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TOPIC TITLE: MoMo's Ramble II
Created On 1/7/14 7:29 PM
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MoMo
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1/7/14 7:29 PM
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I'm off from college and don't have much to get up for I was in bed all day today. Aside from the depression I am livid at myself for being this way. Anger wouldn't suffice to describe how I feel toward myself -it's worse than that. I loath myself.

Growing up it didn't matter why I forgot to polish my father's shoes. It didn't matter how I was feeling all that mattered is that my father didn't have what he wanted and he would rage at me.

It didn't matter that overall I was a decent kid if I made a mistake I would pay for it.
Why couldn't I have been treated with more compassion?

The darkness has been here since childhood. I've been trying to ruin away from it as far back as I can remember. I was at the top of my class and tried to be the perfect kid in hopes of being deserving of light.
If I'm ever unproductive the darkness comes flooding back.

I was never molested or denied food or anything crazy like that but nonetheless I grew up in very dark emotional conditions.
Just visiting my parent's home instantaneously floods me with darkness.

My therapist tells me that the fact that I am regressing when I'm off from college doesn't mean that I didn't make progress or that I won't get better. He says that I am biased to see things negatively and harshly and need to know that it's not necessarily reality.

Relief (the referral organization) is supposed to get back to me about another doctor to go to for medication.

I HATE squandering my life like this. I so desperately want to accomplish big things please pray for me that I heal.

Staying in bed is also painful for me in the long run. Additionally it has very little meaning. It's definitely not what I want to do. But what DO
I want to do?
That's what I have to figure out!!
I feel like there are these global feelings of guilt and low self esteem that are stopping me from really doing ANYTHING meaningful.

All I ever needed was some normalcy, to have my emotions taken into consideration and then maybe a little love as a bonus wouldn't have hurt.
 
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Cutiestarr
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1/7/14 10:16 PM
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I also admire you because despite these very real difficulties, you find the positives in your victories thread, and you can tell you truly want to feel better. Besides for all this it must be very difficult to get through college - I don't know if I could do it - yet your illness doesn't stop you from achieving your goals.

That was for MoMo, but for everyone I feel like I learn so much from you. A part of me sees myself in a lot of us.
Thank you for this website, and for everyone sharing your insights.


Edited: 1/8/14 at 1:09 PM by Cutiestarr
 
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shtarkebachur
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1/9/14 12:30 AM
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MoMo, I'm coming from a similar situation, where I was always a perfectionist with very critical parents. I still beat myself up for every imperfect thing I do, and yes, I often waste time because I don't feel very motivated to do a good job - after all, It will never be good enough!
My therapist, (whom I've been seeing for around 2 years and am currently only seeing sporadically) says that I gotta purposely do things imperfectly, in order to heal. It's SO SO hard, but when I succeed, I feel really nice.

My main point right now is that I've felt deeply depressed in the past, but now it's less of an overwhelming part of my life, because of therapy, hard work, getting paying jobs, completing a bachelor's, etc. And tefilla. So as dark as it is now, i believe you really are making progress. You have to trudge through a lot of dark territory before you see the light. You can't skip the dark territory. It's part of the journey. But you can make it easier and more productive by fighting to increase joy in your life. I think you're doing a great job at that, based on what you just said.


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Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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MoMo
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1/9/14 1:01 AM
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Thanks Cutiestar and Shtarkebachur!

Here's my ramble:
I had another day of spectacular underacheivement (as in spending most of the day online watching old TV episodes). But I hear that it's not as uncommon as one may think. I am told that when people are off from work/school or whatever a lot of people struggle with how to fill that time constructively and might end up wasting that time online etc.
From your experience with peopole is that true??

I did show up to my therpay session (thank g-d). My therapist wants me to challenge my negative beliefs about myself so I'm gonna try to do that here (you guys will be privliged to have box seat tickets -it will be interesting!!)

On another note, when I visited my brother and sister in law today I encountered a difficult social situation. I was afraid of my social anxiety being seen and them 'discovering' that there is something wrong with me and that I'm 'weird'. This fear made it hard to interact comfortably.

