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TOPIC TITLE: hello all (first post and it is a rant)
Created On 1/1/14 9:48 PM
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RoseRed14
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i hate my life but you would not know it if you saw me. i take great pains in trying to hide it from all i interact with. i think most of my time is spent not going insane with the amount of utter stress and depression in my life. in honesty i want to scream and rage and rant to all who i see and who have hurt me. i dont want to be the good wife mother and daughter. i dont want to hide my emotions behind a mask of politeness. i dont want to deal with my life. no i will not kill myself, dont worry, but it has been a long time since i was able to say something like this anonymously. i wish g-d would stop taking his time making my life better. i dont feel like davening. i havent in at least a year constantly despite all the brachos that i have. its just the pain i have is too much and the weight that i bear in making my outer self be normal has reached a limit- at least that is what i tell myself which is less scary then saying that i dont care. too many curve-balls. too many punches (figurative ones). i want to care. i want to feel again like hope is more than a dream.
 
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MoMo
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Welcome aboard!!
Oy doesn't sound good :-(

The not being able to Daven is very very standard for people going through these type of things. Another member here who wrote a book about mental health (it's in the process of being printed) researched this topic. It's VERY common.

Are you in therapy?
 
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keep climbing
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Hello! It's so nice to have a new member!
If it's any comfort to you, you have a lot of company feeling this way.
But why do you have to keep everything a secret?
 
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RoseRed14
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hi everyone, no momo, i am not in therapy, even though i should be.
 
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RoseRed14
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and i dont keep it secret, at least to my hubby but what is the point in broadcasting it? what i need is a fairy g-mother to wave her wand and not fix my problems but at least lighten them. i am a poor working mom with very little outside monetary support in a job which is treating me like crud. i dont value davening but do all the outward mitzvos like shabbos and kosher and tznius. i am in a way going slightly otd in my late twentys with 2 kids and a hubby. i would never mechalel shabbos in spite or eat non kosher but davening, right now its like i would not be davening for a kesher with H'. i believe that their is a gd but like....... how many times can you ask for your life to get better and then have the things that you think are going to be good go horribly wrong (my older disabled brother got married but it was to a nut job and they got divorced, i got hired in a good school but they are treating me like crud, ect) and it just kept coming this year. since september bad things have happened to me with no end. true i have many brachos but cant the nisayons stop for at least a year so i can enjoy the brachos and gain my streght for the next one? all i am is very "tired".
 
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Lasthope
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Welcome! Sorry to hear about the pain......been there....still there a lot..... therapy can be very helpful to sort of some of the issues causing these feelings. As well as medication....
I can't daven when I'm in the throes of a depression because I can barely say the words straight. Don't be so hard on yourself for not davening. I found that the best way to connect to Hashem during those times was talking to Him straight: "Hashem, I am in a lot of pain. Please take this away" or whatever else comes to mind.
 
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channafofanna
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HEY!!! WELCOME!!!
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Can I ask why you arent in therapy if you should be? Like whats stopping you?
 
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RoseRed14
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Time. I work full time and have two kids. I also don't believe it will really work on me. The problems that I have aren't easy to change and some can never be. For my life to get better i need a time machine and a lot of money, or at least a better job and hope of more money.
 
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channafofanna
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What about the hope of a beter future?
Also ,do you think it would work on other people in ur situation ? cuz if yeah than its just proving to you your bias. you think YOU cant get better, but if I told you the same thing youd tell me to go to therapy and that id be ok, right?
 
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RoseRed14
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I love the movie RENT. its not the most chusuv movie/play. It involves drugs, AIDS and gily arayos. But their is one reason i watch it. it makes me cry. there is one scene where there is a group meeting for people with AIDS called Life support. whenever this group is featured they sing- "will i lose my dignity, will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" BH i dont have that sickness and i dont ascribe to any of the behaviors of the movie, but that line...... sometimes i feel like shouting it from the rooftops. sometimes i wish the people in my life would do what i would do for them, ask me if I am Really OK. Things are better today but still.......sigh. I wish some things in my life would be easier. seeing yeshuos but still slow.
 
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gad
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Brocho vesholom

I'm happy that things are better today, and they should be even better.

You ask Hashem to help you, but when He tells you what to do, (to follow a doctor's instructions) you don't.

The Torah tells us that a Hashem gives permission to a doctor to heal.
Many people in your situation feel that therapy can't help, and then when they try it, they are often pleasantly surprised.

Hope to hear good news from you
 
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RoseRed14
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Its not that i dont think therapy would work....I did something really horrible which affected my life, and i am very ashamed of myself. i live in a very jewish area in NYC and dont have that much wiggle room. all i think of is that if i say what i did, they will judge me, especially if they are frum. what i did could ruin my reputation and that of my family. i fear judgement and publicity. do i think therapy would work, yes, if i could completely trust my therapist and feel anonymous. i wish there was like online therapy where i could have anonymous texting sessions at my convenience, but their does not exist such a thing, except within a forum like this.
 
