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TOPIC TITLE: MoMo's Ramble
Created On 12/17/13 2:39 PM
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MoMo
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12/17/13 2:39 PM
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Here's today's ramble of what's going on in my life:

I feel terribly guilty about something inappropriate that I did last night (It's too embarrassing to even talk about). I am feeling a ton of self hate.

I hate myself for not doing more with my life.
I lack the basic motivation that most people seem to have. I naturally do not want to get up in the morning and do not want to do anything. I want to do more with my life I feel so empty but I don't know what to do blahhh. Nothing pulls me and I don't feel like I'm good at anything or want to do anything.

I'm terribly worried about my future. What's gonna be with me???

I'm angry at myself and hate myself. I wish I was someone else. I feel like a total looser.
I suck socially. I have almost no friends. I don't interact much with people.

I'm sick of wasting time online and on this site.
I want to change but I'm finding it so so so so hard!!!!!!!

Now that I dumped all that on you I'm gonna log off and actually try to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE!!!!!!!
And as a start I'm not gonna check this site for at least another 5 hours.

I DONT CARE WHAT IT TAKES, I WILL NOT LET MYSELF STAY A NOBODY. I WILL FIGHT AND FIGHT AND FIGHT AND FIGHT AND FIGHT AND FIGHT UNTIL I MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF MYSELF. PERIOD.
 
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MoMo
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12/17/13 2:43 PM
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p.s. how do you deal with succumbing to your Yetzer Harah s-xually? How do you live with yourself? I feel so angry and ashamed of myself.
Okay goodby for now I gotta do something productive..
 
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gad
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12/17/13 3:45 PM
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It says, I think in Tehillim, noiro alilo al bnei odom -- that Hashem sometimes brings sin to people.
There is still free choice, but sometimes Hashem brings the person to the situation of sin, in order to have afterwards the teshuva, which elevates and brings much more light and holiness.

So you don't need to beat yourself. And beating yourself gets you even more down , and makes it harder to do good things.

It says, I think In the gemorah, pogah bicho menuval ze moshchaihu lebeis hamedrash, when the yetzer horo hits someone, to drag it to the beis hamedrash. Meaning, to increase (quantity or quality) in learning,

Also, it's good to daven to Hashem to help.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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gad
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12/17/13 3:47 PM
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You have tremendous potential to make this world a better place. You have a yiddishe neshomo, a superpower. And eventually every yid will find his or her potential, and tap into it to accomplish great things.
 
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gad
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12/17/13 4:06 PM
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And the tremendous amount of support that you've given others on frum support is a great mitzva.
 
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mouse
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12/17/13 4:29 PM
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MoMo...you're a not a nobody. You're a somebody. Your input on here has made a big difference to me (and probably to others though I can't speak for others.) Stop being so harsh on yourself. Hashem wants you to be the best YOU that you can be. You are one of those people who always puts in effort to be better even though (I think) you're great. You do tremendous chesed for others and are always considerate. Time to be not so mean to yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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12/18/13 7:14 AM
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Succumbing to a yetzer harah that is s-xual is a hard one. Perhaps just promise yourself to try not to get into that situation again and come up with a plan so it doesn't happen easily. I don't know waht you did so I can't give any other thougths (neither do I need to know.) MoMo, you're a single guy. A lot of guys get themselves into trouble in this department easily. Guys are wired that way (I think.) Don't beat yourself up anymmore....HASHEM wouldn't want you to. He is your Father.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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12/18/13 12:27 PM
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Momo, it's that voice from your childhood beating you up. Don't let it win! You have SO MUCH good to give the world, and the monster wants to pull you down. Keep fighting!
 
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MoMo
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12/18/13 7:27 PM
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How do I change my internal voice?
I am constantly beating myself up!!!!

I sometimes get the feeling that I should physically beat myself -like I deserve that.

I know that it's the internalized voice of my abusive upbringing but how do I stop it or take away it's power?
 
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keep climbing
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12/18/13 8:18 PM
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I wish I knew....
But one thing I do know-that when I recognize that it's not true at all; that it's a mistaken belief, all wrong, it can help.
It's not true! It's a lie! It's all baloney!
Maybe keep saying that to yourself over and over, and it will penetrate!
 
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MoMo
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12/18/13 10:41 PM
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I don't want to fight the thoughts because then it becomes a whole back and forth. What I am trying to do is just let it exist and also try to realize that it doesn't represent the complete story -like what you're saying.
The hardship is that I'm frustrated that I have the thoughts to begin with. Nu. That's life.
 
