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TOPIC TITLE: downward spiral......for what?
Created On 12/3/05 6:52 PM
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bubbles
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12/3/05 6:52 PM
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I can't let go of the invisible line which seems to attach me to my father.

He abused me from a very young age.

I should feel angry.
I should be happy that he lives abroad and that there is no contact.

But for some unfortunate reason, whenever I think of him (which is often), I can almost see in my minds eye, a strong thick rope reaching across the seas. I am attatched to him in some unthinkable way.

It is torturous.
He doesn't really care whether I am dead or alive.
He doesn't care if he never hears from me again.
He is a narcissist who at the moment is completely involved in his own survival.

I don't think he hates me, but i don't believe he likes me either.
The sad reality is that he doesn't have the ability to care for anyone beyond his own skin.

So then why am I consumed by this sense of attatchement?
It makes no sense, and yet it is causing me alot of emotional pain, as well as allowing me to fall into a downward spiral towards the nothingness I so destest.

I would appreciate any thoughts on this matter.

thanks
B.
 
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ernie55B
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12/3/05 8:26 PM
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Bubbles,

I am sure you realize that your father is a very sick person. That doesn't excuse what he did, but perhaps if you view him in that light only, you will have easier time letting go of this sense of attachment which may represent your longing for a normal father-daughter
relationship.
BTW- I was happy you were able to put a
on your last note to me. It told me you were in a bit of a lighter mood.
I'm sorry to hear you are slipping; I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Ernie
P.S. I know Dr. Brown's rule, and I have no thoughts of doing anything other than that.
It makes alot of sense.
 
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bubbles
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12/4/05 9:46 AM
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Hi ernie,
Thanks for your prompt response. (as usual)
Hope u r doing okay.

It is really difficult for me to hear such negative comments about my father. (amazing isn't it?)
One would think that I might be glad to have support in a tirade against him.

But that is not the case.
I have this terrible need to protect him.
My heart is torn in two.
He is my father and yet he betrayed me.

My head whirls.
I feel dizzy, as though being pulled in two directions.

I think that perhaps part of the problem is that my fathers actions (molestation) and his personality do not match.
In other words, in his day to day life he is an extremely bright individual, with lots of university degrees and doctrates. He is a calm and quiet person. He goes about his business without bothering anyone else. People see him as a proffessor type character, lacking some social skills. As a young man, he was a Rabbi in a small community. He left because he didn't have the ability to communicate with the members of the Kehilla, plus surprizingly enough he was too honest, and offered sermons which were too difficult for the Klal to listen to. (lots of mussar).

I cannot comprehend how he was able to do what he did to me.
I just cannot accept it.
I don't understand it.

I have been reading and reading on the subject (incest), trying I supose to find some peace for myself.

I read a story about a frum girl who slept over at her best friends house whose father happened to be a local Rov in Boro Park.

To cut a long story short, as soon as the girls had retired for the night, the "Rov" climbed into bed with the friend........ no need to explain further.
It turns out that the "rov" had been in his daughters bed long before he found his way into her friends'.

This is where I am stuck.
How did the Rov switch from being a Rov to an abuser??
How?
How did my father switch from being a G-d fearing man, who has never missed a Minyan to a child molester??
How?

I am so depressed about it.
I feel myself going back to the "blame myself" syndrome.
It seems to be the only way I can "justify" the pain and sorrow embedded so deeply in my soul.

I know it is wrong, yet I turn to self balme and self destruction as easily as snapping my fingers.

I cry for the pain of my childhood.
I cry too for the sorrow I experience now.

And I also cry for my father who never was.

tears tears tears tears........ tears


Edited: 12/4/05 at 9:47 AM by bubbles
 
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ernie55B
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12/4/05 10:28 AM
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Bubbles,

I am really sorry if I made you feel worse. It is not amazing that it is hard to hear negative things about your father. He is still your father and human nature is such that you feel a need to love him and feel loved by him no matter what.
But please, please, do not fall into the trap of self blame. That's what abusers are all about. They get the abused person to believe it is all their own fault.
Please do not buy into that. How in the world could you as a little girl have done anything differently?
Be strong Bubbles, be strong! There are people counting on you. Don't let him destroy you.

I daven that HKB"H should provide some menuchas hanefesh for Bubbles from Brooklyn!

Ernie
 
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bubbles
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12/4/05 11:56 AM
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thank you Ernie,
i guess i could use some help from the higher echelons.
 
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bubbles
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12/4/05 3:42 PM
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I feel so despondent.
I am sick of therapy.
Sick of having to analyze and gouge out my insides.
i am sick of being forced to talk about my body and how much I hate it.
I am sick of having to feel all this pain all the time.

I am so sick and tired of it all.

I am sick of having to worry about paying the bills.
I am sick of that ugly feeling of nausea which grips me when my husband wants to discuss my kids summer camp plans, and how I expect to pay for it, since the largest expense in our household goes for therapy and my (not H's) daughter who is overseas.

There is a limit to my emotional strength.
and I think i have reached that limit.
I have T tommorow.
And all I want to do is sit on her couch and sleep.
Just close my eyes in a safe place, and sleep for 45min. I wish I could, but of course I won't. For $80 I can sleep in a hotel room. I am supposed to be working hard, but I don't feel like it anymore.



I am supposed to be using all my energy on healing and becoming whole. Instead it seems to be sapping my strength. On Shabbos I slept for 12 hours straight. And then I slept for another hour and a half in the afternoon, and then slept the whole night last night.......and I still feel tired!
Is that depression?
I have cut my meds in half, maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all.

sorry for this sorry post.
but thanks for reading.
 
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ernie55B
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12/4/05 4:33 PM
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Don't be sorry for any post. I've posted plenty of sorry posts. That's what this place is for.

Yes, that's depression, being tired all the time. No, you shouldn't cut your meds. in half.
Did you discuss it with Pdoc.?

Bubbles, you sure that after 5 years with this T it isn't time for a change?

Wish there was something I could do to ease your suffering.

Please hang on. It will get better.

Ernie
 
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bubbles
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12/4/05 5:28 PM
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No way I could even contemplate starting again with another T.

I don't think I'd be better off with someone else.
She always says she's commited, and on some level I believe she is.

I've been wanting to get off Provigil for a long time, and I have discussed it with dr. She reluctantly agreed, b/c i was so persistant, but she will not allow me to stop the anti-depresant Lexapro.

We discussed stopping Provigil at the end of June, but after experiencing disturbing side effects, I went back onto the full dose.
Recently I got angry with T over money issues, and I quit for one whole week. After I'd managed one week, I decided it was stupid to start again.

stupid, I know.
self destructive, I know.

will it ever get better?
i find that difficult to believe.
 
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ernie55B
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12/4/05 6:53 PM
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I never believed I would feel better either. I was consumed with suicidal thoughts. I was cutting myself.
B"H right now I am at a point where I can say to myself- it wouldn't be so bad if I lived another week.
That is quite an improvement!

E
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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12/5/05 12:04 AM
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Bubbles,
Sometimes I find it helpful to try to separate yourself from the illness. For example, the statements: "I will never get better", or "the suffering will never end", etc, id the illness talking- it is NOT the REAL YOU. I think it is important to label the negative, destructive thoughts as such, and remind yourself that in essence, you are a pure neshama. The feelings of shame and guilt that you feel on a daily basis are very common, yet they are not YOU.
A Lynn
 
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