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TOPIC TITLE: Thinking about moving
Created On 12/21/13 11:33 AM
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Lasthope
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12/21/13 11:33 AM
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THis is crazy, and I have nowhere and noone to talk about this right now, so i'm gonna put it down here. I am thinking about moving back to America. I've lived in Israel for ten years (mainly cuz my husbands family is here) and I feel that it's just not working anymore. I've been struggling with severe depression for many years and I've had many ups and downs, but these past couple years have been the worst and I don't feel like I got the support I needed from the people here. I am ungrateful and resentful and hurt. I also miss my family. I keep picturing that maybe my life would be different if I lived next to my two sisters and mom. Maybe I would have a bit more of the support that I'm looking for. But maybe not, maybe it's all a silly dream of the grass being green on the other side.
We bought a new apartment in a new area of Ramat Beit Shemesh and are supposed to be moving there in the summer. It's a new place with a lot more space and we are planning on putting in a new kitchen, and some other changes, but I feel no excitement from this whatsoever. Only tension and stress. I just don't know where I belong. I don't know where I should be. It's not easy living here and I've had to put up with a lot of annoying stuff that I wasn't used to growing up in America, and I'm wondering if all that stress is just adding to my extremely slooow recovery. Im just so confused.
 
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keep climbing
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12/21/13 2:01 PM
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What does your husband think of moving to America?
 
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MoMo
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12/21/13 3:11 PM
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Oy. I don't know what to say. It's hard to know how much more support you'd get from your family here. I doubt that it'll be the silver bullet that'll cure everything all at once. But maybe it'll be helpful to an extent..

P.s. I once read that moving is rated as one of the life's biggest stressors. 98% of people find that to be too much to handle without extra help from family/friends and some valium..

P.p.s. KeepClimbing, You live in Israel??
 
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keep climbing
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12/21/13 3:28 PM
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No way. I live in N.Y. I have 2 boys learning in Israel right now.
 
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MoMo
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12/21/13 4:58 PM
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Oh. For some reason my computer showed that you posted your post at 2:01pm on Shabbos so I figured that you live in Israel in a different time zone. Turns out my computer's time is off :-)
 
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MoMo
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12/21/13 4:59 PM
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KeepClimbing, I sent you a PM a while ago about a group therapy did you ever get that message?
 
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Lasthope
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12/21/13 9:48 PM
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my husband says that if we can figure out a way to live there financially, like find a job and cover expenses like we do here, then he would go. He doesn't care either way. He just wants me to be happy. You're right Momo, it's definitely not the silver bullet or whatever you want to call it. I have lots of issues in my relationship with my Mom and it's not always smooth sailing. One of my sisters understands me a lot and I feel like I could really confide in her, but she has a family of her own and it's not like she'd be able to just jump in and save me whenever I need her. My other sister is a very giving person but she doesn't understand depression too well. Yes, moving is a major stress and I'm just terrified of it here within my own city, just packing and moving apartments. In a way, moving to America would be easier cuz I wouldn't have to pack and unpack. I could just sell everything and start over there. On the other hand, I'm afraid to hurt my inlaws who live here by just picking up and leaving after being here for so many years. They have given us a lot, I can't deny that. I'm just so torn. But my problem is that I still need so much help. I just need help with my kids and I don't have it anymore. My mother inlaw doesn't help like she used to. She is sick and dealing with her own issues. And the one sister in law that lives close by I do not feel like I could talk to at all. She does help me in various ways sometimes but it can be very awkward sometimes. I'm sick of being stuck. I feel so stuck. And why do I need so much help? THese are my kids and I should be able to take care of them on my own. Noone owes me anything.
 
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MoMo
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12/21/13 10:17 PM
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The reason you need so much help is because you struggle with depression. No one can claim that you haven't tried EVERYTHING to get better. If ch"v someone was wheelchair bound or had cancer or some other illness would you understand why they need extra help? For whatever reason your brain/emotions are temporarily functioning below full capacity it's not your fault!!!!!!
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/21/13 11:18 PM
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I can't really offer any advice about moving, but I can tell you that kids do grow up . It's very hard when they're all little. And yours are still very young. But once they're older IY"H you won't need so much help. We're living away from family, but now my kids are older and a lot more portable and we get to visit my family more often. But we don't live as far away as you do.

