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TOPIC TITLE: Victories VI
Created On 1/15/14 12:16 AM
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MoMo
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1/15/14 12:16 AM
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I took a big social risk (booked flights for a vacation with an acquaintance that I don't know too well). Pray for me that it doesn't end up being disastrous.

I allowed myself to take it easy today (got up very very late in the day). A part of me feels that this is a positive that I went with the flow, but another part of me is very harshly beating myself up for even thinking this way!!! Like how dare you think so perverted that waking up late is good!!!!
What do you guys think?
 
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toy123
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1/15/14 10:01 AM
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MoMo I wanna tell you that your thinking is so normal. the beating oneself up etc.... I'm always told "you're to hard on yourself" and you know what I've come to realize that it's true. I'm trying to change it but it's HARD real HARD!!!! Don't beat yourself up like this (easy for me to just say).

I don't know if this pertains or even comes into this thread but I want you to know that it's totally normal for you to be afraid that things might end up disastrous. This is probably not the best example but I'm TERRIFIED and when I say TERRIFIED I mean TERRIFIED to let myself feel/become happy because I'm scared if I look or am happy people will start to "forget" about me. I'll lose support.... How crazy is that?????????


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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MoMo
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1/16/14 1:11 AM
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Toy, that sounds so difficult!!!!!!
 
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HopefulMommy
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1/16/14 1:17 AM
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Good luck with the vacation! Hope you enjoy it.

I also went away recently. Usually traveling triggers anxiety for me, but this time, I went anyway and actually enjoyed it. So that's my victory.

Toy, (((hugs))).
 
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MoMo
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1/16/14 10:00 PM
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Thanks HopefulMom!

Today I was honest with someone that I have a difficult relationship with.
I didn't blame this person for my feelings.

I'm trying to work through difficult feelings.
 
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MoMo
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1/18/14 10:10 PM
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I pushed myself through a difficult social situation and came out the other end.
I engaged with people at shul.
 
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toy123
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1/19/14 1:14 AM
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Someone was really bothering by the shabbos table today si I just left instead of saying anything. Yea I know that's not good either but I figured it was better than the other option.....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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MoMo
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1/22/14 1:50 PM
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I pushed myself to date someone.
I pusehd myself to vacation with someone that I don't know that well.
A shadchan that I deal with thinks highly of me.
 
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mouse
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1/23/14 3:38 PM
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MoMo....I can imagine a lot of people think highly of you. (It would be good if you did too!!!) I hope the vacation works out. Vacations are important. How'd the date go???


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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1/23/14 3:41 PM
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I went on a lousy vacation and made my kids happy...it really was bad. Cheap hotel without anything. We got stuck in a snow storm with no internet or phone (or tv...though we don't watch tv much.) Didn't strangle rude receptionist....I just let her keep her attitude without it bugging me much.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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1/27/14 12:27 AM
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Thanks Munkster!

Today I learned with my Chavrusa even though I wasn't in the mood.
I went on a date and thus hopefully got a drop more experienced in conversing with people.
I delivered food to people in the hospital.
 
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MoMo
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1/28/14 12:13 AM
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My day got off to a lousy start but I tried to push past that.
The filter on my phone got uninstalled so I got a new filter.
I took care of paperwork and got it done with.
I cajoled myself to exercise.
 
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MoMo
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1/29/14 12:16 AM
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I exercised and ate healthy foods. I davened mincha with Minyon. I participated in my classes at college. I had a busy and fulfilling day b"h.
 
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keep climbing
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1/29/14 5:20 AM
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Yay, Momo! That's great!
 
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toy123
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1/29/14 11:56 AM
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I'm staying sane, even if I feel like I'm about to break. I'm not going around breaking things, or yelling and screaming, I'm not cutting.... I know this is not for this thread but i'm finding that I'm isolating....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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gad
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1/29/14 12:01 PM
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Toy, your individual victories add up to a nice sum.

