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TOPIC TITLE: Hashem Yerachem
Created On 10/11/13 5:29 PM
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TBear
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10/11/13 5:29 PM
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Death calls, but we are commanded, "Choose Life"

Not that I don’t want to live - I cannot take the pain, so it is really escape I want

can never erase the past - even what is shrouded in forgetfulness effects me

why Hashem? a tikkun for the neshama - remember i am only dust….

I had no chance - what I was born into - what i learned, how I coped

My children didn’t have a choice either - in having me for a mother

hate myself, shouldn’t, doesn’t help, i do

why the pain - want to be understood

want someone to know all of me and still love me -

The fight within, the tortured mind… keep losing time… forgetting stuff...

death says it will be an end to the pain

but is it? no - only will make more pain for others

can’t do that - so I will hang on in tortured silence

I actually want to live

living is not something i know how to do

I have only perfected survival

but that causes others pain, when I disconnect - I am not the mother I need to be

harms me too, when I dissociate - but it was the only way I survived…..

feel trapped in a decision: robotic life or extreme pain

when i walk thru life in survival robot mode, I am not there for my kids, I don't feel anything - good or bad

hurts them - can’t do that, but I do….

it is automatic

i love them with all my heart

that is why I hate myself when I see how having me for a mother has hurt them

want to scream out to the world the horrors I have survived, say - please understand

but I cannot tell anyone

hide the past - the least I can do for my kids

so I try - Hashem Yerachem - put on a smile and face the world another day

when I allow myself to feel and be in touch with others

the pain of all I have been through comes crashing down

the hurts I have caused others by not being fully present

haunts me even when I know I was incapable of doing anything else

the fact that I had no chance

even when others show care that I so desperately need and want

there really are many who think I am inspiring - who care, on the surface

but they don't know me

it hurts - I feel undeserving of care and terrified that it is just a precursor to more pain

if I let down my guard, then there is more pain to follow, always has been

want a way out - hopeless; Hashem - where are You?

can’t change the past - can only change choices today - have to live in the present

want to just disappear - there is pain no matter where I turn

cry every morning, every night, the visions - memories - reactions won’t leave me alone

I choose life another day -

thankful to Hashem for the wonderful gifts - allowing me to give birth to some amazing children - just wish I could be better as a mother -

Please Help my children, please help me... Hashem have mercy

I cling to the verse - Love covers a multitude of sin... May it cover the mistakes I have made

Is there any way out of this - soon the comfort of Shabbos -

we have been invited out - both meals... Thank G-d, I was not up to the preparations today

so once again Hashem has helped before I even knew I needed it

the pain, sadness, fear remain - even with the thankfulness

Hashem Yerachem - I am only dust..... help

How do I get out of this????????
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/11/13 5:43 PM
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(((Hugs))) That's beautiful. Have a great Shabbos!
 
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MoMo
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10/11/13 5:47 PM
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Oy I feel your pain!
 
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toy123
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10/11/13 5:56 PM
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TBear u r in so much pain!!!! I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be. What u wrote is written beautifully. I hope you will be able to use shbbs to rest up. Especially that your invited out for the meals.... Feel Good and lots and lots of hugs!!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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keep climbing
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10/12/13 8:24 PM
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GutVoch, Tbear. I just saw your post.
What happened to make you feel so awful? You're not usually this way at all.
I hope Shabbos was o.k.
We're davening for you. You are not alone. We, on this site, do know you and love you .
 
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Cutiestarr
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10/12/13 9:04 PM
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This website is such a nice relief from my life.

It is so nice to see people who care. Sometimes I don't think there are good people out there

Thank you to everyone
 
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TBear
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10/13/13 9:28 AM
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Thanks so much guys..... means a lot - under anonymity I can vent - there is really nowhere to go with this.....

been struggling with multiple things - and it all stems from stuff I had no control over..... but brings more pain and isolation...

really wonder at times why Hashem has me here..... but my Rav said - it is a tikkun for my neshama and that I am doing a great job..... but that doesn't change the pain, just makes it a bit more bearable perhaps and also worse..... He also said that for my children's sake it would be better to just bear their anger at our situation than to go into the reasons.... of course I want to be understood, yet I really cannot tell anyone (including him - he knows only the tip of the iceberg) other than my therapist or it will harm my kids and be a problem (I have a pretty important job in the community)for my job.... he also said that he didn't think I should be looking for a shidduch for me.... which means that since he is my reference, give up any hope of comfort.... feel so alone, with the unbearable

For their sakes if not for mine, I must continue..... hate being so robotic and stoic....

Better after Shabbos - tired of the daily struggle to put on a brave face and wall away the pain - if I don't, I won't be able to function.

This black hole is very deep, I must take life one day - no, one moment at a time, and try to be thankful for the small things - every breath, that I have food in the house and a job, a close community, and frumsupport is here as support (thanks again, really!) etc... I truly do have a great deal to be thankful for..... count my blessings and try to go forward..
 
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channafofanna
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10/13/13 9:57 AM
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"really wonder at times why Hashem has me here"- well, it wont take away the pain, but maybe you are here to help all of us dieing on FS?
Rooting for you!!!
 
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keep climbing
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10/15/13 8:35 AM
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How are you feeling, Tbear?
 
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TBear
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10/17/13 7:40 AM
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Thanks for asking.... it was my DID acting up - it is all me, but some new "stuff" came up and a new piece that isn't yet integrated - all while I had no support (therapist was on vacation) Not Good!

So, although sad which is normal considering the "stuff" - the extreme reaction has calmed down..... Thank G-d for this forum - a place to vent, and a place where there is support!
 
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MoMo
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10/17/13 12:26 PM
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My therapist is also in vacation :-(
 
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Lasthope
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10/20/13 12:26 PM
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TBear, just read your post and i seriously feel like I could have written so much of the same stuff.....you wrote straight from your heart, and I feel your pain. I wish I could have you Hebrew name to daven for you but i guess you want to stay anonymous. I'm sorry your in so much pain. A rebetzin told me recently that since its right before the geulah, the pain is unbearable...obviously all of us in our own way. That keeps me going.. just waiting for the day when all pain will be erased. in the meantime, im just doing my hishtadlus...medicine, therapy etc etc... nothing seems to help though......
 
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