Hatzlacha with whatever you decide!
 
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Lasthope
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12/22/13 6:13 AM
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Thanks, being reminded that they grow up is comforting. I do need that. but im afraid that it will only get harder not easier.
Momo, you are right it's not my fault, but this relates to the other thread of depression being a stigma. I need so much help because right now I am "wheel chair bound" and trying to take care of four young kids this way. But noone sees that I am in so much pain. My sister in law knows that I was suicidal this past Pesach and never does she ask me how i"m doing in that area. She asks me the general "how are yous" but nothing more than that. It's like people are afraid to get into detail, like they think we are psycho or something. It's so painful. I have two neighbors who know that I have been suffering from severe post partum depression but they also don't ask me more than the general how are you. and as if I'm suposed to start rambling about my instable mood in a casual passing by. Do they bother to call and really ask me how I am? heck no. If I was stricken by cancer and going through treatment you bet they'd all be at my door with offers to help. How ironic that severe clinical depression is so much more debilitating than cancer. I say that with full confidence. And that brings me back to maybe I need my sisters, maybe I just need more help. I think I will call them today and ask them outright if I lived there how much help would they really be able to give me. by the way, you guys are the best. thanks for being here.
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/22/13 11:15 AM
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All the physical tasks that take so much time definitely get easier as the children get older. Think no more diapers, less spills, kids can do their own laundry, and so on. And less tantrums.
 
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Lasthope
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12/22/13 1:53 PM
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Right, but then people keep saying how it gets so much more difficult emotionally. I can't see anything being harder than cleaning up poop day after day after day...
 
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keep climbing
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12/23/13 6:29 AM
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Hopful, I agree with you that things are easier when the kids are older. You have some time and space to take care of yourself, and that's so important to me. This "overwhelm" that I get when there's too much going on is really hard.
Lasthope, what about coming to America for the summer to try things out. Then you'll see what it's like without giving up your home.
Hatzlacha!
By the way, how did you get your support group started? Can you help us start one here? ( I would love to have an all-female group and don't know of one.
 
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Lasthope
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12/23/13 1:42 PM
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Coming to America for the summer is an idea...but its hard to tell what real life would be like when you just come for a short time.
As for the support group, I asked a friend/ acquaintance of mine who is a social worker if she'd be interested in facilitating a group for depression, and she said if she has four people to start she would do it, so I've been working on getting four committed people and we finally have a group so hopefully it will start soon.. once it actually happens i can try to give you more tips on getting one together where you live
 
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MoMo
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12/31/13 12:26 AM
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So should we role out the red carpet for you here in the US?
 
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Lasthope
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12/31/13 1:14 AM
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ha, still not sure of anything yet...but the option is still out in the open. It's crazy cuz basically my husband just wants what's best for me, but I don't KNOW what's best for me! I'm so torn! There are a few very important things that I feel strongly about when it comes to living here in Israel (my kids education mainly), but at the same time I long for certain things in America (family and convenience). So I'm just plain torn now. And we have to make a decision because our lease is up this summer and we are supposed to move to our new place!
 
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Lasthope
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1/2/14 3:02 PM
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SO I spoke with someone today and they said it's probably not a good idea to make a big move (they were talking about moving to the new community here in Israel) at this point in my life. And I agree. I'm too fragile. I need the small stability that I have, of being around the people I know here, and not having to start over right now. In terms of going to America, I'm realizing more and more that it would probably not be a good idea to be so close to my mother. It's sad but it's reality.
 
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mouse
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1/2/14 5:23 PM
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i'm sorry LH you're having such a rough time. I really hope it gets easier for you.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Lasthope
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1/5/14 3:07 PM
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Thanks munkster... Just spoke to my sisters and really longing to be there with them.. i fepel so torn
 
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