May you go from strength to strength.
 
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HopefulMommy
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1/29/14 12:08 PM
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Those are definitely victories, toy. Feel better!
 
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MoMo
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1/30/14 2:20 AM
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Toy that's good!!

Today I spent time doing college related homework.
I was assertive with someone.
 
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MoMo
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1/30/14 11:26 PM
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This morning I was so not up to anything but I took a xanax and pushed myself to get to college. B"h I had a productive day. I found a good lawyer to help me with a speeding and cell phone ticket :-/ I gave a yes to date someone. I learned with my chavrusa. I spent a significant amount of time helping a relative with something she needed. I went out with a friend. I took care of some errands.
 
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I'mTrying
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2/1/14 10:15 PM
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Yay for you, MoMo!
 
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MoMo
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Thank you I'm trying!

I ate healthily for part of the day.
I spoke publicly at an event and did it very imperfectly.
 
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mouse
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2/2/14 7:55 PM
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I'm here and alive. For me that's kinda big right now. (if you wanna kknow why see my rant.)


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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I'mTrying
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2/3/14 9:16 PM
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same here. goody for us
 
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MoMo
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2/3/14 10:22 PM
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I am trying to be disciplined about my college work (I spent a nice amount of time studying today I ordered a book that I'll need).

I was disciplined about taking care of some things that needed to be taken care of.
 
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mouse
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yay momo!!!

I'm still here...good enough for me right now...not striving for greatness at moment....just survival


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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2/5/14 7:17 PM
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(((HUGS)))
Hope things will start looking up.
 
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MoMo
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I initiated a dialog with someone in my therapy group with whom I have a difficult relationship.

I pushed myself to meet up with a friend for dinner and it was a good experience.
 
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keep climbing
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I felt my mood slipping at 10 a.m. because s/body changed plans with me at last minute. (I have a really hard time with that.)
And I fought the lethargy and crankiness all day and I feel like a champ.
Really, the real Olympics are being played right here, and WE are the true winners!!!
 
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MoMo
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That's awesome!!
 
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MoMo
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I met up with an old friend. A few months ago I might of been more hesitant.

I'm not certain about this but I might have gotten a tad better at making small talk.
 
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MoMo
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I exercised for 25 min.
I straightened up my apartment.
I had Melava Malka with a friend.

I had in mind to do much more things tonight but didn't get a chance. Nu.
 
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MoMo
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2/10/14 5:05 AM
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I pushed myself to get out there and live life.
I tried working on my perfectionism.
I tried to make myself a little useful to other people.
 
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MoMo
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2/11/14 12:58 AM
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I tried to spread goodness.

I exercised discipline by forcing myself to get to college today. It was painful and a bad experience but in the long run it'll make it easier for me to know the material and get decent grades.
 
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channafofanna
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2/16/14 9:22 AM
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I didnt get insulted or depressed when someone did something that wasnt even insulting...
 
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I'mTrying
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Good for you Channa! That's the hardest- because the self judgment is so strong...

Momo, You are one of the most tenacious people I know.

I tried to not get mad at myself for sleeping so much.
I am still taking my meds. Even though I really don't want to be on them.
I wrote a letter to a former employer asking for the back pay that is owed to me.
 
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I'mTrying
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My therapist wants me to start writing down every day something that i'm proud of. This is going to be a challenge... Not that I don't think i do anything positive, but rather whatever I do I don't necessarily feel good about, or I feel I 'forced' myself to do it and I don't like that.
Good luck to me. Maybe I'll try posting here and get others' ideas as well.
 
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MoMo
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I had the same problem. What I started doing at first is writing things that "might have potential to be considered positive" or things that others might consider positive. I thereby accounting for the fact that I might not consider it positive.

Over time it got easier for me to see a "forced" positive as a positive nonetheless.

