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TOPIC TITLE: I don't know maybe I'm doing this for attention
Created On 12/25/13 2:20 AM
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toy123
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12/25/13 2:20 AM
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Like my title says I don't know maybe subconsciously this is what I'm doing/behaving in order to get attention but whatever is behind this the fact is that I'm feeling absolutely awful. I did just start a new med on shabbos but I don't know if it's possible that I'm feeling side effects already.... my urges are sky high. I don't go into stores like a pharmacy, hardware store or other store that sells pills or other stuff cuz I'm scared I'll cave. Everyone is telling me I'm making so much progress but I don't see it. I'm despairing and it's not good. I don't know maybe it was just one of those days? I went to bed at 8:45 but then woke up at 12:20 and now of course I can't fall back asleep... I'm just rambling sorry so I'll stop now. Thanks guys for listening.....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Lasthope
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12/25/13 9:27 AM
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What do you think you are doing for attention? Sounds like you are in a lot of emotional pain. Just cuz u can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.
 
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toy123
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12/25/13 9:37 AM
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Yes last hope I am in tons of emotional pain. U read between the lines correctly. I'm scared I act in certa in ways not necessarily because of my pain just because I want someone's attention and don't know how to ask for it so I act out say tthins I shouldn't or say them in a way that will scare pple versus saying it in a better way. I.e I haven't done this but saying I want to kill myself versus I'm struggling with very strong self harm urges. U get what I'm saying?


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Lasthope
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12/25/13 9:43 AM
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I think so, but I think you are just saying things out of pain, not for attention. Noone really wants to be in a place where they say they want to kill themselves. I've been in that place and felt it, and it wasn't something I wanted for attention even though I had those same thoughts you are bringing up trying to make me even more miserable. Since I am not feeling that way now I can objectively look at myself then and say that I was saying those things cuz I was in a lot of friking pain.
 
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I'mTrying
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12/25/13 10:07 AM
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Toy, I TOTALLY get it. I, too, feel that I say and do certain things for attention, that really they're not so bad but I say I'm suicidal when it's not yet that bad bc I want someone to care.....
You are in a lot of pain and all I can say is your words (although they may not be accurate in a purely physical or I guess mental way) are just reflecting that pain. that's all. You're not manipulating. You are just trying to explain how bad the pain really is.
 
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toy123
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12/25/13 10:40 AM
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Thanks guys for validating me it makes me feel so much better. U see I didn't sleep this whole night and had a horrible day yesterday that I wrote really graphic and gory poems that I plan on showing to my therapist. I also made collages about suicidw, hurt, but one was also about hopeful. I plan on sharing those with her too. Am I just doing this for attention? I know that she knows how much pain I'm in but I still feel like i need to show her. Like yesterday I sent her a poem that clearly said I'm suicidal.....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Cutiestarr
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12/25/13 12:43 PM
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Maybe there is something else you can do besides self-harm to relieve your pain? Eating a snack? Visiting a friend? Going on a walk to get your mind off of it?

I'm sorry if this is not helpful...I don't know you so well so I don't know if my suggestions will work, but sometimes music helps me.

Hope you feel better, toy. I'm thinking of you
 
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keep climbing
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12/25/13 3:06 PM
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Toy,I think it's normal that when you're in so much pain, you want to share it and get validation. And s'times therapists don't 'get' how awful we can feel, so it sounds quite normal to exaggerate it. I, personally, don't get validated by my doc or therapist. That comes only from my hubby and Frum Support.
 
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keep climbing
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12/25/13 3:10 PM
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BTW, I just left my therapist. For a lot of reasons, but one of them was that I felt she didn't sympathize with me enough. She always pushedme,things will get better, but I was suffering so much, and needed compassion......
 
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mouse
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12/26/13 12:41 PM
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Toy, you may not feel like you've come a long way, but if you told me you'd even consider not doing self harm a few months ago, I'd have fallen over backwards. I think it's great you're working so hard to keep yourself safe. It's hard work. I know. I haven't done anything much self harmful for about a yr. now. It hasn't been easy either. At times I want to self harm still, but it does get easier to not act on it. I've tried and failed many times. This is the longest I've been ok and let me tell you right now it's an easy decision, in a few hrs it may be tortuous. It's like that. If you can find some way to reward yourself perhaps for doing such a great job. Even by just acknowledging how far you've come is a biggie. (Feel free to write all you want about it on the Victories thread -- personally I think you should not only for your own sake but for others.) You're doing great. Struggling at doing great, but doing great. I'm rooting for you. You're gonna come out the winner..


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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