envious of that! Really!
4. There are plenty of people who are shy or s. awkward. But because we're quiet, we don't get the attention....

Hope this helps!!!
 
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channafofanna
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7/22/13 10:12 PM
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I agree 500% Keep Climbing!! Im one of those loudmouths and boy am I lonely =) People always say they are jealous of me.... They dont know theres really no friedns to be jealous of...
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/23/13 12:10 PM
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Momo, it's amazing how you keep fighting to get past these hurdles.

I agree with keep climbing and channa. For me, social awkwardness has greatly improved as I got older. I was the perfect example of social awkwardness back in high school, but now I have almost no problem talking to almost anyone.
 
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mouse
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7/24/13 8:31 PM
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MoMo, I know you're having a hard time but wow I admire the fact you can isolate where the problem areas are that are effecting you. I can't be that specific and know what is bugging me ever. I could be wrong but I fnd when I can pinpoint the problem area half the problem is already taken care of since it has been pinpointed. (Does that make sense???) The solution, although it may take time to acheive, is acheivable. I wish you hatzlacha in finding solutions and feel confident you will with Hashem's help.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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7/24/13 8:32 PM
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I don't know how overwieght you are and other possible issues, but you may want to consider something in the minor realm such as weight watchers, or soemthign more significant such as weight loss surgery (when you are financially viable in the future.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Lasthope
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7/30/13 6:34 PM
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Momo, you are very brave and honest. Many of us have similar issues but im not brave enough to just admit it like you are. How about signing up for a gym??? Exercise gets out a lot os stress anxiety and pent up feelings of frustration. I used to hate when ppl told me to exercise but im starting to realize that its really so important at least for me. Until age 15 i didnt suffer from depression cuz i was always playing sports and rollerblading and stuff. It only really got a chance to hit me when i stopped letting out my anger in healthy ways. Im speaking for myself so this may not be applicableto u but i just wana help so im trying. My husband does karate and i think it a great release for him. We all just need to find whats good for ourselves.
As for this girl, it must be so hard especially cuz shes in ur group and u see her a lot. Im assuming u cant just find a new group.... Be strong!!! You have a lot of good coming to u, just dont lose the faith like u told me once. And dont stop trying to access the place where all these negative feelings come from- ur childhood. Your inner boy is crying to be healed and its up to u to take care of him (i know that sounds crazy but its the truth). Keep fighting!
 
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MoMo
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7/30/13 7:48 PM
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I just registered for college next semester.
You guys suggested I take a light load -So I did!!
But I need a certain amount of credits so I signed up for a Volleyball and basketball class...
That should get me some exercise..
A friend thinks I'm off my rocker for signing up for that!!!

Some people would object since it's co-ed. I'm not sure I did the right thing...

Also, when I'm up to it I go walking or biking. It ends up being about once a week -I guess better than nothing..

I know my negative feelings are coming from deep childhood hurt -I just don't yet see a clear path out, other than doing what I am already doing...
 
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Lasthope
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7/31/13 12:40 AM
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Amazing- enjoy the volleyball and basketball classes!! And keep up the walking and biking! Im not a rabbi but i say forget about the co-ed right now, focus on taking care of urself. U seem to be doing the right things with therapy and group therapy- so Gd willing u will find ur inner peace one day soon!
 
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MoMo
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7/31/13 12:19 PM
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So I did very well on my test today!
A friend gave me the test from last semester and some of the questions were the same -that helped.
After the test I was overcome with a bunch of negative thoughts:

-You don't really know the material! You are not smart!
-I was from the last ones to finish the test so my negative thinking was that I am slow.

Then I was flooded with a bunch of negative thoughts about myself..

Like how I'm weird and missing social confidence and how I don't Daven regularly so I felt guilt...

I project onto other people that they must also think I'm weird and awkward...

It's hard to have these thoughts about myself. You guys have tried numerous times to reassure me etc. But I guess these thoughts don't just go away so fast..

I am trying to just allow the thoughts to exist and realize that they aren't necessarily fact...

Growing up I was never loved. I was never taught that I am loveable despite my deficiencies! But I do have so much good and over time I'm hoping that these negative thoughts will get less intense and less frequent...

Please bare with me. I feel bad that all your reassurance didn't penetrate yet... please be patient

I have a date tonight so I have to prepare for that -shopping, haircut, etc.
If I think about it -its actually a mitzva!

 
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HopefulMommy
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7/31/13 12:27 PM
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You're doing great! Good luck with your date! And let us know how it goes .
 
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frumsw
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7/31/13 9:52 PM
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I think the fact that you are so in touch with your needs and so good at problem solving is awesome. I find that the more self conscious I am i.e. thinking that I'm a "klutz", the "klutzier" I act! So when I stop thinking about how I look to other people, the smoother I am. I'm sure there is a girl out there who will appreciate these rare qualities.

The girl in your group is looking for somebody to criticize and dominate. Good for you for realizing that it's poison for you. I once saw these nice Gatorade sized bottles at the supermarket filled with pretty pastel colored liquid. Looked like a good drink but the label was written in Spanish so I didn't know what it was. A few weeks later there was a big sign in English saying that it was soap! Probably some people made the mistake of judging the bottle by the label.
Exercise makes you feel great, putting the weight issue to the side, particularly when you find something you enjoy.
Good luck with everything and keep us posted!


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frumsw
 
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Mimi1022
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7/31/13 10:10 PM
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What ever happened to the clinic?
 