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gad
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Everyone does something that they later feel ashamed about. No one's perfect.

The important thing is to go on with life, and often we can use past unpleasant experiences to propel us forward.

So the crucial thing is to go on with life, even if the shameful event might possibly leak out. If therapy is crucial in enabling a person to go on with life, then it's important to utilize therapy.

The above would be the case even if there is a considerable chance that the past event could leak.

But since therapists are professionally bound and trained to keep things confidential (with certain exceptions), this makes the case much stronger for going to a therapist.


Edited: 1/21/14 at 6:28 AM by gad
 
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channafofanna
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they do have those online therapy things.. i dont know if they are scams or affective or anything, and they for sure arent frum, but maybe if thats all you can get that would help?
 
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RoseRed14
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that would help. i honestly dont have the time to go to a therapist directly or the money to spend if it is not covered under my insurance. in truth, my hubby does not want me to get therapy. not that he does not want me to get help or anything. we have BH a very open relationship and are able to talk about alot of stuff but the one thing i need help with is getting over my parents. i have ALOT of issues with them that BH still exist because the are still alive. my hubby cannot relate to me in that area and the things that i had to deal with growing up he just started to understand after BH almost 8 years. i need like a support group or something. he is very supportive but can never relate and he now has his own issues to deal with
 
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channafofanna
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so youre going to look into it?
 
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alharro
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Edited: 1/27/14 at 2:54 PM by alharro
 
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alharro
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would like to press reset on my life ...... hate every part of it
 
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keep climbing
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(((((HUGS)))) It's awful to feel like that. What's going on?
 
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alharro
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my son 18 year old is on psychiatric drugs for bi-polar - don't think will ever get him engaged - in a situation where getting blamed for his condition. money is tight .............. life sucks
 
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keep climbing
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Why do you think he won't get married?
 
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alharro
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who will want someone with bipolar
 
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gad
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I think that many people like your son have found very good shiduchim.

Sometimes people will do a tradeoff. They find someone who maybe has a different issue.

And everything is bashert. People with issues can be perfect for each other, and they often have the ability to accomplish beautiful and extraordinary things together, beyond the norm.
 
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Lasthope
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I am on psychiatric drugs for bipolar 2 and still got married and had kids. If hes meant to find someone he will. Whats important is that he is supported and felt validated in his struggle with this terrible illness. 18 is also quite young to be worrying about marriage. He needs yo fi d stability and positive outlets in his life. Then you can "worry" about shidduchim. I dont get what the obsession in the frum world is a out shidduchim. Just cuz you marry your kid off doesnt mean life will be blissful thereafter. Its important to focus on giving your kid what they need wether it be therapy and medicine, love and support before they go out and have to give it to someone else.
 
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alharro
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is the trigger of bipolar {meaning that it manifested itself} something that can be blamed one someone/something ? if i or his life or environment was different he would have just been "normal" regular ??
 
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alharro
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also cant get out of my system to accept him as he is DIFFERENT or that he put me in the situation of being a nebech !....
 
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alharro
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i put him in therapy hoping that it will make him normal - but have come to realize that he will always be different ............ and also the fact that he is costing me a fortune doesn't help
 
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alharro
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lasthope any ideas of positive outlet you mention ?? is it even possible to have a job ?
 
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alharro
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Gad thanks for your words - having a problem with this bashert thing - my friends and family apparently have healthy kids,good relationship & not so money tight .......... my life is upside down
 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: alharro
is the trigger of bipolar {meaning that it manifested itself} something that can be blamed one someone/something ? if i or his life or environment was different he would have just been "normal" regular ??


I think that there can possibly be many different factors involved. Environment can have an impact. But also genetic.

Bottom line is that you shouldn't blame yourself, since you try your best, and ultimately everything is bashert. So we can't say that if we had done this or that differently, it would have been different. Because once it was bashert to happen, it was bashert.

And we believe that everything that Hashem does is for our benefit, and even if we don't understand right now, one day we will appreciate it.
 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: alharro
also cant get out of my system to accept him as he is DIFFERENT or that he put me in the situation of being a nebech !....


Not nebech. Special. With extraordinary potential.
 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: alharro
i put him in therapy hoping that it will make him normal - but have come to realize that he will always be different ............ and also the fact that he is costing me a fortune doesn't help


It's not easy.

You should have lots of yiddishe nachas with good parnoso and good health.
 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: alharro
Gad thanks for your words - having a problem with this bashert thing - my friends and family apparently have healthy kids,good relationship & not so money tight .......... my life is upside down


Emunah is for the past. That we believe that everything that happened is bashert, and that it is for our ultimate benefit.

Bitochon is for the future. We trust that G-d, Who is good, will do good things for us.

Purim is coming up.

One lesson from Purim is, that things that seem upside now can very quickly turn right side up, and with much joy and happiness.
 
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alharro
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gad

thanks for your words -

special ......... not so sure - potential to do what ?
 
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gad
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To do good things
 
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alharro
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gad,

i see your message - i think you don't understand what it is to live with this every day. seeing other peoples lives just sailing by.
 
