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TOPIC TITLE: MoMo's Ramble
Created On 12/17/13 2:39 PM
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keep climbing
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12/30/13 1:44 PM
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I also feel like that when this stuff happens to my kids, believe it or not. For some reason,(Ha,ha ha) I take everything soooo personally.
It's part of our package, unfortunately.
What to do to feel better?
Keep busy.
Treat yourself.
Talk it over with someone.
Eventually, the pain passes.
 
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Lasthope
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12/30/13 2:16 PM
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I can't imagine doing the shidduch dating thing and having to deal with rejection. I can barely deal with it on a day to day basis with the "small" stuff, can't imagine how much harder it is when someone says they dont want to date you again.. I'm sure it's nothing personal and they are just not the right one for you.
I agree with keep climbing. Try to keep busy to try to distract yourself, and talking it over with someone def helps
 
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mouse
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12/30/13 5:04 PM
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I don't know what to say. I've been there. It does hurt. Don't give up though. You ever here the song "but the shadchan said, this time it will be different....." Reminds me of that.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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12/30/13 11:34 PM
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I took all of your advice and had one of my most busiest days ever. I also spoke it over with 2-3 people which helped A LOT!!
KeepClimbing, Munkster, Lasthope, and all the rest of you thanks for being there for me!!!
 
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mouse
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12/31/13 5:57 AM
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since I'm not supposed to give a guy hugs on here...NON HUGS, MoMo... I'm glad it helped to talk to someone . By the way, have you ever heard that song about the shadchan??? It's sweet.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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1/1/14 3:26 AM
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Warning: Very negative, read at your own risk.

Today's ramble:

I feel like an utter loser.
I am nothing.
I hate myself.
The reality is sinking in that I'll never be normal.

I don't want to date anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.
I have no more emotional energy to fight a losing battle alone forever.

I know I can't give up. But I'm feeling so demoralized. I want to succeed so badly and I try so hard for so long and it's so painful and I'm so lonely and it's the same stuff over and over and over. I don't want to live anymore. I wish there was some way to call it quits, end my life without harming anyone else and with G-d being OK with it.

I'm just so frustrated.

I visited my friend in the Psychiatric Hospital -It was the most depressing thing ever!!!
You'd think that there was some "better" treatment they had there that got people better. But it's the same insufficient treatments they have for the rest of us. This friend is in one of the highest ranked Psychiatric hospitals in the country but I was utterly unimpressed. I walked out of there almost needing to be hospitalized myself (OK that's an exaggeration.. but it was depressing).

By the way whoever designed the hospital had 000% common sense. It felt monotone and stoic (cinder-block walls, dimly painted, etc) It felt more like a prison than a place for people to start feeling happy and hopeful. People lack common sense!!

My head spews forth so much self criticism and nothing I do can stop it. I was so thoroughly brainwashed to be emotionally abusive to myself that it's impossible to undo. I sincerely believe this. I will never forgive my parents who tormented me and abused me for killing my spirit.
The evil they committed is forever embedded in my psych. I don't know how to uproot it -and believe me I try every day every minute to undo the brutal sick warped abusive criticism they inculcated me with.

I have almost no friends because I'm afraid of being seen by anyone for who I realy am: a loser, a nobody, a weirdo, a retard.
 
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MoMo
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1/1/14 3:33 AM
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I don't deserve to walk the face of the earth. I am an inferior human being.
No one should care about me. No one should like me.
People should spit at me and ridicule me and beat me. I deserve pain. I deserve to be made fun of and to be put down and tortured physically and emotionally.

I would like to give special thanks to my parents for teaching me these very important lessons.
 
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Lasthope
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1/1/14 6:44 AM
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Im soooooo sorry you are in so much pain. I am with you in every negative thought and feeling and want to take them and uproot them from your mind and body because they are the WORST feelings in the world. We all want to live, in peace, in joy, in calmness. And you are feeling the opposite. And it is complete torture.
I agree with you about the hospitals, especially psychiatric ones that are supposed to be geared to emotional healing. I've never been in a psychiatric hospital, but if it looks the same as a regular hospital, that's pathetic.
I want to tell you something about everything you wrote above, and I can only say this because I've been there. All those feelings are real, they exist, and you are in a lot of pain. I agree with that 100%, BUT at the same time, you need to realize that they are coming from something that is not you, from what is diagnosed these days as an illness or disorder THAT CAN BE HEALED. The emotions are just as real as the rest of the body, but when they are "sick" for lack of better words, the pain is much worse, but it doesn't mean that it can't go away. YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS. I am only saying this to you cuz I felt like you just a couple months ago, and now I don't. Why? Because of a stupid white pill that I take every morning. It took two months but I am finally feeling some sort of relief, from all the negativity, from all the blackness, from all those feelings that you wrote above. So please please consider trying a new medication. Please don't give up.
I apologize in advance if anything I wrote here is insensitive.
 