But I did interact. Does appearing self conscious and not-confident render someone as weird and unworthy??
This is the belief I grew up with but I don't want to hold onto it. It's a brutal way to view myself. It's very uncompassionate to the fact that I'm lacking confidence. Its basically saying that I'm worthless because I'm not-confident socially!!
It's also taking it a step further by assuming that OTHERS also share this world view!!!!!!

Teaching oneself how to be self compassionate is one of the most difficult human undertakings! But let's plug away at it!!! (is that an english word?). One step at a time we"ll make progress!!!

What I'm very worried about lately is the fact that I can't focus on anything. I can't think straight!!!
My mind is fried!!!
It's a side effect of exsessive worry/depreesion/anxiety/etc. but it freaks me out. Like will it ever get back to normal???
 
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MoMo
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1/9/14 1:07 AM
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For tomorrow I want to:
1) Wake up by at least 11:30am (I know some of you might consider that way late but for me it's better than staying in bed ALL day..)
2) Go to a shiur in the afternoon (if I'm up to it)
3) Go down to the office of a certain organization in order to volunteer

Hopefully that'll get my day heading in the right direction.

Big things are built one step at a time -brick by brick by brick.
 
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MoMo
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1/9/14 8:53 PM
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So today didn't go as I would have liked but it still went in the right direction. I had a harder time than I anticipated getting out of bed. I was tired and lacking motivation. But in the end I did get out and got to take care of some things..

I offered to volunteer for a local organization. I had a long heart to heart conversation with a relative which was helpful. I want to keep in mind that he likes me and feels close to me. He empathized with what I go through. At least I'm not totally alone.

I got rejected by someone today which hurt but does rejection from a shidduch-standpoint mean that the person thinks I'm a worthless human being? An embarrassment to society? A weirdo?
It's amazing that a part of me automatically assumes this. Maybe she just feels that she's looking for something slightly different.
The only reasons I can come up with for why she's not interested is because I'm deficient in some area...
Oh well...

How can I counter this thought??

I am not yet as productive as I'd like to be. I'd like to get up very early each morning. Learn/Daven and then put in a full day's work and then do Chessed and take care of things at home and then spend time with friends and also learn and relax and have hobbies and accomplish big things and learn new things etc etc.
Just reading what I wrote I can see that I expect too much. No?
Most people just aren't THAT productive.

Is there some relation between expecting more than average and then accomplishing less than average?

I guess that while I strive to be better It might be worthwhile to try to be happy with where I am. Who says it's not good enough????
Who decides what is and what isn't good enough???
Maybe for someone like me who's gone through a lot and is simply trying to get on his own two feet (with minimal emotional support) maybe it is enough!!!!

Whoever thinks it isn't enough I'm ready to take them on and debate it!! It's this cruel harsh voice that I grew up with that nothing I ever do is good enough. I'm sick of that voice running my entire life. I get that you're here to stay but don't f'n think that you run the show. I'll hear you out and I wont try to get rid of you (not that I can if I wanted to) but I can't always believe what you say -even though you say it with such moral indignation and as though you are better than me. You're not better than me. You are heartless and not taking my feelings into account.

I guess I was kind of talking back to the part of me that is the voice of my critical mother from my childhood who would heartlessly make me feel bad about myself.


Edited: 1/9/14 at 9:08 PM by MoMo
 
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keep climbing
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1/10/14 4:42 AM
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Wow, Momo! Well said!
I agree with every word!
 
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MoMo
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1/10/14 2:31 PM
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I have things to take care of today but I'm lethargic and don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to face this crazy painful world. I don't want to face unending pain. I don't have the energy for it.

I believe that I'm in a clinical depression. I need medication. It doesn't seem like will power alone is going to do the trick.

There is a part of me that is mercilessly beating me up for being stuck like this. I want to physically lash out at myself and give myself what I deserve for behaving the way I am.
Its the voice of my father who would sometimes lash out physically for misbehavior.

The truth is that I HATE under achieving. I don't need to be beaten in order to change. I want to change on my own. I am a feeling human being not a robot.
 
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Lasthope
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1/11/14 4:26 PM
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You are a wonderful human being. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel better
 
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keep climbing
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1/11/14 7:01 PM
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Momo, how was Shabbos? Also, when does school start again?
 