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MoMo
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12/19/13 3:03 AM
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Some more thoughts:

The small steps we take each day in the right direction add up over time into something big.
Many people are constantly chasing massive change but real meaningful change happens one small step at a time.

I would love to instantaneously transform into someone who goes to sleep on time and wakes up in time and always Davens Shachris with Minyon etc etc but the truth is that the fact that I Daven at all is an improvement from a few months ago (it used to bring up bad memories).

I never asked for these challenges. Is it my fault?

 
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mouse
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12/19/13 6:44 AM
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MoMo...the facts are out there: you are doing A LOT to improve yourself from many different angles. We're all human; no one is perfect. All Hashem can ask of you is that you continue what you are doing...trying. Be strong.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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12/19/13 6:48 AM
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Given that my kids just got braces, I have a really shallow comparison going. Braces are like personalities and such. You can't just change it over night. You have to fix your teeth slowly and at times painfully a little bit at a time. You can't do it all at once. It would be too painful. Personalities are the same. You can't just change it overnight. You have to slowly and painfully expand your personality to what you want it to be. Really shalllow but I have one more peice of advice...use wax when it hurts ....hehe these things in my kids' mouth are driving me insane. Off to buy wax soon as they used up the dentist's supply.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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I'mTrying
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12/19/13 10:23 AM
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I often forget that we are not supposed to be perfect- otherwise we would be living up near Hashem's throne.
There is no such thing as perfection anyhow down here!!!
Hashem made us the way we are. HE KNOWS how hard it is to fight our challenges. He gave them to us!!!!
All we can do is fight. The rest is not up to us... Even if we don't get anywhere with the struggle to be a better person, the struggle itself is the point. That's all He wants from you and I.
Wishing to be a person without this flaw and that struggle is something I did/do regularly. But it's simply not emes. Truth is, we are here to struggle to become better people, not to fight reality.
Wishing all of us menuchas hanefesh in our challenges, including myself-
I'mtrying
 
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MoMo
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12/19/13 2:55 PM
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Thanks guys for the encouragement!!!!

Today's Ramble:

So for the past 2-3 days I've had these really negative voices in my head that I am trying to live with.
I have some theories as to why it flared up now worse than usual.

1) I started taking a new stimulant medication -this might be a side effect.

2) there is this girl in my therapy group who I have this on and off relationship with (NOTHING INAPPROPRIATE AT ALL -I PROMISE!!! we just talked about our struggles and how to move on etc.). So for a while we were in touch daily and I think it filled a big void and last week we decided to stop talking. perhaps the loss of that friendship and the lonliness is causing the negative thoughts to intensify. but I know I acted maturely in ending the friendship since it stopped being productive and beneficial and it was mutual. So I guess this is life.

3) I met my psychiatrist a few days ago (I meet him every few months). He claimed that my issue is that I don't have enough pressure in my life. My parents and grandmother help me out financially and so I don't have motivation to succeed. Ever since I heard this I became a pressure cooker and started hating myself for where I am in life and for not doing more with myself.
My therapist who is a smart man and knows me MUCH better told me that this Psychiatrist is dead wrong! My issue is that I have TOO much internal pressure and not enough compassion and understanding and that the last thing I need now is more pressure! I'm not certain who's right but I think my therapist is right.

4) I had a spiritual fall in the kedusha department which generated a lot of guilt -but I think I'm starting to come to accept myself (obviously while still working on doing my best).

That's my ramble for now...
 
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MoMo
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12/19/13 3:01 PM
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I just gave a yes to a date (which is hard for me).
We"ll pull through. We"ll pull through. Let's all hang in there and be there for each other and take some small steps...
Thanks so much to y"all for your unwavering support!!

P.s. I discussed at my group therapy this topic of s-xual guilt. It seems pretty universal. Also all men succumb some times in this area... My therapist's words were: "Welcome to the human race"
Not sure if you women can relate at all to any of this so maybe I'll stop discussing this topic....
 
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MoMo
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12/19/13 7:56 PM
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I just made up to meet up for dinner with an old classmate who I don't have much to do with.
In general I am prone to social anxiety so this is a huge huge risk but I'm going for it.
I'm gonna be myself with all my flaws and fears and if it doesn't go good so be it. at least I tried.
I'm afraid of him seeing my social anxiety and concluding that I'm weird. that's my biggest fear.
but I'm gonna try not hide my fear and pretend to be cool but rather to allow those feelings and at the same time try to connect to who he is and what he's up to.

also I'm gonna try not to sensor myself too much like if I say something stupid then so be it.

