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TOPIC TITLE: MoMo's Ramble II
Created On 1/7/14 7:29 PM
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keep climbing
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Momo, feelings are not wrong. If I feel anger and dismay at Ihow my parents raised me(and I do,) then that is how I feel.
So forget the guilt. It's o.k. to feel that way. Really.
About spending the day in bed, this is my take:
Sometimes I really am tired, overwhelmed.....and I def. need a break. But staying in bed is a disaster because all the crazy thoughts come to torment me.I have to find relaxing things that I enjoy-that enable me to relax, but don't let the monster in. For me, that means music, DVDS, reading, excercise, walking outdoors, nature, s/thing good to eat..
Hope this helps..
 
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MoMo
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2/6/14 7:15 PM
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I was really very tired and lacked energy to push myself to exercise or push myself to do things so I rested (all day :-/)

It made sense to me before but after the fact I'm beating myself up brutally.

Whatever. I don't care.

Thank you Keep Climbing! How are things by you?
 
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MoMo
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2/7/14 4:00 PM
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I spent yet another day in bed. I just wasn't up to doing anything. Now I HATE myself. I am angry and disgusted with myself. I hate feeling this way.

A part of me doesn't want to live.

I'm sick of constantly fighting and getting no where I'm just sick of everything. This world is a cruel place. I wish i was never born.
 
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MoMo
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2/7/14 4:02 PM
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I don't want to live like this anymore
 
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gad
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2/7/14 4:05 PM
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Sorry that things are so difficult now.

I hope that you will very soon have good news to share.
 
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keep climbing
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2/7/14 4:32 PM
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Momo,it's not your fault. Please don't beat yourself.
Any plans for Shabbos?
 
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MoMo
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2/11/14 10:59 AM
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I have this internalized critic and bully. This part of me puts a gun to my head to force myself to do things.

This inner critic is always telling me how I'm way behind on my college classes - making me feel bad about myself.

The bully part of me tries to put a gun to my head to make sure I correct this and force myself to study more.

Reasoning with these parts of me doesn't seem to work very well.

Do any of you struggle with this constant internal criticism and bullying?
How do you deal with it?
 
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MoMo
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I'm sick of trying to defeat these "voices" it doesn't seem to work.

Should I just not fight it?
Will it go away on its own?
 
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MoMo
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2/13/14 2:58 AM
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At the end of the day I put in effort today. I did college work. I gave someone a ride even though it was very inconvenient for me. I am thankful that I have my own apartment. I am thankful that I can buy my groceries and food.
 
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channafofanna
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2/16/14 9:17 AM
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clap clap clap!!! Youre doing so much!!!
 
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MoMo
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2/16/14 11:11 AM
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Thanks for that round of applause!

Last night I was disciplined about studying.
I was patient with my brother.
I am happy that my parents are both pretty much healthy.
 
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gad
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2/16/14 3:02 PM
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Hope to hear continued good news


Edited: 2/16/14 at 3:04 PM by gad
 
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MoMo
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Thank you Gad!

I did a tiny act of kindness today. I tried to be disciplined. I showed my appreciation to two people who've been there for me.
I was not feeling well (feeling dizzy and out of it) but I pushed myself through it to try my best.

A lot of things in my life are really really rough. The pain I go through causes my brain to not be able to work well and this scares me.

I want to have faith that God will ultimately heal me and give me what I need. I know he will. He's my father he wants me to succeed.

I want to think that I have potential and that I am a worthwhile likeable person. I was fed these poisonous lies about myself that there is something terribly wrong with me and that I'm a bad person. I was made to feel guilty for feelings like anger. I was made to feel bad about myself and I was made to feel guilty for being imperfect. Shame on my mother for manipulating me to feel guilty about myself. You had no feelings towards me - you failed me. I was born whole and you broke me. The way you treated me was heartless and thus evil. You inculcated me with the false belief that I'm flawed and that everything I do is flawed. According to most professionals it isn't possible to get rid of this way of thinking only to drown it out. I will never forgive you for the pain and wasted accomplishments that I could have accomplished if I wasn't bogged down by the lessons of guilt and shame that you taught me.

My goal in life is to undo what you taught me.
You would always tell me "shame on you" for minor innocent mistakes that I'd make.
I say shame on you for being ruthless and mean to an innocent child. Shame on you.
 
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MoMo
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2/17/14 2:50 AM
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I am thankful that I have a car.
I am thankful that I have money to buy the basic things I need.
I am thankful that I have a comfortable apartment.
I am thankful that I have access to healthcare.
I am thankful that I have the basic clothing that I need.
I'm thankful that I have access to medications.
I am thankful that I live in a good community full of good people.
I'm thankful that I have thus far been able to keep up with college work.

I know that in the long run things will work out.
Because: 1) I'm committed to keep trying. I will give up for a period of time and sometimes for a long period of time but eventually I'll find a way to try again and stay in the game.
2) God is my father and while he sees it necessary to test me with all the pain I endured and still endure he surely won't do this forever.
3) Things change. I can't count out the fact that something totally unexpected can alter the entire landscape of my life.
A few years ago a tragedy in my life actually altered everything for the better!
 
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MoMo
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2/17/14 2:56 AM
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On Shabbos I was able to converse with relatives a bit more comfortably than in the past. That's progress. At this stage in recovery (working through the real hard stuff) that's considered progress.

I kept myself busy on an off day. That's progres a year ago i didn't have the things i now have to keep myself busy.
 
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keep climbing
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2/17/14 5:52 AM
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Wow! You sound great,b"h.
 