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MoMo
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1/11/14 11:20 PM
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LastHope, what makes you say that?
KeepClimbing thanks for asking! p.s. how was your Shabbos?? How are you doing?? What did you decide to do re your therapist??

Today's Ramble:
I feel guilt. Nu. I'm gonna deal with my feelings but I'd also like to keep forging ahead.

I went to a School reunion. A part of me is being hard on myself for not being more outgoing and confident. I did feel a little like an outsider. It's sad. But another part of me knows that my mind is only giving half the story. The other half of the story is that I 'performed' (I worry about how I come across) ok. I was not 'off' in any way. In the past I've been very nervous at these type of events this time I was just mildly self conscious. It's OK that my mind churns a lot of negativity and is very worried about how I come across and what that means as far as my prospects for the future. That's OK. I guess I'm really very worried and not too confident. Nu.

I am volunteering for an organization tomorrow morning. I hope it goes smoothly. Wish me luck people!
I want to TRY to exercise tomorrow morning for 45-hour.

I was taught to hate myself and beat myself up. My goal is not to fight back. It is what it is. This is what I was taught. It's the history I was destined to experience. I guess I just want to take it with a grain of salt and not take it too seriously. Every now and then I can try to offer an alternative more sympathetic voice. I can hang around sympathetic people and try to internalize the kindness around me. I can keep busy and try to accomplish things so that the negativity wont have as much space to operate.
It is what it is. There is this self-loathing and self-critical voice in my head.

Is it my enemy? How does one treat an enemy that's embedded deeply within ones own psych??

Part of my depression is because I take these self critical thoughts so seriously. I am frustrated that I have these thoughts. I feel helpless of ever getting rid of them. But maybe I can let them live within me but just not take them so seriously. Does that make any sense??

Either way, I'm gonna try to accomplish some things this week. I think it would be stupid to try to be perfect and do everything right. If I get some things right (like accomplish a few things per day, try to stay engaged in life, try to be a little productive, try to eat some healthy foods, try to exercise a little) that would be a great accomplishment.
 
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Lasthope
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1/12/14 2:24 AM
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I believe that you will get better, that's all. It's called emunah.
 
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shtarkebachur
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1/13/14 12:42 AM
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Momo, I was pretty depressed and severely anxious 3 years ago. Over the past 3 years, I saw it slowly reduce to a very manageable amount. It took a good therapist and a lots of hard work and taking action in many areas of my life despite feeling hopeless and worthless.

I still struggle with these feelings. But it's a far cry from feeling hopeless. I think you can reach this point as well.

i stil have that self-loathing voice in my head. It hurts a lot, and it's very frustrating taht after all this work it's still there. But I realize that it has much less power over me, because I've become more aware of the underlying issues and mainly because I've built up my self-respect by doing actual work and developing skills.


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Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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MoMo
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1/13/14 1:27 AM
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Shrarkebachur, the issue I'm facing is that I'm meeting with a top-notch therapist for like 6-7 years and while there's been some improvement I'm just not on my feet yet..
I think what you said about doing actual work and developing skills is something I want to focus on more. If I can acquire real skills that there's a demand for I think my self respect will increase. Thanks for pointing that out!

I tried very hard to forge ahead today. I want to keep in mind that while I accomplished a lot today I wont always accomplish this much and that's OK.

The internalized mean voices are telling me what a bad person I am.
But why?
For not being more for not being better than I am.

Guys it's so important to praise your kids and let them know that who they are is OK.
A shaddchan I deal with just sent me an email detailing some qualities she thinks I have. I just don't believe it yet. I printed it out to read it over. I guess the first step would be to just hear what's being said.

I'm not sure I'm great. I definitly have limitations and flaws but BAD? That's a very powerful and debilitating thing to be walking around thinking about myself...
Nu.

All I can do is chip away at it bit by bit by bit. Who knows maybe one day my perspectives will shift...
 
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MoMo
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1/13/14 11:25 PM
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So I was learning with my chavrusa tonight and he seemed uninterested that bothered me. After inquiring about how he's doing it turns out that he isn't feeling well.
A part of me is so used to disapproval that I automatically assume it.

The fact is that by any measure I worked very hard today and accomplished a lot. But for some reason there is a part of me that can't stand me acknowledging this. I'm not sure why.

