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TOPIC TITLE: Victories 5
Created On 12/19/13 2:38 AM
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MoMo
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12/19/13 2:38 AM
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I woke up on time.
I exercised.
I ate some healthy food.
I Davened Mincha.
 
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MoMo
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12/20/13 12:01 AM
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I just want to say that I am not bragging at all with these posts. I know better than anyone that my flaws are many. I am just trying to point out to myself the little good that I accomplish in order to give myself strength to continue.
I realize that my posts are sometimes just talking to myself but I still feel that it helps me so I hope you guys don't mind.

Today I studied. I pushed myself to meet up with an old classmate. l agreed to date someone. I ate some healthy foods. I pushed myself to face the world despite my difficulties. I reached out to two other old classmates over the phone I'm an effort to break my isolation and connect more with people. Most of these accomplishments were very difficult. So to that voice inside my head that says:"you're lazy you don't do enough etc etc.." I say really?? So what is enough?? Is anything enough??
 
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keep climbing
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12/20/13 5:54 AM
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It takes a great strength to battle depression, and we can all be proud of ourselves.
 
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MoMo
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12/21/13 10:05 PM
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Today I made up to learn with a friend tomorrow morning -That's a step in the right direction.
I made a list of possible things to keep myself occupied with tomorrow. This is a proactive step to avoid falling into depression.
So to that part of me that keeps telling myself that I don't do enough I say: Really????? Is anything going to be enough?????
l am only human. Also I struggle so much emotionally due to a neglectful chaotic upbringing where's the rachmunis???
What do you want from me?
 
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Lasthope
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12/22/13 7:50 AM
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Momo, you are a fighter and give us inspiration to just keep moving and not give up.

I signed up for the gym!
 
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channafofanna
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12/22/13 9:44 AM
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I was honest with a friend last night and told her I was a faker.
 
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channafofanna
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12/22/13 9:45 AM
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I didnt pull hair this shabos!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER!!!!! YAAAAAY!!!!!
 
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MoMo
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12/23/13 1:21 AM
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Great job people!

I was in severe emotional duress but pushed myself to do some career related research.
I reached out for some help -I'm probably going to have to reach out for more help over the coming days.
 
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mouse
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12/23/13 3:19 AM
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Wooohooo folks....let's see...I think i can add something. I cut down on the pain meds I'm taking so I could better care for my kids yesterday. (I'm not even close to addcition but I have a lot of pain going on right now and to fight it is awesome.) I woke up at a decent time yesterday(4 am is decent for me!!!!). I called 2 siblings ad talked to them for a litle. (NOTICE: I said TALKED...not SCREAMED LIKE A BANSHEE!!!!) I got some skirts for my daughter in a frum store. For me that's a biggie. I always feel judged at the not-so-local frum store. This time, I just didn't care.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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12/23/13 4:56 AM
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I didn't' wake my hubby up too early because I was lonely. I let him sleep. I know it sounds funny but usually when I get bored at night I wake him up and talk to him. The guy hardly sleeps as a result. So today I didn't do that.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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12/23/13 6:23 AM
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Hi, Channa. We missed you1
Momo, you sound good!
Munkster, I also have an issue with waking up too early, and often wake my husband, poor guy! I can't imagine how you cope with depression, pain, and little kids! You are amazing!
 
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mouse
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12/23/13 11:16 AM
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It's not as bad as it used to be...my kids are now almost teens so they are more self-sufficient. I think my hubby got a raw deal tho .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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12/23/13 11:30 AM
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I fought off those negative cutting and suicide thoughts this morning. Now, unfortunately it got replaced with Jingle Bells. I guess it's the fallout of living in the US and not Israel. I am going to play the Maccabeats soon to get rid of smelly Santa.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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12/23/13 10:02 PM
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Munkster, Awesome!

Despite debilitating emotional distress I got out of bed traveled to a therapy appointment. I took care of an errand that I said I would take care of.
 
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mouse
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12/24/13 1:25 PM
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Yay, MoMo. I took care of a bunch of errands and phone calls over the past 24 hrs. My "to do" list is getting shorter and shorter!!!


