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TOPIC TITLE: How are you?
Created On 2/20/14 1:55 PM
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Lasthope
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2/20/14 1:55 PM
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Hi everyone, how are you all doing?? Here you can answer that question truthfully to every last detail!
 
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MoMo
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2/20/14 2:44 PM
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OK you first
 
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I'mTrying
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2/20/14 5:04 PM
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LOL MoMo good one
I'm holding on, was in a severe depression but now doing better. It is still difficult to do what I need to do like going to school and work and studying. Often I don't manage to be productive and feel guilty about that. I try to do things that make me feel good but they end up backfiring. Like watching movies for five hours straight instead of one. Or trying to give myself a treat but then feeling like a pig. I shlepped myself to the skating rink today but just skated twice around the rink and then left BC I had no desire to do it at all.
BUT I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I have a session tomorrow with my therapist and I think she's really good so I'm kinda looking forward to that. And the sun was shining warmly today so that's also helpful for positive feelings... and I got a financial aid refund today! Cheques are always welcomed
I am still having trouble keeping in touch with friends and family.
I am taking a new medication and it makes me tired to an extreme so I end up sleeping about ten or eleven hours a night.
I am thinking about Purim and pesach and wondering if I have the emotional stamina to make it home to my parents for any or part of them.
That's all for now, folks!
Who's next?
 
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Lasthope
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2/20/14 6:48 PM
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I'm trying, glad to hear you're a bit better. What meds are you on if you don't mind me asking? I also have a hard time keeping in touch with family and friends and I end up feeling guilty about that. Good for u for going ice skating even if it was for a little bit.
I am doing alright I guess a bit on the better more functional side, meaning it's easier for me to get things done without the feeling of climbing a mountain while doing good every task. I guess that's the depression lifting. The Lamictal is really helping stabilize my mood and not have these intense mood swings. I just hope it doesn't stop working like it's happened in the past. You can't rely on these meds take care of you for life. Also getting nervous about the upcoming holidays. I'm making a purim seuda and have so much to prepare with the kids and all that. YThe peach so soon after. My daughter is now seeing a psychologist. Can u imagine, a sweet adorable 4 year old sitting with a psychologist... It amazes me how far we have had to go to try to rectify this situation which is still not better.
Side effects-headaches, constipation.. Have to deal with it on a daily basis. My support group is still small but starting to gain more interest in the community very slowly... I really want it to continue and help people.... Oh Ya and basketball... Still scared to go a second time. But not gonna give up on it yet. That's all for now.. Anyone else?
 
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MoMo
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2/22/14 7:04 PM
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I'm doing terribly and have no one to talk to.
I'm all alone and isolated.
I'm afraid of people finding out that I'm a nerd and weirdo.
I have no self esteem and I always worry about what people think of me.

Over Shabbos I slept all day and had no one to talk to.
I'm afraid that as time goes on I'm going to become weirder and weirder

I'm angry at my parents for failing me and giving me these emotional problems
I'm angry at life
 
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keep climbing
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2/22/14 8:29 PM
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Remember that you're not alone, Momo. We're aall going thru this in one form or another.
My Shabbos was so-so. Every little thing can throw me off and it's so tough to get back up again. And keep falling and getting back up again. And again.
 
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toy123
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2/22/14 9:49 PM
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Momo I feel horrible also. Slept the whole day today literally. Maybe it's a good thing cuz I don't sleep during the week...
Feeling awful. Want things to get better so badly. It's not fair. I work my ass off and I just can't get a break. What's gonna be with me?


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Lasthope
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2/23/14 1:24 AM
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I wish I could just wave a wand over all of you and take all the pain away (including mine). It's really hard and I sympathize with everyone cuz I totally relate to these terrible feelings of isolation and instability. I also got triggered on shabbos cuz my baby got sick again for the millionth time and I feel like I can't handle it any more. Trying to ride the wave and hopefully get back up. The meds really help be able to deal with the bumps. I'm glad I'm finally back on what my brain needs right now. Unfortunately side effects are really annoying but more manageable than depression.
 