After thinking a little, I think that I don't want to be judged not even positively. I am not a machine. I don't want my self worth to be dependent on the fact that I accomplished a lot.
 
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keep climbing
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1/14/14 5:13 AM
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True about the judging. We just want to be accepted, not judged.
 
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shtarkebachur
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1/14/14 10:06 AM
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It's good that your so insightful about your issues, because it gives you an edge in the struggle.
I agree about not wanting to be judged. In my experience, I became less worried about this as I accomplished things in the real world; it gave me a kind of buffer against other people's judgements, because I had something to point to when I felt judged.

I've always been considered "talented" but that didn't help my self-esteem. I had to use those talents and actually produce and create in order to feel worthwhile. You "should" feel loved because of who you are, not just because of your work. That's important in a relationship.

Work is something that helps you respect yourself more. It's a slow process, so keep at it even after you have setbacks!


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Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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MoMo
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1/14/14 11:17 PM
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So I was recently presented with a potential opportunity to work for a well respected firm. I am conflicted because on the one hand it's a dream job that anyone would die for (It pays very well and is a great atmosphere and tons of room for growth. I also know the boss very well which is a huge plus. He's a great guy and very understanding).

My issue is that I honestly don't believe I can do the job. I struggle socially, interacting with so many people in a fast pace office environment is a minefield!! Additionally, I don't think I have the focus for it. All the worry/anxiety/depression limits my ability to focus and keep track of things...

Perhaps if I get a good psychiatrist maybe I can get a good medication that would get me through the first few months until it's less anxiety provoking. Also I'm considering getting a therapist who is good with these specific issues and meeting him like 2-3 times per week for the first few months till I can succeed...
What do you guys think??

On another note, I was just at a classmate's wedding. I bumped into two guys and started schmoozing with them (I took some xanax to help me ease up). It was AMAZING to see that one of the guys started quivering slightly and had a hard time conversing (the background is that they are old classmates who I haven't seen in years so it's a somewhat awkward social encounter). He is a 'normal' guy, married, with a good job, and has friends, etc. but he found the social encounter very intimidating to the point of quivering. This happens to me often and I'm always so embarrassed about my lack of confidence. It was amazing to see that others have this difficulty too. The other guy who was part of the conversation was more confident but also couldn't keep the conversation going for too long and excused himself. This was so new to me.

Another guy who's considered very confident also struggled and made a totally irrelevant comment (If it was me I would have beaten myself up for being a weirdo etc).
In general, very few of the guys were fully confident and free. And no one had anything brilliant to say.
 
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shtarkebachur
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oy it took me so long to realize that hardly anyone says brilliant things in everyday conversation! Yeah, it seems others are less embarrassed of their social awkwardness than you or I.

I think you should take the job. If it's really so incredibly painful, you let me know and I'll give you permission to quit.


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Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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Lasthope
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1/15/14 4:43 PM
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Sounds like an amazing opportunity. But don't push yourself if you're not ready. Finding a new psychiatrist sounds like a good idea though. good luck with the decision.
 
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Cutiestarr
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1/15/14 5:45 PM
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Wow that's great Momo! I think this really speaks to your skills and strengths!

If you don't mind me asking, when you say opportunity, you mean the firm offered you an interview? If so maybe try it out, the worst that can happen is you get a different job if the interview doesn't work out.

Or did they offer you a job? If so then probably your social skills are up to their standards, since there is a lot of competition these days and you stood out.

Let me know how things go. Excited for you, Momo!!!
 
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MoMo
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1/16/14 12:39 AM
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ShtarkeBachur and LastHope, thanks!
Cutiestarr, I know the boss and he kind of offered me a job. He didn't commit to it but he said he's going to try to figure out which part of the company would suit me. I guess we"ll see what happens..
 
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MoMo
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I took like a dozen different social risks today and to me it feels like for the most part they flopped.
I feel burned out. Having a hard time feeling the positive today...

Oh well....
 
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HopefulMommy
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1/16/14 1:21 AM
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The job sounds like a great opportunity. Hope you're brave enough to take it!
 
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channafofanna
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Btw- in general pretty much everyone theese days is socially awkward... like its weird to not be weird....
Good for you for taking the "risks"
Let us know what happens with the job, k?
 