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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12/24/13 2:09 PM
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I really don't have much victory, but I guess I could say I'm fighting like a dog my urges.... I still haven't and hope not to give in....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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mouse
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12/24/13 2:54 PM
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Wooohoo toy...that IS a victory. A biggie in my book too....I fight those urges every day -- an uphill battle usually. Every once in a while look "behind" me and see how far I've gone uphill. Maybe one day I won't have to look back. But for now, I'm content fighting urges and looking where I've been in the past and seeing that I'm stronger because I've struggled.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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12/24/13 11:02 PM
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Wow that's great!

Today:
I met with a friend to break my isolation.
Ran some errands.
Was honest with a relative about my struggles and then had lunch with him.
I was kind to someone who damaged my car.
I davened Mincha/Marriv with minyon.
I learned with my chavrusa.
I gave a yes to go out on a date with someone.
I cleaned my car.
I took care of some errands.
I ate healthily.
I initiated a conversation with 2 people.
It freaks me out that I did so much.
But it wasn't me. I'm not the one who gets the credit.
 
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I'mTrying
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12/24/13 11:44 PM
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Yes, you do get the credit. If you're going to take credit for all the negative stuff you had better take credit for the positive, too!!
You are the one who pushed yourself to do all those things that are difficult for you. Hashem gave you the strength to do it but at the end of the day you made the choices and pushed yourself to the max.
I wish you could be as proud of and as impressed by yourself as I and others here are, of you!
 
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I'mTrying
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12/24/13 11:46 PM
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Toy, that is incredible. Keep at the good fight!
I wish I had a victory to share but unfortunately I don't have any...
 
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MoMo
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12/25/13 12:37 AM
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I don't deserve credit for the things I accomplish and I don't deserve criticism for the times I fail. It really is not in my control. If circumstances are good and I have the right frame of mind and mazal then things go well. When my mazal isn't good and I my traumatic past has a stronger grip I accomplish less. So I don't deserve the credit for the good nor the bad..
 
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MoMo
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12/25/13 12:40 AM
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I'm Trying, thanks for your kind words!!!
There must be SOMETHING you did right today!
 
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MoMo
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12/25/13 10:00 PM
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I davened Marriv with Minyon (a few months ago this was too difficult)
I performed ok on a date today.
 
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mouse
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12/25/13 11:28 PM
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MoMo...I'm not sure what you mean by "performed well on a date." The idea of a date is for the girl to get to know YOU. You have a lot to offer the right girl. I think you sshould act the way you are. This doesn't mean bawling your brains out. This does mean being the slightly quiet guy that you are. That is ok. Some girls dig slightly quiet. I can't think right now in a straight line. I"ll try to explain more later. (Kid just barfed...I think the flu has arrived.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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12/26/13 12:45 PM
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MoMo...I hope I didn't put my foot in my mouth in previous post. Hopefully, you'll forgive me if I did. I just read it and still agree with it, but maybe I should have said what I wanted to say differently.

I got through last night -- and let me tell you it wasn't easy. I also took a nap this morning when I had a chance. I feel more human now. I took care of a sick kid...brought him to the doctor and got him his meds. I got through today without going insane. I guess I did ok on a blah day.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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12/26/13 1:25 PM
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Munkster, you're doing great for a blah day!
I wasn't offended. I get what you were saying...

P.s. At the end of the date the girl said that she comes from a difficult background and doesn't want someone who also comes from a difficult background (somehow the topic of how we were raised came up and I said that my parents were the old school tough love type...)
Today I got feedback from the Shadchan that the girl said I was very serious and she wants someone full of fun.

What do you guys think about that?
 
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MoMo
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12/26/13 2:38 PM
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Today I pushed myself to go to a shiur.
I took care of an errand that I have been pushing off for a while.
I Davened Mincha.
 
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MoMo
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12/26/13 10:17 PM
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I went to a sium of a family member. Other people there were shy and quiet and barely said a word to me so I'm so happy to see that I'm not the only quiet person.
I Gave someone a ride and made conversation with him.
 
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toy123
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12/27/13 12:32 AM
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Okay this is a major victory for me. I just finished writing two letters to my residence manager which contain private, privileged, information about myself. I felt it is important for her to know....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Cutiestarr
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12/27/13 9:41 AM
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If you don't mind I would be interested in what you wanted to tell her.

When you say residence, you mean apartment?
 
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MoMo
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12/29/13 3:49 AM
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I exercised.
I was a tiny tiny bit less nervous socially over Shabbos.
 
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channafofanna
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WHOHO!! Cheers guuys!!!
 