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MoMo
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8/1/13 1:52 PM
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I met twice with a therapist from my local clinic he's young and I'm finding it very hard to open up...
 
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TBear
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8/1/13 7:12 PM
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I don't know MoMo.... a couple of sessions - you are only just getting to know him.....

Perhaps I am incorrect - just it seems to me you are being hard on yourself and thinking it is something wrong......

Maybe I'm the odd one, and everyone else warms up right away - it took me more than a year before I felt comfortable opening up - and even now from time to time it is hard..... each client/ therapist dyad is going to be different

The positive point is that you are showing up and trying - takes time!

How did your date go?


Edited: 8/1/13 at 7:13 PM by TBear
 
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MoMo
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8/1/13 8:48 PM
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The date?

It went very smoothly (I downed some xanax and stuff before the date..) She seems like a very level headed sweet girl. She is an introvert -would rather unwind with a good book than hang out with friends. She is very smart, confident, and well spoken.. I like her!

When I asked what a Shabbos meal at home looks like she said that her father doesn't let them converse -he believes they should be singing. In general he was very tough on them. She doesn't like her father and keeps a distance -I don't blame her..

I'm already nervous about the next date!
She is more confident and successful than me. She has more of a social life than me. She has a successful job and seems much more stable...


Edited: 8/1/13 at 8:58 PM by MoMo
 
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keep climbing
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8/1/13 9:07 PM
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Does she want to meet you again?
 
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MoMo
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8/1/13 9:14 PM
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She gave a yes
 
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HopefulMommy
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Ooh, exciting! Good luck! I'm davening for you.
 
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MoMo
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8/1/13 10:16 PM
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Yeah, it is exciting!
Thanks!
 
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TBear
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8/2/13 7:59 AM
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Davening for you - for clarity, is she right for you.... and at least a nice time, relax if possible, and enjoy yourself

May G-d bless you with a companion - love and happiness!

 
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mouse
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8/2/13 8:43 AM
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She sounds like a good possiblity. I agree with TBear -- have a nice time....
Maybe for next date you can bring her someplace fun. See how she is in a fun environment. See if you relax. She sounds like she may be sensitive which is a good thing.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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8/10/13 10:43 PM
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I was by my parents for Shabbos. The negativity makes me so sad and it lowers my self esteem -so I feel low now...

People and things can get me down but can't keep me down.

I have a third date tomorrow night. She is a great great girl but for some reason I'm not so excited about her. I'm not sure why..

There is this girl in my therapy group that I have very strong feelings for even though she's not ready for a relationship and she isn't good for me... she is currently renting skyscrapers in my mind...

I think the attraction is that she knows my weaknesses -I don't have to be fake at all and she likes me somewhat sometimes... :-/

The girl I'm dating for real is a quality girl but for some reason I'm not so into her at least not yet...
 
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keep climbing
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8/11/13 6:21 AM
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Momo, maybe it's time to open up a tiny little bit to your date and see how she responds.
Of course it's hard to pretend. I get that.
Good Luck!
 
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mouse
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8/11/13 6:58 AM
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Have you considered the girl in therapy group is waht you are comfortable with...dysfunctionality (is that a word???) Your parents were dysfunctional and not good for you. You are used to that. The girl in therapy is dysfunctional too. You find that comfortable since you grew up with it. Kinda like (if not the same as) an abused little girl who grows up to marry an abusive husband. It is no surprise really to many...it's what the girl was used to. You need to break that cycle (through therapy) and start a functional family with a functional wife. Maybe it isn't what you're used to but much healthier.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/11/13 11:05 AM
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Munkster has a good point. You're pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone by dating this girl, and of course, it feels uncomfortable. But don't let that stop you. Good luck with the date!
 
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MoMo
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8/11/13 12:44 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: keep climbing
Momo, maybe it's time to open up a tiny little bit to your date and see how she responds...

Any ideas how to open up?
What do I share?


Edited: 8/11/13 at 12:45 PM by MoMo
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/12/13 12:06 AM
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How did the date go?
 
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MoMo
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8/12/13 12:43 AM
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Thanks for asking!!!

I took her to a nice upscale Billiards place we started playing... She was talkative and making conversation but I was closed up. I was feeling down and in a state of low self esteem -I couldn't make small talk.

So I told her that I had a difficult weekend and that I'm not 'on my game' I suggested that instead of playing Billiards that we buy drinks and sit down to talk..
We did.

I opened up about the difficulties at home and how it affected me... She opened up about a medical problem that she had a few years ago but that's in remission.. We talked about life a little..

From there the date went a bit smoother. But I still felt deflated and down and also self conscious that I am not more confident. But it wasn't a disaster -it was just not a great date.

She isn't warm enough for me. She told me that she isn't a touchy-feely type but rather more intellectual.
I think I need someone who IS more touchy-feely..

She is a good girl but I don't feel we're a match. I need someone that shows more emotion and heart..
When I ask myself whether I want to meet her again the answer I feel is NO. I do not feel like I want to meet her again.

So It's a NO
 
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MoMo
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8/12/13 3:07 AM
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Munkster, I think you're on to something... Perhaps I'm attracted to this girl from my therapy group because I am used to dysfunction...
They say that by default people often pick a partner that treats them like their parent treated them...

Deep stuff!!
 
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mouse
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8/12/13 5:38 AM
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Yeah, doesn't the truth stink??? The good news is you can fix it once you have identified it and NOT repeat it.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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