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TOPIC TITLE: Ever Getting Better?
Created On 11/11/13 6:34 PM
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MoMo
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11/11/13 6:34 PM
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So I'm starting to realize that I might never find the solution to my social woes and low self confidence.
But I'm here on planet earth so I might as well make the best of it.

I think I am destined to suffer through a certain amount of emotional pain.
Maybe it makes sense to just accept that and live with it.
At the same time try to invest in things that have meaning to me.

What do you guys think?
 
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Cutiestarr
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11/11/13 8:39 PM
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I had a friend last week who went up to her boss and said "Sorry for the awkwardness last week."
He replied, "What awkwardness?"
She said, "You know, that conversation we had that was really awkward."

He didn't remember.

I try to keep this in mind for myself and so far it's been really useful. I say weird things, stupid things, things that make no sense...but at the end of the day, people mostly think about themselves about 99% of the time. So I consider my conversations as if no one will really remember them. This idea makes me less nervous to talk to people, and sometimes people will remember less about anything you said but the manner in which you said it. I try to just shrug off my stupid comments. I know this may be hard to do but I hope it helps.

Also: it sounds like you are very harsh on yourself. I still am very harsh on yourself, but my friend once said to me, "Cutiestarr [not my real name], what makes other people any better than you?" And then I thought about it: if I have flaws, there are people out there with much greater flaws who are no better or worse than I am. The kid who we all know who is confident and outgoing - what makes him so much better? Nothing, really, but he has the self-confidence that attracts people. That is really all.

I hope this wasn't harsh I was just repeating some things my friend told me.



Edited: 11/11/13 at 8:43 PM by Cutiestarr
 
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mouse
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11/12/13 3:56 AM
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cutiestarr.....I loved your response. You had so many truths in there. I just want to say MoMo that first, you may be stressed out during social times. Accept it. Don't fight it. So don't be the life of the party. Every party has to have a quiet person otherwise it would be a bunch of self centered screaming jerks. Quiet people are not inferior in any way. I think you have to learn to accept your personality for what it is. Someone special will do the same and marry you. I married my husband who is not socially inclined not because of his social ability but becasue of his caring. You are a similar sort in the caring department. You will find someone one day who will understand social isn't for you but caring about others is. You seem to be blinded by the social thing and unable to accept the positive in you. Thus I'm starting a new thread I think titled "I'm good/great at....." I hope you can contribute.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Lasthope
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11/12/13 7:14 AM
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Momo, sounds like a good idea. Acceptance and investing in things that have meaning to you. I feel depressed as ever today (and I know it's the illness) and I slept most of my morning away while my baby was at the babysitter, but I'm trying not to get down on myself about it cuz I know it's not in my control. I saw something someone posted on facebook today that really inspired me and I'd like to share it here:

"What if all of your problems are really gifts? What if everything happening to you is happening for you? Rabbi Nachman says when one in the lower world wants to come closer to Hashem, the higher world helps by sending struggles and work. The ones Hashem loves- he tests- for their Da'at to be stronger than their fears.

You have the power with your mind to change your external world- what you choose is what you become- choosing is changing.

Our head and heart are in the same body for years and sometimes have no connection. We must strive to bring our heart and mind together to fall in love again and to work as one. From here we can reach high places. "

Our struggles, despite how hellish they are, are making us grow
 
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mouse
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11/12/13 8:13 AM
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Thanx Lasthope.....that was meaningful....I must admit I could only understand what was said up to a point, but I really don't think I'm ready or need the rest of it yet. I'm putting the puzzle of waht you wrote together...slowly. Your summary, was awesome .

I was also thinking MoMo, not only should you go for acceptance, but think about people who maybe you know and admire who aren't "popular" or wahtever but have redeeming qualities. You don't have to be friends with everyone. I'm happy with the 2 friends I have.....everyone else is acquaintances. But the two friends I have are there for me no matter what happens. I can rely on them. I don't have oodles of friends....I have two, but they are goodies and keepers. Perhaps you have a friend or two that you connect with. Just treasure that because you don't come by that often.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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11/12/13 8:47 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: Cutiestarr
The kid who we all know who is confident and outgoing - what makes him so much better? Nothing, really, but he has the self-confidence that attracts people. That is really all.


I feel inferior to most people simply because they are more confident. In my eyes I should be ashamed that I lack confidence to the extent that I do. I am deeply ashamed of it. In a sense it means I'm defective :'(
 
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MoMo
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11/12/13 8:52 AM
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But there is no point in continuously beating myself up over this. That itself is painful.
Nu so I'm inferior socially. It is what it is.
 
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Cutiestarr
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11/12/13 8:59 AM
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I'm sorry I'm going to haw to argue with you here Momo.