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keep climbing
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2/23/14 6:05 AM
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My Rebbe said this Shabbos-Mishenichnas Adar Marbin B"simcha!
But how can we ask that of a person if he doesn't feel well or has serious painful issues?
The Sfas Emes writes- From Above, Hashem sends us Simcha. He sends us REfuos, Yeshuos...so that we should be able to be B'simcha!
 
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Lasthope
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2/23/14 6:52 AM
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May we all be zoche to that!!!
 
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I'mTrying
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2/23/14 10:11 AM
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Amen to that!
I'm sorry everyone is feeling so sad, down, alone etc. I feel for you.
Let's all try to take it one day at a time and if that's too much, then one minute or even one second at a time. This includes me.
 
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channafofanna
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2/24/14 9:24 AM
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So..
I am depressed but I dont think I am in danger of suicide right now. Im cutting and pulling hair and even started pulling hair from my head yesterday...I have to draw on my wrists to keep from cutting them. All I do is dream of a big long vertical cut down my arm...
Im not talking in therapy and not taking all of my meds.... I have no friends and nobody to talk to, even if i wanted to becuase nobody cares. I am a big fat ugly creature with absolutley no social skills or self control and I am so selfish all I can think of is myself. All I want to do is die but I cant... And every day that I push death off makes it harder to die cuz theres more people who I wil hurt and getting closer to being considered " an older single" 20 and single... Everyone will know Im messed up sooner or later...
I used to have the image that I was happy and perfect but now Im so depresed I cant keep that image up so Im not that super nice happy girl I used to be. Everyone knows Im messed up.... But even though everyone probably thinks im some messed up weirdo, nobody knows that im dying inside and i dont even know why. im just making it all up...
Thanks LastHope for starting this thread... It felt good to vent =D
People, you dont have to reply to this post... I just wnated to vent.. thanks...


Edited: 2/24/14 at 9:24 AM by channafofanna
 
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Lasthope
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2/24/14 10:59 AM
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Channa, I'm so glad you replied to the post because it's so important to let out what's going on inside even if just to write it on a forum. You're pain isreal and do the let anyone let you think iit's not. You are a beautiful person who is hurting inside. I can't make u take ur mess or talk to my your therapist but I can be a listening ear. I can also tell you that mess have helped me so much. And that is why I encourage others to find the right ones and keep trying. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I'm gonna also pm you
 
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Lasthope
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2/24/14 11:00 AM
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I meant take your meds or talk to your therapist
 
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toy123
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2/24/14 12:18 PM
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Well I'm feeling VERY VERY VERY tired and deoressed. I got triggered around four weeks ago and still haven't gotten over it. This is a trigger that I knew would take me a very long time to get out of. On top of that one thing after another keeps happening. I'm sooo sad!!!!! I wanna get better, I really think so.... Gotta get back to work....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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keep climbing
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2/24/14 7:19 PM
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Lasthope, how are you doing? How is the baby?
Channa, (((HUGS)))It's sooo hard to feel so awful. If you don't mind my asking, why don't you talk to your therapist?
Toy, ((((HUGS)))) Hope you're feeling a little better!
 
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Lasthope
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2/25/14 6:57 AM
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Baby is better bh. Still trying to get back up. Have so much to do all the time and I'm not even "working"! I don't know anymore how women have jobs and run a home. Every day dishes and laundry to clean. Shopping once or twice a week. Purim to prepare for. Peach to prepare for. Three shabbos meals every week. It can be so overwhelming! I'm thankful that I have a family and a home but I need the energy to be able to take care of them!
 
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keep climbing
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2/26/14 1:59 PM
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I always wonder why frum people expect so much from us women? I think times are gonna change with this too.
 