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MoMo
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I only presented one side of the coin. The other side is that I don't feel great at all.
I get headaches and can't sleep and can't function and think straight...
 
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MoMo
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Even a short response shows that you read it and care so thank you!
P.s. how are you doing lately?
 
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channafofanna
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2/17/14 9:18 AM
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But you are seing a side of the coin.. that is great in itself..
 
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keep climbing
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Thanx for asking. I'm doing o.k. b"h.
The other side of the coin sounds tough. It's very hard when you can't sleep.
Did you start with a new pdoc?
 
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MoMo
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Chana that is true. I want to try to see whatever good there is otherwise I'll despair.

KeepClimbing, what's causing you to be doing good lately?

As far as my new Pdoc yes I met with a top notch pdoc (his name is Robert Grossman) after meeting me for an hour he decided that I have ADHD which I disagree with. Anyway he put me on Ritalin which I'm trying out. Today is my second day on it. Only difference so far is that I am eating less which is good since I'm trying to lose a few pounds...
 
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MoMo
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Actually he put me on Conerta which is Ritalin but slow release.
 
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keep climbing
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2/17/14 2:26 PM
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Wow! Why does he think you have ADD?
As far as my feeling better-it's hard to know. There are always so many factors involved in this thing. Physical activity is def. imp. for me. I have to keep moving.
 
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MoMo
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I was a little fidgety when I was waiting for him. Also I have a slight concentration problem but as far as I can tell its due to worry/anxiety/depression not ADD.
He is known to diagnose people with ADD.

My thinking is that even if I don't have ADD Ritalin can help. A lot of college kids take it before finals to help them concentrate...

You are right about exercise. I really should exercise today but I have so much college work to catch up on. Hopefully I'll exercise tomorrow.
 
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I'mTrying
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2/17/14 8:28 PM
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I am thankful for all my friends here on FS. I am thankful for the positive role models who post here and inspire me. Even with bad days.
I am thankful that bH my new therapist is proving so far to be a good match for me.
I am thankful that I have a friend who lent me A LOT of money.
I am thankful that I was able to get a bit of studying done today.
I am thankful that the medication seems to be working and my terrible depression went down to moderate depression.
I am thankful that I don't need to worry about shabbos plans.
 
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MoMo
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2/17/14 9:54 PM
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I'll take that for now.
We are all rooting for you!!!!
 
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MoMo
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I tried to be useful to people (I gave someone a ride).
I exercised discipline and spent a nice amount of time studying davened with minyon.

I exercised discipline by not succumbing to my headache etc. I tried to ride it out.

I am thankful that I have the funds to buy the things I need.
I am thankful that I am being suggested some shidduch suggestions. I just gave someone a yes.

If I continue to be tenacious and keep on trying to move ahead then maybe eventually things will work out.
 
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moshe
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2/19/14 10:17 PM
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Hi Momo,
I basically just read beginning of your postings. What appears to be is the following. You are a very nice person. Unfortunately you grew up with a lot of extreme negative up bring. This kills your self- esteem. Your self esteem is crucial to your life and feeling happy. It is difficult to work on improving self-esteem or self image. i highly recommend Rabbi Abraham Twersky M. D. books. He wrote very many of them but the underlying punch line he says in many of them is basically self- esteem.
 
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MoMo
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Thanks. I've read his books...
All the best.
 
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shtarkebachur
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Hope the medication helps! Although I can't imagine how it would address your self-bullying... that's why I'm not a psychiatrist, I guess.

While you're on medication, remember that lasting change comes from working on being more positive about yourself. Keep giving yourself these positive messages and keep trying to be disciplined. Good luck with college, sounds like you're doing fine there.


-------------------------
Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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MoMo
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Thanks ShtarkaBochur. The more I read the more I'm seeing that it all boils down to how self critical we are.

I studied very well today b"h.
I ate healthy meals today - that's a challenge for me.
I davened mincha/marriv with a minyon - which is a big thing for me.
I made tons of calls to find out about different matches that were suggested to me. I'm glad I did it.

I'm thankful that I'm relatively young and can still accomplish a lot.
 
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MoMo
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I was disciplined and spent a lot of time on college work - maybe even too much.

I was assertive with someone.

I am thankful that I have the freedom/health/finances to live life.

I was watching a speech by someone with a rare disorder. He knows that he's limited and can't do everything others can do but there is so much he can do and he tries to focus on that.

There is a lot that I'm missing in my life and I feel limited but there is also a lot that I can do and accomplish...
I can acquire new hobbies. I can learn new things. I can be useful to others. I can become a better human being.

I can't spend ALL my energy trying to get better. I want to live life too....

What do you guys think?

My goals for the next few days are: Study but not over-study. I want to gain knowledge and pass my classes but I don't want to burn myself out. Work on finding a new apartment. Exercise 2 times this week. Do anything possible to enjoy myself and have a good time.
 
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MoMo
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2/25/14 12:39 AM
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I'm burned out and angry I wanna run away there is only so much a person can handle.

I spent a lot of time studying and I davened mincha/marriv at Shul.

I'm not thankful today I'm angry.
 
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keep climbing
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Momo, my pdoc always tells me-Mad, not sad! Does that make sense to you? Anger brings some kind of energy while sadness just pulls you down.
Hope today is a better day!
 
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MoMo
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That's true and I'm feeling Mad..
I'm not feeling better but I'm dragging myself through the day.
Thanks.
 
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keep climbing
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I'm struggling a lot this week with ups and downs. Whenever I think I've turned a corner, here we go again.
 
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MoMo
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Can you trace it to anything?
 
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channafofanna
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Is this week any better?
 
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