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TOPIC TITLE: 13 Days Ahead
Created On 1/11/14 4:41 PM
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Lasthope
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1/11/14 4:41 PM
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I share my deepest thoughts and feeling here with you guys, so I feel that now I need some extra support. My husband left tonight (motzei shabbos) to New Zealand for almost two weeks. I am in the throes of depression and my savior, my helper, the one who keeps me afloat taking care of my home and kids is gone for almost half a month. I'm trying not to freak out, and berate myself for letting this happen. Of course I'm blaming myself because he didn't have to go. He had the choice from his boss, and asked me. So when it came up a few weeks ago I was feeling a bit less overwhelmed and I told him he should go. I knew there was a chance of me falling again, but whenever I feel better I have a much more positive outlook and say, somehow I will get through. Then my mood fell over a week ago and I know that if he had asked me then I would have said no for sure, but it was too late. I encouraged him to go originally because this is a once in a lifetime trip, and he deserves the change of scenery and the experience. So, I've held my tongue for the last week knowing how scared I am inside for the upcoming days, not wanting to tell him what I feel like, and only here can I really let it all out. I'm going to post here every day what's going on, how i'm feeling with this crazy situation, and just so I know I have a place I can check it at the end of the day and let you know how I made it through.
Day 1
So he left tonight, an hour after shabbos was over. We had family for shabbos and it was a bit crazy with all the cleaning and getting things back in order. Was acting in denial almost up until he left, and then said a pretty casual goodbye. I feel so dead inside. I don't feel anything, just numb depression. The stress of him leaving is not going to help me get out of this state, so I'm like omg i just have to get through the next two weeks alive without hurting myself or my children. My life is insane.
 
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MoMo
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1/11/14 6:43 PM
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We are here for you!!!!!!
 
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keep climbing
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1/11/14 7:00 PM
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(((HUGS)))) Lasthope, how's it going?
 
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feelingawful
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1/11/14 10:55 PM
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How's it going Last Hope?? Oyy feel so bad for u, maybe get someone to live with u for the next 2 weeks??
 
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Lasthope
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1/12/14 2:17 AM
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thank guys. im ok. survived the first morning ok B"H. I am going to have help in the late afternoons and bedtime from some family members, but noone can really stay here. It's fine, I don't really get scared at night. This is a time I wish so badly that I lived near my family. But I realized with life there is no perfect situation. There is always give and take.
 
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Lasthope
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1/13/14 1:49 PM
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Day 2
I survived two days!! it's been hard, but pushing through...
 
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keep climbing
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1/13/14 7:44 PM
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Wow! We're impressed!
BTW, what is EMpower plus?
 
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MoMo
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1/13/14 11:13 PM
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Lasthope, we are with you!!!
Keep us posted..
 
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Lasthope
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1/14/14 8:08 AM
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warning: tons of complaining here, so if you don't want to read negativity, dont!
SO, I have this stomach virus since SUnday and it's not going away! Sometimes I think Hashem has it out for me, and I just don't know what He wants from me. I ask and ask for HIm to take it away but He doesn't listen! It's sooooo hard........... I am also dealing with a really tough issue with my 4 year old daughter. SInce I had the baby 14 months ago, she has constantly regressed with her toilet training, but only with #2. She has #1 down completely, but it's been a year and half struggle of trying almost everything to work on this issue. Speakiing with so many different people, going to the doctor about it, speaking to a toilet training specialist. So far NOTHING has helped. We've done, charts, prizes, rewards, eveything you could think of. Not working. We've ruled it out as being a physical problem through blood tests and xrays. Now the toilet training specialist told me to just completely let go. Don't do anyhing anymore for her, except clean her up and it may take a month till you see something. I've done this for a few weeks but I can't take it anymore. I'm at my wits end. I blame myself, my depression on it, and it's useless because I know it's not true. It's a nisayon. When my husband is here, he helps me deal with it pysically and emotionally, but now I don't even have that.
SO here I am dealing with:
Recurring Depression and mood instability (ups and downs but mostly downs)
Stomach Virus
Chronic toilet training problem at a dead end
husband out of the country for two weeks

What the heck does G-d want from me???????
 