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I'mTrying
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I left my therapist. It took me a year and a half to make that move. I feel guilty but relieved bH and kinda (a weeeeensy bit) proud
 
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MoMo
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12/30/13 1:03 AM
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That's huge! Keep it up!
 
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mouse
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MoMo...I could be wrong but everyone looks for different qualities in a spouse. This person wants one who is fun and stuff to be with. Perhaps that isn't you, or perhaps it just didn't come out. I think a serious husband has its positive sides too you know. It is just what a person is looking for. In fact to compliment your serious side perhaps you need someone who is fun too.



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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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I guess I shouldn't take it personally...
I'm trying not to.
Thanks Munkster
 
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channafofanna
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YAY!!! good for you Momo!!
 
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mouse
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MoMo, rejection in the dating process is hard not to take personally. But especiallly in this case I would try not to. Being serious can be a positive quality. Being the fun guy can also. But you aren't. Someone will appreciate you for who YOU are. You will likely find that person. It's just a painful journey. Being dumper or dumpee isn't' pleasant -- but usually a necessary part of dating.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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You are so right Munkster. I am who I am. In another thread I was writing how last night another girl gave me a no the apparent reason being that I'm just not that cool and smooth. I was telling a friend about it his take was: MoMo you just aren't cool. It's not who you are. So you're not what she's looking for. So what? Big deal.
This friend has a point. I am who I am it's not good or bad it just is what it is. Some people will be drawn to my personality while others will not be. I only need one wife. So even if my personality is such that only one in a hundred tends to like someone like me that's fine. I just need to meet that one person...

Am I being too rosy-eyed?
 
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MoMo
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12/30/13 11:15 PM
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Today I:
Davened Shachris with Minyon.
Went to a shiur in the afternoon.
Went walking for over an hour.
Took care of errands.
Learned with chavrusa.
Spoke to someone I met at a shiur.
 
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Lasthope
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12/31/13 1:26 AM
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YAY!! Good for you!
 
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MoMo
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I moved out of my parents home.
I am more engaged in life now than I was a few months ago.
 
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Lasthope
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You wrote this after your other post, so I'm hoping that's a good sign. I hope you are feeling a bit more hopeful...
 
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mouse
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Your friend basically said what I have been saying. You are a good guy. That's what counts. Some day someone will find you and keep you. Until then keep your eyes peeled -- she may not be who you think she is -- I found a guy who was 10 yrs older than me -- something I DIDN"T want -- and it worked out. You're not too rosy eyed. You're doing fine. Not everyone wants a party animal for a husband. I think the slightly nerdy ones are better cuz they are more family-oriented.

On another note: I finally filled out disability papers. It was HARD and it was only for private disabillity (did the social security ones yrs ago...that was even harder.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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1/2/14 1:13 AM
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You guys are right and a part of me knows it but my mind is negative. It's frustrating...
Nu.

I try. I put in effort.
I try to get back up after getting down.
I'm so so so so far from perfect or even good but maybe that's OK. Maybe I'm enough.
 
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keep climbing
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I woke up at 3 a. m. and couldn't fall asleep again.That's so hard for me.
But I listened to a shiur (Chevy Garfinkel-Torah Anytime) and she was soo uplifting and she speaks my language.
That helped me stay o.k. and not slip into depression, which is a real danger for me.
 
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Lasthope
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Momo, do you know the song "Titanium?" (you shoot me down, but I get up.....)
Keep climbing, that's amazing that you were able to take that time to listen to a shiur and keep positive. Im gonna check out this Chevy Garfinkel....
 
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MoMo
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Yeah I LOVE that song!!
You're not supposed to know these goyasha songs in Yerushalayim!!
;-)
 
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mouse
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LOL, MoMo (re-goyish songs in Yerushalayim .)...

KC-- You're a MUCH better person than I am...at 3 am when I get up you're lucky if I can follow a dot on a screen much less a shiur. I should try that since usually I jsut wake my husband.

I have a migraine and I'm working through it. I'm not stopping and moaning and groaning like I usually do. I guess that's progress. . It keeps going away and coming back though so I'm getting frustrated.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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Munkster, you have company. I woke my husband at 5, when I couldn't take it anymore.
And my day was HARD. I was tired; worried about the upcoming storm (I have to get out) still wondering if I did the right thing in leaving my t. a couple of weeks ago.....She hurt me so much lately, but all in all, she was GOOD.
 
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