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MoMo
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1/22/14 1:33 PM
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Hi everyone how are you guys doing?

I was out of town this week on vacation and also dating someone.
I was feeling better than I have been feeling in a while but now there are some things bothering me.
The person i was dating didn't want to continue; the shadchan reported that she felt our personalities didn't match also she didn't feel any pull (I guess that means attraction?).
I know logically that this doesn't mean I'm deffective or totally undesireable but a part of me feels that way nonetheless.

I guess I have to be honest with myself and recognize that the shadchan also reported back that the girl thought I was intelligent and caring. They (the girl and/or her mother) thought I would be good for someone else that they know.

But it hurts that I wasn't wanted.


Edited: 1/29/14 at 12:12 AM by MoMo
 
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keep climbing
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There's a nice article in the Family First (Mishpacha) about introverts.

Momo, rejection is a huge problem for me as well. Wish I knew what to tell you.....
 
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Lasthope
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1/28/14 8:10 AM
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Did you like the girl? Did you want to continue?
 
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HopefulMommy
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Sorry that it didn't work out with the girl. Don't feel bad about it. Sounds like she thought highly of you if she would recommend you to someone else. It just wasn't bashert. Glad you enjoyed your vacation.
 
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MoMo
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Thanks so much for the feedback!
 
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MoMo
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I'm in a bad headspace. I'm angry at myself for not being more productive. I wanted to exercise but i wasn't in the mood I binged instead :-P

I'm sick of myself. I guess I'm in a self loathing mood.
I'm also angry I'm sick of everything and everyone.
 
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I'mTrying
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You are still a good person, MoMo. You have so many victories (including recording your victories hameivin yavin). Give yourself permission to cut yourself some slack. Everyone has an off day, and all it means is that you are part of the human race. Anger and other negative feelings are part of the experience as much as we don't like them.. let yourself just be. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. We are here to support you, and no one thinks less of you for feeling the way you do. In fact we actually understand it and I daresay many of us if not all of us have experienced days like yours.
With all honesty,
your fan club??
 
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MoMo
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2/2/14 12:52 AM
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I'm trying, thank you for the chizuk it's much appreciated.
 
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HopefulMommy
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2/2/14 12:56 AM
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I'm in on the fan club , and second everything I'mTrying said. Hope you have a better day tomorrow, Momo!
 
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MoMo
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Hopeful mom, thank you it means a lot.
 
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Lasthope
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How are you doing Momo? How was shabbos?
 
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channafofanna
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Can I join the fan club?
 
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I'mTrying
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I just want to add that I am sure about the fan club just my computer for some reason adds 2 question marks to the end of sentences and I don't always catch it.... ??
And everyone who is with us here on FS is part of the fan club... we are each others fans!!
Today bH I am in a productive and positive space I pray that it will last. And if it doesn't I'll have to take my own words to heart- a lot harder than telling them to someone else lol
Have a great day everyone!
 
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MoMo
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Thanks guys for the support!!

I'm having a very sluggish day and I'm not sure why. I think it's just burnout from everything being soo difficult. Blah..
I guess it's a good thing that it's sunday an off day so that maybe by tomorrow I'll have more energy and be in a better mood.
 
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channafofanna
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Hows youre monday going? =D
 
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MoMo
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Hey Chanah thanks for asking.

It seems I'm having withdrawal from a medication. I forgot to take it yesterday. A part of me wants to just sleep today I am not yet sure I can fight it.

How is your Monday going?
 
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MoMo
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I had a pretty good two weeks (the past two weeks) and now it feels like I'm reverting back to where I was.

The past two weeks I was feeling more positive, was able to eat healthier and exercise and I went to minyon more, etc.

Now I'm finding all those things very hard and I'm getting upset at myself for not learning and davening more. For not being more proactive about finding a job. For not eating better and exercising and for not accomplishing more.

I liked the way I was the past two weeks and it's very hard for me to accept what I'm like now.

I feel like It's not OK to not Daven and to not learn. Also there is this voice saying that a future spouse wouldn't accept me like this..
But I don't have that drive that I had two weeks ago.