How does not being self confident make you defective? My cousin has an anger problem. I have a laziness problem. Each person no matter who they are or their standing in the communty has flaws. So if you are lacking self confidence but I have self confidence, how does that make me any better?

In fact, I actually like it sometimes when I meet someone who is not completely self confident, because I feel I can relate to them. I read on Oprah (sorry I read that) "your biggest weakness is your greatest strength". In some aspects when people have flaws I can relate to, it draws me towards them because I can relate.

I'm sorry again, I'm not supposed to diagnose anyone, but it sounds like this is the voice of your depression speaking. Sometimes when we are rejected over and over we start to believe that we are "bad" because if everyone is somehow distant it must mean there is something wrong with me. Please don't think that, it is completely not true. I don't know you in person but through your posts I get the sense you are extremely smart and perceptive, yet I feel so bad you are so harsh on yourself. You even posted once how hard you study in school - I would never have the self discipline to do that. So see? You have qualities I don't, and that's ok.

I hope I didn't sound too cliche. I try to be sensitive on this website but sometimes I am not so good at it (yes, one of my weaknesses).
 
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MoMo
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11/12/13 9:07 AM
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You have me smiling :-)
You are not cliche and you are not insensitive :-)

In my eyes if I lack confidence it's weakness and makes me desperately inferior.
This may not be true but it's deeply ingrained in my psych.
 
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MoMo
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11/12/13 9:13 AM
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A fact of life is that people measure your value based on how confident you are (at least guys). If you are not confident you are inferior.

I was last to be chosen into the baseball team. I was excluded from things simply because I was timid. I was treated as inferior.
 
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mouse
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11/12/13 1:36 PM
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Just because idiots who are defective or inferior in middos treat you poorly doesn't mean you are inferior. It means they are social jerks.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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11/12/13 7:58 PM
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Momo, it's the voice of your childhood speaking, telling you that you are inferior. i struggled tremendously with that, but it does get better with time. When you feel inferior, keep telling yourself that it's the voice of your childhood. Eventually, you'll believe it.
And maybe you should try to believe all your friends on Frum Support who think so highlly of you. Including me.
 
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mouse
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11/12/13 11:07 PM
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ditto to KC.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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11/12/13 11:53 PM
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Thanks guys!!
 
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mouse
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11/14/13 2:18 AM
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How you doing MoMo with acceptance???


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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11/14/13 11:44 PM
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Thanks for asking!
Over the past few days I've been thinking about what you guys were saying here about how lack of confidence is just another shortcoming like laziness and anger it something to work on its unpleasant but does it mean I'm a piece of garbage?
 
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MoMo
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11/14/13 11:46 PM
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I find it so hard to change my negative perceptions!!!!!
And it's so draining to constantly have negative voices in my head....
I'm overwhelmed!!!

Does anyone relate?


Edited: 11/14/13 at 11:49 PM by MoMo
 
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keep climbing
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11/15/13 5:09 AM
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I relate completely. Momo. It's very hard.
2 ways to handle those voices--
1) Reach out and discuss them with people
2) Distract by doing something pleasurable or physical (excercise, a walk....)
Hatzlacha from someone in the same boat.....
 
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mouse
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11/15/13 8:35 AM
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I'm in the same boat, too...different voices, but same idea. I agree with KC...I vote though that reaching and discussing with people is probably a way to put it to rest for good. If you could just imagine that what you see as a "shortcoming" is really just a trait...neither good nor bad. Some people actually like the quiet intospective sort of person while others like the extrovert. Extroverts are great for parties but not always for other things. There are extroverts who wish they could be a bit toned down believe it or not. I wish you could just like you for who you are. No need to fix your personality in my opinion. And know I'm not talking through a drug craze LOL. They did a less painful (and less permanent procedure.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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11/17/13 9:49 AM
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((((((((HUGS EVERYONE)))))))))))\
 
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mouse
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11/18/13 6:39 AM
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My boat is gonna sink this wk


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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11/18/13 9:01 AM
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why? What's this week?
 
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channafofanna
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11/18/13 9:49 AM
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i think we al relate...
Munkster- you might sink, but were gona give u a lifejacket so you dont drown, k?
 
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mouse
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11/18/13 6:50 PM
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MoMo...the procedure that they did, when done last time, only lasted a week. . So some time this week I kinda feel like I'm gonna be bback at square one. Won't see doc till Dec 13 either .....thanks channa, I'll take the life jacket and all pain killers .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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11/18/13 9:05 PM
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Oy Yoy
That's terrible.
I'll Daven for you iy"h
May you have a complete complete recovery!!!
 
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