I can't hide forever. I am who I am. even if I don't connect with him there are other people who I will connect with. Im not afraid of his rejection.

I am who I am. Take it or leave it.
 
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MoMo
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12/19/13 9:31 PM
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Ok so I went out for dinner with this friend. I was nervous and not confident I tried not to suppress and hide that fact and I tried to just keep the conversation going. I probably came across as lacking some confidence and as being insecure but that is how I sometimes am with people. So be it. Do you think your average person would judge me harshly for this or think that I'm weird because of this?
I am who I am. I have some other great qualities.
 
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mouse
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12/20/13 5:09 AM
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Reminds me of something I did a few weeks ago when I missed my parents. I didn't think my best friend would understand so I wasn't telling her why I was so depressed. So finally I told her. I was seriously crying hard. I thought she'd never want to be friends with me again because I wasn't my happy usual. In the end though, I don't think she got it entirely, but she tried -- and that's what counts. It made a huge difference to know she cared, to know she knew, and for her to listen. It truly stregnthened our already existing friendship. If the guy you saw understood your difficulties, it was worth it. He should not pity you but just understand you. If he can, it's a relationship worth investing in. If he can't, it was one night spent and (hopefully) a good meal. It was also good practice for the future.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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12/20/13 5:43 AM
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Wow, Momo! Ithink your psych. is ALL WRONG! That little voice in your head is more pressure than he's ever felt (your doc) and I'm horrified that he could say that. This trying to change that we are all doing, is the hardest thing in the world, and the less pressure we have, the better!
 
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MoMo
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12/21/13 4:13 PM
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Thanks Munkster, KeepClimbing, and I'mTrying for your feedback!!!!

Here is today's ramble.

I had a very difficult Shabbos -one of the most difficult in a very long time. I was in bed most of Shabbos and had constant negative thoughts and incessant worry about my future. My brain was on overdrive and I was powerless to stop it. I was a zombie at the seudas and people kept on asking me what's wrong with me. It's embarrassing to me that I couldn't focus enough and couldn't feel comfortable enough with myself to function well and be part of the conversation. I felt so much shame over this. Also a ton of worry about how I'll succeed in life if I a simple Shabbos meal with my relatives is too overwhelming for me??

Another current worry is that I am off from college for 2 weeks and in the past that has been a recipe for disaster. With nothing to get me out of bed I fall into a deep depression. So I'm going to have to brainstorm and come up with some creative stuff to do.. I feel doomed to failure. That's the feeling. Oy gevlad.

Hope you guys are doing a bit better...
 
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keep climbing
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12/21/13 4:49 PM
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I definitely can empathize with being afraid of vacation. While evbdy is cheering at the days off, I'm cheering when it's time to go back....
One idea-write out a detailed schedule-half hour by half hour-the night before and force yourself to stick with it. Include excercise, some social interaction, treats.
Remember-you're not alone. We've been thru this and will hold your hand thru it.
 
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MoMo
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12/21/13 4:55 PM
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Thanks so much for those kind words! Means a lot!!
I will do just that!
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/21/13 11:22 PM
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It always helps to have a plan for vacation. It's a good time to get to all those things that need to be done but not at the top of the priority list. For me, it usually involves organizing closets and the like .

Sorry you had such a hard Shabbos. Hope you're feeling better!
 
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Lasthope
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12/22/13 7:10 AM
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Sorry Shabbos was so hard, its so frustrating when it's so painful but then we beat ourselves up about it even more. I hope you have a better week... do you mind me asking what meds you are on?
 
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mouse
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12/22/13 8:11 AM
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I think planning for the vacation may be very helpful. One thing you may wish to do is take a risk and tell a friend how hard unstructured time is when already having a difficult time (note: I didn't say the D word - depression -- some ppl. just don't get it...you decide.) Perhaps you can have coffee every morning during vacation with a friend right after davening...if you get to davening, it's like a reward . Personally I find the cup of coffee trick works great since once I'm out of the house I find things to do and errands to run. It sounds like on Shabbos you were disaster planning in a negative down spiralling way. Perhaps you can catch yourself at it and try to make it a positive way...disaster is imminent....gotta plan for something good to happen instead -- kinda thing. I'm not sure you'll read this correctly cuz I used the wrong punctuation. Sorry...thinking ahead of myself. Supposed to have a good day today and I'm looking forward to it. It's a long, hard journey, MoMo, but you'll get there. I have confidence in you, and more importantly Hashem does. (He wouldn't have created someone who is a waste of His time.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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12/22/13 9:47 AM
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Momo, did anyone ever tell you that ur amazing?
I really look up to you...
 