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shtarkebachur
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1/14/14 10:17 AM
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You're going through a lot.
About the toilet training, although it's common for parents to blame themselves for these problems, I think it's likely your child is doing just fine. I have a very well-adjusted nephew who was not fully trained until 3 and a half years old! His mother is amazing, loving, and a good limit-setter as well. So don't look upon your daughter's delay as a condemnation.

I think you should congratulate yourself for following the advice to let go and let him learn naturally. Keep at it!


-------------------------
Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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MoMo
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1/14/14 11:05 AM
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That's a lot for anyone to handle add on depression and its just too much. God decided that your kids need to be raised by you with all your qualities and limitations. I think everyone would agree that you do you best to get over depression (Medication, TMS, etc). Your kids are meant to grow up with a mother struggling with depression. Everything that comes along with that is part of what God specifically intended for them. It's OK.

Shtarkebachur, I was impressed by your use of words. You would make a good writer..
 
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Lasthope
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1/15/14 2:47 PM
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shtarkbachur, i appreciate your concern, but this situation with my daughter is not just a delay. It's a regression and has turned into a completely dysfunctional situation. I'm not usually so sensitive on this site, but it kind of hurt for my daughter to be compared to a well adjusted three year old who has the perfect mother but just a delay. Once again, i know you didn't mean to hurt me at all, but it didn't sit well with me. thanks for trying, and thanks for the empathy
Day 4
So now my baby is sick on top of everything. He has a bad cough and ear infection. He was up the whole last night and I got barely any sleep. Ive started having some really scary negative thoughts, but can't get through to pdoc so Im' just pushing through. The only way out is through.
 
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Lasthope
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1/15/14 2:55 PM
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keep climbing,
this is taken directly from the website http://www.truehope.com/empowerplus/

EMPowerplus™ - A Revolutionary Micronutrient Formula

EMPowerplus™ is a unique, micronutrient formula proven effective in reducing or eliminating the symptoms of bipolar, anxiety, depression, and ADHD. 22 medical journal publications, plus many individual doctors’ observations, have shown significant reductions in the symptoms of bipolar and other mental disorders.

These 22 publications plus several more current and ongoing studies make EMPowerplus™ the most studied micronutrient formulation in the world for mental conditions. Studies in animals also suggest EMPowerplus™ can improve brain-cell health and cognitive functioning.

The unique technology used in the micronutrient formulation of EMPowerplus™ allows the body to rapidly absorb and use these essential elements for optimum physical and mental health. EMPowerplus™ is a safe, effective, all-natural formula for common mood disorders.



I happened to hear about it through a Youtube search of depression topics. I found an interesting video of a girl who was practically saved by it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBZy43Tyaw4&list=PLAC9134114DF8859B
 
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HopefulMommy
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1/16/14 1:14 AM
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That's hard! I can relate. I've been in similar situations. My husband also travels for work. (((Hugs))) Refuah sheleima to everyone! Take it one moment at a time. You can do this! We're here for you. Please keep posting!
 
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Lasthope
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1/16/14 6:35 AM
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Thanks HM, it means a lot to me.
 
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keep climbing
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1/16/14 9:37 AM
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Thanx. LH, for the info about EMPower. I'll ask my doc abt it.

What day are we up to? How's everybody feeling today?
BTW, I think you're incredibly brave for doing this!
 
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alharro
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1/16/14 4:54 PM
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checked out empower it is a multi vitamin - there are no special drugs/vitamins that are not in a std multi vitamin. seems to be company with great advertisements.

if you google it there are plenty horror stories with people using empower
 
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alharro
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1/16/14 4:55 PM
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feel like crap today - think maybe its the dark winters
 
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keep climbing
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1/16/14 7:22 PM
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Maybe a light box would help you. If you need info, pm me.
 
