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TOPIC TITLE: Feeling Evil
Created On 8/2/13 5:27 PM
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MoMo
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8/2/13 5:27 PM
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Do you ever feel evil?
I do.

I feel evil right now! I had a very hectic few weeks at college and felt I needed a break -a lazy day. So today I did nothing. I hung out in bed sleeping and surfing the web...

Now I feel evil. I can't face myself. I feel like a bad evil person.

I'm not sure what the feeling is. Guilt? Self disgust? Self hatred? Sadness? Self contempt?

It's more than self disgust. Not only am I totally worthless I have negative worth -I am evil and don't deserve to breath.

These feelings aren't new. I distinctly remember having these feelings as a child. They would haunt me for weeks at a time. I would cry myself to sleep. I felt only darkness. I cried and cried and cried and cried all alone -no one heard and no one saw. I drowned in the loneliness and darkness. Those were cold cold cold days. I cried over my perceived aveiros. I cried because I felt like a terrible terrible terrible person. I felt guilty. I was imprisoned in a dark frigid cellar of my mind -no nourishment no warmth no cloths no light -just dark dark dark isolation!!!!!!!

I was what? 8, 9, 10 years old?

Oy words can't describe that g'henim!!!!!!
I guess some of those old feelings cropped back up today.
Like you guys always say I probably need to go through those feelings instead of trying to bury them.

I just wish that as a child sometime would've been there to hug me to provide just a little warmth...

What a loss of an innocent childhood!!!!
It was senseless pain.

Oy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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keep climbing
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8/2/13 6:00 PM
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((((HUGS)))
OY, Momo, it's awful to feel like this......
Since you were raised with contempt, that's unfortunately what you are feeling now.
But that's a voice from your past.
Now you are an adult, on your own, and making a good life for yourself.
It's o.k. to have a lazy day.
You do so much good just on this site alone.
Feel well!
 
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TBear
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8/2/13 6:03 PM
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So sorry you are feeling that way. The feelings must be given respect even when you know you aren't evil to rest after working hard this week. Taking it easy occasionally is normal, and healthy.

When I see the child I was, in my mind's eye - hurting..... those feelings of unworthiness and evil as you put it.....

I have been told to close my eyes and imagine the adult me hugging and comforting that child - what would you say to a child you saw hurting that way. Maybe even rock yourself to self soothe.

So sorry this is coming up - be kind to yourself (look who is talking)

Be Well - Good Shabbos
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/2/13 7:01 PM
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Just wanted to second what everyone else said. This is a voice from the past. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do today. Recognize it for what it is, and don't believe it.
 
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Lasthope
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8/3/13 3:11 PM
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Kol hakavod for facing the feeling. Its painful but it must be done. Like tbear said, try to imagine the adult self hugging the child and giving it now what it needs and didnt get back then. You were just a child, so so innocent and vulnerable. I know its so hard i am doing some of this same work now and its hell but its the only way to heal the wounds. Momo, keep telling youself how special you are and not evil. Keep reminding yourself. It will sink in one day, because we all have the power to chamge ouselves and to give ourselves what we didnt get as kids.
 
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