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mouse
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12/22/13 3:38 PM
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Ditto on what Channa says .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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12/22/13 6:48 PM
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LastHope, for emotional difficulties I'm on Pristiq and occasional Xanax but I just started taking topiramate for an unrelated issue. I suspect that my new episode of extreme non-stop worry is partially a result of the topiramate (topiramate is sometimes used as a stimulant).

My psychiatrist keeps saying that there is nothing he can do for me medication-wise. Ouch. Over the years I've tried many medications with no results...
Should I switch doctors?

Channa and Munkster,
I don't know what to say. Thnaks!
 
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Cutiestarr
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12/22/13 8:29 PM
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I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you feel better soon.

According to my own doctor, there are only so many medications out there. If there are 15 medications and you have tried them all, it may be less of a problem with your pdoc and more of a problem with the pharmaceutical companies that they should make more drugs!

Also if you have a good relationship with your doctor it might be better than to switch. It sounds like he knows you well.
 
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mouse
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Not sure if I would switch docs. I'd get a second opinion tho. Depending on how much money you can save, I may have an idea. There is a rather expensive place ( I believe they still do psychopharmocology consults) and were very helpful to me about 20 yrs ago...(which is why I'm not sure they''re still working. About 11 yrs ago though I went somewhere for a psychopharmacology consult since I was preggers and needed meds. It was also helpful. Both places took my insurance so it wasn't horribly expensive. Without insurance, one place willl set you back quite a bit, not sure about the other place. PM me if interested.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Lasthope
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12/23/13 2:13 AM
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Momo, have you ever tried SSRI's? or SNRI's? (prozac, zoloft, effexor, welbutrin..)?
 
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MoMo
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I've been on Effexor and Wellbutrin which haven't done anything. I don't think I was ever on Zoloft but I was on Prozac a couple of years ago I guess it didn't help.
 
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mouse
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I think I took topiramate at one point. It worked well for certain things. If it is what I think it is, you may do better with Adderall or Riitalin or similar. If I remember correctly I stopped topiramate because it has a nasty side effect of suddenly doing bad things to the liver. Not sure tho, so of course, check with your doc or Dr. Price. Seriously, I jusr go for a second opinion. Even Harvard psych grads aren't perfect (I had one that misdiagnosed my daughter.) Unfortunately, psychiatry is an art in some ways. There are many ways to paint a paintng, but you need the BEST way.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Lasthope
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Effexor and Wellburtrin also never did anything for me, but Prozac was the first medicine that helped me. It changed my life. It showed me that there is a world beyond the grey fogged up glasses. But it took months to kick in. Maybe you need to give an SSRI more time..... just a thought. They are the most popular antidepressants for a reason..
 
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keep climbing
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Cymbalta was a yeshuah for me when I started it.
Don't give up on meds. Keep tryin. In combination with other things, they might still work.
 
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MoMo
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12/23/13 6:25 PM
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Ok. I'm going to try a new psychiatrist who would be willing to try new medication.

My brain is firing off tons of negative/judgmental thoughts. This part of me blames myself for not accomplishing more and for not being more successful. This part of me is even saying that I'm a loser for being so stuck -for not getting better. This part is saying that I am inherently defective -that a 'normal' person wouldn't have my struggles. I will Iy"h revisit these thoughts later with a clearer mind to see if they are valid.


Edited: 12/23/13 at 6:27 PM by MoMo
 
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MoMo
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12/23/13 9:52 PM
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Those thoughts are so painful that I'm afraid of them and I'm trying to just run away from them somehow or get rid of them. But I don't think thoughts go away like that.

I think that in the long run it's healthier to allow the thoughts and work through them (or just let them run their course) instead of trying to fight it or run away from it.
Although I don't think I need to overly INDULGE the thoughts.

What do you guys think?
 
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Lasthope
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12/24/13 3:45 AM
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THese thoughts are a lie. They are a pure lie. You don't need to fight them or run away or anything. You need to get on the right meds to make the thoughts stop. It's like OCD. Depression is like a black version of OCD. I am not diagnosing you or anything, rather just relating my opinion due to my experience. We suffered tremendously as children, when our brains were extremely impressionable. It impacted our brains. I don't know you, but from what you relate here on this forum, you have severe clinical Depression. Therapy is good, it definitely helps, but it's not gonna magically fix a broken bone.
 