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mouse
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1/1/14 7:39 AM
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I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. Your last line says a lot. Those are you PARENTS' voices. NOT YOURS. Your job is to challenge them and get past them. For now though, you can sit with those feelings. But not for too long. If you sit with them too long then they become a part of you. You need to appreciate that you are in pain and take steps to get past it. MoMo, you're a VIP...you know why??? Because there is a bit of Hashem in you. That makes you HOLY. Hashem put you here for an undetermined period of time and for a reason. Maybe it was to make someone feel better. Maybe to make me think and challenge your thoughts (because that always lands up happening.) You're gonna pull through. Have confidence.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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1/1/14 7:02 PM
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LastHope, I will try out a new Psychiatrist Iy"h. Thanks for caring!
Munkster, Thanks for always landing up challenging my thoughts ;-)

So, after wallowing in self hatred the whole day (It's partially due to withdrawl symptoms from a medication) I want to move on.

For now I don't know how to get rid of my tendency to think very harshly towards myself. What I want to continue to try to do is to allow those thoughts but let them pass. Also to try as best possible to feed myself positive thoughts and alternative ways of seeing things as an adjunct to the negativity.

The truth is that over the past few months I've made some progress. Iv'e taken some steps forward.
I started learning more, Davening more, engaging more with people, using the internet less, I was trying very hard to live healthily (diet, food, etc), I pushed myself to date, etc.

I might always have guilt and self criticism in my head. Nu. It is what it is.
 
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keep climbing
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1/2/14 5:04 AM
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Momo, just reminding you that it is our will/ratzon that counts. WE really don't have that much control of our thoughts and actions. But if our will is to be good, and I know it is, we are good.
 
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MoMo
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1/2/14 5:10 AM
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I want so badly to be healthy and do good!!!!!!
 
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Lasthope
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1/2/14 2:56 PM
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me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we will get there one day and when we do we will be awesome!!!!
 
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MoMo
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1/2/14 3:00 PM
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Maybe it's the opposite. We realize that we're awesome and that's how we get there...
 
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Lasthope
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1/2/14 3:12 PM
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We are always awesome. When we truly internalize it and feel it, and are consistently content, focused, and have peace of mind then others will just be blown away by our awesomeness.
 
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MoMo
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1/2/14 3:54 PM
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I hear that.
Now I'm starting to think that perhaps there's no need to be awesome. Maybe it's just ok to be regular... Maybe regular is awesome!
That's probably what you meant!
 
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mouse
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1/2/14 4:57 PM
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MY RAMBLE: I feel like a jerk. I gave my kids a hard candy and my son's braces fell off when we hit a speed bump. Now we got to redo the entire thing I think!!! I'm lazy and a slob and hardly got anything done today. Feeling very unproductive and fat at moment .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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1/2/14 6:38 PM
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Munkster, who says we have to be so productive? Maybe we're being hard on ourselves.
 
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mouse
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1/3/14 8:32 AM
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Basically, KC, I'm sitting around doing nothing but ruminating on stuff....stuff from over 10 yrs ago!!! It's old. Time to ruminate on something new, perhaps....Seriously though, I feel like I haven't taken care of much -- including the house -- in AGES!!!


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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1/4/14 7:04 PM
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Today's ramble:

Had a decent Friday night but difficult day today. Now I'm sort of having a panic attack.

Compassion. That's what I'm trying to develop.
To believe that others are ok with me.
I was at a relative's simcha when he spoke at the meal he mentioned that he feels like a brother to me.

My therapist believes that by remembering how badly I was treated growing up that that will help me make sense of things and/or get over it...
I don't know if he's right or not but I don't know what else to do.

