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TOPIC TITLE: Darkness!!
Created On 10/9/13 3:51 PM
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MoMo
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10/9/13 3:51 PM
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It's past 3:30pm but I just woke up!!
I'm still lying in bed.

I feel terrible darkness.
The thoughts are:

How will I ever recover from such low self esteem?
How will I ever accept myself?
How will my fears ever subside?

How will I ever feel whole enough to date and get married?

You'll always be alone.
You'll never get out of this misery and loneliness.

I also feel tremendous guilt. It hurts terribly!!!!!!
Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Oy it's terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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MoMo
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10/9/13 8:00 PM
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Anyone home?

P.s. I'm doing a little better...
I have a new idea to work on that might help me.
 
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keep climbing
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10/9/13 8:17 PM
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Momo, how are you doing? Just read your earlier post. Sorry that you're suffering so much.
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/9/13 8:32 PM
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Momo, you have a lot of inner strength, more than you give yourself credit for. Try to just hang in there. You WILL get out of this misery!

What's your new idea? Care to share?
 
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MoMo
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10/9/13 11:15 PM
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Thanks for your responses!

My new idea is this:
My parents haven't been there for me emotionally as a child but my father has changed and wants to be there for me now. I avoid him because of all the past hurt so my idea is to go to family therapy with him so that we can move forward and that he can be there for me now. Maybe it'll help me heal.

What do you guys think?
 
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MoMo
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10/9/13 11:19 PM
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This is what I texted my father:

I want to have a better more meaningful relationship with you.
The past is the past that doesn't matter so much.

But I feel like in the present there is an emotional barrier between us.

For example I know that I am ashamed of showing emotions in your presence. I don't know why.

I feel like the lines of open honest and constructive communication have been closed for a very long time.

I want to have a better relationship with you. Would you be open to working things through with a family therapist.

I promise I have no ulterior motives other than to improve our relationship. I'm not looking to hurt you in any way ch"v.

What do you think?
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/10/13 9:17 AM
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I think it's a fantastic idea. I'm amazed that you can send your father such a text.

I envisioned for a minute what would happen if I did the same. My father would probably scramble to the nearest phone to send a squad of medics after me
 
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TBear
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10/10/13 9:37 AM
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Amazing idea MoMo! You are brave to go into this - but the hardest stuff usually has the greatest rewards!

Sorry to have missed your earlier post - I have been in my own black hole of darkness and when at my worst, I do not even reach out or try - so you are doing great! Reaching out and dealing with what Hashem has handed you - inspiring.

Keep us posted :-) Davening for Hashem to bless your efforts we have to try and He gives the results!
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/10/13 2:39 PM
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Wow, Momo, it's amazing that you can do this! Hatzlacha!! Let us know how it goes.

My father would probably react the same way as wishtobehappy's father .
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/10/13 3:13 PM
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hopeful, it sounds like our fathers would make great buddies Let me know if yours needs a chavrusa
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/10/13 6:11 PM
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He might not trust a complete stranger .
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/10/13 7:22 PM
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Oh well. At least I tried. They can always hook up in the nursing home, though
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/10/13 10:51 PM
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He'd love to hang out with somebody who speaks Yiddish .
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/11/13 9:23 AM
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I hope they'll be able to understand each other's accents

Kidding aside, thinking about my parents old-age really freaks me out. I hope they'll be healthy and independent until their final days.

 
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HopefulMommy
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10/11/13 3:12 PM
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Same here. My father lives alone, doesn't trust anyone in the world, and occasionally comments that he would love to move closer to us.
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/11/13 4:03 PM
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Don't blame you for freaking out, in that case. Did you decide how to deal with it yet?
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/11/13 4:36 PM
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No, not yet.
 
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keep climbing
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10/15/13 8:38 AM
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Momo, did anything develop with your texting your father?
 
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MoMo
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10/15/13 11:28 AM
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Thanks for asking!

To understand his response I'll post the other text messages I sent him (with just the names changed):

I'm keeping busy but I am fundamentally missing the confidence to interact in the real world.
This has always been the case. It gets slightly better at times but never enough for me to really succeed.

I have to take xanax for certain classes that require social interaction (like my lab class). If I don't I am too nervous and awkward to perform.

It's a shame that I was left to feel so badly about myself.
Mommy habitually perpetuates it by disagreeing with the things I say. She doesn't look to build me but rather to have a fun conversation in which she can feel like she knows better. She makes faces and gets annoyed at me and this doesn't build me it takes me down.

The seudas are usually conflict ridden and non harmonious. I walk out feeling insecure.

This is besides what went on over all the years...

The misconception that there is something wrong with me lingers on.

I don't know when and if I'll ever feel whole enough to form a strong relationship with a woman.

This isn't new. This has always been the case I just never shared it before..

I don't get why people are burying their head in the sand and not addressing the issues in the family head on.

Mommy clearly needs either medication or therapy to stop being so negative.

We have to figure out a better way to deal with Yanky (my developmentally delayed brother).

There has to be a better way for Chavi to interact with Mommy instead of constant chaos.

But no one wants to face it head on.
It makes no sense to me.

The reason it bothers me is because I don't feel like I have a home base. I generally avoid being home because it gets me depressed.

It's very hard to recover alone. Statistically people who's family take an appropriate role in the recovery process end up getting better. The ones that struggle for life are the ones who's families don't participate.

I don't want to stay stuck for life!
 
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MoMo
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10/15/13 11:30 AM
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So basically he said that he will meet with a family therapist with my mother and take it from there. He doesn't yet want to go with me to a family therapist...

It makes me sad because I could use his support...
 
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keep climbing
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10/15/13 12:02 PM
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Maybe, in time, he'll be more supportive. It takes a very long time for family to wake up to what's happening with us.
I feel for you a lot. It's sooo hard not to have family's acknowledgement. We want them to see us, but somehow they can't.
They are locked in their own bubbles and can't see out. (at least that's what it feels like to me.)
 
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toy123
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10/15/13 12:09 PM
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Mo Mo I've had numerous family sessions. My father doesn't believe in therapy so when he did come along he sat quietly the whole time, so we ended up doing family sessions only my mother and I. As many sessions as I had with my mother and as many sessions my mother had alone it didn't really help. She didn't change I still haven't accepted it.....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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MoMo
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10/15/13 12:11 PM
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How are you doing?
 
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mouse
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10/15/13 6:01 PM
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toy your situation is tough. I always wanted my parents to change their behaviors as a result of therapy sessions with me but it never happened. They are not here anymore and I have a certain void that is left. All I can say is that you can't change your parents; you can only change how you deal with and react to them.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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10/15/13 7:24 PM
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You guys might be right but maybe maybe it'll do something for them.

My father wants to be there his children...
 
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MoMo
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10/15/13 7:26 PM
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Toy my father doesn't either believe in therapy but I think he might be coming around maybe..
 
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