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gad
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I understand that it isn't easy.

But the question is, what to focus on.
 
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keep climbing
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Of course it's a shock to get such a diagnosis!
You have to let yourself grieve.
But please don't fall apart.
About other people having everything--it's just an illusion. We don't know what's happening behind closed doors.
I wish you the best, and you'll see-it will be good I"YH.
 
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alharro
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any ideas how to stay positive ?
 
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keep climbing
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This usually works for me when I have somethiing "heavy" on my mind-discuss and distract.
Talk it over with people you trust. Don't keep it in.
Distract yourself with nice activitiies-whatever you like.
DONT sit and brood!
 
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HopefulMommy
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Alharro, (((hugs))). You were given a very difficult nisayon. As keep climbing said, you need to give yourself time to grieve. Not to blame yourself, not to find someone else to blame, not to escape, but simply to grieve, until you are ready to accept your challenge as Hashem's will. It takes time. And don't try to problem solve while you are grieving. You'll deal with shidduchim later. Just take time for yourself. Do you have a therapist who can help you sort out your feelings?
 
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alharro
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hopefulmommy have been dealing with this for almost 4 years - i feel as i have had enough ..........
 
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HopefulMommy
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Enough of what - dealing with it or enough time for yourself?
 
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Lasthope
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Alharro- in terms of having a job it depends how much the illness is under control. I worked for a few years and then even bought and ran a business for four years with six employees working under me at a certain point. That was when i was on the right meds and managing. Now my illness has had a super trigger after my last pregnancy and im incapable of working to the point where im receiving disability. It all depends. But the point is to try to get your son to a place of stability- meds, therapy, prayer, exercise.. they all help.
in terms of outlets- they can be anything your kid likes.. sports, art, music, drama.... its just so important foe teens especially to have something they can express themselves through other than school. My theory on why my illness hit at the age it did is because thats when i stopped having a place to let my energy out thru sports and other creative outlets.
Also, dont blame yourself for your sons illness. Its all from Hashem.
 
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alharro
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hopefulmommy - enough of taking care of him - enough of living with this situation - apparently there is no way to run away from yourself .............. i wish i could
 
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alharro
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lasthope; my son has been more or less been stable for about 18 months on zyprexa 7.5 and 600 lithium - i can't picture him having a job - in the chasidish community not much sports/drama/art or music accepted. the reason i am now worrying is his classmates and cousins in the same age group are starting to get engaged - and i had thought that his condition was a well kept secret apparently not so .........

i was also thinking how does will he on meds even drive - if he gets an episode will probably make a horrific accident ?
 
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HopefulMommy
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No, you can't run away from yourself. But you can embrace yourself just the way you are and give yourself permission to grieve and to feel and to be human. Unfortunately, bipolar doesn't go away. It's like a disability. Likely, your son will have to learn to live with it for the rest of his life. And you need to go through all the stages of grief in order to accept that.

I also highly recommend a support group. It's great that you're reaching out to us here. Hopefully, people here will be able address your questions and concerns. You don't have to go through this alone. There are other people in similar situations. If you'd like I can put you in touch with a mother whose son has schizo-affective disorder. There are many others.
 
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Lasthope
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alharro, I really sympathize with you and it must be very hard. In terms of driving, if your son is pretty stable, why can't he drive? What kind of episode could he have?
Maybe the chasidish community is not for him if he doesn't fit the mold... maybe he can still find a way to express himself even though it's not standard. There are no art/music/creative classes in your community?
I found a wonderful article written by a mother who's son is bipolar: http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/690437/jewish/Raising-a-Child-with-Bipolar-Disorder.htm
 
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alharro
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last hope thanks for your words - i am thinking what happens if he gets a manic episode and thinks he is superman ?? and regarding not fitting the mold - if he goes out/off i am really screwed !!
 
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wishtobehappy
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lasthope, your posts are very insightful and I fully agree with you. Other than sports, it's a bit easier to find creative and healthy outlets in Israel, than it is in the States for some reason.

Allharo, living in a chassidish community myself, I understand your frustrations very well. Personally, I'm bipolar II and many of my past and present struggles are byproducts of or were aggravated by our cloistered, judgmental, one-size-fits all mentality. Personally, I've made certain choices for the sake of my sanity and had to deal with lots of judgment and scrutiny as a result. It's been very hard, but it made me a lot stronger and less dependent on others' opinions.

As for shidduchim, I avoided that particular hurdle, because I was diagnosed after I got married, but I faced a different set of challenges as a result. Also, one of my close family members got divorced as the result of marrying someone with a mental illness which hadn't been disclosed before, and another one recently got separated for the same reason. I know it's extremely painful to deal with, and having his diagnosis out in the open now will definitely compromise his shidduchim, but in the long run, it's in his and your best interest.

That being said, you sound burnt out and overwhelmed by more issues other than your son's MI. Others here have suggested you get more support that's probably your best bet. I wish you lots of Hatzlacha and peace of mind.
 
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