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TOPIC TITLE: Black hole
Created On 10/7/13 4:56 AM
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Lasthope
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10/7/13 4:56 AM
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Back in the black hole. Cant seem to get out. Feel like im running a rat race. Feeling suicidal, sick, confused, blurry, no energy. No interest in ANYTHING. Want to die.
 
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toy123
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10/7/13 7:03 AM
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Last hope u got yourself a partner.....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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keep climbing
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10/7/13 7:30 AM
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((((HUGS))))
It's so hard to feel like that.......

Lasthope, what happened to your tutoring or other ideas?
Toy, how's it going with the new therapist?
 
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Lasthope
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10/7/13 7:38 AM
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Im still tutoring cuz its a commitment so i push myself. I push myself to do all the obligations i have but i feel so dead inside. I feel like a robot without any joy or satisfaction from the life that i live. I put on a show for those "outside" so i can get thru the day not looking like a crazy person toyhe rest of the world. Then when i can finally take off my mask i just burst out crying or go to sleep.
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/7/13 8:04 AM
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(((Hugs))) Feel better!
 
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TBear
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10/7/13 8:31 AM
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Sending (((hugs))) I find when in that dark place that being a robot and putting one foot in front of the other helps - at least then I can have something - a "victory" to try to compliment myself on

especially if I am talking to Hashem with every step - I say things like " Hashem, I am only dust - trying here - help please - I am miserable even though I am thankful for the gifts I have....etc."

when I can't even say that I repeat to myself the verse from tehillim 147 "...harofeh l'shvureh lev umichabesh latzvosam..." He who heals the broken hearted will also bind up their sorrows..... ( probably a bad paraphrase) usually gets me through though and lifts me a little from the black hole.....

So sorry you are there... rotten place to be
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/7/13 9:50 AM
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Hang in there, it'll pass. Hope you feel better soon!
 
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toy123
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10/7/13 1:10 PM
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U know wishtobehappy saying it'll pass is to me very invalidating. It's x ur fault because that's my borderline talking but I've been in this black hole for a while now and it's only getting blacker...


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/7/13 1:46 PM
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double post


Edited: 10/7/13 at 1:47 PM by wishtobehappy
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/7/13 1:47 PM
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Sorry I hurt your feelings toy. I can see why it's invalidating.

It's interesting how different strokes work for different folks. For me, the knowledge that it'll pass and it won't last forever is often a lifesaver when I'm in a really bad place. In fact, I've been wearing a ring that says 'gam zeh ya'avor' on it for close to fifteen years.
 
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Lasthope
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Thanks. Toy, i hear how that would make u feel invalidated but for me it is is ok. Just a reminder that it will pass because for me there are ups an downs. But u must be in so much pain if you feel the hole just getting blacker.
Tbear, Yes, putting one foot in front of the other keeps me going even though its so painful but then i look back at my day and dont feel like a total failure. Today i was lying in bed and forced myself to get up and put a load of laundry in, then do some dishes and it kept me from falling into that really aweful place.
Its so weird, cuz Rav Ovadia Yosefs levaya is taking place right now and i feel no emotion. I feel like, why cant i join him? I know its aweful. Thats this disease of depression. So distorting.
 
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MoMo
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10/7/13 2:14 PM
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I was supposed to go to college today but couldn't get out of bed :-(
I guess I'm taking an emotional health off day...

I am going to try not to beat myself up over it.

Toy, Wish, and Last hope, I'm praying for you guys


Edited: 10/7/13 at 2:16 PM by MoMo
 
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Lasthope
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10/7/13 2:32 PM
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Thank u. We r all in so much pain. When will mashiach come and just take away this sickness?? When will it be over? This sickness where everyone suffers in silence..
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/7/13 5:12 PM
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Thanks Mo. Not beating yourself over it is the way to go!
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/7/13 5:13 PM
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lasthope, I couldn't agree with you more.
 
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keep climbing
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Toy, I'm the same way. I don't like to be told"it'll pass" when I'm feeling lousy. It doesn't register with me either. How are you managing today/
Momo, is today better?

I am feeling dizzy lately. Haven't figured out if it's from meds or still the postYomTov hullabaloo....
 
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MoMo
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10/8/13 12:18 PM
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I actually find it helpful to keep in mind that it'll pass but o can see how that would feel invalidating.

It took every ounce of strength to get out of bed today -I don't see much hope of getting better. I feel broken beyond repair.

I suspect that a successful marriage might help me a bit but how do I date when I'm riddled with feelings of inadequacy. How do I date when I'm terrified of being discovered that I lack social confidence?

It's a catch 22.
I see no way out.
I feel stuck.


Edited: 10/8/13 at 12:19 PM by MoMo
 
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alharro
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10/8/13 3:34 PM
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sometimes remembering that these feelings have come and gone in the past so based on own experience can be a chizuk.
 
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toy123
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10/8/13 8:13 PM
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My black hole is just getting blacker.....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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MoMo
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10/8/13 8:42 PM
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So is mine!!

But for me I'm trying to realize that there is always hope.
I am reducing my load of college classes and I'm going to put more effort into being more social even though it evokes fear.

I am also going to be more open with my Rabbi -he might have some advice.
 