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Lasthope
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1/17/14 1:58 AM
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I think were up to day 6 or 7..
Baby was very sick for two days so he was home but i sent him out this morning cuz hes on antibiotics. These days the docs have become so weary about using antibiotics so he said start with ear drops and if it gets worse use antibiotics. I was like, my husband is on the other side of the world literall. I need my baby better so i just gave him the antibiotics immediately. And u know what? Hes doing much better. Thank Gd. Going to sisterinlaw for shabbos..gotta get us all ready and i even offered to make something so i best be on my way.
I think Empowerplus is contoversial cuz it actually helped some people. Anytime people are helped by something other than psychiatc drugs,the medical world goes crazy. If you watch the story about how the guy developed it you will be amazed. Truehope is also a nonprofit which amazes me. Im sure they want to mam money but doesn every human being? From my research it seems that it has heped many and also not helped many. I paid over 3000 dollars for a treatment which claimed to help tons oof people but did nothing for me and ither people iknow (i also just met someone in israel who wasnt helped by tms). I wish i could get some of empower plus cuz i would try it. We cant give up hope in advocating for our healing until moshiach comes and takes away all this insanity.
 
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Lasthope
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1/17/14 2:01 AM
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Sorry for all the typos. Using my phone...
 
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keep climbing
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1/17/14 5:43 AM
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LH, I/m listening to you tell about what goes into taking care of little ones, and it sounds amazing. (although I raised my own chevra; they are quite grown by now.) It's not a little thing to be there for them 24/7.
Hope you have a nice Shabbos!
 
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keep climbing
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About not giving up in treating depression-anyone have info about EFT?
 
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wishtobehappy
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1/17/14 9:30 AM
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lasthope, it's really inspiring how you keep on pulling yourself up by the bootstrings. That's a lot, you're dealing with!
 
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wishtobehappy
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1/17/14 9:59 AM
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keep climbing, I've done EFT. It was quite helpful in identifying the emotions that were hiding under depression, and it helped clear them out. I wouldn't say it was magic, though, and you need to find a good practitioner too. I didn't connect to the one I went too, and I think that caused it to be less effective.
 
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MoMo
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1/18/14 10:08 PM
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LastHope, How was Shabbos?
How are you?
 
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Lasthope
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1/19/14 2:43 AM
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Shabbos
Momo, thanks for asking. B"H shabbos wasn't too bad. It went pretty smoothly and we survived. Still having serious issues with my daughter's encopresis (that's the medical term for what she's doing). It makes EVERYTHING in my life difficult. And it brings me down also so that it's hard to get out of the downward cycle of depression...stress...depression...stress... I need her to get over this so badly. I've davened to Hashem about it ALOT and no answers so I'm very mad at Him right now. I just don't know what to do about it...

keepclimbing
i don't know much about EFT, but at some point I tried doing it through youtube clips and it seemed to be a bit helpful...good luck with that...

wishtobehappy, thanks for the encouragement. Yes, i definitely feel like I'm constantly pulling myself back up. Aren't we all? That's the craziness of this sickness.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that my doctor is probably right in his diagnosis of me having Bipolar 2. I really have so many ups and downs and it seems that the SSRI's give me hypomania which usually lasts a few days max and most of the time I have different levels of depression....I just don't want to go back on Lithium. It never really helped me, so why should I try again? Maybe I should do Lamictal again...I don't know.... On Friday I had a small trigger which made me so upset and I felt like just dying. I felt like I was literally in Gihenom. That is what this disease is. I just don't get it. It's one thing to be depressed which is hell in itself, but then to have the taste of being pulled out of it for a couple of days, to have that relief lifted off your mind and breathe again, only to be pushed back down underwater so soon after. That is why I feel like I have no instability in my life. Because I don't!
 