Also I write things that if I saw it in others I would look up to them. I respect people who are there for others so if I was there for someone I'll wrote that. I respect people who are disciplined so if I was disciplined I'll write that...

It might be worthwhile to write down the thoughts that stop you from writing the positive things and discuss those thoughts in therapy. These are probably the thoughts that don't let you feel good about ANYTHING EVER.
 
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channafofanna
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thats really really smart MoMo... I like that...
Good luck ImTrying!!
 
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MoMo
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Takes one to know one
 
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I'mTrying
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I called a friend who has been wanting to get together with me, to wish her a good shabbos. Also we tentatively set up a time to see each other this coming week.
I did not call, threaten suicidal behavior, cut myself or blow off my therapist even though I was in a lot of pain and didn't know how to express it.
I heard some good news about someone i'm close to who is dating seriously and iyH be meeting the guy's parents(.....) This was hard for me to hear for many reasons but I didn't let myself fall into a depression Bh I was able to stave it off.
I ate protein today- instead of just carbs.
I wrote this post!!!!
 
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MoMo
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I'm trying, how was Shabbos? It sounds like you're going through very very rough times I am too. Let's both keep at it and try our best.

Why are things worse for you lately?
 
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I'mTrying
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Thanks for asking. I actually am not doing as badly as i have been. But I guess that just makes me invalidate myself Like my pain is not as real as it was.
I think the new therapist is bringing up some really difficult things. and I'm reacting to that.
What about you? Is anything different for you?
 
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mouse
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I cleaned, shopped, got kids to the Hair Choppery, and got stuff done today and for a few days now -- since Friday, the day after procedure. I think it worked .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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mouse
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MoMo...I know this doesn't go here but I can't find the original post....You wrote that you're getting better at small talk...since then I've been obsessed with that comment. Mostly, it's been bugging me because the two most ingenious and brilliant people I have come in contact with NEVER EVER EVER made small talk. It was always a quick, "hi,, How are u???" and then getting to the meat of the business. Even if there wasn't any "business." These were colleagues of my parents. One used to goad (is that how it's spelled) into taking a position and then show you flawed reasoning. It was funny and my siblings warned me he'd do it and I fell into the trap anyhooo. (My father also warned me.) He taught me some valuable lessons on thinking. My only wish is that he were still around to teach me more.

The other person was a talmid chachom. He was brilliant. I'll never forget he came to a Purim Seudah and my mom had not lit any candles. He wouldn't stop bugging her about the candles until she lit them. (This was not something we ever heard of before for different reasons.) The food was amazing. (My mom was a good cook.) But he was focused on the candles being lit until they were. He too did not make small talk. He also spoke every word mmeasured and always a dvar torah got into whatever he was saying. He didn't say "the food is good." He said a whole long dvar torah on how important it is to have tasty food on Purim and stuff.

And now you're gonna say...."how did they get married if they didn't do small talk????" Beats me, but they both had wives. Neither wives in fact were particularly smart or talented or kind. (Not nasty either, just plain.) But they LOVED their wives for who they were. There was something there I guess I didn't pick up on. Just goes to show you, there is a perfect person out there for you, and small talk doesn't mean much...it's the brains....the brains....the brains. .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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I am mainly touched that you thought of me and responded.

I guess the main message you're conveying is that I can be shy and unconfident and still be accepted..
 
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mouse
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Shy and unconfident are two different traits. If you arent confident, then maybe you should work on it to make yourself more comfortable. Shy, on the other hand is not always negative. Some jabberjaws one day will love you for it .


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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Did you go on your vacation yet, MoMo???

Today I ate a salad. It was almost like not eating bunny food . Almost.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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A while ago I flew somewhere to date someone...
 
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mouse
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Wow...if I were her, I'd be seriously wowed by that. That is sooooooo cool to do. Glad you gave it a try. Did you ever hear the Shadchan song???? "but the shadchan said, this time it will be different, I heard those words so many times before...""


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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