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MoMo
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10/8/13 8:54 PM
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Basically I'm used to things not working out and I wasn't taught to think positively and feel secure so my brain fears the worst but maybe in reality things CAN work out to a reasonable degree.

Basically I'm not convinced that the reality is hopeless just because my brain says so...

There are hopeless people that found healing somehow -sometimes when they never thought it was possible.

Faith is believing in a possibility that you can not envision.

All I can do is try to put one foot in front of the other. Try to get back up after a fall.
Try to act compassionately towards myself.
Try to limit my isolation.
Keep in trying new things.
Cry and mourn and feel the pain but also take small steps forward.

I am not preaching to anyone I am just trying to tell myself some things that might be helpful to me -even if I don't yet believe it...

Whatever
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/8/13 11:06 PM
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So sorry you feel that way Toy. Just wanted to let you know I care.

Momo, you're a real source of inspiration.

You're so right about hopeless people finding healing somehow - sometime, when they never thought it possible. I used to feel hopeless beyond words, praying to die every day so I shouldn't need to commit suicide, but although I never dreamed it possible, over the last two years circumstances in my life have begun to change. Things are still far from easy and I still struggle a lot, but I have definitely found hope.

May we all feel better, and be free of our struggles very, very soon.
 
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toy123
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10/9/13 12:40 AM
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MoMo I'm jealous of your great attitude. I wish you could teach me how to focus on the good... I have such a hard time with that. My black hole keeps on getting darker and darker every day. And where are my friends when I need them the most??????????????


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Lasthope
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10/9/13 1:47 AM
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Toy, im sorry its so hard... I know how u feel... Please dont stop exploring the options, the different ways to heal. Just yesterday, a day after this black hole post, i started doing some google and youtube searches on depression. I found some interesting stuff. Just seeing how many millions of people suffer like we do, although its aweful, it helps break the isolation. I found a website called upfromsplat.com where this lady overcame depression and shes quite inspiring. She is not one of those who says to go off meds but she does give advice on how to overcome depression besides for medication like eating whole foods, meditation, walking etc. so yesterday i went a whole day without sugar or white flour. I know its not a solution but its a small step forward. I also did some research on EFT which is interestig and supposedly helped a lot of people. I strted doig tapping, jut ten minutes from the instuctions on you tube and there is some sort of shift that it makes in the body..Lets fight this battle together. Toy, is there a step you feel you can take to fight? It can be changing medication, focusing in something new in therapy, change in diet, exercise, calling up someone really understanding to talk to. Im on the same journey as you.. Every day is a fight.
Momo, i also find you very inspirational. You clearly suffer so much yet you keep picking urself up and trying and that is so amazig. You and everyone else here deserves a refuah shleima bekarov!! Gd knows how much we suffer and i believe this is all part of the "labor pains" before mashiach. We, the sensitive, broken hearted are getting hit the hardest because emotional pain is the hardest. I just wish Hashem would stop the pain already.
 
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mouse
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10/9/13 7:14 AM
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Hey folks...didn't read entiire thread but got the gist of it. I agree with LH...explore positive options. I'm going through a "black hole" week (so far) but I know there will be an end to it. Eventually something (even if it is external and not internal) happens to shake life up a little for the positive. It could be anything from a date to a really good supper. You never really know. On that note, tonight I'm making my daughter's (and my) favorite meal. I hoping it will shake things up. (Anyone interested it is Chicken Poppers .)


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Lasthope
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10/9/13 7:37 AM
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Sounds good, Can i have the recipe?
 
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channafofanna
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10/13/13 10:04 AM
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YUM!!!!
 
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MoMo
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10/14/13 2:35 PM
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Munkster how are you?
How did the chicken poppers come out? ;-)
 
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mouse
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10/16/13 7:22 AM
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Doing ok...the chicken poppers were amazing . Recipe is easy....1-2 lbs boneless chicky cutlets cut into cubes (easiest to do when part frozen.) dip in egg then cornflake crumbs (i jjust dip in egg and shake in crumbs in bag.) then in another pot mix 1/4 - 1/2 of corn syrup (healthy, I know), franks hot sauce, and honey....equal portions. bring to boil. then pour over chicky pieces and put in oven 5 min. turning once during that time. Not sure what last step does, but I do it anyhoo....oh yeah, oven at 350 degrees.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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10/16/13 7:25 AM
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MoMo, I should say that I have had a rough weekend...so rough that I thought Monday was Sunday....totally unrestful. Anyhow, I survived knowing there was an end and that I wasn't allowed to kill my kid's friend. Seriously. It was that bad. But I got through and now having a pretty good week.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Lasthope
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10/20/13 12:38 PM
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thanks for the recipe... well, im back in the black hole again. its like a rollercoaster ride....... no stability.
Back on meds.....waiting for something to kick in, to take away this mental hell.
 
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keep climbing
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(((((HUGS))))
I'm saorry you're in so much pain, Lasthope.
Remember, we're all with you. You are not alone.
I'll daven for you, i"yh.
 
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Lasthope
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10/20/13 2:42 PM
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thank you keep climbing!
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/21/13 12:15 AM
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Hatzlacha with the meds! (((Hugs)))
 
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Lasthope
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10/21/13 12:39 PM
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Thanks!
 
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