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TOPIC TITLE: Darkness
Created On 12/2/13 2:22 PM
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MoMo
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12/2/13 2:22 PM
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I am feeling guilt and darkness. I feel like a bad person. I've felt this way a lot while growing up. I suspect that there was little warmth and a lot of strife, critcsm, and negativity. I was at my parents this past weekend perhaps it braught back those old feelings.

I feel all alone in a world of endless darkness. A part of me feels like an evil person deserving of severe torture (I am not sure why I feel this??). I also feel like a severely inferior person the kind of person people silently mock and reject.
These are torturous feelings.

Oy. It's so hard to get up and do things and face people and stay engaged in life when I feel all this.
Should I avoid the feelings or face them? Will they go away?

Have any of you ever had similar feelings? Did anything help?
 
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keep climbing
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12/2/13 3:32 PM
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Oy, Momo, it's awful to feel this way... Probably being with your family stirred up these emotions.
You are NOT inferior......We, on this site, know you as a caring, loving person, who is also bright and witty.
It's that little voice that's making trouble.
It will pass. You'll soon feel better, it"h.
Wishing you a refuah,
 
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MoMo
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12/2/13 5:52 PM
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Thank you very much!!
I went to college despite these debilitating feelings.

I figured out why these feelings intensified now. I was invited to a family Chanukah party that I really didn't want to attend my aunt and uncle and grandmother tried reaching me but I ignored their calls. My grandmother is furious with me and I believe that my aunt and uncle are as well.

I didn't want to be pushed around but I shouldn't have ignored them. I screwed up. This is causing guilt I'm imagining these family members raging at me and hating me (that's how my parents acted towards me throughout my childhood).

This might be part of the cause.
I sent a long apology text to my aunt and uncle but didn't hear back from them
Iy"h I'll call my aunt later tonight to see if they are angry...
 
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keep climbing
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12/2/13 7:17 PM
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And what happens if they're angry? Is it the end of the world? Are you AFRAID of all of them?
I was terrified of certain family members, but I didn't even know it. That's the nature of abuse--the victim doesn't know that he's afraid.
 
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MoMo
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12/3/13 4:20 PM
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I imagined my grandmother being so angry at me that she would want to disown me!!!
I finally mustered the courage to call her today I apologize and she understood. She was not upset.

It's strange to me how I imagined extreme wrath but didn't get anything close to it!!!
Very strange.
 
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mouse
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12/3/13 5:16 PM
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Maybe you see yourself in a harsher light than others seem to see you.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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I'mTrying
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12/3/13 11:15 PM
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I absolutely get it Momo and I wonder the same thing... Why do I imagine such extreme reactions from family and torture myself with it when reality is usually so different?
You've mentioned that you were emotionally abused as a child (and even more recently) could that be it? some sort of "ptsd" reaction?
 
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MoMo
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12/4/13 6:38 AM
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My parents would RAGE at me for mistakes. My father once came to slap me while I was sleeping for an innocent mistake that I made. He was a true bully. I lived in terror of his fits of rage. He would throw things slam doors name call and get physically aggressive. I remember countless brawls in which he'd beat my siblings.

 
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I'mTrying
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12/4/13 8:22 AM
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So there's your answer. It takes a long time to 'unlearn' that kind of fear and unpredictability... I'm so sorry for you and the child in you who is so traumatized.
((hugs))
Something I try to tell myself is that they don't have control over me the same way (although it truly feels like they do) because I'm not a helpless child.
I hope I'm not hurting you even more with these comments and advice!
 
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MoMo
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12/4/13 9:52 AM
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You aren't hurting at all its very helpful!!!
you also went through such stuff?

The moderator told me based on a psak that we should avoid inter-gender hugs. So instead of a hug I'll take something else. Not sure what though...
 
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I'mTrying
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12/4/13 4:55 PM
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truth be told it does feel a bit not so kosher...
a smile? How about I'll just say how much i care?
 
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channafofanna
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12/8/13 6:04 AM
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Thats intresting..... i always thought so too, but not sure what to do instead...
 
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