Should I try to get back that drive? Should I accept an inferior me?
How do I respond to that inner critic that says I won't be accepted shidduchim- wise unless I'm functioning better..
 
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HopefulMommy
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2/4/14 1:22 AM
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That's the story of our lives: ups and downs. Don't let the down bring you even more down that it has to. This too shall pass. Feel better!
 
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MoMo
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2/4/14 11:46 AM
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I am who I am.
I usually try to improve myself and do the right thing.
I'm far from perfect and will never be perfect but I strive to improve.

It's easy to take anyone apart and criticise what they're doing wrong but I don't want to live with that type of attitude.

I'd rather focus on what I do right and what I can accomplish instead of obsessing over the things I currently find difficult.

The bottom line is that I had/have an extremely difficult life i lived with consistent verbal and emotional abuse I was not properly nurtured and was made to feel ashamed of myself. It can take a lifetime to overcome a legacy like that. It's unfair to myself not to realise where I'm coming from.

The very fact that I'm in college working hard and trying to be disciplined and trying to get a degree is an accomplishment.

So I still struggle with different things. Nu. That's my nisoyon. Does that make me less of a human being?

I refuse to accept that if someone struggles with different issues but tries their best that they are somehow inferior. I don't want to believe that. So I'm ok with the thought (I can't stop it) but I'd rather believe that I do have value and that I'm a worthwhile human being.

Whatever these are just thoughts. I'm gonna continue DOING what I gotta do and I'm gonna try to cultivate the belief that I am worthwhile and that I am ok the way I am as long as I try MY best.

Screw all the critics.
 
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gad
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2/4/14 12:00 PM
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The first halocho in shulchan aruch is to not be intimidated by the scoffers.
And it says that Hashem rewards according to effort.
 
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keep climbing
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2/4/14 7:51 PM
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How are you doing today, Momo?
 
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MoMo
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2/6/14 2:15 PM
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I woke up feeling very overwhelmed and knocked out. Strange. So I skipped college today

I suspect that I might have been pushing myself too hard lately in an effort to accomplish and move forward but maybe I need to take it easy a little and do things because I enjoy them.

I'm confused bcause I know that working hard is important but when I do I feel overwhelmed I'm not sure if I should push myself or not.

A part of me wants to have a lazy day today and just veg out In bed and do nothing this might even be good for me but another part of me made a whole list of things I could/should do today. If I do those things I might feel accomplished but on the other hand it might be pressuring to have a list of things to do.

I"d rather take it easy today but I'm not sure if that's the right thing.

What do you guys think?
 
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MoMo
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2/6/14 6:55 PM
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I was in bed all day today. A part of me now feels like a worthless human being. A part of me is beating myself up. How can you be such a worthless jerk??!!!!! I feel that I SHOULD get beaten up for who I am and what I do.

As a child or teenager I would be treated exactly like that by my father. I guess he instilled this mindset in me.

Does anyone deserve to be beaten??? This lack of tolerance and rage is toxic and sickening.

I wish I would've been treated with understanding. It still hurts.

A part of me feels broken.

Why did you do this to me? Why was I raged at so much?

A part of me thinks that my parents were wrong and irresponsible and that it's ok to realize this and know that they acted badly and that it's not OK but another part of me feels that I'm not allowed to think this way. Of course they're right! They're the parents!!

It's so hard for me to separate myself from what I was taught. I feel guilty.

These are all such painfully hard thoughts and feelings - it's too much for me.
 
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getMeOutOfHere
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2/6/14 6:55 PM
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If you reread your post, I think you pretty much answered your own question. Why not give yourself one day to chill and recharge? Giving yourself this time to refresh will allow you to be more productive afterward. If you don't take a break, you may start feeling worse and have to miss more college.
 
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MoMo
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2/6/14 7:05 PM
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Thanks GMOH!

The thought that crossed my mind is why does what my parents taught me stick in my head so much. Just because they're MY parents doesn't make what they think any more valid than any other human being. It's their attitude versus your attitude. Who says they're right maybe you're right?

For some reason their way of thinking has a grip over me. Nu. I guess that's the way hashem made it. God gave parents a tremendous influence over the minds of their children. I'm going to chip away at this mindset until I get someplace.
 
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