My childhood was beyond dark. It was the definition of gihenim on this world. Nu.
I guess the point is that the darkness was created by fallible human beings it wasn't what I deserved?
But now I feel that maybe I did deserve to be treated like that. But why?
I was just a kid and a well behaved kid. Why was I yelled at so much? Why was I treated so coldly?
 
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keep climbing
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1/4/14 7:09 PM
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I felt horrible this shabbos. I thought I wasn't going to make it.
Momo, please remember that what you went thru and go thru is not your fault. It's just not our fault, all this stuff, no matter what this monster tries to tell us.
 
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MoMo
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1/4/14 11:07 PM
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KeepClimbing, So sorry about that!! What made it so hard?

 
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keep climbing
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1/5/14 7:16 AM
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Weekends are always hard-my mind has too much free time and the monster takes over.
This week-still confused about leaving my therapist. She hurt me so much, and yet she helped me a lot over the years.
This turmoil threw me into a very deep black hole.
A little better today, b"h.
 
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Lasthope
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1/5/14 10:41 AM
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Momo just forget what i wrote. We r awesome because we have a neshama and thats all that matters.
KC, sorry shabbos was so hard. ((hugs))
 
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MoMo
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1/5/14 11:58 AM
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Would it help to work through these feelings with the therapist?
I know that all professionals recommend doing that. I know that my therapist is open to hearing and discussing these type of things and that it's very helpful.
To me it seems that you really need closure one way or another. If she's kind and accepting and willing to hear you out and work things through then you know that she's for you. If she's mean or blames you or whatever then you know that she's just not a good therapist...
 
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Lasthope
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1/5/14 3:10 PM
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Kc, do u mind if i ask why yoy stopped seeing the therapist?
 
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MoMo
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1/6/14 1:17 AM
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I was in bed the entire day.

A part of me is very afraid of this depression. I don't want it to last.
I want to just be normal. I want to be able to function normally.
A part of me feels like I never will.
But another part of me feels that this is a baseless.

I had a rough day. I'm off from college for the next 2 weeks. I don't have a normal family and I went through a lot. Maybe it'll take a lot of time and work to get better.

I need to understand that without a schedule and living alone and growing up with so much negativity it's kind of normal to get down and have bad days...

I'll try to make tomorrow a less bad day. I'll try to lower my expectations. I'll try to get some things done and get to bed at a decent time. That's all.

Also, this fear of people that I have is sick!!! I was taught lies!!! There are people who are so much less sophisticated, intelligent, etc, than me that are part of society why am I not allowed to be part of society?
I was taught that there is something inherently bad/defective/off/weird about me and that I am less of a person and not worthy of being treated with basic decency.
This is proving to be very hard to uproot. But I wont give up.
I don't want to believe what my parents taught.

Another thought I need to repeat to myself is that just because I have an awefull day or an aweful few days of dysfunction that doesn't mean that I'm not getting anywhere in the big picture. I am definitely at least a drop more functional than I was a few months ago. No one improves without setbacks especially if they have as little support as I do (I live alone and don't have much emotional support from family etc).

I push myself a lot -today I didn't. Do I deserve to be hated and beaten (that's what I'm doing to myself)?
Does anyone ever DESERVE to be hated and beaten for being depressed?
 
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keep climbing
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LH, I felt that she was pushung me around and when I confronted her (twice) she wasm't nice about it at all.
 
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mouse
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MoMo.....I find your struggles frustrating at best. I so wish you could see yourself the way at least one other person (me) sees you. You're always trying to improve on what is already perfect the way it is. You're a great guy. You don't need to be Mr. Social. You just need to be happy with yourself. And I get that it was stuff drummed into you when you were younger, buy now you're older. You don't have to listen to those voices -- and YOU SHOULDNT. The shidduch situation doesn't help but kill any self esteem you try to create -- and that isn't your fault -- it's just the cruddy design of the "system." It is very black and white....Either you're gonna marry or you won't. No such things as having a lasting friendship. In a way it makes you think you're horrible if someone rejects you as a spouse. In reality, though, it's just that. They dont want you as a spouse but who knows if things were different, perhaps you'd be friends. I'm not suggesting that this be....but just saying it's the way it is. (I hope I'm not being too "out of the box" for you.) I've made certain observations about the way you portray yourself on here in a positive light.