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channafofanna
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1/19/14 9:24 AM
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Hes almost home!!! Were rooting for you in the final stretch...
 
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wishtobehappy
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lasthope, you're right about that being the craziness of this disease. I had a similar reaction to the SSRIs. Does your doctor have any other ideas for you? Getting a short reprieve, only to topple over again very soon has been the reality of my life until recently too.

When's your husband coming home?
 
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Lasthope
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So how did you get off the rollercoaster? Im gonna be seeing my pdoc soon so we will brainstorm about wat the next step is.. husb cimes home iyh Friday
 
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wishtobehappy
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I didn't get off the rollercoaster just yet, and don't expect to anytime soon, but the ups and downs have gotten a LOT less dramatic. Acceptance, therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, exercise, spirituality, and alternative medicine have all helped me feel less overwhelmed, hopeless, and helpless.

I hope your doctor comes up with something effective. Good luck with the husbandless week ahead!
 
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Lasthope
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so your not on any meds right now?
 
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wishtobehappy
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1/19/14 11:09 AM
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Nope. I'm through with meds.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Last hope, you're doing great! I can relate to the rollercoaster too. I've been having reasonably long stretches of stability lately, and it's amazing how different life feels. Until the next drop.
 
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Lasthope
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Day 10
B"H it's been better this week, my mood went up a bit on motzei shabbos. So here we go again on this roller coaster........never know how longs it's gonna last.
kids have been ok, but my daughters issue is pretty serious. Spoke to the toilet training specialist again and she said it sounds physical and need to get a second opinion, which is hard to do on my own. I had a little talk with Gd yesterday and told him that He needs to stop this already and I'm not talking to Him until He makes it stop. So hopefully that will make something change.
I sounds crazy but I'm at my wits end here. It's one of the most difficult tests I've had with my kids. And together with depression it's torture.
Ok, only three full days left, and then he gets back and has to get over jetlag and hopefully we will be back to normal by Sunday!
 
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keep climbing
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Wow, LH, you're in home stretch! Glad to hear you're feeling better this week.
 
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Lasthope
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1/21/14 2:52 PM
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Day 11
The up didnt last long not surprisingly so im in my descent back down again. Havent hit the bottom yet but i know where its going. I have to get on a mood stabilizer the ssri is not enough on its own and its just triggering these waves.... after ecperiencing this, nothing hard in life compares, not ur kids getting sick or husband going away or any othrr problem. Its all manageable when theres no mental illness. So when i feel better everything is manageable. And when i dont feel good its like im disconnected with reality. I want my life back.
 
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keep climbing
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1/21/14 8:10 PM
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((((HUGS))))Hope it's a little better today.
I think the stress of these 2 wks makes you feel worse, no? Hopefully you'll feel better once this is over.
 
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keep climbing
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1/23/14 11:18 AM
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Last hope, how are you feeling?
 
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Lasthope
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Bh not too bad. My baby got sick again with his ears and fever but i was much better with it this time cuz my mood was a bit better and i didnt crash like i usually do. Life is manageable when the beast is not so big. My husband is coming home tomorow morning and the kids are almost in bed! And today i didnt even have any help (my helper cancelled on me cuz she sprained an ankle) but i was totally fine bh. So i made it. Thanks everyone for all your support!!
 
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mouse
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LH (((((HUGS)))))) I know it's a bit late but read this thread and have to say, "I"VE BEEN THERE" regarding toilet training. My kids were 4 when trained and it was stressful. (They're twins.) I couldnt help but think I was a failure and my kids were failures.....They are older now and BH both toilet trained. It will happen when the kid is ready and not a moment sooner. It isn't a YOU thing. It's just life. Some things are easier for kids than others. Letting go of diapers seems to be rather hard. I'm so glad your hubby coming home soon. Good to hear you survived. (I hear NZ has lots of cows...tell him to bring you home one .)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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