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mouse
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I don't know. What I DO know is you really are overly critical of yourself. Perhaps it is habit, perhaps not. I just think you beat yourself up over things you shouldn't -- mostly because those same traits you see as faults or flaws could be perceived as stregnths and positives to other people. No one in this world is perfect. That quiet guy who struggles to get to minyan is a HUMAN!!! There are many people who DON"T suffer from depression who don't struggle with getting to minyan. You know why???? Because to them it just isn't that important or a priority. You, unlike many many other frum people care deeply about such things. It's what makes you special. Not everyone wants to be with the life of the party. I mean, sometimes, I guess so, but that same person who is the life of the party is often a jerk to others. There is a lot to be said for a sensitive guy who always strives to be the best but since he's human isn't always perfect. Finally, I must put on this disclaimer....I hope I put things the way I meant to. Hopefully I'll reread this in a few hours. I'm a tad loopy from muscle relaxants for my aching arm. That being said, you just got advice from a crazy flake. But seriously, I think I'm ok to type this. A little ditsy but ok. Hopeuflly you get the major point to what I say.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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I'mTrying
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12/24/13 10:48 PM
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What do I think? I think you are amazing and one of the most tenacious people I know. Unfortunately I don't know the answer to your query, I have had those very same questions for years and ruminate over them constantly...
 
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Lasthope
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12/25/13 9:25 AM
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Momo, I wanted to apologize if I sounded harsh in my comment above. I just hate depression so much and want you to feel better. I know you're trying everything and gone to doctors and all that, so I really didn't mean to sound like I was trying to "diagnose" and push you to try new meds. Everyone is different. Especially with my story of oscillating drastically between therapy and medication, I should be the last to really push for meds. But despite my crazy story I still see how powerful meds can be. Anyways, its complicated as usual, and I just hope you start feeling better soon. And we are here for you...
 
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I'mTrying
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12/25/13 10:17 AM
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I don't know....That I am not allowing myself to stop taking my meds? Sounds like a pretty lame victory to me.
That I am trying to leave my therapist (with whom I have been vacillating between staying and leaving for the past year and half) and I made an appt with a therapist that I have met in other circumstances and have reason to believe is good at her job.? I can't really think of a good reason why I should deserve and need therapy. At this point. Bc I am functioning.
 
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channafofanna
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12/29/13 9:51 AM
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ImTrying- "Small victories" are victories too...
Who says u need to deserve or need therapy to have it?
Momo- "I think that in the long run it's healthier to allow the thoughts and work through them (or just let them run their course) instead of trying to fight it or run away from it.Although I don't think I need to overly INDULGE the thoughts"
Thats what they say =D
 
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MoMo
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12/30/13 8:00 AM
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I had a first date with a different girl last night. It didn't go terrible but it didn't go too well either. I was very nervous inside I'm not a great 'airplane talk' conversationalist (which is what first dates are supposed to be about).
I didn't hear back from the shadchan yet but I'm fairly certain that she gave a no.

Also this girl seems so 'normal' and confident I feel like I don't measure up.
I'm feeling a bit demoralized right now about dating...

I have some qualities (or at least people keep telling me that i have these qualities) like I'm caring, understanding, emotionally open, honest, I work very hard to be a better person, I've overcome tremendous adversity etc. but I am deficient in some key areas. I'm not yet a fun person. I'm nervous socially. I don't function as well as others on a day to day basis....
Will anyone want me? I feel inferior.
 
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channafofanna
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12/30/13 9:04 AM
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Yes, someone will want you. With your social anxiety and inability to funciton. Someone will want you. You just have to find them...
Anyway, most girls arent looking to marry a fun guy or a good dater or the life of the party. We want someone who is caring and will make a good husband and father....
 
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keep climbing
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12/30/13 9:30 AM
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Momo, each person has a basherte, it's just a matter of finding him/her.
Good luck on this very hardstage!
Also, you can take charge--after all, you are also choosibg a wife,what do you think?
As long as it's not a pressure, it can even be fun!!!
 
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Lasthope
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12/30/13 10:18 AM
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Momo, do you ever have "fun" or a good time with someone you feel totally comfortable with?
 
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MoMo
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12/30/13 10:42 AM
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Yes. With the few people that I'm comfortable with I can have a good time with.

I just got word that this girl gave me a no after a first date. It hurts.
The truth is that she is very social (even with guys -she works in an office full of guys) and I'm just not that social or cool or with it (I always wished that I was...)

I'm not sure what to think. A part of me dislikes myself. another part of me wants to accept myself for who I am.
A part of me is saying that their is something wrong with me that I got 2 no's from two people after first dates. Another part of me says that all it means is that these people aren't right for me. But maybe a part of me wishes that they were right for me.

I'm not in a good mood. I feel demoralised.
 
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