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Lasthope
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2/26/14 2:34 PM
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Times are only getting crazier. More stress. More expectations. I don't see how things can change for the better unless moshiach comes
 
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I'mTrying
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2/28/14 3:50 PM
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Shabbos he m'lizok urefuah kerova lavo.
Wishing everyone a peaceful, healing shabbos.
I'mtrying
 
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channafofanna
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3/3/14 9:20 AM
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Why dont I talk in therapy? Its complicated. Basically I dont want to get better or help myself. Im just being stubborn and imature. Ive always been like this but now Im not talking more (like i used to lie or just not talk about what i felt, but now i dont talk at all. i give the silent treatment) I dont want to need help and i dont want to be happy so i dont talk... I know it dosent make sense but its what i feel...
 
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MoMo
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3/3/14 12:52 PM
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What makes you feel that you don't want to get better?
And you're far from immature everyone here would agree on that.
 
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I'mTrying
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3/3/14 3:17 PM
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Sorry Channa I beg to differ. I also thought I just didn't want to get better and I used that to bash myself over and over.
I think there are parts of being sick that you will miss. That makes it hard to let go. And fears of how will i manage when i have to be 'normal'... etc.
Just my theory. You may not agree at all.
And I'm with Momo on the maturity factor.
((((((HUGS))))))))
 
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channafofanna
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3/9/14 7:12 AM
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I dont want to get better cuz I dont want to be happy. If something will make me happy I DONT do it and if its bad for me i make sure to do it.....
Also, I am totaly functional. Noboyd really knows that Im depressed. I would be the last one anyone would guess that is depressed and suicidal. I always act normal anyway....
Thanks guys...
 
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mouse
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3/12/14 8:31 AM
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Channa, on some level I think you do want to get better. Otherwise you wouldn't be in this forum. (Don't take that as an excuse to leave us!!!) At the moment I'm pretty functional but that doesn't mean much. My best friend always says to me, "are you sure you're depressed???" because I don't seem that way. Only YOU know your inner demons. You and Hashem. I don't know...I think that makes inner demons special in that way.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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3/12/14 11:44 AM
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Very special indeed :-)
 
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HopefulMommy
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3/13/14 8:03 PM
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I don't know, I could do without the inner demons, no matter how special .

I'm mostly doing OK, B"H, with ups and downs. I'm seeing a new therapist next week. Wish me luck. Otherwise, getting ready for Purim, and at the moment exhausted from the fast. The kids made amazing shalach manos though . They're way more creative than me, which is nice to see.

My book should be out by Elul, IY"H. Will keep you posted.
 
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MoMo
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3/13/14 9:36 PM
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Best of luck HopefulMom!!
 
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channafofanna
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3/23/14 9:56 AM
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Thanks Munkster!!!\Reminds me of a quote I once saw...
"you don't look depressed though” oh yeah sorry i forgot to bring my literal dark cloud with me today"
 
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channafofanna
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3/23/14 9:57 AM
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Im SO exited for your boko HopefulMommy!!!
Hope your purim (and everyones ) was ok.
 
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HopefulMommy
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3/24/14 1:09 AM
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Thanks Channa! Nice to "see" you here.

So I started with the new therapist. She seems nice. She gave me some mindfulness exercises to do, but so far I haven't been able to do them. My thoughts just start jumping from one thing to another and I don't relax at all. Has anyone used mindfulness successfully for anxiety?

She said something interesting. When I have a panic attack I have this feeling of dissociation, like I'm not inside my body. So she said that it actually makes sense physiologically because what happens is that the neural pathways in the brain basically go blank during a panic attack and there is literally no connection between the frontal lobes and the amygdala (I hope I'm getting these names right; basically between the front and back of the brain).
 
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channafofanna
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3/24/14 6:59 AM
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The therapist who did mindfulness with me was a dud so I dont know what mindfulnes is supposed to be but if its relaxation exercise then nothing else will work...
 
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