1. You are charitable.
2. You are kind to others in actions (which in many ways is more admirable than being charitable.) While it's easy for a person to throw money at a problem so its not his/hers, you go and physically help out others in need -- even when it is hard.
3. You will make a good dad one day. How do I KNOW this??? Because you're sensitive to the needs of others. You always think of the other person.

There is so much I could say if I were to comb through the post on here that's positive about you. The only negative thing I can tell you from your posts is this: YOU"RE A BULLY. You bully no one but yourself. You are so mean and heartless to yourself. You spend so much time coming up with negative things to say about yourself that I bet you don't know HOW to be nice to yourself. Thus, I'm starting a new thread.....not sure what it's going to be called but you'll know it when you see it . I hope you participate in it as much as I do and hopefully others will too.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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1/6/14 4:45 PM
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You are right. Its just proving to be very hard for me to change what was ingrained in me for years and years through abuse and trauma..
The things I keep doing are:

1) Try to stay engaged in life, not give up, get up and move on after a bad period. Expose myself as much as I can to people and positive situations.

2) I'm in therapy once a week. It's slightly helpful but not really getting me where I need to be.

3) Medication. I am in the process of finding a new Doctor who will try out other medications.

4) I attend a group therapy which is slightly helpful.

5) I try to post two postive things about myself each day to help me see things more postively.

6) I blog (on this site) about my struggles and thoughts to try to sort them through and hear other peoples perspective.

7) I try to be productive -persuing a college degree.

8) I try to keep in touch with the few friends that I have and try not to isolate myself too much..


Munkster, I printed out what you wrote in your last post in order to read it a few times.
The truth is that people in my therapy group have expressed frustration that I keep coming in with the same set of problems week after week. And that the positive feedback doesn't seem to penetrate.

I understand that frustration because I'm 1000 times more frustrated about it.
I'm actually worried that people will eventually give up on me. Like how many times can you tell someone that he's not as bad as he thinks he is??

I just hope that you guys will be patient with me and realize that I'm doing the best that I can. I suspect that over time the positive messages will penetrate.
And I can't say how appreciative I am of your support and everyone else here on the forum!!!
 
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keep climbing
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1/6/14 6:46 PM
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Don't worry, Momo. We'll stick with you how long it takes!
 
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mouse
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MoMo...I meant every word I said in the previous post. I'm flattered you printed it out. Just remember, if that is me thinking about you like that (and I"m a very critical person) there are people out there who know you much better and think even more of you (since they have more info about you to go on.) I want so much for you to be happy. You deserve it. Not only because you're a good person, but because you are working so hard and are so goal oriented. I like that you can outline goals for yoursef...I think that's amazing. I am HORRIBLE at those things. Perhaps maybe one goal should also be self acceptance. Accepting you for who you are and not try to change what is already perfect.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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1/19/14 9:26 AM
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I second what Munkster and Keep Climbing said...
 
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gad
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1/29/14 11:14 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: I'mTrying
I often forget that we are not supposed to be perfect- otherwise we would be living up near Hashem's throne.
There is no such thing as perfection anyhow down here!!!
Hashem made us the way we are. HE KNOWS how hard it is to fight our challenges. He gave them to us!!!!
All we can do is fight. The rest is not up to us... Even if we don't get anywhere with the struggle to be a better person, the struggle itself is the point. That's all He wants from you and I.
Wishing to be a person without this flaw and that struggle is something I did/do regularly. But it's simply not emes. Truth is, we are here to struggle to become better people, not to fight reality.
Wishing all of us menuchas hanefesh in our challenges, including myself-
I'mtrying


I commend you for your strong feelings of emunah.
I would add, that emunah is for the past, and bitochon, trust, is for the future.

We believe, emunah, that everything that happened in the past, happened by Hashgocho protis, Divine Providence, and that it is ultimately for our benefit. And even if we don't understand it now, we will in the future. And then, in the future geulah, we will appreciate it. As it says (yeshayahu 12,1) oidcho Hashem ki onafto bi, I will (future tense) thank you Hashem that You showed anger to me.

Regarding the future, we trust that since G-d is good, and the nature of someone good is to do good things, that G-d will do good things for us in a revealed good, in a way that we see right away that it's good.
And by strengthening this trust, that it will be good, this can often speed G-d's blessings, as a reward for the trust.

So to summarize, having faith regarding past events, and optimism for the future, can be a very effective approach.
 
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